Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 3

So let's do a bullet list

Skin THEN
* Got more sun
* Drank more water
* Washed face nightly
* Got facials

Skin NOW
* I am in the house A LOT
* Drink maybe ~1/2 Gallon/ month
* Routinely sleep with makeup
* Last facial was February

Hmmmm.

Body THEN
* Drank lots of water
* Ate healthier
* Didn't eat as much or as late
* Worked out at least 3x/week

Body NOW
* Drink a case of soda/ week
* 3-4lbs of Swedish fish/ month
* What is a salad?
* I roll over at night to eat/ drink
* Workout?

God Then
* 1 hour daily devotion
* Fast once/ week
* Church every Sunday
* God in every aspect of life
* Like -minded friends

God NOW
* Devotion when I can
* Maybe 2 full hours/week
* Fast once/ month
* Church every Sunday (after long hiatus)
* God needs to be everywhere
* I'm strange to peers

Things to consider:
* Didn't have diagnosis
* Work required fit body

That's it. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't think of any other excuses. It's clear that I haven't been doing my part.

Butterfly, success leaves clues, man. Look at your life, it's there, it's all around. Redo what worked before, and Git R Done!

A return to basics will enable me to maintain clam during the inevitable ebb and flow of life.

Ebb, Flow, Calm

I totally understand the ebb and flow of life. I guess what I am having trouble with is its timeliness and the duration.

When I think about it, the first 24 years (I'd even extend to 26 years) of my life were pretty great.

I was homeless at one point, I slept at my job, I moved a gazillion times, but all in all I was happy. Why?

It's often said that success and happiness leave clues on how to reciprocate them.

What was so special about my life prior to age 26 that isn't present now?

Well, first things that come to mind are my body and skin, and my relationship with God.

So do I now throw them in the "they change with age just accept it" category or do I rediscover the behaviors and attitudes that brought about the body and skin I was proud of THEN and incorporate them into my life NOW?

Isn't it interesting that when I was 26 I had a 1 bedroom apartment with an ass of a bf and no car, and was happy. Now with a husband a 3 bedroom home and Mercedes I'm sad?

Well that would be to presuppose that my discontent is related only to relationships and material things. Quite the contrary. My discontent is totally about me, and that's why I look to none but me to fix it.

So then we introduce diagnoses like OCD, bipolar and eating disorders. How do they factor into the mix?

In reality, their contribution to my frustrations are not that extensive. Imho. But more on that later. Also, more on God as well.

See Part 2

Porcelin

I brought it on myself
Like covers on a thunderous night
I pulled this blight over my head
It felt good then
Comfortable
Safe and free

On the other side
By being comfortable I lost me.
And now I'm mad at the world
Disgusted with all I see
Numbing my pain with food
It tastes so good going down
Helps me to escape the right now
This fucked up menagerie
With not so exotic animals roaming free

But seeing it again feels so much better
Are you ready?
Ok, your turn
Pick a finger
Ha ha
But now I've gottn so much better
No assistance necessary from the pointer
Just a look in a mirror
Cuz I'm disgusted by the me I see

And away she goes
Throwing up the shame that no one knows
Flushing it down the drain
Bye bye to the hurt and pain
Bye bye to the guilt and shame
Did I really win this time?
Never to hurt again?
Nope, so break out the bread
The crab dip, the candy, and chips.
Feels so good going down
But who am I kidding.
I'll see you by the porcelin
Tonight middle finger is king

They're Not Gonna Kill Me

Remember my torn esophagus?

Well, it's stress related. I bet you couldn't see that coming.

Apparently, when I stress, I get acid reflux. The acid burns my already weak throat.

Huh, what? You didn't know I Was stressed?

Oh yes. That's why I am about to go in and QUIT!

I Wish....

...I could only eat once a week.

Well, that's not entirely true. Some days I wish I could ONLY eat for a living; Swedish fish to be exact. Oh, and red velvet cake, gummy anything.

Other days I wish that what I eat on Monday could last through the week.

I don't cook. It sucks (to me), and making something and that whole process of eating today was such a drag. With each laborious bite of mashed potatoes that I shoveled to my less than enthusiastic mouth, I wanted spit it out on the wall and make art. That actually was my thought.

Eating. It's so dumb. It would be easier to rather drink.

"No butterfly. Stop it"

You're right. There are people who can only eat via IV. Shame on me for whining about eating. At least I have food. At least I have money to buy food. At least I can consume food normally.

Damn. Ok, I get it.

Gratitude Moment: Tonight I'm thankful for the introspection that comes from blogging

I Punish Myself Part 1

I have a HUGE issue with punishing myself.

It affects every part of my life and manifests everywhere.

Some back story:

I am bipolar 2.

I also have what's called an eating disorder not otherwise classified. That means that I am not classified as anorexic or bulimic, despite having attributes of both. I see myself as fat, although I'm not (anorexic) and I binge and purge (bulimic). Where the unclassified part comes in is that my eating disorder isn't fueled entirely by a desire to be skinny, but by my OCD and obsession with being clean.

Yup, I have an extreme obsession with keeping my insides clean and cootie-free, so I take laxatives.

Ok, how does this tie into the title?

Well, when I'm stressed or frustrated, I eat junk and then feel like crap. So, because I feel like crap and knew that I shouldn't have binged, I punish myself with laxatives.

That's just the beginning.

I have many books to read. I've stopped buying them, but I feel bad for not reading so I punish myself by wanting to shut off the cable.

I didn't drink as much water as I wanted to, so I throw away the juice mix.

I spent a lot money on spas, colonics and acne treatments, and then I binge, so to punish myself for wasting money, and not appreciating the money spent, I place myself on a crash diet and extreme skin care regimens.

If I let the house get to messy, it means that I don't appreciate our home and then I must sleep on the floor (hubby HATES this).

If I miss a deadline, forget to do something, make a mistake, take a wrong turn, anything...I punish myself to teach me a lesson.

After all, when you're punished, you're supposed to learn, right?

Introducing my amazing husband.

Grattitude Moment: So grateful for my husband's wisdom.

See I Punish Myself Part 2

Where Am I?

My head is simultaneously racing and in a fog.

I type this on my blackberry while sitting in the car and looking at the house.

The house represents disorder for me right now; work to be done. There are things inside that need to be completed and there is food.

I'm having a tough time with the eating disorder thing. I try to convince myself that I have it under control, but I know I don't. Every chance I get I have a tape measure around my waste or I'm turning sideways to see how much of my stomach pokes out or walking to see if my thighs touch.

My skinny jeans are looser around the waist. I like that, but exercise wasn't the catalyst. It was really colonics, repeated sweats in the sauna and barely there eating.

T-doc told me to journal. Blogging kinda is.

Hubby is my other 1/2; better 1/2. How is it that he loves me thicker, yet I want to be smaller for him?

Butterfly, what are you doing?

I'm doing the lemonade diet aka master cleanse.

Why?

My skin isn't as clear as I want it. Toxins are what has me looking and feeling like this. Get rid of the toxins and I'll feel better, right? But I spend so much time purging, sweating, and watching what I eat that I'm not getting anything done.

I'm still in the car.

Hubby loves me as I am.
I need to love me as I am.

I know I'm not fat. With the exception of 2 inches, I'm almost back to work standards.

Then paranoia starts. I feel like some people are waiting for me to crack just so they can say "I told you so!" WHATEVER! I don't need to be on meds just because you are!

I don't like not having friends, but I like not listening to b*tchin a whole lot more than not having friends.

Then comes the law of attraction. To think negative is to get more of it.

Can’t do this right now.

I’m going in.

1:38am

I am still awake.

I think I'm gonna go to the gym.

What's my motivation?

Flat abs and looking as good as I did 1 year ago.

No saying it's right, just saying what's in my head.

Wrap Me Up

I forgot to tell you that while I was at the spa I also did a tight and tone body wrap.

You're guaranteed to lose 6-20 inches per wrap. Well yeah, you're gonna sweat, so much of it is water weight, I guess. But the herbs that the wraps are soaked in are supposed to help you melt protein around fat cells and liquefy them so you can pee them out later (or at least I think that's the way it should work.)

Anyhoo, I was wrapped in ace bandages. 2 per leg, hips, stomach 1 per arm and 1 per side of chest/ breast.

I lost about 7 inches total which sucked. I wanted to lose more, but I guess you can't lose fat you don't have. Oh well.

It felt good, but you know what I'm thinking?

Yup, I can buy my own ace bandages and mummify myself and go lay in a sauna! Like duh!

It was ok. Not at all theraputic. Ok, I won't purchase ace bandages because I know that it would be hella over-the-top on the eating disorder scale, so I'll fall back. (I don't believe me. You shouldn't either.)

Note to Self: I'm proud of you. Go walking in the morning.

Trading Places

I'm really trying. If there is one thing that has been consistent with me through my bipolar challenges is an earnest desire to improve not only my mood, but my life as a whole.

Lately I've noticed that I've been trading unhealthy outlets. For example, instead of overeating or under eating, I purchase "must read" books.

If I'm not purchasing books, then I've gotta buy something. There are so many things to buy! Have you noticed that? There's so much stuff everywhere!

Western society is so empty. We place so much emphasis on stuff. I so wanna scale down.

But I digress.

I am trying to be aware of when I might be trading one addiction for another. I am very self -aware. Maybe to the point of being what society calls narcissistic, but if I'm happy (and hubby is happy) I could care less about labels!

Easy vs Good

I've been really trying to focus on what is good rather than what is easy.

My eating habits suck. I go for the quick and easy food instead of what is healthy and good for me.

I first heard this easy vs good concept while watching Oprah, and have tried to apply it to every area of my life. It is tough, but I am trying.

With my alternative therapies, many of them don't taste good, feel good or reside within my comfort zone, but I'm trying. I just think that I'm better than taking the easy way out all the time.

Could I pop pills? Absolutely, but I haven't exhausted the alternative therapies at my disposal.

I do want to lose weight, but I want to do it in a way that is healthy. I could take some diet pills, but that doesn't contribute to my strength, endurance, stamina, etc. Still, the pills won't help my eating disorder issues. In fact, it may actually fuel them.

So, I'm gonna continue to do what is good, not necessarily what is easy, one day at a time.

Peekaboo...

Hi there.

As I type, my left tricep is on a package of frozen Cascadian Farm Organic Broccoli. I have another bag under my left hip.

Why?

I don't have an icepack.

See, I've been having lot's of body issues lately. So many that they have triggered some bippy episodes (more on those later). Well, hubby was concerned that my frustrations would launch me into full swing eating disorder mode. Didn't want him worrying, so I went to the gym and got a trainer.

My thoughts were that I have too much going on in my life to plan work outs (more on that later, too).

I saw the trainer on Tuesday. I was excited.

You know what, skip the nice-ities. I know me! I know my body. I've had it all my life. I don't give a flying fluffball if you've been training people fr 25 years! Damn!

I told him that many of the exercises were too much weight. But he was "trying to gauge my fitness level". After running track, working in gyms, etc, I know what I need to do. I simply chose the lazy way out because the disposable income was there.

It's my fault, I bought the "don't quit" bullsh*t and now I’m laying on broccoli. I can’t work, can't run errands because I'm too sore!

NOTE TO SELF: Trainer fired.

Evolution Part 1- Physical

Each day is an attempt at being better to me.

Who I am today is a reflection of all the work I've done in the last couple months; and I have been doing a lot of work.

As you know I've battled a mild eating disorder for quite some time. Well, I'm proud to say: "No throwing up since July!"

I did take laxatives last week, and although it was rooted in a desire to be healthy, I did overdue it by taking more than recommended. As a result, I had terrible stomach pains because of it, but hey, I'm evolving.

My weight- 128; down from 135. I want to get back down to my 118-125 range. But I'm comfortable with me right now and all my squishy parts.

My skin is the best its been in months! I would actually go without makeup right now, and wouldn't try to hide behind big hair, a hoodie or sunglasses.

I am very comfortable with me such that if my body never changed, I'd love it as it is.

Despite my personal successes, it amazes me how inconsiderate and insensitive people can be.

How do you tell someone "you gained weight", "your butt is growing", "what's wrong with your skin", or "why do you look like that"?

For example, I have weird shaped hips. Ok, they're not weird shaped, it's just that as I gain weight my body deposits fat on my hipbones that make them look weird to me.

Do you know that people have teased me about this? Yup, to my face when it is know that it is an issue for me.

I absolutely still have stuff to work on, but I also know that what makes people say mean things is THEIR stuff; insecurities, fears and flaws.

In light of my eating and bipolar disorder, I'm proof that people who "look" normal could really be dealing with a lot of stuff!

Well, y'all, I'm good with the physical me.

Oh Mr. Saaandmaaaan!

Yeah, the sleep ain't coming.

So, Butterfly is gonna be proactive.

Insomnia is a symptom of something; it's not the root cause.

EUREKA!

So, if I eliminate the root cause, then the insomnia will be gone?

You're kidding!

When I was younger and in college, I NEVER took sleeping pills, or any other medicine for that matter. I've always used natural methods to get relief, healing, etc.

So, guess what I did today?

I had a facial, body scrub and massage by a lady that's a nurse AND an esthetician. It was AMAZING!!!!

What made her so amazing is not only that she reiterate things I already new about sleep, skin care, nutrition and exercise, and promised to hold me accountable, but she also gave me a list of self -love rituals to post on ALL of my mirrors!

If I follow her tips, plus some of my own, I am sure to sleep!
How awesome is that!?

I'll write more about self-love in another post, ok. I didn't tell her about challenges I have with bipolar disorder, but her mentioning it made me realize how important it is for me to pay attention to ME; not only when I"m naic or depressed, but also to gauge my stressors, nutrition, hobbies and exercise.

So what am I gonna do?

"OPERATION BACK TO BASICS"

The Skinny on Marriage

So what does marriage mean for my modeling career?

Well, if I'm honest, I'll say that I love modeling, and the only reason why I stopped is that I became less accepting of my body.

That's where the ED comes in.

ED-Eating Disorder.

I'm doing a lot better. No throwing up in at least 4 months; no enemas either. My husband thinks I'm gorgeous, and that does wonders for my self-esteem. He also made me promise not to punish myself (more on that later).

Anyway, I started off in runway, went to commercial/ print modeling, and currently my body type is ideal for the Kim Kardashian, women's lingerie-type shoots, and I have done some in the past, but, I'm married and I don't want to do those anymore.

But I am gonna do some for my hubby.

Hmmm where was I going with this?

Oh, I am learning to accept myself, and instead of "you suck" being the motivator in my work outs, I want to be healthy and feel genuinely good about myself.

I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but I am also the happiest, too.

By Accident

Do you remember Krissy Taylor?

I do.

She was the sister of American "supermodel" Niki Taylor. She modeled quite a bit as well until she died.

I've always remembered her because she died around the time I was having A LOT of trouble with my asthma.

I used inhalers a lot that year, and recall purchasing a Primatene Mist. Reports state that she too had asthma. While experiencing congestion and shortness of breath she purchased and used a Primatene Mist inhaler.

Well, the epinephrine in the OTC inhaler caused a cardiac arrhythmia and she died.

Why am I thinking about this?

Well, who knew that an inhaler could have caused her death?

What other seemingly harmless things can cause death?

I've been taking a diruetic, fat burner and herbal laxative; all with the intent of cleansing, but of course to lose weight.

Could the combination be fatal?

It's weird how I won't take any bip meds but will swallow 10 horse pills a day if it'll make me skinny-er.

Can you tell that my prioroties are definitely in the right place?

I'm going to the doctor on Monday; need to know what affect these have on me; if any. I read up on these products prior to using them, but another check up can't hurt.

Whether bip meds or a Miracle burn, at least read up on whatever product you're gonna use.

To Order or NOT To Order

It's 12:35am.

I'm hungry, or am I?

I want to eat, but that's the issue. not hungry. I know that I'm not, but I've been having the ED thoughts and behavior lately.

Cookies, candies, soda. I roll over in the middle of the night to stuff my mouth with Swedish Fish. I fall asleep with them in there, and it's always a pleasant surprise when i realize that I didn't finish chewing. It's a late night sweet surprise.

I know it's not right; especially when I chase it with warm orange soda or apple juice.

No laxatives, but I look at them everyday; laxatives, diuretics, enemas.

It's weird because what stops me from using them is not the concept that I shouldn't, but that I'm not in the mood to swallow pills.

When I had the flu, I Was happy because I lost weight.

I"m not gonna order food.

Bad Days

Yeah.

This week was tough.

Had a tough chat with my father because he doesn't want me to fight with my aunt (too long of a story).

The conversation left me covered in hives, crying and throwing up. Yeah, mid-puke I recall my battered esophagus.

Can't have stress.

Then brother goes to the hospital.

I am so pruning the stress from my world. I'll be no good if I don't.

Munchfest

Was depressed today about the whole blow up thing.

So how did I make myself feel better?

* Stay in bed until 3pm with my eye pillow;

* Went to the store for:
- 2 Pack of Swedish Fish
- 1 Pack Pepperidge Farm Cookies
- 2 Laffy Taffy's
- 1 Pack of Gummie Savers
- 1 Liter of Orange Soda
- 1 20oz Cream Soda
- 1 Malta
- 1 Turkey, Cheese, Egg, Mayo Sandwich
- 1 Bottle of Applesauce

Topst Turvy World

Ate 2 bags of Swedish Fish, a row of Cameo Cookies, and 1/2 a 2 liter of Tropicana Orange Soda.

After all the shit I had this weekend, the plan was to take my psyilium husks pills. Not only am I overdue for a cleanse, but I have 2 shows this weekend, and it'll help my tummy to be flat if the shit is removed. LMBO!

Anyway, I fell asleep last night without washing my face or taking the pills.

So yes, I feel like shit emotionally, and my stomach hurts.

These are the things that piss me off about myself. I know better, but refuse to set in motion the patterns or routines or whatever the hell it is to make me do better consistently.

I'll eat till I'm sick and can't lay on my stomach, then make it better with poopy pills! How stupid is that?!!?

TMI ALERT ON
What scares me is that one day I might not be able to poo on my own. So I haven't done it as much as I did in the past.
TMI ALERT OFF

I have ZERO patterns or habits.

There is nothing that I consistently do everyday - not bathe, brush my teeth, comb my hair, check voicemail, pray, meditate, exercise, NOTHING!

How the hell do I develop some consistency in my world?

Here's what my perfect day would be like....is that the issue? That I'm looking for a perfect day?

Ok, here's what an ideal...well, isn't ideal and perfect the same thing?

Hell, here's what I want my day to look like:
6am - Awake to brush teeth, wash face, make tea
6:30 - Reading bible, prayer, meditation
7:30 - Out the door to the gym

I know that's only the beginning, but that part counts a lot; it sets the day in motion.