Where Are My Slippers?

I had about 5 bags of trash in my bedroom, and 2 in the kitchen; but let's focus on the bedroom.

I can't find my red slippers. I wear them around the house, and to take out the trash. I would have taken out the trash if I could find them.

I think Mickey might have taken them! I want them back!

Pens, DVD's, $, Books

I can't stand asking people for my shit.

Tomorrow is "Butterfly Gets Her Stuff Back" Day

I have 3 books that were borrowed at least a month ago. Dang it, read the book and give it back!

I hate asking people for money they said they'd give to me or give back; especially men. So unattractive.

Don't borrow my pen and then lose the cap, never give it back, or put it in your mouth; I'll kick you in the shin!

Can I have my DVD? Just because you buy bootlegs and forgot what HD looks like, that's not my fault!

Aha Moment!

So I've been whining about wives lately.

Yup, I'm headed to the Law of Attraction.

I'm the cause of the increasing wife drama. Not only have I had EXTRME negative thoughts about wives (because of the Italian), but I also think that I have created situations for men to be deceitful to their wives because I havent made it clear through my interactions with them that "wives" is not an option.

I tolerate their seemingly "innocent flirting" when I should nip it in the butt and call them on their inappropriate behavior. (Of course this only works on the men that actually wear wedding rings and state that they are married.)

I'm also going to be HIGHLY seletive with who gets my number. My cell is my only phone; its my personal line, and should therefore be protected.

Anyway, by whining about the wives, I received MORE wives to whine about.

I'm done.

Watch this work.

P.S. Are you still stalling on reading The Secret?

So thankful that I'm consistently doing the work to get better.

Lessons Learned..(thus far)

1. Two good people isn't a guarantee that they will be good together.
2. Agree or not, people have a right to ignore you and your issues.
3. Honesty can bring wealth and peace of mind.
4. Ex’s are ex’s for a reason.
5. You will outgrow some friends.
6. It’s not always about you.
7. It’s OK to say “no”.
8. It’s OK to bail, bow out, etc if it means your sanity, peace and happiness.
9. Some married men, lie.
10. Your parents are flawed.
11. No one knows you, like you.
12. Deal with your issues or they’ll run and ruin your life.
13. Friendships either evolve or die; they never remain the same.
14. Allow people to leave your life when they want to.
15. Know when to let go.
16. Laugh hard, and a lot.
17. What makes you angry controls you.
18. Women who can't get along with other females, are to blame; not the females.
19. As within, so without.
20. No matter how great you look, everyone hates a killjoy.
21. Many people have trouble being honest.
22. People think they know what’s best for you.
23. It’s never as serious as you think.
24. “Balls” are good; keep some.
25. You cause your unhappiness, drama and stress.
26. The older you get, the less time needed to gauge if someone is right for you.
27. Someone people needed, and still need to exit your life.
28. You won’t like everyone.
29. Everyone won’t like you.
30. The Law of Attraction works.
31. You could be happier if it wasn’t for YOU.
32. Money is only as good as how much you can spend and still have more.
33. Prince charming will expect you to have a life when he arrives.
34. You can’t be honest with anyone unless you’re honest with yourself.
35. God exists.

Acne Takes the Stand

In my quest to remain off meds, I need to pay attention to something else - my HORRIBLE candy cravings and SUPER POOR eating habits.

Could it be that my sleepless nights could be attribute to the LARGE sugar consumption right before bedtime and throughout the night. (Yeah, I roll over to stuff my mouth with Swedish Fish and apple juice.)

Could it be that I would have more energy, resist colds better and have no trouble with ACNE if I ate better and drank more water!

Hmmmm.

I eat like shit, and have been coasting on genetics to maintain my size, but what if my poor eating contributes to mood instability?

Yup, I'm all for the change. So, I am "allowed" 10 fish a day until I cut them out completely. The guy I'm dating ensures that I have at least one hot meal each day. (I said no to doing the Zone diet delivery thing.)

I don't want acne.

I'll also start running a couple times a week, and working out. Not only will I look and feel better, but it will help with my sleep as well.

So thankful for the ability to be honest with myself.

More Wives 2!

Woke up on Sunday to this message:

Hello there,

You don't know me but you do know my husband, I'm not trying to come at you in any which way or trying to be disrespectful. I'm writing to tell you to leave my husband alone. Don't send him anymore pictures of your self, don't call him and don't send him any more messages. I'm coming to you as a woman who's trying to keep her family together, and I'm taking the first step in telling you to leave my husband alone. I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but before it gets out of control act like you never met him and get out of his life.

I arrived in NYC at 2am on Sunday. Since I've been sleeping so well, the last thing I want is to wake up to dumb shit.

My reply:
1. Who is your husband?

2. Your husband obviously doesn't know that you are checking his phone and email. So who's disrespecting who?

If you want respect, If you want to know the nature of whatever our relationship is, ask him. Being a woman means having open communication with your husband.

You can't make demands and requests by hiding behind an email. You know who I am, who the hell are you?

"and I'm taking the first step in telling you to leave my husband alone. I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but before it gets out of control act like you never met him and get out of his life."

No, the first step was to speak to your husband.
The second step was to trust your gut and no that he's cheating rather than bitch at me.
The third step was to identify yourself to me.

I don't owe you shit; especially is your loving husband makes me money. I don't give a damn about you or what you have with him.

If you have kids, keep your kids. I don't have or want any.
If you really are married, keep your married life.
If you love him, so what.

Wives are always so quick to beieve that it's the "other woman" who's wrecking their happy home. How do you know that your husband is not the one that needs to leave me alone?

If your relationship was so wonderful maybe he wouldn't need to speak to me.
Maybe whatever it is we have is completely innocent, and you are just pissed off because of the way I look.
Maybe you're pissed because he communicates better with me than he does with you.
Maybe you're pissed off because all of his free time is spent talking to me, wanting to see me, etc.

This is the mistake wives make. Do you think I am the issue?

1. Do I even know that your husband is married? Maybe he hasn't told me.
2. Maybe we're doing business that will allow him to make more money for YOU.
3. Why would I stop speaking to whomever your husband is? Just because you asked? Why should I be loyal to you?

The point: You chose a childish way to communicate an adult message. You have no idea what the relationship is, but instead of asking him, you EMAIL me?

I owe you nothing!

Whomever your husband is, if he has pictures of me, then he's an important person in my life. He either is a cheerleader, a fan, a confidant, a counselor, etc. Bottom line, I care about him and he cares about me.

I know it would be easier to think that I am the homewrecking whore, but I'm not. Your husband actually gives a damn about me, and is willing to risk you finding out, risk you being bothered, etc.

Why am I so mean and bitchy to you?

Had you identified yourself, I would have given a damn, and would have probably taken the initiative to check your husband for you. But you didn't, and this is why I give you ZERO respect! You interrupt my Sunday morning with requests. Go to hell, with your demands.

Come to me correct, until then, I will call, I will email, I will send pictures, and I will have a relationship (whatever it is) with who I damn well please, including your husband!

So the husband TRULY is a biz associate. She felt like an ass and apologized.

Whatever!

MD Funeral

My uncle died on Thursday leaving a greater understanding of who he was.

All my life, I knew him as the antisocial, callous, judgmental uncle. In the last year, he became the sensitive, stickler for education, remorseful of the time he specnt away from the family uncle. At his funeral, I learned that he was the salsa dancing, committed to his wife uncle who actually felt pain.

Did I agree with his methods? No.
Did I understand his choices? No.

But what the hell does it matter?

He had the right to be whomever he wanted to be, and I respect him so much for being unwavering in his beliefs, unapologetic for his actions, and undiluted him.

Uncle Mike lived as he wanted to, and that's hot.

So grateful for the time I had with him and the lessons he taught me via life and death.

More Wives!!!!

"You nasty tramp bitch home-wrecking whore!"

Yup, I got another call; different woman.

Confession: I get on average 2-4 calls from wives/ girfriends/ week.

Today it got to me. It hurt my feelings, made me cry. It's so hateful, so evil.

By virtue of the Law of Attraction, there is something I'm doing to attract this energy. I need to fix it, its really fuckin with my aura!!!!

Drive By Cry Baby

Remember Sea and how I told you he was dead to me?

Oh, yeah, I meant it for sure; there's no coming back from one of those "your-dead-to-me's" unless you're S. (I recognized soon after my rant that I was in a bip mania rage. More on that later.)

Anyway, I had a photo shoot yesterday at an heliport with a Rolls Royce Phantom. Between the sun and the flash, I missed Sea popping up and staring at me. He had pulled off of the nearby highway when he saw me.

I ignored him and told everyone that I didn't know him, and that he was probably just a fan. LOL! He's dead to me remember?

Then he wants to talk.

About WHAT?

He starts one big cry fest about how I'm his best friend and that I hurt him and that no matter what is said or done, at the end of the day he's there for me, & blah, blah, blah.

Why are you doing this?
This is me?
Whah, Whah, Whah.

I won't even repeat the text contents that lead to his demise. But no, there's no coming back.

I wasn't even angry or upset. I simply told him I'm working and that there was nothing to talk about.

Butterfly you're callous. Whatever happened to forgive?

Oh sure. I forgive him. I forgave him once I recognized that he refused to evolve, and that he suffered from "I-don't-like-to-get-checked-and-so-I-lash-out-to-hurt-you-cuz-it-makes-me-feel-good-itis".

It wasn't just the text, it was his repeated blatant disregard for what was important to me, his unwillingness to fix his deep rooted selfishness, his judgment of me and our mutual friend, his constant "victim" status, his inability to be respectful to anyone he dated, and then the quality of chicks he chose to deal with. YUK!

I simply decided that I no longer wanted to be a spectator at his Rocky Horror Freak Show.

I could go on & on, but he's gotten more than enough of my blog time.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

So thankful that the length of a friendship doesn't cloud my judgment of what's best for me.

Major WTF!

It's OPEN SEASON on MARRIED MEN!!!

Fuck Em!

Who said it?
Yes I said!

I get a call at 5:45am from a business associate. I let it go to voicemail because my office hours are between 11am and 6pm. He's no exception.

I check the message at 7am. It said:

"This is Darian's wife, I want to know why your number is in my husband's phone. We've been married for five years. If you're woman enough to call me back, you will."

Yup, NICE JUST F*CKIN EXPIRED!

For this year, I've had 9 wives call me with this "who-are-you-to-my-husband" bullshit. I've protected their husbands by being cordial and respectful to their childish bitchy ass wives, and diffused the situation so it didn't escalate.

But, no more.

I call her back and say:

You want to know what my relationship is with your husband? Ask him. If not, its none of your fuckin business. Stupid, childish, CIA shit like this is why my number is in his phone; because his wife does ignorant ass shit.

How's that?

I could be the reason Darien is working;
the reason you have food on your table;
the reason you even have a cell phone to call me.

I could be his boss's wife, and he could be headed home right now to tell you that he was fired because he couldn't check his chick.

Stop acting like you're so in love and I'm messing it up. If it was that great, you'd have the open conversation necessary to clear this up. Don't bring me into your kindergarten world. Grow the fuck up and stop acting like an insecure, triflin ass ho!

Additionally, you ever fuckin call me with this shit again, you will have no muthafuckin peace. By the way if you think I'm fuckin playing, I will conveniently forget that you have kids and FUCK your world up. P.S. Ronaldo Morales at at the 78th precinct is my detective. Got it.

(She says sorry.)

No, there is no muthafuckin sorry.

CLICK!

I'M DONE PLAYING NICE.

FUCK DECEITFUL MARRIED MEN WHO NEVER SAY THAT THEY'RE MARRIED!

FUCK MARRIED MEN WHO CAN'T CHECK THEIR CHICKS!

FUCK WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS WHO CALL RANDOM CHICKS!

A Hand to Hold

Please allow me to vent.

This is an open letter to every adult on the Franklin Avenue bound shuttle on Wednesday, May 23rd at 10:15 am.

Okay, so I'm sitting listening to my ipod, when I notice everyone looking toward the end of the train.

There was a man having a seizure; at least 30 seconds into it. He was banging his head against the window and moaning.

Would you believe that not even one selfish ass muthafucka got up to help, to aid, to do shit!

I dropped my bags, ran over, kept his head straight, tried to keep his mouth open as best as I could so he wouldn't bite or swallow his tongue, held his hand and prayed; YES OUT LOUD.

I checked his pulse when he relaxed, and when I saw that he was breathing, I began fanning him with a nearby newspaper.

When he could speak I got his name, contact number, emergency contact, found out he was an epileptic, off meds, and that he had not had a seizure in 5 months.

I also found out what he ate and any meds he was currently taking. (I obtained this info for the paramedics just in case he had another seizure.)

Not even NYPD touched him! They said thank you to me as if as a human I had a choice; real humans give a damn!

The paramedics came and said it was likely that he could have went into a coma or died had I not stopped him from banging his head against the window.

I don't want kudos.
I don't want job well done.
I don't want applause.
I don't want trumpets or clashing cymbals.

I want to know that if I have an asthma attack, pass out, etc, that someone will give a damn; even if you don't know what to do, holding a hand goes a long muthafuckin way.

You spineless muthafuckas who were content with watching a man die, need to be wiped off the face of the muthafuckin earth!

He could have been your father, brother, son, boyfriend, or YOU. But you would have died because you didn't want to touch him?

Because you didn't know what to do?
Because people were watching?
Because you were on the phone?
Because you had things in your hand?
Because he wasn't a Wall Street type?
Because its not your job?

Fuck you!

I won't even wish you being alone during your time of need. Just do me the favor of never riding any of the muthafuckin NYC trains!

So grateful that I had a hand to hold and the good sense to hold a hand.

Brain Fart

Today at work, I spent 10 minutes trying to spell "sophisticated".

I typed "sufisticated". LMBO

It was so wrong that not even the spellchecker knew what I was trying to spell.

So thankful for inside jokes that allow me to forget the morons that surround me.

Men in My Life UPDATE

1. The Man with the Dogs - He is SOOOOOO in 1st Place. He comes back from Dominican Republic tonight, and I can't wait.

2. The owner - He sent me a text on Saturday saying that I am making his vision come to fruition, and he is so glad to have me on board. Uhhhhh.

3. The new 5k. He wants to see me on Wednesday. Haven't had a chance to tell him about the Man with the Dogs because he's been in Hawaii, but I ain't going out with him any more. Even if he did pledge and bring me jewelry from Hawaii. I HATE HIS VOICE!

4. 67 - He'll send me on a vacation if I raise $5k. He's old! He's RICH, but he's OLD. So funny and sweet, but old. I want to run on the beach with my significant other. He ain't running no where. LMBO!

5. The Italian - He received his official pink slip. Unless he miraculously becomes EXACTLY who I want, he'll be in ex -haven.

6. The Ass - He'll be in a photo shoot with me on Wednesday.

7. Quiet Daddy - Told him there's no point to our flirting because its not going anywhere and I'm interested in someone else. So, like, move on.

Yeeeee-hah for honesty!!!!

So grateful for growth!

Bidding War

So I'm raising money for a charity.

I personally want to raise $5k to send 5 children to an asthma camp.

Anyway, of course I send the "pledge website" to all the "men in my life".

I won't say that they're trying to impress me because they can more than afford the dough, but uh, yeah, they're trying to impress me and I love it!

The new 5k was the first to give with $100.
The Italian gave $500.
ANother guy already told me he'd do $1k.

Yee-hah!

Great cause, I look great, and they feel good.

So thankful for good deeds that give back.

The Italian Has Left the Building....

...well, kinda. He doesn't want to go. I sent him the following email on Saturday:

Here's truth.

With each passing day that I didn't get what I wanted and needed from our relationship, I slowly withdrew.

I could play the role and pretend that things are the same, but they're not.

I don't see it the "us" any more, and I'm no longer looking.

I've always cared about you. I've never lied, never caused you stress. Even when my world was attacked and I had every reason to strike back, I protected you.

Truth is, "us" has never been about me, but about you.

I've been ready, ready for quite a while. Ready to be the solo queen of a king. But the truth is, you're not ready for what I want (no fault of your own), but I not longer have a desire to wait for you to fix you.

Change is scary for you. Not impossible, but scary. The very thought of change is making you sick. You are okay with sticking a toe into the water, but can't dive in.

I'm 30, I'm happy, and I want someone to share the rest of my life with.
I want to make lunch, run baths, do laundry, pick up dry cleaning, be a trophy, buy gifts, have gifts bought for me, be spoiled, be in love, be free to be me, love openly, appreciate and admire, travel, and be respected, admired and appreciated up close, not from afar.

Truth is, I want all of this now, and I did want that with you, but you're not ready to dive in.

I'm a hell of a catch, do bad you're not ready and equipped to reel me in.
I want my freedom absolute, but I can't have it because you are afraid of it.

To be honest with myself is to say I love you with all my heart, but I need, want and deserve so much more than you can offer.

Yup, I sent it.

Was it motivated by the guy I'm dating now? Nope, just by growth.

So grateful that I don't feel the need to hold on to him.

Why I Write, Why I Blog

I look at a pen and paper and I see....

I see a CANVAS such as beneath an exquisite work of ART.
It heralds me to paint a WORD picture, and
INVITE others to my party,
To my WORLD,
To my DREAM.

I see UNCHARTERED territory that beckons me to CONQUER it.
To POSSESS it.
To BE it.
To TRANSFORM it in to a world that infiltrates the mind
And lends itself to the senses
Until EVERYONE is ADDICTED to my vocabulary.

I see an opportunity to HAVE my cake and to EAT it, TOO.
My paper is a GIFT that I can give to others.
Yet, it is a gift that I can RETAIN in my subconscious
For as long as I need those words as a FIX
To get me through the day,
And to enable me to PROCESS my reality.

I look at a pen and paper and I see....

HOPE.
Hope for me to process my thoughts,
And to see life as rosy at all times,
instead of that occasional dismal gray.

I see LIFE.
For on the LIMITLESS space that I am allowed on the white,
yellow, or other colored paper,
I can create LIFE.
I can create a world where everything goes MY WAY.
And even when it doesn't I can MAKE it happen as such.

I look at a pen and paper and I see....

How JEALOUS I am.
For the paper can transform itself and be transformed into ANYTHING.
It can stand ALONE or in a GROUP.
Yet, I at times, seem BOUND by the constraints
Of my mind, others, and of life situations.

Oh, how I WISH everything were as EASY as
Placing ink unto a paper surface.
For then with the SWIPE of a ballpoint,
I could TRULY be the author of my destiny,
And make ALL bad things go away.

But I cannot.

And so I continue to WRITE and to EXPRESS, to BLOG
And to HOPE that in the process the JOY I bring to others,
Will BOOMERANG back to me.

Truth Serum

If I took truth serum, these are the things that would come out. (It's part of my therapy.)

1. I would kill a cat.
2. I'd do almost anything to have my way.
3. Women can't be trusted.
4. Men can be forgiven.
5. People who don't like me are morons.
6. I can do anything reall well.
7. I want to be taken care of by a man.
8. People are annoying.
9. I'm the best.
10. I have a tail.
11. I'm not certain if I can really swim
12. I don't wash my face every night.
13. To get perfect pedicures, I've had silk and uv gel overlays.
14. I treat pretty people better.
15. I'm smarter than most people I know.

Just kidding on #10.

That's all for now.

Thankful for honesty.

Walking & Chewing Gum

*****WARNING:*****
THE FOLLOWING POST WILL APPEAR HIGHLY SELFISH,
BUT IT IS NOT.

This week, a friend told me that "I'm not good at dealing with other people's issues".

From the way she sees it, I disappear when issues surface, aka, I have a high "ditch, run, bail" factor.

I've been told this before -several times - and it meant nothing to me then. Now, because I am striving to achieve (violins on) "peace and inner oneness" (violins off) (LMBO!), it still doesn't affect me. It simply means that two people can have totally different perspectives on the same situation.

It's true.

I don't think I bail.

I think I look out for ME first, and because I do, it's perceived as bailing and being selfish.

Some examples:

I had a bf who entered the police academy. It would be a 6 month stint. It appeared that I bailed because he wouldn't have enough time for me, but truth is, he wasn't gonna be my "the one". Should I have stayed with a cadet who was younger than I was, with A LOT of growing up to do, and who COULDN'T take care of me like I needed him to, just because I was his chick?

Another ex couldn't check his baby mama and she would call me and harass my world. Last January, I flipped and went to her house determined to run her over. (The above cop ex, showed up and stopped me).

Anyway, this ex also wasn't working as regularly at the time. When he did, he made amazing money. Now, was I supposed to hang around being "supportive", footing the bills, all while being harassed, just because I was his chick?

Italian got a divorce. Okay, hooray! But, should I hold his hand through this post divorce and finding himself blues just because I was there from the beginning?

OH HELL NO!

Butterfly must be taken care of. I need food, water, attention, affection and no stress. If a guy can't do that, then why the hell is he around me?

I have enough stress of my own than to take on more.

So what about chicks?

Hmmm.

Yeah, back to that chick issue. Sometimes I think I'm a boy; I'm simply not wired to be as emotional or bond-y as women.

Every "fall out" that I've ever had with a chick stemmed from me not calling, me wanting to be left alone, me not being "supportive" (there's that word, again.), or being as they say "callous".

Can I be? I guess so.

I know that I can be harsh and judgmental because I expect people to get "it". I get "it", and when I don't get "it", I take the time to read, research, experiment, and explore until I find "it". I expect people to do the same.

I'm wired to get to the solution, to flush the shit, NOT stare at it in the toilet.

Yeah, I bail on chicks, too.

One of my best friends in college had 2 kids, repeatedly dated men that were two lifeforms above amoebas, and was always crying and hurt.

Who wants to hear and deal with that shit?!?!

So I pulled away in the interest of self -preservation. I hated to see what she was doing with her life, and me being "supportive" wasn't helping. I wasn't her messenger, so I "bailed" physically. I was there via email, and occasional phone calls, but that was it. Should I have sacrificed my sanity because she thought she needed me? Should I have wasted my life away listening to the dumb shit she did over and over because she wanted me to?

Another friend. A serial downer. She loved that I was a model and wanted to be one, too. But it wasn't happening. Everything was always about her weight, is she pretty enough, she hates her stomach, she's afraid to go to the agencies, I'm, so ugly, blah, blah, blah.

Shit or get off the pot!

Make it happen or pick another muthaf*ckin career choice! DAMN!!!

Who the hell has time to listen to that shit?!?!?

I "bailed". Yup I did.

Why?

My sanity!

I know what I can handle, and consistently negative, whiny shit is way to much for me. Was I supposed to hold her hand through all of her self -berating tirades?

For what? What good would it do her besides give her an audience? What good would it do me besides kill brain cells and waste my muthaf*ckin time?

I also know that I can't walk and chew gum; meaning, I can't handle my own issues and handle someone else's. I know, I know, "we can handle them together".

I like to solve my own. I get bits of feedback and then retreat to reflect. I'm also very selective about issues I stick around for.

So what will I do when married?

Well, I'll be married. I would have made a commitment. Until there is a ROCK on the 4th finger from the right, left hand, I AIN'T LOYAL TO NOBODY!

Maybe it's my conditioning.

Maybe it's "middle-child-you-need-to-look-out-for-yourself" syndrome.

Maybe I've lived long enough to know that someone only has your back when they aren't going through shit themselves.

Maybe I have zero loyalty to anyone but myself (OK, maybe immediate family). But I think that's the way it should be. Shouldn't everyone depend solely on themselves, never relying on anyone for anything?

Huh, what?

Now, that I'm aware of how people view my behavior, I should try to alter it?

For what?

Am I not the most important person in my world?

I must protect myself. How can I be any good to me or to people who my need me if I don't know when to auto shut off?

If I am constantly running on "E", how can I be any good when I am able to help.

(Btw, the people above are all better because I "bailed".) I have an enabling personality, and until I get it corrected, right now the best thing for people, and what will inevitably make them stronger, is for me to "bail".

Oh, so grateful that I can be honest with myself. It's the foundation of growth.

A Look Inside

The emailer's comments really bothered me. Rather, I allowed them to bother me.

The result:
I didn't meditate last night.
I didn't burn my Lavender oil.
I tossed an turned all night.
I woke up groggy and lethargic.
I have a headache.

My point: I have triggers. NEGATIVE SHIT are my triggers.

I MUST stay away from negative people, negative things, negative interactions.

I feel like crap today; Not bipolar crap, but as a human who did not sleep well. As a result, yes, my bipolar was triggered.

I'm thinking clearly, but it's 1pm and I'm not at work.

Today showed me that I don't give a damn if people take my new approach personal or not. MY health and productivity depends on it.

Things Could Be Worse!

Call this number: 641-985-7805, and have a laugh.

Things could always be worse, BUT THEY'RE NOT.

Choose to have a Wonderfully Fantabulous Day, today!

Love you for reading!

Muuuuah!

Fighter!

You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter!

Expectations 2

Expectations 1

People have the right NOT to deal with your illness.

Seems unfair, right?

But truth is, we can't blame someone for NOT wanting to hang around for our cycling. We can't blame someone for NOT wanting to deal with our mood swings, prolonged funk or rage -filled tantrums.

Each individual must be honest about their limitations; limitations that have nothing to do with me or you.

Harsh, but true.

We expect those close to us to be present AND supportive as we wade through the murky waters of chemical imbalances, but it's really NOT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY to cure us, fix us, or make us happy.

It's our own.

Further more, people have the right to choose to be around, and then when it gets to be too much for them, to leave.

You can't be mad at that.

I have shit.
You have shit.
Everyone has shit.

What if when you are going through YOUR shit, the person you usually turn to has shit of THEIR OWN?

Then what?

Are they less of a person, less of a friend because they can't help you?

Hmmmm.

Keeping it Real.

You can only be as supportive as the absence of shit in your life.

Think about it.

When you're in the middle of a crisis (whether anyone deems it a crisis or not), how much energy do you have for someone else?

When I was feeling suicidal I couldn't help myself. The last thing I could do was help anyone else.

OK, so I'm happy, I'm not suicidal, but I have my own day to day struggle to stay upbeat and positive; and it truly seems more exhausting than when I was swimming in a suicidal funk.

I'm retraining myself to be a positive chick instead of a surly bitter bitch, and yes,it can be exhausting as hell.

No, I'm not trying to find commonality with those of you who are cycling, depressed or manic; just showing that there are several sides to this bipolar shit.

To be continued.....

Fuck You

I received this shit in an email:

"There is NO remission. You may feel fine now, but your bipolar will return. Are you even bipolar?"

Here's what I have to say:
FUCK YOU!!!!!
If you have bipolar I'm sorry that things are rough for you right now, but I refuse to be made to feel guilty for feeling great.

Before you judge me, try doing what I've done, or try to find out what works for you. I guarantee you that your peace of mind won't be found in JUDGING ME!

I'm doing what works for me, and I AIN'T APOLOGIZING!

FUCK YOU AND YOUR HATIN' ASS!

Who said it?
I SAID IT!

I'm trying to get through just like you.

And yes, I am being harsh because having bipolar is NEVER an excuse to act like a muthaf*cking asshole!

You feel like shit because you take the time to send me shit like this!

Kiss my ass and never send me shit like this again!

What? No for real, WHAT?

What does it mean to support?

People say they want support.
I say I want support.
But what does support mean?

You know what?

I realized today that "support" means something different to everyone.

For me, support means "match and mirror"; match my mood and mirror my interactions.

If I'm talking, speak.
If I'm NOT talking, shut he f*ck up!

Don't call me excessively, don't try to come by, and don't impose on my privacy. PERIOD.

For me, being supportive means being available to talk if I need to talk; being available for a meal or movie or whatever I need at the time that I call.

But, that's support for me.

Apparently I give support differently because my support-iveness was called into question this week.

I simply treat people like I want to be treated.

I don't do the excessive calling, texting. I match and mirror. Well, OK, to be honest, I treat chicks and men differently. (Yup, back to my chick issues. I AM working on them, btw.)

Men say that I am eternally loyal and supportive, and than my maternal instinct kicks into high gear when they are in need. Chicks think I disappear. (I think girls need more than I know how to give right now.) Honestly, sometimes, I don't know what is expected from me. I just do what I would want.

Ash, Amanda, Onemeanmutha, Amber, Anonymous Mom, Am I tough, callous and harsh since going into "remission"?

Do you think I am judgmental and acting "holier than thou"?

I HAVE NOT forgotten what frustration feels like, I'm simply doing everything I can CUZ I AIN'T TRYIN TO GO BACK!!!!!

Anyway, when you throw mental issues and chemical imbalances into the pot, I guess the support definition changes.

If I am suicidal (FOR REAL), yeah, step in.
If I am fighting, step in.
If I am acting irrational (FOR REAL AND OFTEN), step in.

If I am keeping to myself, leave me alone. I'm different. I'm very introspective. I withdraw to think, to regroup, to process and to plan my next move.

When I withdraw, unless I am harming myself, that's not a clue to turn on the Scooby Doo chase music!

I think people with chemical imbalances and mental illness need understanding and truth.

Gain understanding via research.
Give me truth because sometimes I can't see it.

I feel great.
I really do.
For the first time in a long time, I am neither in physical or mental pain. I attribute how I feel to understanding and truth.

An ex reminded me of how strong I was in the past, and was so confident that I could get back there, that he made me believe. He studied everything about bipolar and coupled what he discovered with what he knew of me, to give me the truth I needed.

You know what, I'm not apologizing for how I feel.

So grateful for, doing me. No matter how other people might view it. I'm a work in progress.

Expectations

A friend is disappointed in me, and feels that I haven't been supportive, but rather judgmental.

I get it, but I don't get it, and it's frustrating me. Help me out.

I think it's human nature to have expectations.

People expect things, right?

Expect to be loved
Expect to be appreciated
Expect to be nurtured
Expect to be respected
Expect to be liked
Expect people to be responsible
Expect people to be honest
Expect to be treated fairly
Expect those close to just know
Expect to be understood

But expectations can lead to disappointment.

Lately, I haven't expected anything from anyone.

I DON'T expect to be loved; I accept that people will love me if they so choose.

I DON'T expect to be appreciated; I do and give what I can because I want to, not because someone will say "thank you".

I DON'T expect to be nurtured; I'll do it myself and people will too as convenient for them.

I DON'T expect to be respected; I command respect. PERIOD.

I DON'T expect to be liked; I'm either too much, too pretty, to young, too black, to smiley, to perky, dress too nice, too bitchy, too moody. WHATEVER! As I evolve I care less about being liked, and more about being respected.

I DON'T expect people to be responsible; people do stupid shit.

I DON'T expect people to be honest; some people are as honest as their options.

I DON'T expect those close to me to "just know"; how can they? I withdraw and speak when I feel like it. I leave nothing to chance. If its important, I say it.

I DON'T expect to be understood; I'm working my way through my haze. How can anyone else figure me out if I can't?

I don't expect thing from people because they are subject to change, as am I.

Are my "no expectations" the equivalent of "bullshit insurance"?

To be continued...

The Secret

Do you still doubt that The Secret works?

Does it seem like some hocus pocus mumbo jumbo?

Is it difficult to grasp the concept?

Here's The Secret in a nutshell:
As within, so without.
Garbage in, garbage out.
Whatever you think is true.

If you think you suck, you're right!
If you think you're great -Yuppos, correct again!

In the interim, buy the book, watch the movie, purchase the audio book.

If it doesn't change your life, read it again.

So grateful that I made myself read it.

My New Toy

I've had the Sprint Treo 650 for about three years.

I've had it for so long and its been great, but I need to access my email a lot faster, especially for work.

So, on Saturday, I got myself a toy!

The Blackberry 8703e.

It has the cool scroll-y thingy on the side -which caters to the 5 year old boy inside of me. I'll also get email a lot faster, & can hook it up to my laptop & use it as a modem.

Hooray for toys!

So thankful for the little pleasures.

A Denim Date

Waffle Brunch
At a sunlit table
A Root beer Float.
2 hours of rib tickling laughter.

Shopping
Midday stroll.
Checked on my feet from walking.
He picked the stores.
Ensured that the sales clerk catered to me.
Gave his opinions.
15 try on's and $650 later, I had pairs 4 of jeans.
His treat.

Great day.

Surprises
5 bags of Swedish Fish
2 Packs of Cameo Cookies
2 Bottles of Tropicana Orange Soda
1 Box of Captain Crunch
1 Box of Vanilla Soy Milk
1 Toothbrush

We chatted until 3:30am.

Yeah, he is so in 1st place.

Should it all end tomorrow, I am so grateful for the past 4 days of smiles.

Bipolar's Bad Rap

I had a hard February - April.

It was hard to learn that I'm a defective product. Then again, those were the messages fed to me, and the messages I chose to believe.

I saw myself as defective, and I subsequently acted defective. I had more physical altercations in April than in my 30 years on earth combined!

Bipolar became a reason for everything, when most times it was just my nasty, bitchy, pessimistic outlook on life causing the trouble.

Bipolar got a bad rap.

No more.

I took back the power. I may be a couple cc's short of serotonin, but I am not the wacko that the media, doctors and society may try to portray me to be.

People can only make me feel ashamed if I ALLOW them.

I'm not ashamed of being bipolar, just like I'm not ashamed of being asthmatic or of being 5"7'.

Bipolar characterizes one small part in a greater whole, and my whole, ROCKS!

So thankful, for a mind at peace. I pray that all my readers one day achieve the peace that I know today.

I'm Gonna Dance!

Ok, so this year, I've been wanting to do everything that my angry old self was to bitter to notice that I wanted to do.

This included having an MTV Sweet 16, 30th Birthday Party.

Here's what's next:

For my next event at work, I'll open the show.

I'll be dancing!

It'll be a combination of Top 40 Hits. But the idea just got even better.

I want the show opener to be me as Roxie Hart!

Chicago

Yup, I'm going to see Chicago for the 7th time.

I'm not sure why I love it so.

Maybe I am secretly wishing to be in the musical.

I know all the songs, words, and a couple dances.

The guy I'm dating got me 2 amazingly great tickets. He's going with me because he bought them (although he said I can take anyone I want). I want my sister to go, so I'll have to get another ticket. I'll tell him.

Or, I can take her to viewing #8!

In the interim, experience...Chicago!

So grateful for, musicals I can feel!

I'm in Remission

Did You even know that there was such a thing as bipolar remission?

That article was the result of searching for how I felt.

Remission. I feel like I am in remission.

There is so much online about remission. I knew it wasn't in my head. Remission really IS what I am going through.

One site said: Bipolar disorder may involve long periods of remission between episodes. Everyone can be lulled into a false sense of security. This fosters denial of the illness and premature medication cessation.

Wow!

Wait, now remission means it could come back. Hmmmm, I guess it's too early to tell if I'm in remission or if I healed myself. My goal is to heal myself, so I'll keep ya posted.

Anyway, I feel great to know this, like I'm more aware and have been given a heads up on an assassin that may try to get me. Or maybe I watch too much Law & Order.

So grateful for info available on the Internet.

New Breasts?!?!?!

How did I forget to tell you about this?!?!?!

I know you all thought I was a couple fries short of a happy meal when I told you about how chicks morph into me.

Well, the latest update is that a co -worker is going to get new breasts because she "sees how the guys look at me".

WTF?!?!

Are you kidding me?

She ain't kidding and is flying to a certain South American country to get it done.

And I'M nuts?

Puh-leeze!

So grateful, that I'm not sweatin any chicks breasts!

I'm Happy

I am really happy right now.

Why?

Cuz, I'm doing the muthaf*ckin work to be fine.

I'm doing what works for ME, and it's working. I am truly feeling normal for me and happy.

Can things be better? SURE!
Can things be worse? HELL YEAH.

But why focus on that stuff?

Being off meds means I NEED to avoid ALL stress, negativity, pessimism and bad energy. I feel like I'm alienating people, but we're talking about my life! I can't say: "My life sucks because I wasn't smart enough to separate myself from things and people that make me depressed, and so I'm back on meds."

Nope, not having it. If my life scores like Spiderman 3 or flops like Gigli, it's my fault.

So grateful for standing up for me!

The Men in My Life

For the first time in a very long time, I don't feel the immediate desire for a man in my world.

Meaning, I'm so okay with going out to lunch/ dinner, hanging out, etc, but no desire to have a guy all up in my space.

I'm not saying that I don't want it; just saying that there are other things that take top priority.

So, humor me, and as I tell about the men in my world.

1. The Italian - Amazingly handsome; very successful; proven love for me and desire to take care of me; (He got me my apartment, paid my rent and sent me to a hotel for a week because I needed to relax.) Love him to bits, but he needs to be solo right now.

2. The owner - We do these really weird borderline text/ email flirts. From the moment I started working for the company, everyone started pairing us together, and we've stayed away from each other because a hook up is so the obvious and logical next step. I think we've avoided an "us" because on some level we recognize that we want to get a lot more accomplished before we even entertain the possibility of blurring/ crossing lines. He adores me, respects me, and gave me the name "Black Barbie". LOL. I respect him immensely, and he can do no wrong. I'm loyal to him, to the end. Oh, I think he's cute too.

3. Mr. M- I forgot that men are about 3-5 years younger than women. I can't even fault him. He really likes me, but is so afraid to feel and totally let me in (although he is), that it's becoming annoying. Damn, I'm doing the work on myself, so why the hell can't everybody do the work? (Yes, I know, different stages of evolution.) Although I want for nothing when with him, he's got a hell of a lot of growing up to do.

4. The new 5k. Yea, he gave me $5k. It was on my Law of Attraction list, and he delivered. The Secret works, I tell ya. Anyway, he adores me. Loves to be seen with me, got me really cool bday presents, but I hate his voice! He has this thick Long Island accent that I'm not a fan of. We have great conversation, but I feel like I might be the black experiment for him. He just seems too smitten.

5. 67 - I've had lunch with him twice this week. He's an incredibly charming man, with an amazing sense of humor. He invited me to Atlantic City next weekend, and on Monday we will attend a Broadway show and charity event. Yeah, he's flirting quite a bit, and is determined to impress me. It's working. Lol.

6. The Man with the Dogs - Very quirky-ly handsome. Amazing dresser, great conversation, his closet is neat, he has a motorcycle, has a collection of knives for class, and a very manly apartment. He let's me play with his babies. I'll give you an update after dinner tomorrow.

7. The Ass - Dated a really handsome model/ actor/ real estate agent last October. We hit it off really well. I bought him a digital camera for his birthday, then I had to be physically restrained at one of my events in November because he arrived with ANOTHER CHICK!

$1 said I was going to smash him face in with a wine bottle. A co-worker got to me before I could actually do it. Anyway, he was away. Now he's back in town, and my open -arms reaction to him shocked him, and me. How's that for growth, Ash? So handsome, oh so handsome, but so undeserving of me.

8. Quiet Daddy - This guy is so smitten by me. I flirt with him because it amuses me, and well, I guess him, too. He has twin 6 year old boys, and since I only trying to babies that walk on 4 legs, he's so not in the running. He likes me, but so what?

I think that's all for now.

Top contenders:
1. Italian
2. The Owner

That's all folks.

Oh so grateful for not NEEDING a man.

The Italian

Remember him?

Well, we had a wonderful early dinner on Monday.

Each time we reconnect, it's as if no time has past.

So where are we now?

Well, he wants us to be together- as in move in together -ASAP.

It would be a tremendous financial relief for me, and it would be great to be with him 100%, but I'm not finished working on me and I KNOW that he needs some time adjusting to being the solo Italian.

He's comfortable having a chick around, and I want to be around because he chooses me, and not because of what he is "accustomed to".

I'm just not into be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I want security and protection as much as the next chick, but I'm really committed to doing the work I need to do to get me right, FIRST.

How's that for growth?

If he's for me, we'll be together with no work necessary from me.

Oh, did I mention that he's fine as hell?

We make such a beautiful couple it's sickening. Wish I could show you pictures :-p

So, grateful for being HONEST with myself.

Ciao!

Are You Listening?

I am oh so thankful for "Aha Moments"

What have you been hearing, but have repeatedly ignored?

Back story
So, I'm still reading "As a Woman Thinketh" By James Allen (same as "As a Man Thinketh"). Anyway, much of what I read mirrors The Secret. Now, I remember being told to read The Secret back in 2005 by a chick I was suing (go figure). I remember thinking that she was a pompous arse who wanted to stick it to me with her holier than though stance.

How wrong I was!

Clearly, she was not my messenger.

This seemingly "delayed activity mindset" is the same thing that irks me about giving people "advice".

I would purchase books for people; they'd never read them.
I'd create wonderful cd's, they never listen.

So what gives?

Is there a carrot in your ear?
Was/ Is there a carrot in my ear?

What else have I heard repeatedly, yet ignored?

Here's my list.
1. Stay away from dairy. I stay away from regular milk (I do soy), but love ice cream. It's so good going down, but hell to pay an hour later. I love it and don't wanna give it up, so after 5+ years, I'm gonna research lactaid and other things or just stop with the dairy all together.

2. Meditation. My ex was amazing with this. He could do it for hours in one position. I simultaneously envied and admired him for it. I saw how it calmed him. I knew it could work for me but I made excuses; I was lazy; I chose to watch Law & Order. LOL

So, I'm gonna commit to it like brushing my teeth. No meditation, No toothbrush. Period.

3. Exercise. Again, my ex is in AMAZING physical condition- inside and out. His flexibility is the result of martial arts and yoga. He eats so healthy and lives each day like "his body is a temple". He's great.

My exercise - just in time for a fashion show or if I get pissed off. Effective immediately, I'm committing any 3 days/ week to my workout.

4. Hair. I hide behind it. My hair changes often, and when its big, long or curly, I'm usually feeling in the dumps. People tell me all the time to show my face. So I'm cutting it off. Yup. Short. I don't wanna hide any more. So I'll most likely do it this weekend.

Hmm.... What else.

5. Anger. My anger has never been in check. I've had issues dating back to kindergarten when I refused to do any work until I was advanced to 1st grade because I was smarter than the other kindergarten kids. LOL!

I am convinced that my anger, all that pent up rage & frustration that I've held on to for long is what made me bipolar.

How can I say that?

Well, out bodies are chemicals. Chemicals are affected by internal and external stimuli. My chemicals were thrown out of wack by my diet, lack of exercise and consistent negative thinking and actions.

Being hateful will never produce love.
Being hateful produces disease and dis -ease.

The point: I'm gonna start paying attention, and committing to immediate action. This is my life. I'm too blame for success or failure.

Do You Deserve Your Disease?

This won't be popular, but hey, I figured you stuck by me through my rants, tantrums & breakdowns. So, you'd at least read and ponder the question before burning me at the stake.

Yup, I meant the question: Do You Deserve Your Disease?

What would make me ask such a thing?

See, I simply can't believe that "bad things happen to good people". Rather, I believe that bad things happen to people (all people) who have bad thoughts and good things happen to people (all people) who have good thoughts.

I'm reading "As a Woman Thinketh", and it made an amazing point: To say that a bad thing happened to a good person, and to conclude that it was totally unfair is to presuppose from a superficial view that the person was ALL good.

Meaning, good people have bad thoughts and can do bad things; hence, bad things CAN happen to them.

No one is ALL good, and until a person has removed every speck of ill from their life, they are unfit to conclude that their suffering is wrongful repayment for virtues and good deeds.

Everyone wants to be a m*thaf*ckin victim and martyr, but if we're honest and do an assessment, many of us are some evil b*tches.

Don't believe me?

Reread my March & April posts. LOL!

It may be too much for some to ponder, but I'm diving in. SWISH!

I can be a mean, vindictive, selfish, misogynistic, hateful, vengeful, venom- spewing, bigotty, bratty BITCH.

For me to say that I don't deserve to be bipolar is for me to say that I am unjustly suffering for being an angel to humanity; which just isn't true.

I don't deserve to be bipolar? Really?

Well, butterfly, what would have been a more fitting punishment for you laundry list o crimes against humanity?

Schizophrenia?
Tourettes?
MS?
Lose a limb?
Blindness?
Cancer?
Death?

Hell, what gives me the right to think I should NEVER suffer, ever?

What gives me the right to place suffering in a hierarchy and choose what I deserve?

Who the hell do I think I am?

Jesus was the son of God & He was crucified!

And my (at times) triflin ass wants a get out of jail free card?

Who's really being unfair now?

The point: Bipolar is what I see when I CHOOSE to look at it. If I busy myself with infusing my world with all things good, I'll be having too much fun on the return of my positivity to notice or have time for a mood swing.

Disclaimer: Thoughts represent what's applicable to ME.

Mixed Monday Share

I remember how I felt as my aunt described her frustration after being told that she should "pray her bipolar away".

At the time, I agreed that the imbalance had less to do with sin (actually nothing to do with sin at all), and more to do with basic human physiology.

I was angry at her pastor, and a year later, I, too would be on the receiving end of an ignorant pastor's mental illness prejudice.

So, why am I mixed today?

Last night I had chat with my bff, (lol) and was totally frustrated.

We have different diagnoses yet similar symptoms and manifestations.

Sometimes I forget that we are different. In general, I forget that EVERYONE is different from me. I expect people to act like me and to choose what I do and instantly get it because I'm always right. LOL (All the while not wanting people to be like me and to to do what I do; go figure).

Anyway,I am feeling great.
She's not.
I want to help, but can't because she doesn't believe what I believe.

We are in two different places physically, mentally, emotionally and physiologically.

There's no way for me to tell her how to get to my happy "here" without sounding like my aunt's pastor or without sounding judgmental.

I've felt like this for a while. Don't know what to do. I just accept that maybe I am not her messenger.

I've been off med, for at least 2.5 weeks, and I feel wonderful! I'm not measuring my moods according to mania or depression, but rather just human-ness.

I think clearly, sleep well, and am truly happy (especially since the nausea has subsided. YUK)

Then she said, "you could just be manic".

No, I'm not!

It didn't make me mad, but it did reveal something about my thought patterns for myself and other people.

I KNOW that I can heal myself. It's not a matter of "if", but "when".

In my life, I've seen limbs grow out.
I've been instantly healed of pain too many times to count.
I've healed myself.

Yes, there is a physiological dimension, but if a leg can be made longer, if people can be cured of cancer, can't I produce more serotonin?

This is not a mandate for everyone. I'm not advocating that everyone flush their meds down the toilet. I guess I'm saying that my meds were a poison to me. I don't EVER want to take them again, and I want to heal myself, and maybe I can help heal other people, too.

I've never looked to science for the end all be all result because I truly believe that science doesn't dictate the bottom line of my life. Here is where the concept of the Divine comes in (more on that later).

I am NOT my mind.
I am NOT a friggin diagnosis.
Living that way REALLY made me NUTS.

What am I?

I am a spirit that lives in a body and communicates with this world using my mind.

The world says I am manic when I am confused about how to communicate and relate to a world that's not my own.

The world says I'm manic when I'm eager to teach and do and learn, but I'm simply too fast for them.

Sidebar- I don't even believe in autism. I think people who are autistic are HIGHLY intelligent and communuicate at a higher level than regular humans.

But, I digress.

She then asked: "what are you gonna do when u have a very bad day & u realize that u can't control it w/o meds?"

My reply: "I am NEVER taking meds again!"

The only way I'll have another bad day is if I stop doing the work that got me to this point.

My way isn't for everyone, but it's called living life as Butterfly.

Grateful, for days outside the storm.

Cookie Monster

So, my sister had me get her an oatmeal cooconut cookie on Saturday.

I've never tried until then.

The plan was to bring two from my company's owner tomorrow.

Well, I had 3.
I ate 1, and I swear -all mental inllness aside- THE OTHER COOKIES CALLED ME.

They told me to eat another one. I SWEAR.

So, I have one left.
I can't take one cookie to him.
I'll get more tomorrow.

Thankful for a cookie that can make me smile.

Lighten Up!

I'm sure we've all heard about how a full moon can affect people with chemical imbalances in the brain (so much more friendly to say than than mental illness).

But, what about the effect of sunlight and warm weather?

I'm sure I could find a study that shows there are more people with unmanageable mental illness living up north, than in warm, tropical climates.

Its sunny in NYC today and was absolutely beautiful yesterday. It will be a wonderful 82 degrees by Wednesday, and I am so ready to carpe dium (seize the day)!

I think the sun fuels my mood. Really. I truly can't recall ever being sad in the summer. Last summer, I was doing GREAT even after being diagnosed in Feb 2006 and exiting the mother of all depressions and crappy relationships.

Hooray for the sun.

If you don't want yours, send it my way. I want to soak it all up.

Here's Sheryl with some amazing lyrics:
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

I'm gonna soak up the sun
Gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame

Yeeee-Hah!



Music is such a gift. I'm so thankful for people who share their music and how it inspires me.

So...

So, how is it going for me?

Well, pretty darn good.

I had another 19 emails come to my phone last night and only heard one chirp when I got up for me 3am pee! LMBO!!

Listen, I’m not saying that everyone should flush their meds down he toilet. However, I am saying that what I’m doing now, is working for me.

So what am I doing?

Well, I know it may keep changing, but here’s what I did this week:

Diet
Omega 3
B12
Lotsa fruit
Lotsa water with lemon
No candy
Prunes and peanut butter

Exercise
Walking to/from the train (maybe 5 blocks total)

Meds
None

To Sleep
20 minutes of meditation
20 minutes of positive thinking
Lavender oil on the pillow and eye pillow
Lavender in the oil burner
Meditation Music as I sleep
Prayer

Reading
My Bible
The Secret
Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About
Heal Your Life

Listen
Gospel
The Secret
Joel Olsteen
Meditation Music

I’m not holier than thou, just sharing what works for me.

So grateful for a clear mind.

Colorgenics is Bananas!

Here's what it said about me. The bold parts are VERY true.

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

The way things are at this time is causing you considerable stress and anxiety. Your friends and acquaintances consider you to be - to say the least - difficult and unapproachable. Now it is because of this that you need to find some sort of solution. By doing nothing and waiting for matters to right themselves will only make things worse, but don't rush into making hasty decisions - make haste slowly.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.

Thankful for self -reflection.

Rosie Is Right

Today on the view, Rosie O'Donnell said one of the major issue with people struggling with any disease is that in their recovery, all they focus on is the disease.

They were talking about anorexia, but it applies to being bipolar as well.

We are whole people; not flawed or less than because of what we have. I think she articulated what my sister has been telling me and what I've been struggling to bring to fruition in mya life.

I am not bipolar. I am butterfly FIRST. I just happen to be bipolar, like I just happen to have asthma or brown eyes.

I want to focus on the other wonderful aspects of my life and what makes me special instead of filtering everything through the bipolar lens.

Thankful for a clear mind to embrace bits of wisdom and change.

I'm Sleeping!

So, I've been off meds, right.

One of the reasons I went on them is that I wasn't sleeping AT ALL!

Well, I've been leaving my Treo on at night because all emails come to my phone, and I can gauge if I've been sleeping by if I hear those email chirps.


Well, I had 19 by 3am, and I heard not even ONE!

Yahoo for me!

Anyway, this is my hour long sleep ritual:

1. Shower with lavender oil.
2. Lavender oil on my pillw and in the oil burner.
3. Meditation music playing.
4. Lavender oil on my purple eye pillow.
5. 10 minutes of meditation.
6. 10 minutes of reading my bible.
7. Counting backwards from 100.

The list goes on, but I rather do this than pop another damn pill!

Thankful for being able to sleep!

Hi

Nausea is subsiding, and I'm feeling a bit better. One of the great things is that my brain feels fine. I can focus at work, and I am witty and smart and charming and positive and, oh behave!

But I'm feeling great!

March and April were so angry, so I want may to be more of me, the happy me because truly, that me ROCKS!

I'm gonna end each post this month with something I'm thankful for; no matter how b*tchy the post. So, because tody is the 2nd, I'll do two:

1. Thankful that I have a desire to do what works for me no matter how contraversial it may be.

2. Thankful that I have an owner who is understanding.

Ciao!

Happy May!

Here's to my blogger family. I love you all!


Thankful for my readers; even more grateful for the feedback.

You're Too Negative!

I asked someone to leave my office yesterday.

I told them they were too negative and affecting my aura and mood.

They thought I was being mean, and for a brief second, I cared, but then I stopped.

Who the hell wants to hear whining and negativity with each interaction?

Now that I am off meds, I need to be aware of all the negativity around me. I must be pro -me and do everything to ensure that I no longer need meds.

So, world, if I hurt your feelings by telling you to go away or be quiet, or if I don't return your calls or close my office door, it's because I'm protecting me and you are such a detriment to my emotional and mental stability and success.

Can't be near any muthaf*ckin killjoys!

Get a f*ckin grip! I'm doing my work, do yours!