Suicide Education Training

Yup, I'm doing it.

I found a certification program online, and I'm going to take it. Of course it would be a tremendous benefit to me. I would learn more about how I could help myself, but also about how I could help others, and help others help me.

I am also going to do the crisis counseling training. I think I would volunteer once a month on the hotline. Hell, who's better than me to talk to a person that wants to commit suicide, almost got raped, dealing with bipolar disorder or is very depressed.

What am I going to do with all the training?

I'm going to start talking to whomever an wherever I can book myself.  Maybe one day I went stand behind "thebipolarchick",  and will reveal who I really am.  All I can say, is that I do not look like how the world envisions people with bipolar disorder.

Stay tuned.

Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 2

When I was younger I had an insanely detailed approach to dating and whether someone was "fit" to date. I actually maintained a list on yellow legal paper that I followed. (I actually still have the list, but I'll need to look for it. When I find it, I'll scan.)

Anyhoo, I followed those guidelines well into college which is probably why I think I kept relationships at bay and was able to build a pretty impressive career.

When I abandoned those guidelines, I walked smackdab into chaos.
Why? Because success has patterns.
Why? Because success leaves clues for reciprocation.
Why? Because you should stick with what works.

So if my insanely detailed list worked so well why did I stop using it?

Well, my hindsight explanation is that I assumed that defective substance was equal to defective form.

Huh, Butterfly what does that mean?

See, in my junior year of college, I started dating I guy who I thought was great. We had the perfect "Sweet Valley High" relationship:

"Intelligent, Athletic, Exotic Beauty
Dates
Handsome, Intelligent Older Jock."
In retrospect, I don't think I ever learned that my relationships could end; after all, I followed the list.

How could it end when it was so "good"?

So when it DID end, I subconsciously attributed the end of the relationship (the substance)to my faulty list (the form). I subsequently shifted to the world's approach to relationships and the result was several years of shit.

So then what?

From 2006-2007, I walked away from two relationships that people thought were "great", but I knew there was better, and I wanted better. I was tired of settling to simply "be" in a relationship. I returned to basics, and by doing so, I was led to my wonderful husband.(More on hubby later.)

So, back to reciprocating success. When I returned to my core values with relationships, I got what I wanted. So now I must return to my core values about my skin, body and God.

What was I doing THEN that was so special?

See Part 3

Ebb, Flow, Calm

I totally understand the ebb and flow of life. I guess what I am having trouble with is its timeliness and the duration.

When I think about it, the first 24 years (I'd even extend to 26 years) of my life were pretty great.

I was homeless at one point, I slept at my job, I moved a gazillion times, but all in all I was happy. Why?

It's often said that success and happiness leave clues on how to reciprocate them.

What was so special about my life prior to age 26 that isn't present now?

Well, first things that come to mind are my body and skin, and my relationship with God.

So do I now throw them in the "they change with age just accept it" category or do I rediscover the behaviors and attitudes that brought about the body and skin I was proud of THEN and incorporate them into my life NOW?

Isn't it interesting that when I was 26 I had a 1 bedroom apartment with an ass of a bf and no car, and was happy. Now with a husband a 3 bedroom home and Mercedes I'm sad?

Well that would be to presuppose that my discontent is related only to relationships and material things. Quite the contrary. My discontent is totally about me, and that's why I look to none but me to fix it.

So then we introduce diagnoses like OCD, bipolar and eating disorders. How do they factor into the mix?

In reality, their contribution to my frustrations are not that extensive. Imho. But more on that later. Also, more on God as well.

See Part 2

Just a Reminder

The PBS special on Depression airs tonight.

You can read more on NAMI's website. Check your local listings

It's Gonna Be Genius!

I'm working on a ultra blog entitled "Theory of Relativity"; not like Albert Einstein.

(I tried researching his theory, and it sounds like gobbley gook. What the heck does it mean?)

Nopie, mine will go down in history be about interpersonal relations, and of course life as I see it.

The basic premise is that human understanding is relative to experience.

Want an example?

Ok, here's two:

* $1000 in the bank to some is GREAT, to others, it's reason for dread.

* Bipolar disorder is something to "shake" to some, for others it's life lived on a roller coaster.

Trust me, it's gonna be good :-)

What prompted it?

Well, the bipolar example came about after a conversation with my older sister last Sunday. She said that my brother's problems are rooted in his "lack of ambition and weed smoking."

When I tried to get her to understand that he has a REAL mental illness, she couldn't get it. I tried to use my experiences to help her get it, and her reply was as clueless and nonchalant as "Let them eat cake."

I love my sister, but much of her conversation was had with the bed (I put the phone down). Mental illness is not her reality. Her understanding of mental illness is relative to what she has seen and experienced.

Still, when I was in college, I had a girl tell me: "You're perfect. You'll never have anything to complain about? You're pretty, you're dating the star of the football team, you're thin, smart, you're perfect."

Isn't it ironic, that her words came during the time that I was in university mandated therapy?

I'm not gonna account the "pretty girl" blues. Rather, I want to ensure that I am more aware of how my reality is not THE reality. Still, there cannot be an absolute reality because everything is always relative to individual experience.

Oh, here's some good examples:

* A person who has always had the dream of a storybook wedding, can never understand people who elope;

* A person who needs to have a significant other can never understand people like Oprah who has a man, but chooses not to marry.

* Still, a woman who pines for a baby, can never understand those who chose not to have children.

I am so excited about writing that piece.

Anyway, I shut my cable off today, so Ill be writing A LOT!

Gratitude Moment: Thankful for moments of genius :-) in an at times cloudy brain.

Moldy Mood

"People living in a moldy home may be more likely to suffer from depression... of 5,882 adults... those who lived in damp, moldy homes were more likely to report symptoms of depression, including sleep disturbances and lowered appetite or self-esteem."

Did you know about the link between mold and depression?

On a whim we had our carpets, air ducts, and furnace cleaned and sanitized this week. When we opened our furnace, it was covered in mold and mildew!

We've been breathing in cooties! Depression and insomnia -filled cooties!

I wanted to claw my skin off when I saw it!

"Clean it, Clean it, Make it go away! Butterfly No Likey!

My home had been invaded and I was itchy. I instantly wanted to bathe and scrub... hard! But they took care of it , and lemme tell ya, the difference in air quality before and after was AMAZING!

I won't lie: I paid attention to everything I did since the cleaning. Just checking to see if I "felt" different, you know.

What I did feel was clean. The house smells clean, and I feel like there less invisible cooties floating in the air. Read More Here.

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful for the junk advertisements that come to the house and offer discounted services on duct cleaning so I could be cootie-free.

Say What?

"You can't be alone if you like the person you're alone with."

Not sure where I heard it or read it, but I felt like it should resonate with me deep in my gut somewhere.

Hmmm. Ok, Butterfly, let's read it again: "You can't be alone if you like the person you're alone with."

If I liked me, I wouldn't feel alone when I AM alone?

Naw, I don't agree with that. Maybe it should be: "if I like me I won't feel lonely even when I am alone."

Does that make sense to you?

As I understand it, alone is when no other person is present; like in a forest or in a bathroom stall. Then lonely is the feeling that no one is interested in being present with you.

Alone is the state of being and lonely is the feeling about your being?

Gosh, I though this would be a light post. I guess not. On that note....

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful for my 10th grad English teacher that got me interested in words and their meanings.

May is Mental Health Month

I know that there are NAMI Walks happening around the country.

I want to participate in one -either in MD or NYC.

Not sure how I'm gonna raise awareness, but trust me, I'm gonna find a way.

P.S. I've been thinking about "outing myself" on this blog. I said THINKING.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I am growing less ashamed of my illness each day.

Off With Her Head!

DISCLAIMER: I liked the title, so this is not about me wanting to literally take off someone's head; as in murder.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way....

A Maryland Judge messed with the wrong chick yesterday and I'm gonna git-er!

I was having SEVERE anxiety yesterday. I think I had the worst panic attack since February of 07!

But I had to go to court.

In the morning, I threw up and was on the toilet more times than I could count (not for ED purposes). I had cold sweats and was literally shaking.

When I get really anxious, I faint. I've fainted in gyms, on trains, at parties - it's embarassing. It's almost like my body shuts down because it's too much stress. So, I wrote the judge a note explaining my disorder and symptoms and asked for a closed court room. Who hell wants to faint in court? I was just asking for some special consideration, no a to dothe proceedings from my bed in a pink cashmere robe!

Her reply: Suck it up!

Ok, so that was her NONVERBAL reply. She really said that it didn't constitute a situation that she thought warranted a closed court room and proceeded to BERATE ME in front of everyone for wanting special attention!

Well, when I had to state my name, I couldn't. I was stuttering so badly and had to run out of the room to throw up. As I am running out she's yelling: "Butterfly, you are not exempt from these proceedings!"

SHUT UP YOU BEARDED FAT FUCK! (That's what I said in my head.) ANd then I followed it with I should have thrown up on the damn floor. TAKE THAT!

She created the VERY conditions I said would be to my detriment and didn't care. The more I stuttered, the more she asked questions - in rapid succession!

Bearded Bitch!

Ok, so I won't be able to have her removed from the bench, but she will have something in her file stating that her court room in not compassionate to people with mental illness.

On a more positive note, once court was adjourned, I exited the courtroom in tears of relief. An attorney walked up to me, said he hated the way I was treated, and said, "let me help you."

I meet with him today.

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful that some people recognize mental illness as something not worthy of ridicule.

PBS documentary, DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows

Last Wednesday I attended a screening of the PBS documentary, DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows. (Yup, I got out of the house.)

30 minutes of the 90 minute film was screened, and then followed by a discussion. Of the real life people featured, I especially remember the story of a gang member in New Jersey and what depresion lead him to do. Riviting :-)

With the exception of a small part of it that spoke about the benefits of Electric Shock Treatment, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

There were 3 panel members that had experienced Depression, and a host of p-docs and t-docs in attendance. As I suspected, the docs all came to showboat about their practices, books and radio programs, but none of them new shit were directly affected by ANY mental illness.

And so ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I came out of the closet.

Yup, to 100+ people, I told my story of having bipolar disorder, my struggles, fears and life as I knew it.

I took the p-docs to task for working with big business and pushing meds to get a payoff at the expense of serious consequences. I berated them for being quick to prescribe without disclosing details of withdrawal, side effects, etc.

I also took them to task for not working hard enough with insurance companies to cover more than 20 annual visits.

To the media in attendance, I scolded the industry for their role in demonizing people with mental health issues. It wasn't a rant, and it felt GOOD!

Yup, I see it in my future: Butterfly the Mental Health Advocate/ Activist Philanthropist.
It's coming, I can feel it.

Please, put it in your Outlook, Blackberries and Treo's NOW, or simply write it in your planner :-)

You can read more on NAMI's website. It airs nationwide May 21, 2008. Check your local listings (I've always wanted to write and say that. :-) I'll say it again: Check Your Local Listings.)

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that hubby has been doing really well with his depression lately.

Some Back Story

Ok, I know you're wondering what the heck prompted the last post.

Well, my parents and the majority of my family didnt't know that I got married, and now that they do, they launched a sh*t storm or negativity.

My mother said I'm "cursed and disgusting", "I was raised better", and "how could I."

My father said "how could I stoop so low as to marry for money."

Yup, the last 48 hours has been interesting.

So Butterfly, what did you learn from the hail storm o' crap?

I'm so glad you asked. :-)

Well, if you are being your most authentic self, and people react with anger, venom, etc, one of 2 things are happening:

1. They are lashing out at YOU because THEY would never have the courage to make the decision you did; especially if it goes against the grain.

2. They're actually mourning their expectations for you that will not (or they fear will not) come to fruition.

Oh, yeah. I am so having an aha moment.

The secret is out and I feel so free. I also feel so much closer to being ME, not who my family wants me to be, not who society says I should be, but ME. And guess what? On any given day, my concept of ME may change, and that's ok.

Why?

Because I say so!

Hooray for me!

Gratitude Moment: So glad that with each passing day, I care MORE about me and less about opinions, expectations, and perception.

I Punish Myself Part 3

Hubby raised an amazing point today.

He asked what role me receiving spankings as a child plays in me punishing myself as an adult.

Yeah, my husband is quite the thinker.

You know what, I think he's on to something.

Why do parents spank? To teach a child right/ wrong, appropriate/ inappropriate behavior.

Why do I punish? To teach myself right/ wrong, appropriate/ inappropriate behavior.

But in the same way that I'm not learning from my punishment, did I learn as a child or did I simply alter my behavior to prevent future punishments?

Ok, this is heavy stuff.

Am I over thinking?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Gratitude Moment: Loving that each day brings a deeper understanding of me.

I Punish Myself Part 2

My hubby is the most perfect man for me. He understands me and knows me like none other. It blows my mind how intuitive, perceptive, and wise he is. He also has this amazing ability to get to "what's really going on" with me.

Ok, so here's what he told me today, it blew my mind:

"Baby, your way of handling the stress associated with inactivity, procrastination and mistakes is to punish yourself. You punish yourself, thinking that you will learn from your error, but you don't. You're not learning because you keep doing what you don't want to do. You make yourself feel better by punishing yourself. You need to start replacing your punishment with a proactive step toward getting you back on the right track."
MOVE OVER DR. PHIL!

How awesome is he!?!?!?

He's right.

Punishing myself makes me feel better in the moment, but it ultimately makes me feel worse about it because I'm not modifying behavior.

For example, I was supposed to send a fax to our phone company last Wednesday. When hubby reminded my about it, I felt bad (I should have remembered. I'm supposed to be perfect, remember.) So to teach myself a lesson, the plan was to go without food. Hubby caught me right as I was thinking the thought, and helped me replace it.

Instead of punishing myself by going without food, we would right the letter together. :-)

Hubby also is helping me to reprogram all the negative voices in my head.

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful that God gave me the most perfect man for ME.

I Punish Myself Part 1

I have a HUGE issue with punishing myself.

It affects every part of my life and manifests everywhere.

Some back story:

I am bipolar 2.

I also have what's called an eating disorder not otherwise classified. That means that I am not classified as anorexic or bulimic, despite having attributes of both. I see myself as fat, although I'm not (anorexic) and I binge and purge (bulimic). Where the unclassified part comes in is that my eating disorder isn't fueled entirely by a desire to be skinny, but by my OCD and obsession with being clean.

Yup, I have an extreme obsession with keeping my insides clean and cootie-free, so I take laxatives.

Ok, how does this tie into the title?

Well, when I'm stressed or frustrated, I eat junk and then feel like crap. So, because I feel like crap and knew that I shouldn't have binged, I punish myself with laxatives.

That's just the beginning.

I have many books to read. I've stopped buying them, but I feel bad for not reading so I punish myself by wanting to shut off the cable.

I didn't drink as much water as I wanted to, so I throw away the juice mix.

I spent a lot money on spas, colonics and acne treatments, and then I binge, so to punish myself for wasting money, and not appreciating the money spent, I place myself on a crash diet and extreme skin care regimens.

If I let the house get to messy, it means that I don't appreciate our home and then I must sleep on the floor (hubby HATES this).

If I miss a deadline, forget to do something, make a mistake, take a wrong turn, anything...I punish myself to teach me a lesson.

After all, when you're punished, you're supposed to learn, right?

Introducing my amazing husband.

Grattitude Moment: So grateful for my husband's wisdom.

See I Punish Myself Part 2

Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum

I hate the name. What do you think?
Read More
Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I know that I am NO WHERE NEAR LAST YEAR!

Bipolar's Bad Wrap

***MALE SQUEAMY ALERT***
Sometimes it's the simple things that we forget.

Dreamwriter reminded me of the simple things with a comment on my "A Question" post:We are woman and we are hormonal ... sometimes it is not all bipolar, Ya know?

EUREKA!

It just so happens that my cycle is due! Last month when I got wacky, it was also a week before my cycle began. I'm no Sherlock, but I think the two are related.

I've been so preoccupied with finding OTHER root causes for physical issues, that I completely ignored that there could be OTHER root causes for my emotional issues.

(The concentration issues are still there, but we'll tackle these babies one at a time).

Not EVERYTHING is a result of bipolar disorder.

So simple, but damn, oh so deep.

Thanks Dream.

Anger Management

I need it ... badly!

I HATE than anyone can control me to the point that I blow up and want to bash their windshield with a baseball bat!

T-Doc said I needed to write and get this out, so I guess the blogosphere is elected to read it.

I saw the bitch today (aka my aunt). She's part of an ongoing case. I wanted to choke her with the car club. I wanted to spit in her face and punch her in the stomach. I ran to my car after our session in chambers because I wasn't confident that I would try to punch her in her breasts, kick her in the shins, rake my nails down her arms, or pull her wig off. I simply wanted to cause her pain.

There. I got it out.

I'm craving a lobster tail. I had one last night and it was so good.

Anyway, you know what I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND!?!?!?!
I HATE when someone asks how I feel and I reply with rage like above, and then the dumb f*cksbastards, reply with: "Well, what would that solve?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

How about you go away right now before you are on the receiving end of my wrath and then you get to SEE firsthand exactly how great I feel after!

Aaaaah!

Anyway, I need anger management. T-Doc is gonna help me.

I've Got You Pegged!

Ah-Ha!

You're a Time Waster!
A Run-on Conversation Hogger!
A Negaholic!
A Perpetual Victim!
A Kill Joy!
A Self-Absorbed User!
A Loser!
A Jerk!
A Materialistic Glob of Matter!
A Fake!
A Know-it-all!
A Cottenheadedninnymuggins!

Oh, Butterfly, such language!

Yes, but now that I've got 'em pegged, I can class and treat them accordingly.

Don't you see? It's all about being honest with myself, my likes/ dislikes, wants/ needs and limitations.

How do I find time to exercise each day?
Stay away time waster!

How do I have more time to talk to people I like?
Stay away from the Run-on Conversation Hogger!

How do I reduce my depression?
Stay away from the Perpetual Victim, Negaholic and Kill Joy!

Once I recognize the role someone plays or does not play in my peace and serenity, I am THE DUNGEON MASTER in control!

To be in control; what a great feeling!

Evolution Part 2 - Emotional

I finally "get" what it means to be a woman.

Can you believe that I'm 30 and I'm only now figuring it out?

I feel it, and know what it looks like, but most importantly, I feel like I finally have a road map on how to be a "woman".

I'd hear Oprah talk about being "your most authentic self", and I've always desired to be such a woman. I read books, took seminars, wrote in my journal and jumped on every bandwagon head for "self-improvement land".

I sought and sought, and by golly, I finally get it.

Womanhood is where I'm finally comfortable in my skin. It's when I accept and love myself flaws and all, and when I am happy with my life even if nothing ever changed.

It's when I can be honest with myself even if it means admitting failure, imperfections, fear or stubbornness. It's being honest with myself when it means making tough decisions and having tough conversations.

Womanhood is when I make good decisions. When I can look at my life honestly, and not only desire improvement, but take the steps necessary to achieve it.

Guess what?

I've long been afraid of sounding "stupid". You know, those cricket moments.

Well, sometimes my thoughts are extremely conservative or extremely liberal or supernatural. In fact, much of how I live my life is not based on fact or research, but entirely on how I hear God speak to me. (Yes, I know.) Well, for these reasons, I diminished my thoughts, dumbed down and silenced my voice.

NO MORE!

I have something to say (ACTUALLY, A LOT TO SAY), and I WILL say it! Even if people think my thoughts are the wackiest and craziest thing they've ever heard, no one will extinguish my voice ever again! No one will dismiss me!

I accept responsibility for what I say, and I am unapologetic for what you hear.

No more sugar coating. Truth is truth. There are rights and wrongs.

This is where I am.

I am a woman, not because I got married, but because for the first time, I am totally honest with myself. This new honesty starts with me, awareness of my limitations and extends to my marriage, friendships, career, etc.

I wanted to feel better about myself, and so I DID better. I have taken the steps necessary to be my best, most authentic self, and I place my happiness, comfort and peace-as well as that of my husband-above everyone.

What's my point?

I feel good, and am unapologetically a WOMAN!

(Photo Courtesy of Vision)

Evolution Part 1- Physical

Each day is an attempt at being better to me.

Who I am today is a reflection of all the work I've done in the last couple months; and I have been doing a lot of work.

As you know I've battled a mild eating disorder for quite some time. Well, I'm proud to say: "No throwing up since July!"

I did take laxatives last week, and although it was rooted in a desire to be healthy, I did overdue it by taking more than recommended. As a result, I had terrible stomach pains because of it, but hey, I'm evolving.

My weight- 128; down from 135. I want to get back down to my 118-125 range. But I'm comfortable with me right now and all my squishy parts.

My skin is the best its been in months! I would actually go without makeup right now, and wouldn't try to hide behind big hair, a hoodie or sunglasses.

I am very comfortable with me such that if my body never changed, I'd love it as it is.

Despite my personal successes, it amazes me how inconsiderate and insensitive people can be.

How do you tell someone "you gained weight", "your butt is growing", "what's wrong with your skin", or "why do you look like that"?

For example, I have weird shaped hips. Ok, they're not weird shaped, it's just that as I gain weight my body deposits fat on my hipbones that make them look weird to me.

Do you know that people have teased me about this? Yup, to my face when it is know that it is an issue for me.

I absolutely still have stuff to work on, but I also know that what makes people say mean things is THEIR stuff; insecurities, fears and flaws.

In light of my eating and bipolar disorder, I'm proof that people who "look" normal could really be dealing with a lot of stuff!

Well, y'all, I'm good with the physical me.