tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36142745685686515232024-03-14T01:27:10.376-04:00A Chick With Bipolar Disorder<center>I'm Super-sensitive, Over-analytical, Hyper-Perfectionistic, Ultra -obsessive, <br>and a Whole Bunch of Other Hyphanated Words that make one amazing chick!</center>Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.comBlogger654125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-58680398393574660612014-02-09T18:38:00.001-05:002014-02-09T18:38:48.410-05:00Sleep, where are you?<p dir="ltr">I haven't been sleeping. Well, I have, but not the good, ooo weee, that feels so good sleep.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Seroquel stopped working at 100mg. I was switched to some new thing called Fanapt, but it's too new. I don't trust anything when a pdoc can give samples. To me, that means a pharmaceutical sales rep is pushing something new that hasn't been sufficiently tested. So, I'm not taking it.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I tried klonopin on Thursday night, and I passed out at work on Friday. If my cellphone didn't ring, I would probably still be sleeping at work. I hate that drugged feeling, so I didn't take it Friday night or Saturday night. Not sure what I'm going to do tonight.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I wanted to do the seroquel because of my involuntary frowning and incessant jaw clenching. I was waking up with a headache because if how I locked my jaws. I needed something different.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm looking at melatonin. It's an otc product. I'll keep you posted.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I need to sleep!</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-67497155810659751052014-02-08T18:57:00.001-05:002015-05-01T10:26:52.945-04:00Suicide Education Training<p dir="ltr">Yup, I'm doing it.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I found a certification program online, and I'm going to take it. Of course it would be a tremendous benefit to me. I would learn more about how I could help myself, but also about how I could help others, and help others help me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I am also going to do the crisis counseling training. I think I would volunteer once a month on the hotline. Hell, who's better than me to talk to a person that wants to commit suicide, almost got raped, dealing with bipolar disorder or is very depressed.</p>
<p dir="ltr">What am I going to do with all the training?</p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm going to start talking to whomever an wherever I can book myself. Maybe one day I went stand behind "thebipolarchick", and will reveal who I really am. All I can say, is that I do not look like how the world envisions people with bipolar disorder.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Stay tuned.</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-59622974650349992602014-02-04T22:59:00.001-05:002014-02-04T22:59:10.287-05:00Wrist Strength<p dir="ltr">I'm suicidal. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Well, how suicidal can I be if I'm blogging, right?</p>
<p dir="ltr">I feel like shit. I've been feeling this way since about noon today. Been in a pissy mood caused by nothing and everything.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So I've been thinking about my wrist strength. People get tattoos on their wrists, so how bad and the pain of slitting a wrist really be?</p>
<p dir="ltr">I didn't do it. I haven't done it. Maybe writing about it is helping.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Maybe.</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-89726713212552403982014-02-04T19:50:00.001-05:002014-02-06T08:17:55.056-05:00Pissed<p dir="ltr">Today's Aha moment: </p>
<p dir="ltr">In my quest for connection, I've shared my life and my story with people who not only didnt earn the right to hear it, they did not share with me in measure. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I loved people more than I loved myself.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm not depressed, just pissed about it.</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-44650879017119677562014-02-01T17:44:00.001-05:002014-02-01T17:44:23.788-05:00Foggishness<p dir="ltr">Foggishness.</p>
<p dir="ltr">That's ny word for sleeping until 4pm, waking up, and then wanting to go back to sleep.  Add not feeling like you know if you're coming or going, and there you have it. Foggishness.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Damn, I miss mania. Mania at least makes me feel good. This other side sucks. I wasn't going to eat today. Why? Why not? Why did any of the things that pop in my head to do.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Right now I'm sitting in pizza hut getting enough food to ensure that I won't need to leave the house again this weekend. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Foggishness.</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-60640047622295353592014-02-01T11:25:00.001-05:002014-02-01T11:27:27.922-05:00Damn it!<p dir="ltr">Yes, damn it.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm down again. I knew it was likely to happen, but I hoped that it wouldn't... this time.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Earlier in the week I was upbeat, functioning on all cylinders, excited, executing, revving to go, do be. Today, I lay on the couch, covered in a blanket with no desire to move, speak or eat. </p>
<p dir="ltr">There's few in my life who can understand my today. Many think they know, but have no idea. There is no "just get up" when I'm in the down world. There is no "shake it off". </p>
<p dir="ltr">Sleep doesn't mean rest to an overactive mind. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Longing for another manic cycle.</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-39858089323234006702014-01-31T01:26:00.001-05:002014-01-31T01:26:03.785-05:00Convenient Awareness<p dir="ltr">Another popular person aka celebrity committed suicide today. Apparently he had been depressed. Oooo... shocker.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The media, the masses are only concerned with depression when someone popular takes their life, or in the extreme instance of a mass killing.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This story will be gone from the news in 3....2....oh, what did the Kardashian do?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Exactly.</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-10521954027775951742014-01-28T00:08:00.001-05:002014-01-28T00:08:01.084-05:00Yeehah!!!<p dir="ltr">Yeehah!</p>
<p dir="ltr">That's how I'm feeling today. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Am I manic?</p>
<p dir="ltr">I want to say no, but I've got crazy energy and have had an awesomely productive day.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I feel good. I did self-esteem boosting things, and I feel good.</p>
<p dir="ltr">That's all I've got for tonight.</p>
<p dir="ltr">You're not alone.</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-15997865650844964212014-01-26T20:16:00.001-05:002014-01-29T22:31:31.288-05:00Up, down<p dir="ltr">Yup. That's how I feel today. <br>
Up.<br>
Down.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I love the up because I clean. I do laundry. I <u>fo</u>ld clothes. I file. I'm productive.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The down.... well, the down, sucks.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Rapid cycling. <br>
Mixed states.<br>
That's where I am, and it's exhausting to be up..and then down do many times in one day.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So I'm back to remind you that you're not alone. You're not weird, and you're definitely not crazy. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Have I mentioned that I hate that word?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Crazy. Hmmm.</p>
<p dir="ltr">You may feel like it. I may feel like it, but we are so much more than our feelings.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Going to watch the Grammy's. I may be back.</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-53353299286183694382014-01-25T21:21:00.001-05:002015-05-01T10:29:16.835-04:00I'm Back<p dir="ltr">It's been... almost 6 years without a post, and now I'm back.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Ashamed? Yes.<br>
Angry? Yes.<br>
Disappointed? Yes.</p>
<p dir="ltr">How did I return to 2006?</p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm on Lexapro and seroquel again, with lamotrigene thrown into the cocktail.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Panic attacks started this new chapter. They started in April, and got progressively worse until I knew that I had no choice. It was medicine or I'd lose my job.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Ironically, in the course of trying to be normal and keep my job, I lost my relationship(s)...two of them.</p>
<p dir="ltr">That's all for now.<br>
I'll reconnect with you all soon. </p>
<p dir="ltr">In the interim, I'm back and pissed.</p>
Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-14545563283749570762008-09-01T20:24:00.001-04:002008-09-01T20:25:42.606-04:00Having troubleHi guys. I'm having a lot of trouble right now.<br /><br />I can't trust my mind, I'm questioning whether I really know right from wrong, and I'm struggling with being a half way decent wife to a great husband.<br /><br />All that while still trying to work and not reduce my life to utter muck.<br /><br />Be patient with me.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-4408977182753273592008-08-21T23:04:00.002-04:002008-08-21T23:05:22.954-04:00My Personal DNA 2<center><script src="http://personaldna.com/h/?k=cgXZQuMtDwgCVLf-GM-ADCDD-67e7&t=Advocating+Inventor"> <br /></script></center><br /><strong>I am an Inventor</strong><br />Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR. <br /> <br />You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done. <br /> <br />The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be. <br /> <br />Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work. <br /> <br />Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps. <br /> <br />Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects. <br /> <br />It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine. <br /> <br />Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics. <br /> <br />You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you. <br /> <br />You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well. <br /> <br />You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute. <br /> <br />You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time. <br /> <br />Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-80837885002731309222008-08-21T23:00:00.006-04:002008-08-21T23:06:10.629-04:00My Personal DNAThank you to <a href="http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/">BPD in OKC</a> for this!<br /><br /><center><script src="http://personaldna.com/h/?k=cgXZQuMtDwgCVLf-GM-ADCDD-67e7&t=Advocating+Inventor"> <br /></script></center><br /><strong>I am Advocating</strong><br />Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING. <br /> <br />Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people. <br /> <br />One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others. <br /> <br />You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them. <br /> <br />You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily. <br /> <br />Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others. <br /> <br />Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives. <br /> <br />As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-87063310778659226892008-08-21T22:22:00.006-04:002008-08-21T22:38:27.331-04:00Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 3So let's do a bullet list<br /><br /><strong>Skin<u> THEN</u></strong><br />* Got more sun<br />* Drank more water<br />* Washed face nightly<br />* Got facials<br /><br /><strong>Skin<u> NOW</u></strong><br />* I am in the house A LOT<br />* Drink maybe ~1/2 Gallon/ month<br />* Routinely sleep with makeup<br />* Last facial was February<br /><br />Hmmmm.<br /><br /><strong>Body<u> THEN</u></strong><br />* Drank lots of water<br />* Ate healthier<br />* Didn't eat as much or as late<br />* Worked out at least 3x/week<br /><br /><strong>Body<u> NOW</u></strong><br />* Drink a case of soda/ week<br />* 3-4lbs of Swedish fish/ month<br />* What is a salad?<br />* I roll over at night to eat/ drink<br />* Workout?<br /><br /><strong>God<u> Then</u></strong><br />* 1 hour daily devotion<br />* Fast once/ week<br />* Church every Sunday<br />* God in every aspect of life<br />* Like -minded friends <br /><br /><strong>God<u> NOW</u></strong><br />* Devotion when I can<br />* Maybe 2 full hours/week<br />* Fast once/ month<br />* Church every Sunday (after long hiatus)<br />* God needs to be everywhere<br />* I'm strange to peers<br /><br /><strong>Things to consider:</strong><br />* Didn't have diagnosis<br />* Work required fit body<br /><br />That's it. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't think of any other excuses. It's clear that I haven't been doing my part.<br /><br /><em>Butterfly, success leaves clues, man. Look at your life, it's there, it's all around. Redo what worked before, and Git R Done!</em><br /><br />A return to basics will enable me to maintain clam during the inevitable ebb and flow of life.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-30217717628292501142008-08-21T22:01:00.008-04:002008-08-21T22:21:32.726-04:00Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 2When I was younger I had an insanely detailed approach to dating and whether someone was <em>"fit"</em> to date. I actually maintained a list on yellow legal paper that I followed. (<em>I actually still have the list, but I'll need to look for it. When I find it, I'll scan.)</em><br /><br />Anyhoo, I followed those guidelines well into college which is probably why I think I kept relationships at bay and was able to build a pretty impressive career.<br /><br />When I abandoned those guidelines, I walked smackdab into chaos. <br /><em>Why?</em> Because success has patterns. <br /><em>Why?</em> Because success leaves clues for reciprocation. <br /><em>Why?</em> Because you should stick with what works.<br /><br /><em>So if my insanely detailed list worked so well why did I stop using it?</em><br /><br />Well, my hindsight explanation is that I assumed that <em>defective <strong>substance </strong></em> was equal to <em>defective <strong>form</strong></em>. <br /><br /><em>Huh, Butterfly what does that mean?</em><br /><br />See, in my junior year of college, I started dating I guy who I thought was great. We had the perfect "Sweet Valley High" relationship:<br /><br /><strong><Center>"Intelligent, Athletic, Exotic Beauty <br />Dates <br />Handsome, Intelligent Older Jock."</center></strong><br />In retrospect, I don't think I ever learned that <strong>my </strong>relationships could end; after all, I followed the list. <br /><br /><em>How could it end when it was so "good"?</em><br /><br />So when it <strong>DID </strong>end, I subconsciously attributed the end of the relationship <em>(the substance)</em>to my faulty list<em> (the form). </em>I subsequently shifted to the world's approach to relationships and the result was several years of shit. <br /><br /><em>So then what?</em><br /><br />From 2006-2007, I walked away from two relationships that people thought were "great", but I knew there was better, and I wanted better. I was tired of settling to simply "be" in a relationship. I returned to basics, and by doing so, I was led to my wonderful husband.(More on hubby later.)<br /><br />So, back to reciprocating success. When I returned to my core values with relationships, I got what I wanted. So now I must return to my core values about my skin, body and God.<br /><br /><em>What was I doing <strong>THEN </strong>that was so special?</em><br /><br />See Part 3Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-20168776937392837022008-08-16T22:09:00.003-04:002015-05-01T10:32:09.083-04:00Ebb, Flow, CalmI totally understand the ebb and flow of life. I guess what I am having trouble with is its timeliness and the duration.<br />
<br />
When I think about it, the first 24 years <em>(I'd even extend to 26 years)</em> of my life were pretty great.<br />
<br />
I was homeless at one point, I slept at my job, I moved a gazillion times, but all in all I was happy. <em>Why?</em><br />
<br />
It's often said that success and happiness leave clues on how to reciprocate them.<br />
<br />
<em>What was so special about my life prior to age 26 that isn't present now?</em><br />
<br />
Well, first things that come to mind are my body and skin, and my relationship with God. <br />
<br />
<em>So do I now throw them in the <em>"they change with age just accept it"</em> category or do I rediscover the behaviors and attitudes that brought about the body and skin I was proud of <strong>THEN </strong>and incorporate them into my life <strong>NOW</strong>?</em><br />
<br />
<em>Isn't it interesting that when I was 26 I had a 1 bedroom apartment with an ass of a bf and no car, and was happy. Now with <strike>a husband</strike> a 3 bedroom home and Mercedes I'm sad?</em><br />
<br />
Well that would be to presuppose that my discontent is related only to relationships and material things. Quite the contrary. My discontent is totally about me, and that's why I look to none but me to fix it.<br />
<br />
So then we introduce diagnoses like OCD, bipolar and eating disorders. <em>How do they factor into the mix?</em><br />
<br />
In reality, their contribution to my frustrations are not that extensive. Imho. But more on that later. Also, more on God as well.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://thebipolarchick.blogspot.com/2008/08/ebb-flow-calm-part-2.html">See Part 2</a>Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-59761357268777574512008-08-16T12:12:00.006-04:002008-08-17T09:15:03.847-04:00Just a ThoughtIt's Day 2 of being semi back and I think I am OD-ing on blog posts. <br /><br />There's so much to tell, share, write about, and as I get caught up on your blogs, I am motivated to write even more; but it's overwhelming.<br /><br />Today, I am rapid cycling; in fact I've been this way for the last week. I tried to convince myself that I am really not bipolar at all, and that my only issue is that "life" isn't exactly the way I want it. <br /><br />2004 was a great year for me. I've been toying with the idea that if my hubby and I went back to 2004, <em>would I still be experiencing such periods of mania and depression?</em><br /><br />The answer may be easy for you, but um, no so much for me. So, let's just say that's all for now.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-59595057130762249802008-08-15T09:23:00.002-04:002008-08-15T09:23:56.667-04:00I MissI miss you.<br /><br />I miss me.<br /><br />I miss blogging.<br /><br />I miss so much.<br /><br />I'm gonna push through...though slowly.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-76629418358068191262008-07-28T21:41:00.006-04:002008-07-28T22:03:05.315-04:00Insurance Side StuffAfter 8 months, my insurance has finally been cancelled.<br /><br />I've been coasting on it since leaving my job last October. Truth be told, it should have been cancelled then, but it wasn't.<br /><br />Anyway, I've been looking at/for insurance lately<em>...(because after a year of having this blog I finally <strong>"get it"</strong> that I need insurance.)</em><br /><br />With looking for insurance comes looking for a job that offers insurance. Yeah, none of my GA-zillion jobs offers health insurance. Anyway, many of the jobs I'm looking at offers the basic health, dental, and life insurance, but a couple offered AD&D.<br /><br />AD&D is Accidental Death & Dismemberment. <em>Did you know that?</em><br /><br />Anyway, my curiosity was triggered and found out that there is renter's insurance, landlord's insurance, travel insurance,<a href="http://www.worldtravelcenter.com/"> travel health insurance</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pet_insurance">pet insurance</a> and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-funded_health_care">self -funded health care insurance </a>.<br /><br />There should be unemployment insurance for people with bipolar disorder;where a portion ofour earnings go toward days like this. But then again people without the disorder will simply call that savings.<br /><br />Just sharing. Haven't found a job with insurance yet. Still looking.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-31445095752396501532008-07-28T21:09:00.006-04:002008-07-28T21:38:14.905-04:00Ascribed MeaningI've always kept/ saved things; things that I then ascribe meaning to. <br /><br /><em>Like what?</em><br /><br />1. An airplane toothpick from my first flight<br />2. The words to my 8th grade class song<br />3. My first belly button ring<br />4. 86+ stuffed animals (each with a name)<br />5. EVERY movie ticket<br />6. Newspapers from each birthday<br /><br />I don't know <em>why </em>I keep them, but I do know that I <strong>HATE </strong>for them to be touched or to be lost. They become a part of me to the extent that it's hard to part with them. <br /><br />So, I've been thinking about a tattoo a lot lately.<br /><br />Why? It's permanent and the ultimate momento. Still, after 13 years of <em>thinking </em>about a tattoo, I've finally decided <em>where </em>I'd want it - my wrist. <br /><br />The dilemma is now <em>the what</em>. <em>What do I put?</em><br /><br />I originally wanted to have the word "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selah">Selah</a>". It's pretty and I love the meaning of it. <br /><br />Then I thought about my husband's name. He is without a doubt the most significant person in my life. I'd place his name, but he won't let me. Yeah, a tattoo is very permanent. It's not like <a href="http://www.alluringbody.com/">body jewelry</a>; it's forever. Well, maybe that's what I want; it's something that will have meaning, and something that can never be taken away from me or lost in a hurricane.<br /><br /><em>You know what? </em> This ascribed meaning stuff is probably about control.<br /><br />Hmmmmm.<br /><br />Each time I stop blogging, I soon learn how important it is for me.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-47358396225680975262008-07-28T20:57:00.004-04:002008-07-28T21:07:56.896-04:00Who Am I?I had a brief chat with my bff about identity. <br /><br />The question was <em>"who am I?" </em>Well, not <em>me</em>, but <strong>her</strong>. But while we were on her, I figured I'd pose the question to me.<br /><br /><em>Who am <strong>me</strong>?</em> LMBO!<br /><br />I dunno. Real talk.<br /><br />With the emergence of new "memories" <em>(more on that later</em>) during therapy, I have no damn clue who I am. The why is multifaceted. <br /><br />One why is that I lived my early years in the spotlight - TV, radio, modeling, acting. The entertainment industry is a farce. The only way to be "in" is to accept that you will be lied to and you will be required to lie to others. Live a lie ling enough and you soon believe the lie. Yeah, that's me.<br /><br />Another "why" is that after I left the entertainment industry I tried to prolong the lie; it didn't work.<br /><br />I have no idea where I was going with this post. <br /><br />Hmmmm, well, I'm trying to find me. If you run into her, please send her home :-)Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-70168403790670751662008-07-28T20:07:00.004-04:002015-05-01T10:40:03.609-04:00Inner GypsieI've lived in several states in my life, and in several places within each state.<br />
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In 2006, my credit report listed 30 residences! Yeah, I know. As much as I would like to say that they are all due to my love of travel or to jobs, they're not. I have perfected "fight or flight". I runaway. When things aren't great where I am, I move, and keep moving. <br />
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So, lately, I've been thinking about moving again. <em>Where to?</em> I don't know. Not sure. If I stay in America I was thinking Tennessee or North Carolina. If International, Italy for sure. <br />
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Not making any sudden moves right now, but I'm ready for whenever - Uhaul is around the corner and my <a href="http://www.americanpassport.com/">passport </a>is still valid, too.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-74408543216745080262008-07-28T19:31:00.005-04:002008-07-28T20:05:04.058-04:00Getting Caught Up<a href="http://www.kyhorsepower.com/svt_ky/Consultant.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px;" src="http://www.kyhorsepower.com/svt_ky/Consultant.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>What hasn't been happening?<br /><br />I've seemingly had a <strong>GA</strong>-zillion jobs. In the last week I was averaging 16 hour work days between 3 jobs - gym, virtual assistant and restaurant (more on that later).<br /><br />With the gym, I am a consultant. I go in, assess their trouble areas, and implement policy to fix them. I'm amazingly efficient when my head is right. <br /><br />Anyway, they have <strong>LOTS </strong>of problems with their employees' performance and accountability, so in addition to micromanaging their staff, I implemented <a href="http://www.prophix.com/evaluate/innovative_solution_award.php ">corporate performance management</a> as well.<br /><br />The owners can be terribly frustrating at times because they are so inefficient, but they like me and are willing to allow me to have whatever schedule I want as long I stay with them. So we'll see.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-20972405673630864352008-07-28T19:23:00.003-04:002008-07-28T19:30:44.604-04:00Lies or DPDSo my t-doc mentioned wants to test me for DPD or <a href="http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec07/ch106/ch106d.html">Dissociative Personality Disorder </a>aka multiple personality disorder.<br /><br /><em>Am I surprised?</em><br /><br />Not at all. I kinda knew it. My choppy memory, invention of different people equipped with different names and signatures, losing blocks of time -yeah, I kinda suspected something was a bit weird for a while.<br /><br />My memory blocks are not like the blackout after being pissy drunk. I forget people, situations, periods of my life. T-doc says that it is a coping mechanism, and that I clearly block out things I rather not recall, but her concern is on the different names and signatures.<br /><br />So what now?<br /><br />We're gonna try hypnotherapy. Although I am a bit afraid of what I may discover about me and things I've done, I really want to know if there is more to me and my life. I'll keep you posted on this too, ok.Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3614274568568651523.post-9290946480140859542008-07-28T19:08:00.006-04:002008-07-28T19:22:47.601-04:00Selling Me OutI've been thinking about awareness, cash, work, life, coping, etc, and then I read a blog piece that Lil Kim and Foxy Brown were each given an advance to write a book that they did not deliver.<br /><br />Then it hit me -<strong> I need a book deal!</strong><br /><br />Not only will the advance take care of bills, but it will also allow me to be at home (in an environment conducive to my professional success). I'll have an opportunity to raise awareness and to educate as well.<br /><br />So what's my angle, what'll be my selling point? Hmmmm, not sure, but maybe I'll pitch the real face of mental illness. Hmm, gonna start by writing Oprah along with <a href="http://www.ambervision.blogspot.com">Amber </a>and then write a couple pitch letters to publishers.<br /><br />I'll keep you posted.<br /><br />Can't wait to be on Oprah, the View and signing my book at Barnes & Noble!Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05382543936879362758noreply@blogger.com1