Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 2

When I was younger I had an insanely detailed approach to dating and whether someone was "fit" to date. I actually maintained a list on yellow legal paper that I followed. (I actually still have the list, but I'll need to look for it. When I find it, I'll scan.)

Anyhoo, I followed those guidelines well into college which is probably why I think I kept relationships at bay and was able to build a pretty impressive career.

When I abandoned those guidelines, I walked smackdab into chaos.
Why? Because success has patterns.
Why? Because success leaves clues for reciprocation.
Why? Because you should stick with what works.

So if my insanely detailed list worked so well why did I stop using it?

Well, my hindsight explanation is that I assumed that defective substance was equal to defective form.

Huh, Butterfly what does that mean?

See, in my junior year of college, I started dating I guy who I thought was great. We had the perfect "Sweet Valley High" relationship:

"Intelligent, Athletic, Exotic Beauty
Dates
Handsome, Intelligent Older Jock."
In retrospect, I don't think I ever learned that my relationships could end; after all, I followed the list.

How could it end when it was so "good"?

So when it DID end, I subconsciously attributed the end of the relationship (the substance)to my faulty list (the form). I subsequently shifted to the world's approach to relationships and the result was several years of shit.

So then what?

From 2006-2007, I walked away from two relationships that people thought were "great", but I knew there was better, and I wanted better. I was tired of settling to simply "be" in a relationship. I returned to basics, and by doing so, I was led to my wonderful husband.(More on hubby later.)

So, back to reciprocating success. When I returned to my core values with relationships, I got what I wanted. So now I must return to my core values about my skin, body and God.

What was I doing THEN that was so special?

See Part 3

Preserve Your Sexy

***POTENTIALLY CONTROVERSIAL ALERT***
Married men are still men. Men like women; good looking women.

When men cheat, they never go for Gilda the lunch lady or Janice the geriatric librarian. They go for Svetlana the Russian model, Renee the 23 year old English au pair, or Kelly their smokin hot executive assistant from Detroit.

What's my point?

Too many women stop being sexy as soon as they wed. They trade in stilettos for Keds, minis for mom jeans and contacts for glasses. They stop working out, stop wearing makeup and become the very definition of everything that turns their husbands OFF. Likewise, men fail to be emotionally available to their wives.

IMHO, there is a fundamental difference between the sexes:
Men marry women and hope that they NEVER change.
Women marry women and hope that they WILL change!
When men cheat once, it's usually all about the sexual chemistry. For chronic cheaters (with multiple women) it's about sex. It grows into an affair when he receives the validation of being a man that he isn't getting at home. A man may or may not have sex with a women with whom he develops and emotional connection.

Women (in my opinion) rarely cheat for sex. They usually do it because the person listened to them or made them feel sexy. It seems to starts emotional first.

Anyway, WAIT! I am not blaming Spitz-wife's appearance on the reason why he cheated. I'm not using appearance as an excuse for cheating at all. Cheating is unacceptable even if a man is whuppin your butt!

What am I saying?

Well, I think women/ wives should be HOT! First for themselves (it’ll make you feel great); but also for your husband. (The same applies to husbands. Be sexy and attentive to your wives.)

Will being sexy STOP men from cheating? Absolutely not. After all, Eric Benet cheated on Halle Berry and she is as gorgeous as it gets. (But he was a nympho.) A jerk is a jerk, but sexy breeds intimacy and intimacy is an integral part of a relationship; it’s glue. Without glue, the marriage will come undone.

IMHO, "sexy" is placed on the back burner in marriages. The intimacy that brought two people together will be the intimacy that keeps them together. Intimacy need not be ONLY sex, it could be communication. All too often, life clutters the view so that the decline in intimacy goes unnoticed.

“Be sexy” isn’t the end all be all, but it’s the complaint that I hear most often.

There's a lot that taints my viewpoint. Life has been different for me.

Stay Tuned: I Was the Other Woman.

Bipolar + Bipolar = What?

Have I mentioned that my husband-to-be is also bipolar?

Yup.

I think it's such a blessing.

Who else can understand a bipolar chick, but a bipolar ...baby rooster? LOL!

He was diagnosed when he was 15 and has been on many of the same medications that I have been on. He is also OCD, but so much more severe than I am. Writing ONE letter is usally done is about 15 takes.

It's all new for him because he never took his diagnosis seriously. His parents sent him to 3 different shrinks, had him briefly committed and gave him random drug tests as a teen, but he felt it was all related to their disapproving of him smoking weed.

I am the one that really got him to see that he's special...like me :-)

Thus far, God is really blessing us. When he is depressed, I am stable (or manic like I am now); and visa v.

I'm very happy, and happy with him. :-)

WOW!

Where on earth do I begin?!?!

I've been gone for a month, and what a month it has been!!

Most importantly, I am soooooo at peace.

WOW, not sure of where to begin.

Ok, so I am in Maryland, and have been getting AMAZING sleep. I am convinced that New York City adds loads of stress to my life that I was simply tired of enduring. Since moving to Maryland, I've been in bed as early as 6:30pm! That would NEVER happen in NYC.

I've been praying, longing for a break, and now I have just that. I'm not working, and most like won't return to work until '08. I get to sit on my bum for the most part, and adjust to owning a home vs living in an apartment.

Perhaps the most amazing part of this entire process is that .... you ready for this?

I'm getting married!

Yup, December 29th!

He is amazing. This guy is the real deal. I've kept him a secret because I didn't want his significance to be diluted by my failed experiences with the aforementioned.

Yeah, I'm happy. Really happy. Most importantly he completely supports EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I want to do.

I'm back, y'all, at peace and oh so happy!

Let's Stay Together Part 1

Periodically I browse the Internet for stuff on bipolar disorder.

These are a couple sites that I go to:
Suite 101
Psychology Today
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
SMART Recovery
BP MagazineEquilibrium - Th Bipolar Foundation
(I'll post them in the margin so you can always access them.)

Anyway, I stumbled across the page of Dr. Nassie Ghaemi who says that in his clinical practice, the divorce rate for people with bipolar disorder is 90%!

What!?

Ok, when the national average is 50%, 90 is pretty bad, but there were so many unanswered questions.

The main one for me is: which came first: marriage or diagnosis?

I've always been very utopic in my thinking of marriage; truly believing that love conquers all, and if true love was there from the start, the couple would find their way to happier times.

Maybe this only applies to my bubblegum world.

Despite seeing examples of why marriage sucks all around me, I've always felt that I was stronger and better as a "we" instead of a "dating me"; not in the low self-esteem way, but in the "I-hate-dating-and-want-to-be-with-one-dude" way.

I once had a 2 hour IM chat with my brother in-law about how he knew he wanted to get married. Like every other man I've ever polled, my brother-in-law responded with: "You just know."

Oh, thanks clearing that up for me! NOT

When I was in college I dated a football player (who is soooo trying to return to my life; but that's the next blog.) I just KNEW we'd be married when I was 24. First child at 26, second at 28.

Our wedding wouldn't be traditional. Instead we'd get married on a beach in my home town; bridesmaids in sun dressed and the groomsmen in wedding shirts.

I was already planning in my head, and then he threw a monkey wrench in MY plan with our break up.

Since then I've been waiting for the "you just know" feeling, but it's never been quite right.

Hmmm.

I'm not gonna focus on the doc's stat. Just gonna focus on being the best me for my he who is due to come along any day.

The best me means staying away from stress, being knowledgeable about bipolar disorder and how it affects me, and giving myself the best opportunity to succeed... LIKE MOVING TO MARYLAND!!!!!!

HOORAY!

Users

We'd be hard pressed to find someone who thinks "using a person" is a good thing.

We hear it all the time. "He used me, she used me. I'm devastated. How can I go on? Wah Wah Wah!"

Then u get the flip side who says "that no one can be used without their consent."

What's my point?

Well, using, no matter how you slice it, is wrong. Let's be honest, keeping someone around you primarily for your benefit is wrong.

If you have zero romantic interest in someone but keep them around for their financial, social, benefit to you, you're a user and you're wrong for it. Karma is gonna bite you in the butt.

What prompted this?

Well, I did a big girl thing today.

Remember The Italian?

Well, he's been lurking in the shadows. Has he been a support? Absolutely -emotionally and financially. However, guys always have a hope for more, and I new this each time I accepted his money and took his calls.

Well, today he called he went through the usual "I still love you" crap. This time I told him the truth. No I didn't say "I only keep you around for your money and to stroke my ego". I simply told him that the liklihood of us ever getting back together was slim to none.

THAT'S the truth. When I can speak the truth, that's when I'm absolutely FREE!

All I have in this life is me. I can't afford to lie to myself. Hey, I don't want anyone using me for money, affections, attention or companionship, so why do it?

Keeping the good karma channel clear, free and ready to receive.

The Italian Can Return There

LMBO!

He loves me, he wants to be with me, I'm his soulmate. Blah, Blah, Blah.

The only thing I respond to is action.

Dear Men of the World,
If you love me so much, drop your baggage and act like you do. If you can, don't or choose not to, then you can stay FAR away from me.
Laters

Somebody

If there's a somebody
for everybody,
Then when do they arrive?
Cuz this somebody wants a somebody
to take the wheel and drive.

After 30 years on driving
I want the back seat.
I want no traffic, no detours, no signals,
Please, just gimmie a a wink of sleep.

You won't steer forever,
Just until I feel better.

You in?

If there's a somebody
For everybody
Then when the heck do they arrive?

GEEZ!!!!

You're taking too long
I've got Expedia on the line.
So pick one:
Fly, train, bus or drive!

Are You Playing With Turds?

Someone once told me: "Stop trying to make a turd into a jelly donut.”

Translation:
If a situation is bad, leave it. Don’t try to make it into something it’s not.

I was playing with turds; jobs, people, situations.

Are you playing with turds?

Working on Consistency

Guess what?

This weekend I watched TV, zero exercise, had only one cup of water, zero lemonade and ate.

So, what have I learned?

Not only do I view friend's apartment as a vacation, a retreat, and a getaway, but I also lose all consistency when I'm there.

I'm up til 2am, I wake up around 9:30am, I eat candy, and crap.

Solution:
Recognize the importance of consistency and value the changes that I've made and why I made them.

I think I'll hang out tonight, so I'll have another chance.

Nope, not beating myself up about it; I'm simply going to start again. I'm grateful to start again, but the pressure of another blog was too much, so I've deleted Reclaiming Health.

Giving You an Out

I've been acting different lately. I know it.

I feel closer to February's roller coaster than I do to June's serenity.

I'm spacey, sad, easy to cry, easily annoyed. Yup, all February.

I askd someone if they had ever been around anyone that was bipolar. They said no. I didn't say much except that it can be tough.

He asked this morning if I was feeling February-ish. Told him yes. He asked if there was anything he could do (back to men wanting to fix things). Told him not at the moment. I think he expected me to "snap out of it"; or maybe that's in my head.

I don't want him to go away, but he should know that if it gets to be too much, he can walk away. Hell, there's people I want to walk away from right now.

Is the Universe Opening Up?

After my chat with the yogi yesterday I decided to order the NYC Modeling Agency Black Book.

My plan is to target my old agencies as well as some new ones, and then to begin modeling once again.

Well AS SOON AS THE ORDER WAS CONFIRMED, I receive and email from a photographer who says he's a friend of the numbnuts aka The Ass who brought a chick to my party last November.

Anyway this photographer has done several book covers, magazine ads, etc, etc. He current project is a book cover involving numbnuts. Numbnuts referred me as the girl to be on the cover with him.

The book will be available everywhere, and Walmart. Lol.

How awesome is that?!

And, yes, it is a paid assignment.

1. I received a "word" from the yogi.
2. I acted by ordering the book.
3. The universe responded by sending me work!

The Secret doesn't lie, y'all.

Anyhoo, lately numbnuts has been very friendly and has sent me LOTS of modeling jobs. I think its he penance.

Whatever.

Viva la Butterfly!

What Does Your Life Look Like…?

In 1 Month:
* Back on track with my spirituality;

* Making the most money of my (traditional)professional career;

* Apartment hunting for Oct 1 move in;

* Happy at work, happy with me

* Working out regularly;

* Drinking more water;

In 6 Months:
* I’ve found a church home;

* I’m saving money and steps toward total debt liquidation;

* I’m in my new apartment;

* I LOVE my job;

* My body is bangin’;

* My skin looks amazing;

In 1 Year:
* I’m active in a church and they value and appreciate my contribution;

* I’m sending my parents on vacation;

* My job adds more perks to my package;

* I’m shopping for a new car;

* I’ve filmed a TV pilot.

What does your life look like in 1 month? 6 Months? 1 Year?

Guess Who's Getting a Sibling?

Yup, I'm getting a brother and sister!

Not from my parents, silly. I might become a big brother and sister, so we're gonna go after he moves, and get paired up with a youngin!

Hooray!

I know what you're thinking: "Butterfly you don't like kids." You're right. But these kids need me, so I'll put my impatience aside for them.

Look who's growing: ME!

Where Do People Get Off?

Ok, so my older sister is married to a man with 3 brothers.

One of those brothers is my age -30.

I met this brother at my sister's wedding about 7 years ago. I'll admit, everyone pairing us together at the wedding was cute, and I loved the attention. We had a lot in common, but we kinda played into it by going jet skiing together, doing karaoke, etc.

After the wedding stuff, we stayed in touch and became pretty close. Then things went wrong.

I told him that I liked him in a "hey-we're-so-cool-maybe-we-should-explore-more" kinda way.

This sum-ma-ma-bitch, didn't even acknowledge what I said!

He just ignored me; ME!

The butterfly is NEVER ignored; and yes, I said it loud enough for him to hear.

He was on some "I-wanna-learn-Spanish" bullshit, and was trying to get closer to God, so I left him alone. He'd IM me in Spanish occasionally, but I kept the conversation superficial.

So three 3 weeks ago he calls me to tell me that he's at JFK- the New York airport.

AND, WHAT?

He said that he had alay over and needed a place to stay.

Word, son?

At the time of his call, I was headed to Keihls. I told "the brother" that I'd get back to him, but as it happened, my phone died, and guess what? No charger!

Yeah, I was still miffed at his slight years earlier, but it ain't my responsibility to house no dude who slighted me especially at the last mofo minute!

I guess he worked it out.

Last weekend he did the same thing AGAIN! Only he left a message. I didn't call him back.

What kinda arse doesn't plan a trip all the way through?

Traveling without proper accommodations isn't cute at 30; in fact it's down right asinine!

Today I got an email from him asking if I'm OK and that it seems like I'm pulling away from everyone. "I don't want to bother you, but just want to make sure you're OK."

WORD. Do you really care or do you want a muthafuckin place to stay yet AGAIN ?

Hell, I slept at one of my jobs for 6 months because my trifling aunt would put the safety latch on the door (accessible only from inside) to keep me out.

SUCK IT UP OR GO HOME!!!!

Hell, I'm not gonna have some 'nutha dude staying with me and I have a man! And no, you can't stay there without me!

Butterfly out!

What's With THAT Ring?

So speaking of engagement rings, what's with the friendship rings that I keep seeing?

I'm referring to the minute size of the engagement rings that I keep seeing.

Would I purchase a glitter -sized diamond for myself?

Hell NO!

So, why the hell would I permit someone to present me with a ring I can't see?

Again, this isn't life for everyone, but for the Butterfly, friendship rings will NEVER get you a "yes".

Well, its the thought that counts, right?

Really?

Well, how about thinking about me a little bit more, saving the 3 months pay and getting me something that doesn't scream "6th grade do-you-like-me-circle-yes-or-no"!

Do Women Date Their Daddy?

I've heard it said several times that women date men with attributes similar to their father. Do you find that to be true with you?

It is for me...repeatedly.

My Daddy:
- Funny
- Excellent Provider
- Spoiled me
- Explosive temper

90% of the Guys I've Dated
- Funny
- Excellent Provider
- Spoiled me
- Explosive temper

Let's focus on the last one - explosive temper.

EVERY guy I've ever dated had an explosive temper. I'm not talking "temper" the way every man gets mad and wants to break things. I'm talking about EXPLOSIVE!

3 of them are registered as weapons in NY state.
4 had court ordered anger management
1 has mandatory 6 months in jail with another infraction.

ALL except 1 has done martial arts for over 20 years.

Hmmm.

They've never been violent to me, ever. In fact they treat me with cotton gloves; but are explosive when pissed off.

I saw it with the Italian and saw it with the guy I'm dating last Saturday. Can't tell you what he did or you'd no longer be a fan, but trust that I am not afraid of him, in any danger, and he's already in anger management.

Hmmmm.

Truth is..

I've seen a return of the April anger.
Brain is scattered.
I'm paranoid.
I messed up twice at work.
I have a huge mess up on the horizon.

What's going on?

I feel tremendous pressure at work; it's kinda not fun any more.

I only want to be around people who make me laugh.

Real truth: I haven't been doing the work necessary to be well.

Why?

Too much going on at work, anger, annoyed, etc.

Out.

The X Factor

Since ex's have learned of the guy I'm dating, they're like dogs flocking a bitch in heat!

All of a sudden, they want to "hang out more".

[whine on] We don't hang out like we did. I miss my buddy, my home girl, my partner in crime." [whine off]

Who the hell still says "home girl"?

The Italian called me today and asked what the current beau did for a living, if he takes care of me, and get this, was he cuter.

LMBOAROTF! (that means, Laughing My Butt Off And Rolling On The Floor).

Dude, your questions are in appropriate. Back up off the Butterfly.

Oh, so thankful that I'm neither flattered nor moved by the X Factor.

Wigged Out!

I wear wigs a lot.

I hate fussing about my hair, and it's so easy to wear wigs; not grandmama wigs, but real hair wigs.

Anyway, I'm black (have I mentioned that?), Caribbean actually; the guy I'm dating is white.

He called me while I was shopping for hair on Sunday, and hell, why hide it. He'll know eventually. So I said: "I'm shopping for new hair."

To my utter surprise he replied: "okay, so are you going to to do the ponytail again? I like that. Or are you looking for something more straight or curly? Want me to meet you? None of this by the way, is a secret to me."

WOWZER!

Some guys trip about me wearing wigs.

"Wear your own hair. You're hair is long."

It's so not about hair length, it's about convenience.

This dude is so raking in the cool points by simply being cool with whatever I do to my hair.

So thankful that I no longer feel the need to alter myself to keep a relationship.