Walking & Chewing Gum

*****WARNING:*****
THE FOLLOWING POST WILL APPEAR HIGHLY SELFISH,
BUT IT IS NOT.

This week, a friend told me that "I'm not good at dealing with other people's issues".

From the way she sees it, I disappear when issues surface, aka, I have a high "ditch, run, bail" factor.

I've been told this before -several times - and it meant nothing to me then. Now, because I am striving to achieve (violins on) "peace and inner oneness" (violins off) (LMBO!), it still doesn't affect me. It simply means that two people can have totally different perspectives on the same situation.

It's true.

I don't think I bail.

I think I look out for ME first, and because I do, it's perceived as bailing and being selfish.

Some examples:

I had a bf who entered the police academy. It would be a 6 month stint. It appeared that I bailed because he wouldn't have enough time for me, but truth is, he wasn't gonna be my "the one". Should I have stayed with a cadet who was younger than I was, with A LOT of growing up to do, and who COULDN'T take care of me like I needed him to, just because I was his chick?

Another ex couldn't check his baby mama and she would call me and harass my world. Last January, I flipped and went to her house determined to run her over. (The above cop ex, showed up and stopped me).

Anyway, this ex also wasn't working as regularly at the time. When he did, he made amazing money. Now, was I supposed to hang around being "supportive", footing the bills, all while being harassed, just because I was his chick?

Italian got a divorce. Okay, hooray! But, should I hold his hand through this post divorce and finding himself blues just because I was there from the beginning?

OH HELL NO!

Butterfly must be taken care of. I need food, water, attention, affection and no stress. If a guy can't do that, then why the hell is he around me?

I have enough stress of my own than to take on more.

So what about chicks?

Hmmm.

Yeah, back to that chick issue. Sometimes I think I'm a boy; I'm simply not wired to be as emotional or bond-y as women.

Every "fall out" that I've ever had with a chick stemmed from me not calling, me wanting to be left alone, me not being "supportive" (there's that word, again.), or being as they say "callous".

Can I be? I guess so.

I know that I can be harsh and judgmental because I expect people to get "it". I get "it", and when I don't get "it", I take the time to read, research, experiment, and explore until I find "it". I expect people to do the same.

I'm wired to get to the solution, to flush the shit, NOT stare at it in the toilet.

Yeah, I bail on chicks, too.

One of my best friends in college had 2 kids, repeatedly dated men that were two lifeforms above amoebas, and was always crying and hurt.

Who wants to hear and deal with that shit?!?!

So I pulled away in the interest of self -preservation. I hated to see what she was doing with her life, and me being "supportive" wasn't helping. I wasn't her messenger, so I "bailed" physically. I was there via email, and occasional phone calls, but that was it. Should I have sacrificed my sanity because she thought she needed me? Should I have wasted my life away listening to the dumb shit she did over and over because she wanted me to?

Another friend. A serial downer. She loved that I was a model and wanted to be one, too. But it wasn't happening. Everything was always about her weight, is she pretty enough, she hates her stomach, she's afraid to go to the agencies, I'm, so ugly, blah, blah, blah.

Shit or get off the pot!

Make it happen or pick another muthaf*ckin career choice! DAMN!!!

Who the hell has time to listen to that shit?!?!?

I "bailed". Yup I did.

Why?

My sanity!

I know what I can handle, and consistently negative, whiny shit is way to much for me. Was I supposed to hold her hand through all of her self -berating tirades?

For what? What good would it do her besides give her an audience? What good would it do me besides kill brain cells and waste my muthaf*ckin time?

I also know that I can't walk and chew gum; meaning, I can't handle my own issues and handle someone else's. I know, I know, "we can handle them together".

I like to solve my own. I get bits of feedback and then retreat to reflect. I'm also very selective about issues I stick around for.

So what will I do when married?

Well, I'll be married. I would have made a commitment. Until there is a ROCK on the 4th finger from the right, left hand, I AIN'T LOYAL TO NOBODY!

Maybe it's my conditioning.

Maybe it's "middle-child-you-need-to-look-out-for-yourself" syndrome.

Maybe I've lived long enough to know that someone only has your back when they aren't going through shit themselves.

Maybe I have zero loyalty to anyone but myself (OK, maybe immediate family). But I think that's the way it should be. Shouldn't everyone depend solely on themselves, never relying on anyone for anything?

Huh, what?

Now, that I'm aware of how people view my behavior, I should try to alter it?

For what?

Am I not the most important person in my world?

I must protect myself. How can I be any good to me or to people who my need me if I don't know when to auto shut off?

If I am constantly running on "E", how can I be any good when I am able to help.

(Btw, the people above are all better because I "bailed".) I have an enabling personality, and until I get it corrected, right now the best thing for people, and what will inevitably make them stronger, is for me to "bail".

Oh, so grateful that I can be honest with myself. It's the foundation of growth.