Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 3

So let's do a bullet list

Skin THEN
* Got more sun
* Drank more water
* Washed face nightly
* Got facials

Skin NOW
* I am in the house A LOT
* Drink maybe ~1/2 Gallon/ month
* Routinely sleep with makeup
* Last facial was February

Hmmmm.

Body THEN
* Drank lots of water
* Ate healthier
* Didn't eat as much or as late
* Worked out at least 3x/week

Body NOW
* Drink a case of soda/ week
* 3-4lbs of Swedish fish/ month
* What is a salad?
* I roll over at night to eat/ drink
* Workout?

God Then
* 1 hour daily devotion
* Fast once/ week
* Church every Sunday
* God in every aspect of life
* Like -minded friends

God NOW
* Devotion when I can
* Maybe 2 full hours/week
* Fast once/ month
* Church every Sunday (after long hiatus)
* God needs to be everywhere
* I'm strange to peers

Things to consider:
* Didn't have diagnosis
* Work required fit body

That's it. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't think of any other excuses. It's clear that I haven't been doing my part.

Butterfly, success leaves clues, man. Look at your life, it's there, it's all around. Redo what worked before, and Git R Done!

A return to basics will enable me to maintain clam during the inevitable ebb and flow of life.

Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 2

When I was younger I had an insanely detailed approach to dating and whether someone was "fit" to date. I actually maintained a list on yellow legal paper that I followed. (I actually still have the list, but I'll need to look for it. When I find it, I'll scan.)

Anyhoo, I followed those guidelines well into college which is probably why I think I kept relationships at bay and was able to build a pretty impressive career.

When I abandoned those guidelines, I walked smackdab into chaos.
Why? Because success has patterns.
Why? Because success leaves clues for reciprocation.
Why? Because you should stick with what works.

So if my insanely detailed list worked so well why did I stop using it?

Well, my hindsight explanation is that I assumed that defective substance was equal to defective form.

Huh, Butterfly what does that mean?

See, in my junior year of college, I started dating I guy who I thought was great. We had the perfect "Sweet Valley High" relationship:

"Intelligent, Athletic, Exotic Beauty
Dates
Handsome, Intelligent Older Jock."
In retrospect, I don't think I ever learned that my relationships could end; after all, I followed the list.

How could it end when it was so "good"?

So when it DID end, I subconsciously attributed the end of the relationship (the substance)to my faulty list (the form). I subsequently shifted to the world's approach to relationships and the result was several years of shit.

So then what?

From 2006-2007, I walked away from two relationships that people thought were "great", but I knew there was better, and I wanted better. I was tired of settling to simply "be" in a relationship. I returned to basics, and by doing so, I was led to my wonderful husband.(More on hubby later.)

So, back to reciprocating success. When I returned to my core values with relationships, I got what I wanted. So now I must return to my core values about my skin, body and God.

What was I doing THEN that was so special?

See Part 3

Ebb, Flow, Calm

I totally understand the ebb and flow of life. I guess what I am having trouble with is its timeliness and the duration.

When I think about it, the first 24 years (I'd even extend to 26 years) of my life were pretty great.

I was homeless at one point, I slept at my job, I moved a gazillion times, but all in all I was happy. Why?

It's often said that success and happiness leave clues on how to reciprocate them.

What was so special about my life prior to age 26 that isn't present now?

Well, first things that come to mind are my body and skin, and my relationship with God.

So do I now throw them in the "they change with age just accept it" category or do I rediscover the behaviors and attitudes that brought about the body and skin I was proud of THEN and incorporate them into my life NOW?

Isn't it interesting that when I was 26 I had a 1 bedroom apartment with an ass of a bf and no car, and was happy. Now with a husband a 3 bedroom home and Mercedes I'm sad?

Well that would be to presuppose that my discontent is related only to relationships and material things. Quite the contrary. My discontent is totally about me, and that's why I look to none but me to fix it.

So then we introduce diagnoses like OCD, bipolar and eating disorders. How do they factor into the mix?

In reality, their contribution to my frustrations are not that extensive. Imho. But more on that later. Also, more on God as well.

See Part 2

Just a Thought

It's Day 2 of being semi back and I think I am OD-ing on blog posts.

There's so much to tell, share, write about, and as I get caught up on your blogs, I am motivated to write even more; but it's overwhelming.

Today, I am rapid cycling; in fact I've been this way for the last week. I tried to convince myself that I am really not bipolar at all, and that my only issue is that "life" isn't exactly the way I want it.

2004 was a great year for me. I've been toying with the idea that if my hubby and I went back to 2004, would I still be experiencing such periods of mania and depression?

The answer may be easy for you, but um, no so much for me. So, let's just say that's all for now.

Ascribed Meaning

I've always kept/ saved things; things that I then ascribe meaning to.

Like what?

1. An airplane toothpick from my first flight
2. The words to my 8th grade class song
3. My first belly button ring
4. 86+ stuffed animals (each with a name)
5. EVERY movie ticket
6. Newspapers from each birthday

I don't know why I keep them, but I do know that I HATE for them to be touched or to be lost. They become a part of me to the extent that it's hard to part with them.

So, I've been thinking about a tattoo a lot lately.

Why? It's permanent and the ultimate momento. Still, after 13 years of thinking about a tattoo, I've finally decided where I'd want it - my wrist.

The dilemma is now the what. What do I put?

I originally wanted to have the word "Selah". It's pretty and I love the meaning of it.

Then I thought about my husband's name. He is without a doubt the most significant person in my life. I'd place his name, but he won't let me. Yeah, a tattoo is very permanent. It's not like body jewelry; it's forever. Well, maybe that's what I want; it's something that will have meaning, and something that can never be taken away from me or lost in a hurricane.

You know what? This ascribed meaning stuff is probably about control.

Hmmmmm.

Each time I stop blogging, I soon learn how important it is for me.

Who Am I?

I had a brief chat with my bff about identity.

The question was "who am I?" Well, not me, but her. But while we were on her, I figured I'd pose the question to me.

Who am me? LMBO!

I dunno. Real talk.

With the emergence of new "memories" (more on that later) during therapy, I have no damn clue who I am. The why is multifaceted.

One why is that I lived my early years in the spotlight - TV, radio, modeling, acting. The entertainment industry is a farce. The only way to be "in" is to accept that you will be lied to and you will be required to lie to others. Live a lie ling enough and you soon believe the lie. Yeah, that's me.

Another "why" is that after I left the entertainment industry I tried to prolong the lie; it didn't work.

I have no idea where I was going with this post.

Hmmmm, well, I'm trying to find me. If you run into her, please send her home :-)

Lies or DPD

So my t-doc mentioned wants to test me for DPD or Dissociative Personality Disorder aka multiple personality disorder.

Am I surprised?

Not at all. I kinda knew it. My choppy memory, invention of different people equipped with different names and signatures, losing blocks of time -yeah, I kinda suspected something was a bit weird for a while.

My memory blocks are not like the blackout after being pissy drunk. I forget people, situations, periods of my life. T-doc says that it is a coping mechanism, and that I clearly block out things I rather not recall, but her concern is on the different names and signatures.

So what now?

We're gonna try hypnotherapy. Although I am a bit afraid of what I may discover about me and things I've done, I really want to know if there is more to me and my life. I'll keep you posted on this too, ok.

Selling Me Out

I've been thinking about awareness, cash, work, life, coping, etc, and then I read a blog piece that Lil Kim and Foxy Brown were each given an advance to write a book that they did not deliver.

Then it hit me - I need a book deal!

Not only will the advance take care of bills, but it will also allow me to be at home (in an environment conducive to my professional success). I'll have an opportunity to raise awareness and to educate as well.

So what's my angle, what'll be my selling point? Hmmmm, not sure, but maybe I'll pitch the real face of mental illness. Hmm, gonna start by writing Oprah along with Amber and then write a couple pitch letters to publishers.

I'll keep you posted.

Can't wait to be on Oprah, the View and signing my book at Barnes & Noble!

Anesthesia

Writing requires thinking, and lately I've really been trying really hard NOT to think.

Thinking causes hurt and shame. Thinking dredges up that which I don't wanna talk about anyway. Just seems that lately it was easier not think or be numb.

I've been using food to prevent thought. I've been eating cheesecake, wings, Swedish fish and whatever else I can get my hands on. I focus on the food so I don't have to focus on my life. I'm not very happy with the way things are right now, and its a challenge to chuckle through pain, smile in the midst of fear and press on despite overwhelming fatigue.

It's tough and I'm tired and its easier to put all the things that bother me out of my head, and numb myself.

Wow.

It's been a month...just about.

Wow.

What hasn't happened?

Instead of trying to account for everything that has occurred all in one post, I'll break it up, of course. Don't wanna bore you.

But I'm ok. I did have a lot of challenges with all my stuff - agoraphobia, eating disorders, bipolar, panic attacks. Yes, it's been a challenging month.

The biggest sadness came from Dobro. I wasn't expecting her passing to affect me like it did, but I couldn't shake it.

What's so great about blogging ins that you're able to form support systems behind the front page. Dobro was one support for me.

I love you all. I'm back.
RIP Dobro

Thunder Scares Me

Recently the heat wave in the DC metro area birthed perfect conditions for thunderstorms and of course those wretched tornadoes.

Maybe nature misunderstood.

I enjoy sleeping to RAIN, not THUNDER and LIGHTENING!

Power was knocked out a couple times, and I was VERY SCARED. I even contemplated sleeping under the stairs leading to the basement. Spine shaking thunder and crackling lightening really scare me; no really, they scare me.

My sister mentioned that she may have PTSD from experiencing hurricanes as kids. I think it's very possible that I have it, too. My fear of thunder/ lightening is really on another scale. And the thought of a tornado gives me IBS. In fact, the IBS/heartburn/ esophagus pain is back and it started around last Thursday when we were under tornado watch quite a bit.

I still remember the sound of an earthquake as a child. (Yes, there is a sound. It's kinda like a train whistle. Very eerie.) Anyway, I am very unnerved by natural disasters that are impossible to anticipate.

Hmmmmm, makes me see the need for therapy after natural disasters.

Can you imagine the fear in the hearts of people that lived through the tsunami, Katrina, and the billion tornadoes this season?

Damn Knockers

Who knocks on random doors?

In the last 2 weeks, I've had 5, count em, 1-2-3-4-5 random people KNOCK on my door; and then, RING the bell!

Who were they?

I don't know. I never answer the door. I hate surprises. Random knocks and bell ringing disturbs my peace and makes me paranoid. I don't know anyone in this town, so I ain't expecting no visitors!

So guess what?

KNOCK UNTIL YOUR INTRUDING KNUCKLES BLEED!
One guy did leave a biz card about cutting my grass. So why was he knocking? Was he going to sell me on his grass cutting skills? Was there really something to discuss about grass cuttery?

Who KNOCKS on random doors to talk about grass?

Then I need to take 30 minutes to calm down from their intrusion.

Lately....

I can't stand my smell. The scent of me, natural aroma, whatever, I hate it, so I'm bathing all the time, which makes my skin peel.

So, I'm only wearing pants cuz my legs are peeling like a snake.

OCD overdrive, yeah.

But the smell doesn't go away.

I walk into the house and I smell feet. Not "oh-my-goodness-put-those-shoes-outside" feet, but just "in-here-smells-feet-y" feet.

So I burn nag champa incense, spray cushions with an apple cinnamon spray, burn apple cinnamon oil, place Hawaiian breeze plug ins in each outlet, and boil vanilla extract in water.

I don't get too close to people because if I can smell me, surely they can; which make me not want to go outside.

Just sharing.

What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

I did it again.

I went on an interview this week.
They wanted to hire me.
I ignored all of the calls.

Didn't I just write about giving away my power?

I had a talk about integrity with my husband. I think I lack integrity. He thought I was being hard on myself. Maybe I hate confrontation. Why the heck do I care that people spent time interviewing me and I don't want to work for them?

Why can't I just say "I decided to accept another offer?"

Oh brother.

I guess when I can do better I will. I want to. I really do. I feel so dumb for ignoring my ringing phone.

Walking Through an Anxiety Attack

I have so much riding on my ability to get it together and to get right.

You're chest is not tightening, and you're not having an asthma attack, you're simply having an anxiety attack.

Breathe. Let's do everything in steps. Pause right now and finish your juice. Come back when they're finished.

Finished.

Ok. Put the cups in the sink with some water. Take the laptop upstairs with you and put your contacts in. Go.

Done.

11:15- Good. Dry your hair and wash your face with all the steps. Go.
11:38- Done.

11:39- Email your proposal to the owner of the studio.
12:24- Done.

12:25- Good. Email addendum with your brochure attached.
12:27- Done! I'm feeling good, but don't go yet.

12:28- Ok, wash off the mask, email the club manager, email designers/ MUA. Go!
12:37- DONE!

12:38- Pause. Go eat. Then send resumes while watch TV. Do this until 2pm. GO!
1:14- I cooked! I ate! I’m feeling great!

Operation Start Over No. 93863428109419...

My Day This Far:

4am: Awake? What the hell for?

5am: Turn on the radio. I might as well be entertained.

7am: Geez. Still Awake.

8am: Startled out of sleep by mother calling. Ignore. Feeling drugged.

10am: Come on Butterfly, we can face the world.

10:15: In the shower. I finally rinse out the conditioner out of my hair. As I shower, I get light-headed and need to sit. It's too hot, I'm too hot. I lay down in the tub and pass out for a bit. I come to and finish with my shower. I must have gone too long without a bath. I'm now allergic to it.

10:45: Out of the shower, headed to kitchen for orange juice, Emergen-C, some tea and to write this post.

And now it's 10:50am.

I gotta have a plan today other than getting back into bed or laying on the couch under the covers. A failure to plan is planning to fail, isn't it?

Well, my body is in anxiety attack mode because I dread going outside. Yes, the agoraphobia is back. How do I feel? Well, no one can judge me at home. People will see that my skin is blotchy, I wear wigs, I'm a little fat in the tummy and notice that I act weird; and so it's safe here.

Ok, here comes the other part of the brain:

No Butterfly, you're focusing on your fears - False Expectations Appearing Real. You are much stronger than you give credit for. Remember the book "What Would You Do if You Had No Fear?"

Yes, I do.

What would you do today if you had no fear?

Ok, I would:

1. Go to three places where I want to work and try to get an interview on the spot.
2. I'd pitch my proposal to the local studio and start my modeling classes there.
3. I'd follow through with planning next Tuesday event.

Ok, so what's stopping you?

What if I don't get an interview? What if you do?
What is the studio isn't interested? What if they are?
What if I can't find a designer and models in time? What if you can?

Ok, I get the point.

It's so cliche, but I'll say it cuz you need to hear it. "Nothing beats a try." I think you are so afraid of being accountable and then messing up that you've simply stopped trying or you try and flake at the end. You are letting your bipolar disorder win.

Come on. I'll help you. Drink your juice, dry your hair and get dressed. We're going to find money.

Ready?

Not really, but ok.

On 3: 1-2-3 Let's Go!

Time 11:01am.

Stay Tuned.

Tired of Starting Over

I know that I'm not a weirdo, but how can I be so OCD, but yet, have conditioner in my hair for 4+ days under a shower cap, under a wig cap?

Who does that?

How can I check and recheck the alarm system, but get exhausted with taking a shower?

I made so much progress with my face. My skin was amazing, radiant, clear. But the mushrooms are back. My face looks like shit because I haven't washed it since Thursday.

Until I cycled high this morning and washed the dishes, I had a bowl with nuclear waste sitting in the sink. But I am OCD.

I swear to God. I hate this shit. I hate that I'm not the me that I liked and enjoyed and was so productive, and fun and dependable, and pretty. I'm a busted shell of who I used to be.

I'm tired of starting over. Each day I wake up is another day that I start from scratch; not where I left off yesterday, but from scratch! I'm in a perpetual state of rebuilding, over and over, and over and over.

FUCK!

Just when I think I have a handle on this..... I'm not happy right now.

Psych Ward

Where've I been?

I was having a lot of problems concentrating last week at work.

I yelled at a staffer because the TV was loud and so was the radio. Everything was magnified, and the befuddled look on everyone else's faces let me know that it was my ears.

Then came the weekend. I had a severe bout of OCD anxiety on Saturday. I had to unplug everything in the house before I left because they would spark and start a fire. Also, I didn't want the electric bill to be higher because of "phantom energy".

I know. It's a smidge off now, but it made sense then.

Then came the hallucinations, itching, and agoraphobia. I was really bugging out and hubby made me go to the hospital.

I was in the psych ward.

So, they put me back on the Lexapro, but I didn't take the Seroquel. The result was a clear head, but severe mania.

I get it. Life has changed from what I knew it to be. It makes me sad to think if I am unable to do what truly makes me happy all the time, I may need meds to maintain consistent productivity.

I feel like when I was first diagnosed.

Cable No Mo!

I did it!

I procrastinated very much yesterday, but I finally did it! I shut off my cable!

I'll most likely get Netflix in June or something, but for now, I'm actually feeling much more productive as I type.

Here's to an introspective and knowledge enhancing summer.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I mustered up the willpower to cancel the cable despite the strong pull to The Office, American Idol finale, and Blue Collar Comedy.

I Give Away Power

So remember the job as the leasing consultant that I didn't show up for?

Well, I never called them either, and so I spent 3 days NOT answering my cell phone.

Why didn't I just call and tell them I couldn't take the job?

Instead I couldn't answer the cellphone that I pay for!

I gave up power! I've done this sooo much in my life. I must stop.

I found a bookmark at Women's Dermatologic Society called "Ways People Give Away Power". It lists the following as the 3 ways people give away power:

1. Assumes they are wrong (even when others disagree).
2. Don't Express Feelings (when angry or annoyed).
3. Forget the relationship when disagreeing (with personal attacks).
4. Overly concerned with being liked (and receiving approval).

It was interesting.

Gratitude Moment: I'm grateful for the Internet and for having a desire to change parts of me I don't like.