A Question

Who's hated more:
a. mentally ill
b. terrorist.

Yeah, exactly.

I Do It, Too

One of the things that is very unnerving with my brother is that he talks to himself.

He is bipolar as well, but I've also heard terms like "schizo-affective" tossed around.

He talks to himself about anything and everything.

Witnessing it is unnerving, unable to make it stop is frustrating.

And then, someone at work told me "You're talking to yourself again", and it wasn't in the "oh-ha-ha-you're-talking-to-yourself" kinda way.

When I do talk to myself and people notice, I address it. I tell them that I talk to myself and I answer, too (people think it's cute to reply with the "as long as you don't answer" bullshit).

I'm doing it more, I think. I do it when I watch TV, in movies, drive. Maybe because I have less forced interaction with people.

It doesn't bother me; just an observation.

So, here's another question:Is admitting that you talk to yourself and comfortable telling others (me) better or more evolved/ self -aware than failing to admit (brother)?

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I have a home where I am comfortable being me.

A Question

Is it me or has there been A LOT of natural disasters lately?

Hate to be sound the "End is Near Horn", but it sure as heck seems like it.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I noticed the increase in natural disasters, and that I am not overly preoccupied with it.

A Question

What is it about bipolar disorder that makes it the moment of depression or mania seem like the end of the world, but when it pasts, you wonder why you were so worked up?

A Question

The blinds and thick curtains that keep the street lights out at night so I can sleep are the same blinds that keep the sunlight in the morning that help me wake up.

Which do I get rid of?

A Question

The Garbage Truck post was really nice.

But how do you fight the urge to stuff the garbage down their throat?

A Question

Are you living the life you deserve or the one you settled for?

A Question

Do you reread and edit your blogs?

I often review them for missed spelling errors.

A Question

If you could run away from this life and start over, would you?
I would.

Do you know who'd you'd run away with?
I do.

Wanna Hear a Riddle?

How Many Beverage Cans and Bottles Must one Have Before Being Called Nasty?

I have 23.

Have You Noticed...

The "healthier" I get, the less I post?

A Question

How do you help someone without losing yourself?

Thankful, that I am able to ask this question.

Do You Deserve Your Disease?

This won't be popular, but hey, I figured you stuck by me through my rants, tantrums & breakdowns. So, you'd at least read and ponder the question before burning me at the stake.

Yup, I meant the question: Do You Deserve Your Disease?

What would make me ask such a thing?

See, I simply can't believe that "bad things happen to good people". Rather, I believe that bad things happen to people (all people) who have bad thoughts and good things happen to people (all people) who have good thoughts.

I'm reading "As a Woman Thinketh", and it made an amazing point: To say that a bad thing happened to a good person, and to conclude that it was totally unfair is to presuppose from a superficial view that the person was ALL good.

Meaning, good people have bad thoughts and can do bad things; hence, bad things CAN happen to them.

No one is ALL good, and until a person has removed every speck of ill from their life, they are unfit to conclude that their suffering is wrongful repayment for virtues and good deeds.

Everyone wants to be a m*thaf*ckin victim and martyr, but if we're honest and do an assessment, many of us are some evil b*tches.

Don't believe me?

Reread my March & April posts. LOL!

It may be too much for some to ponder, but I'm diving in. SWISH!

I can be a mean, vindictive, selfish, misogynistic, hateful, vengeful, venom- spewing, bigotty, bratty BITCH.

For me to say that I don't deserve to be bipolar is for me to say that I am unjustly suffering for being an angel to humanity; which just isn't true.

I don't deserve to be bipolar? Really?

Well, butterfly, what would have been a more fitting punishment for you laundry list o crimes against humanity?

Schizophrenia?
Tourettes?
MS?
Lose a limb?
Blindness?
Cancer?
Death?

Hell, what gives me the right to think I should NEVER suffer, ever?

What gives me the right to place suffering in a hierarchy and choose what I deserve?

Who the hell do I think I am?

Jesus was the son of God & He was crucified!

And my (at times) triflin ass wants a get out of jail free card?

Who's really being unfair now?

The point: Bipolar is what I see when I CHOOSE to look at it. If I busy myself with infusing my world with all things good, I'll be having too much fun on the return of my positivity to notice or have time for a mood swing.

Disclaimer: Thoughts represent what's applicable to ME.

Enough

I’m so drained.

When is enough, enough?

Do you ever get sick and tired of being sick and tired?

It’s important to note that this isn’t a whiny rant. I know that the only reason I feel this sh*tty is because I’ve been off the Lexapro. Trust me, I will be certain to hunt my p-doc down tomorrow, or there will be NO PEACE in the world.

Apart from not being able to focus, I feel great.

So what prompted this post?

Vicious Cycles.

I’ve noticed that I’ve done the same thing over and over or have engaged in the same type of destructive behavior repeatedly, and I’m trying to end it.

Am I callous for being frustrated when everyone doesn’t pause to pay attention to their issues and cycles?

I give you a pass until 21, and then I expect you to fix your sh*t or at least have a desire to fix your sh*t. Maybe that’s my elitist, perfectionist, judgmental side talking. For example, hooray for me that I noticed that I was the one causing problems at all my jobs, and I chose to SMASH the cycle by changing my perspective on how I interact with my bosses.

My last 4 jobs ended by me being "certain" that my GM was out to get me. A couple of those ended in court cases.

You see?

Cycles. I’m trying to detect and fix mine.

Why won’t everyone pause, notice the routine, cyclical sh*t that they do, and change it?

Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah... I know, people are on different stages of their evolution. Well, I am all for making changes in my life for the better. I’m all for trimming the fat, making the changes and ending all this up and down bullsh*t.

I’ve cut people off with no regrets. Why should I regret not being friends with someone who is a self –absorbed arsehole?

Why should I be near anyone who brings me grief whether they know it or not?

Wait, do I have a responsibility to tell people why they're cut off? Cuz I really don't care to.

I justify it by saying that people grow apart. I grow apart from people. They were in my life for a reason or season. It’s not my responsibility to keep them around with all their dysfunction because they were nice to me once.

Still it's not my responsibility to keep them around after they fulfilled their purpose. Yes purpose; ever hear of friendships of utility? Especially with chicks; their feelings get hurt because they chose to ignore my disclaimer -"Butterfly subject to change at any moment without notice or apology".

Callous?

Maybe, but so what. I expect people to treat me the same way. I stopped putting my trust in people a long time ago. I trust people to be people which means they will do whatever they want to do whenever they want to do it when they feel it suits them best.

And that’s ok. Wanna know why?

Cuz I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want to do when I want to do it with no regrets.

Anyway, here’s some sh*t I want to fix:

- Why do I start and then destroy friendships with chicks?
- Why do blow throw money so quickly with nothing to show for it?
- Why do I strategically permit my anger to flare?
- Why do I wreck my own sh*t?
- Why do I attract married men?

The last one is a big one for me. I swear there is a sign on my forehead that reads “Married Men Welcome.” It irks my nerves. I want to scrub the sign off my head with a brillo pad!

I swear, if there is an unhappy married man within a 5 mile radius of me, he’s gonna find me and feed me his muthaf*ckin sob story. In the past I entertained it; you know, everyone needs someone to talk to, someone to vent to. Well, guess what? Your vent buddy, doesn’t have to be me! CALL DR. PHIL with your trifling arse!

I’m all about ridding my world of people that need not be in it.

Like who you ask?

- Married men
- Whiny and needy arse chicks
- Parasitic morons who want to use me as a stepping stone to fame.
- People stuck in the past.
- Jackarse men that sap my energy and creativity.

You get it?

Enough is enough for me?

I’m taking responsibility for my own sh*t. I have no time to deal with the world's.

A Question

Which came first - symptoms or did the knowledge of bipolar symptoms cause additional manifestation?

Stay with me on this one.

A Question

How do you not slump when you've been run over by a truck?

A Question

I can be perky when all is well, but how do you keep bip at bay when bad sh*t happens?

A Question

What do the following have in common:

Alvin Ailey
Axl Rose
Sting
Larry Flynt
Marilyn Monroe
Mozart
Jane Pauley
Drew Carey
Ben Stiller
Ted Turner
Jean Claude Van Damme
Jim Carey
Agatha Christie
Winston Churchill
Robin Williams
Frances Ford Coppola
Edgar Allen Poe
Mark Twain

They're all bipolar.

A Question

Where does bipolar's depression end and laziness begin?