Winining the War

It's the little battles won far from the applauding crowd that bring us victory at war.

War for me is inconsistency and procrastination.

Two atrocious human flaws, that when coupled with bipolar disorder results in a whole lot of excuses, frustration "if only's" and "woulda, shoulda, coulda".

Nothing gets done.

There's much that I want to do, but instead of taking on the war, I'm fighting the little battles.

3 days
3 30 minute Cardio sessions
3 Salads
3 Half Gallons of Water
3 Bible Readings
3 Prayer Sessions
3 Meditations
3 Days of Reflection

I'm proud of me.

I feel good. In time, this will be the norm.

10 Things NEVER to Say to Me

1. Calm down.
2. Relax.
3. It's in your head.
4. You're making a big deal out of nothing.
5. It's not that serious.
6. Why are you stressing?
7. Are you for real?
8. Aren't you stronger than that?
9. You don't know what you're talking about.
10. You're stressing for nothing.

A Favorite Quote

The secret awaits eyes unclouded by ambition.

Those who are bound by desire see only that which can be held in their hands.

Sometimes its hard to live the way of the wise.

('Bruce Leroy", Last Dragon)

Feel Good Thingies!

1. Asking for how much I want to get paid.
2. Getting it.
3. Setting the terms of my employment.
4. Receiving it.
5. Planning my day and sticking to it.
6. Buying a book for a friend.
7. Drinking a bottle of water.
8. Making a grocery list and sticking to it.
9. Setting up home office.
10. Not whimping out at the gym.

Somebody

If there's a somebody
for everybody,
Then when do they arrive?
Cuz this somebody wants a somebody
to take the wheel and drive.

After 30 years on driving
I want the back seat.
I want no traffic, no detours, no signals,
Please, just gimmie a a wink of sleep.

You won't steer forever,
Just until I feel better.

You in?

If there's a somebody
For everybody
Then when the heck do they arrive?

GEEZ!!!!

You're taking too long
I've got Expedia on the line.
So pick one:
Fly, train, bus or drive!

Dear God

So much has happened.
So much has transpired.
I hurt, I cry.
Dear God, I'm tired.

Tired of the pain,
Frustration and shame.
Tired of the labels,
Judgments and games.

Tired of dreams postponed;
Crying alone;
No peace in my skin;
Dear God, I'm in such turmoil within.

Who can hear my silent scream?
Who truly understands this pain so deep?

Under the weave and the Maybeline;
Remove the jewelry and designer jeans;
Behind the smiles worn to appease;
Shed the image they need to see;

I'm in pain.

Oh God!
Hurt and ashamed.
Judging myself harshly
Dear God,
That's the pain I'm in.

This vicious cycle, it just won't end!
I can't even trust my mind-
Formerly my friend.

"I" has turned on "Me";
And "Myself" is nowhere to be found.
I''m surround by people
Yet it seems no one's around

Dear God,
I think I've found hell.
It's right here in my mind-
No peace;
Deferred dreams;
I'm frustrated most of the time.

There's a Cliff behind,
And an 18 wheeler racing ahead.
Get a grip, Butterfly
Or else you'll be dead.

Deep down
I know I transcend hurt and pain
Deep down,
Butterfly, lift your head
You will smile again.

Deep Down
With the last musters of strength...

Inhale.
Exhale.
Dear God,
I still have breath.

Thank you.

(Dedicated to my cousin Mike)

Feel Good Thingies!

1. Finishing a book
2. Completing a workout
3. Being true to my word
4. Being honest even when it hurts
5. Standing up for myself
6. Cleaning my apt
7. Wash, Dry Fold
8. Drinking water
9. Washing my face
10. Taking out the trash
11. Taking a bath
12. Getting out of Bed (Thanks Shell)

There's more, but I can't remember.

I'll keep adding, ok.

Ladies Don't.....

Smoke
Fight
Spit
Swear

It's not acceptable for me to swear as much as I do.

It must stop.

All Hail the Drama Queen

My Father saw me walking to the train and gave me a lift.

We spoke about my brother, work, and stuff.

Oh, my mother was also in the car.

I’ve chosen not to speak to her since the blow out, and so I did not.

An hour later my father calls me to ask me to apologize to her for not speaking.

Violins On.
Apparently, between me and my brother it's just, oh too much to bear. So she was at the store crying.
Violins Off.

Whatever.

I didn’t throw pity parties when she made me cry.

If she’d pause long enough to wipe the crocodile tears, she’ll see the role she played in my response to her today.

SUCK IT UP!

Brother Admitted

Not sure if you recall, but I have a younger brother who was the first to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I think part of my manic blow up on Sunday was fueled by seeing how much weight my brother had lost. When he is off meds and nearing the point when he must be hospitalized, he stops eating.

When I saw him on Sunday -approximately 2 months since the last time - he was half his size.

Anyway, mother finally "saw" that he needed intervention and had my father call me to assist with getting him to a hospital.

He's in; for the 4TH TIME in 3 years because my parents can't set boundaries and give hi consequences for not taking his meds!

Pissed.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Why am I Named Butterfly?
Butterfly is my name because I have been living in the cocoon on societal and family expectations. After much internal struggle and silent screams, I have broken free and I am learning to use my wings.

2. What’s my age?
30

3. Where do I live?
New York City

4. When was I diagnosed?
February 2006

5. When did I start meds?
February 2007

6. Why did I stop taking meds?
I went through a really bad withdrawal in April 2007. I was out of meds, and my pdoc went MIA. The withdrawal landed me in the hospital, in pain and pissed off. Being off the meds was so bad that I chose not to return.

7. What do I do to cope?
My make my first thought of the day “Thank you God for another day.” I pray then spend a couple minutes meditating. (I’m working my way up gradually.)

I take Omega 3, Valerian Root (to help me sleep), and try to drink water (not doing as well as I’d like). Gonna incorporate some yoga this week.

8. Anyone else in my family with a bipolar dx?
Dx – Sister, brother, aunt, cousin
Undx – Father, aunt, grandfather, uncle

9. How has being bp affected my life?
Positively – I am very self aware. I monitor my thoughts an behavior to make improvements; I no longer feel as alone. Knowing that there is a term for how I feel and that other people feel the same way I do is comforting.

Negatively – At one point I analyzed everything entirely too much. It was maddening at times. Sometimes I’m frustrated; just want to be the way I was.

10. Any fall outs from family/ friends since the dx?
Mother uses my dx as a reason to judge everything I do. In error, I called her when I was really manic, right before going to the hospital, and she won’t let me forget it.

Also I was fired from my job for not being durable. Go figure.

11. What are my triggers?
Mania - MY MOTHER, when people yell, curse or be condescending to me, lies

Depression – Thinking about my past life; any relationship issues.

12. Any other dx?
OCD and bulimia; I’ve always been OCD; I simply justified it as me being a neat freak. Bulimia has been in effect for a while on and off. I take laxatives, and have thrown up a couple times. My reality check came in July when I was diagnosed with a tear in my esophagus. I won’t be throwing up any more because it hurt like hell.

13. Drugs/ Alcohol?
None are habits. I’ve smoked weed just to do it. I seldom drink when out. Maybe one drink, socially. I drink alone. I have a low tolerance, so I can drink 6 wimpy wine coolers and it will help me sleep.

14. Are you in a relationship?
Yes. He is very supportive.

15. When did you first notice something was weird?
I get really paranoid and think that people are out to get me. Hence I’ve initiated over 8 legal proceedings. In hindsight I overreacted in 98% of the cases, but I felt justified.

16. Worse thing I’ve done while manic?
Threw cell phones, attacked an ex and broke his chain, send pictures of a roommate and her ex to her NEW bf, start law suits, wrecked apartments, moved…a lot.

17. Worse things I’ve done while depressed?
Disconnect from the world – no phone, no TV, no interaction; gotten drunk, blacked out.

Summer's Over

I had high hopes for June - August.

There were so many things that I wanted to do this summer.

So many things that I have not done.

Gonna try to cram them all into the next couple days.

Are You Playing With Turds?

Someone once told me: "Stop trying to make a turd into a jelly donut.”

Translation:
If a situation is bad, leave it. Don’t try to make it into something it’s not.

I was playing with turds; jobs, people, situations.

Are you playing with turds?

Munchfest

Was depressed today about the whole blow up thing.

So how did I make myself feel better?

* Stay in bed until 3pm with my eye pillow;

* Went to the store for:
- 2 Pack of Swedish Fish
- 1 Pack Pepperidge Farm Cookies
- 2 Laffy Taffy's
- 1 Pack of Gummie Savers
- 1 Liter of Orange Soda
- 1 20oz Cream Soda
- 1 Malta
- 1 Turkey, Cheese, Egg, Mayo Sandwich
- 1 Bottle of Applesauce

Truth

Truth

Weird Thought

Bye Bye, Nice Guy

Ok, so you have a disorder.

I DO TOO!

In no way does the disorder give you license to be a BITCH, ASSHOLE, or an INTENTIONALLY MEAN F*CK!

EVERYDAY I try to be a better human.

* I stay away when pissy;
* I walk away when I'm angry.
* I remain quiet when nearing mania.
* I NEVER snap without provocation.
* I read self -help books.
* I listen to self -help cds.
* I TRY.

What the hell do you do?

How dare you judge me!!!!!!

What is wrong with the world where everyone thinks it's okay to attack personally because they're pissed off?

All my life I have refrained from personal attacks even when attacked myself.

What did I get?

More personal attacks! More references to being crazy, needing meds, having my opinions, thoughts and feelings invalidated.

I think what the world needs is a dose of mean - Butterfly style.

Yes.

UGLY, STUPID, BRAIN DEAD, CLUELESS, FAT, NASTY, ANTI-SOCIAL, JADED, PROMISCUOUS, NO TALENT, WASTE OF SPACE, WASTE OF AIR, GHETTO, OLD, AGED.

How are those?

Do those work for you?

No one is exempt!

How about you're a short, Napoleon complex having weirdo freak?

How about people HATE being around you because you're such a disgruntled SOB?

How about you make me sick to my muthaf*ckin core?!?!

DON'T ATTACK ME!
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!

Wus Honor?

The 5th Commandment:
"Honor Your Father and Mother so that your days may be long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12 NRSV)

What the heck is honor?

- Respect, esteem, concern for, affection, love, consideration, appreciation, nurture, forgiveness; to hold in honor or high respect; revere; show a courteous regard for

What if I am incapable of doing any of this to my mother?

Then what?

Thanks, Vanessa

After the blow up with my family, I returned home feeling drained, frustrated and wanting to swallow pills.

Yes, Butterfly actually thought about taking Seroquel.

It was just entirely too much.

Prior to the blow up, my neighbor invited me to listen to some of her poetry. I really wasn't in the mood, and had every intention on giving a "not today" blow off, but when I returned home, her smiling face soothed me.

I sat in bedroom and listened as she read what seemed like 12 poems.

She smiled, laughed, and was so appreciative of the time I spent with her.

She told me that she's been doing great since her last stint in the hospital, and that she credits my ER pep talk with jump starting her life and the reason she has been stable for so long.

Wow. I made a difference. So why was I feeling so guilty?

My sister called me selfish today for not being as present with my parents and brother as she has been. For a brief moment, I recalled her words and felt that the time I gave to Vanessa, I could have given to my parents or brother.

Oh, heeeeeeeelllllllllll, NO!

I was not going to allow myself to feel guilty for doing what was best for me. Yes, sometimes family does come first, but if I'm not well, I can never help my family. There's a reason why the flight attendants instruct you to secure YOUR oxygen mask FIRST before assisting someone else.

Each day I am in a fight against my mind, my soul, my past, my very being.

How f*cking dare you or anyone judge me!!

No one can judge me. My life is between me AND GOD! PERIOD!

I'm responsible for my life. I'm 30! When I am 35, after taking care of the world, if I have nothing to show for my life, no on will say, "Oh, how sweet, Butterfly sacrificed her life and success for the good of others".

Bullshit!

For anyone who wants to take meds, TAKE THEM, but you don't judge me for choosing not to!

You want to sacrifice your time and be stressed?
DO IT, but don't judge me for choosing to avoid stress like the plague so I'm not a muthf*cking asshole to everyone I encounter!

You want people to treat you like shit and accept less that you deserve, DO IT, but I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING CARE OF ME FIRST!!!!

You want to lay your life down?
GO AHEAD, but I'm NOT a martyr and I refuse to be vilified for not choosing to be.

Family Therapy

My family is dysfunctional.

There are 7 known people with bipolar disorder in my family, but yet we tiptoe around the issue. We won't talk about meds, doctors, and the word "bipolar" because my parents haven't had a conversation with my brother that they should have had 5 years ago!

It's so f*cking stupid!

Well now, certain "names of places" are off limits because it could be a potential trigger for my brother as well.

My family is f*cked up because everyone is so focused on keeping secrets that no one is taking the time to deal with the real issues!

Yeah, yeah, maybe to some extent, every family is dysfunctional. But for me, I'm tired. I wish I could blink it away like Bewitch.

We had a HUGE family blow up today. As many issues that came to the forefront, NONE came to the forefront.

It became painfully clear today that my sister and I have two very different views of our mother.

I can't even be mad.

Our differing experiences with the same woman has shaped our views, opinions and respect.

Well, my sister has been recommending family therapy for some time. My father has also suggested it.

But is everyone ready for what I know?
Is everyone ready to know WHY I dislike my mother so strongly?
Is everyone ready to take a trip 30 years into the past?

Persona Non Grata

I went to work in Friday to pick up my check (nope, the company does not have direct deposit).

Not only was my check short $600, but I was also escorted from the building!

I was told that I am NOT permitted in the building as per the GM, and if I had an issue with it, I should contact the owner.

I tried calling the owner, and he didn't take my call.

F*CK Him!

I'm on vacation until Thursday. I'll let them play their hand.

But, Stay Tuned cuz I'm Burning MAD!!!!

I Did That Already

There’s a saying: "When the Student is Ready, the Teacher Appears.”

Since being diagnosed, I’ve so desired to be a student, to learn, to grow as a woman first, and then to understand and to address my diagnosis, second.

Anyway, Friday on The View, Barbara Walters told the story of a friend who had given her a ring inscribed with the words “I Did That Already.”

The point of the ring was to serve as a reminder that there was no need to run a marathon 8 times unless you WANT to run a marathon 8 times. Meaning, what we choose to do, be and accomplish in our lives should be because we want to do them, and not to prove to others that we can.

For me, my job has wanted me to do sales for a year. In past jobs, I’ve hit sales goals to 110% and 125%. In recent months, I all but conceded to do sales although everything in me did not wan to, but today I know that what I’m doing is right.

I’ve done sales and have done it well. There’s no need to prove to anyone that I can do it.

Been there.
Done that.
I Did That Already

NEXT!

The Overflow

Lisa Nichols speaks a lot about giving from The Overflow.

The Overflow is the excess goodness in your life; excess because you have already done what is necessary to care for you. What remains, is the surplus, the excess, the overflow.

She contends that ensuring that you are happy FIRST; ensuring that you have joy FIRST, is the only way to ensure that you are able to give to someone else. When you give from your overflow, YOU have already been taken care of; YOU do not go without.

She also says negativity works it's way through your overflow FIRST, and then to you; thus, you are slow to anger.

Make sense?

I'm a hot head, and have been a hot head for quite a while. Seems like I need to work on me and on building up my Overflow.

Working on Consistency

Guess what?

This weekend I watched TV, zero exercise, had only one cup of water, zero lemonade and ate.

So, what have I learned?

Not only do I view friend's apartment as a vacation, a retreat, and a getaway, but I also lose all consistency when I'm there.

I'm up til 2am, I wake up around 9:30am, I eat candy, and crap.

Solution:
Recognize the importance of consistency and value the changes that I've made and why I made them.

I think I'll hang out tonight, so I'll have another chance.

Nope, not beating myself up about it; I'm simply going to start again. I'm grateful to start again, but the pressure of another blog was too much, so I've deleted Reclaiming Health.

Respond With Curiousity

I attended a seminar on Monday hosted by Learning Annex entitled Think & Grow Rich: Connecting Your Mind With Your Money.

The speaker pretty much gave a book report on Napoleon Hill's Think & Grow Rich. In the midst of his report, he did make an amazing point- Respond With Curiosity.

He said negative things will happen in our life. We can't prevent it, and because we're human, we get angry and want to react. However, by virtue of the Law of Attraction, reacting negatively will only bring more negativity.

So what do we do?

He suggested Responding with Curiosity; as in "I wonder what made him turn on me?" "I wonder what caused him to sell me out for more money?"

He proffered that when we review situations from a curiosity and research standpoint, we cease from being the victim and the acted upon, and regain control of the situation and our emotions.

I like that.

Let's Talk About Church

The church I attended for quite a while was seemingly everything I needed - great worship, great word, friendly people. I'd even have lunch after the service in their restaurant.

I was trying to find my niche in the church, you know, where I could serve - dance, drama, choir - to no avail. I did feel like becoming a member was too detailed and lengthy a process. Also, serving in any capacity prior to membership was a "prohibited". Anyway, I left before I joined.

Why did I leave?

On February 4, 07, the pastor of the church drew an ALARMING parallel between sin and mental illness during his sermon on Intentional Living.

He used Romans 8:11 as his core verse and stated that The Holy Spirit is supposed to transform you from the inside out. He said Intentional Living is living in psychological and emotional well being.

His ass should've stopped there!

He then said 1 in 4 people are mentally ill and instructed everyone to turn to each other to ask if they were the one that was mentally ill, and had the WHOLE CHURCH LAUGHING!!!

If you're mentally, ill, it's because the Holy Spirit is not in you!

So pastor, why stop with mental illness? Your wife has MS, let’s put hero n the express train to hell, too!

I would have gotten over it and attributed his stupid ignorant ass parallel as a slip of the tongue, being tired or too much cough medicine, but the idiot made the same point over and over!

I left the service very annoyed and in tears.

When I tried to get a copy of the sermon the next day to review it, guess what? They were all taken off the shelves; thereby confirming that he f'ed up!

I gave him the benefit of the doubt the following week and attended hoping for a retraction, apology, anything to allow me to wash away the hurt from the previous week.

Well, the moron reiterated his mentally ill people are sinful stance with emphasis!

I walked out of the service and haven't been back.

Who's suffered!

I have. I miss the fellowship, I miss learning and growing, but I can't return.

I also blame him for me having to start meds at all! I started meds after his dumb-ass statement. I wasn't ready to have my "safe place" be turned into a den of judgment.

I know he's flawed, and that he is but a man who is not without sin, and clearly not without being an ignorant ass, but he never apologized. But then again I never wrote the letter that I said I would. Hmmmm, I guess this letter is a start.

Will I be able to return to that church?

Hopefully one day, but then again, maybe the hurt runs to deep.

Can I ever look at him as someone who has my best interest at heart when he was an ass about something so personal to me?

In the interim, I'll be at another church.

Morning Soon Come - A Poem

At night I can't wait til day
When it's only 3am, I pray...

Morning soon come
When I can smile again.
Morning soon come
When I can turn this page of my life and call it done.
Morning soon come
When I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.
Morning soon come
When I can be totally free to be me.

Back to Basics

1. The Good People

Many of the people who were around me when I was successful, are no longer present. These were the people who supported me, motivated me, encouraged me, gave without expectations, loved without judgment. They were the Nascar road crew that appeared each time I made a pit stop. They got me back in the race faster than I ever could on my own.

The Good People.
They built me up.
I need them around me.
I'm going to find them again.

2. God
I remember I would wake up each morning a 7am while in college and walk the track surrounding the intramural football field. I would walk 5, 10, 15, 30 times. I wasn't walking for exercise, but I would walk until I finished speaking to God. Being fit was a by product.

There are too many people around me that don't reflect God. Too many people around me that hinder and interfere with my God time because of the negativity, judgment, profanity, and ill that they bring.

There was a day when I never cursed, never swore (yes, there is a difference). There was a day when I wasn't this evil being that I am today.

I am confident that I am today who I permitted to be close to me yesterday. The only way to right the wrong, is place distance IMMEDIATELY.

3. Me

When I was successful, being good to me wasn't something I did before an audition, casting or date; it was commonplace. I never sacrificed what brought me joy because of how it would be perceived by others, or because I was too busy trying to fit into a world that would never accept me as I am.

I was Me.
Undiluted Me.
Unapologetic about Me.

I honored my voice.
I respected my opinion.
I never dumbed down.
I never apologized "just cuz".
I valued my creativity.
I had merit.
I recognized my contribution to the world.

I made time for my hair, nails, exercise, therapy, healthy eating, positive relationships, peer groups. Most importantly, I made time for God.

In college, I would wear what others considered weird, and I didn't care.

I would dress that way I wanted, style my hair the way I wanted, paint my nails in black because I wanted to do so.

I danced freely.
Lived Unapologetically.

Somewhere along my journey I abandoned my uniqueness to become a mindless clone; placing my happiness and success in the hands of a soulless world.

I want to return to Me.
I will return to Me.
I am ME!

Me means, doing what I want just because.

- Wigs & weaves cuz I wanna
- Wearing gold and silver cuz I wanna
- Wearing short shorts cuz I wanna
- Showing my legs cuz I wanna
- Loving my body because its mine
- Pink lipstick in the day
- No I don't want a drink
- I'm not interested
- No, cuz I said so

Me is choosing to release hate knowing that God takes personally what happens to me. I can relax, live and love knowing that vengeance belongs to Him.

NEW Blog

8/16/07: I deleted the blog. See, Working on Consistency.



I started another blog to chronicle my physical health.

In the last month, I've developed several physical things that I KNOW are related to stress.

- Diminishing mental health
- Tight muscles and joints
- Acne
- Torn esophagus
- Constipation
- Regurgitation
- Diarrhea
- Eczema
- Possible Fibroid
- Elevated Cholesterol Level

The NEW Blog is Reclaiming Health.

I felt it was easier to post details of my cleansing and fasting somewhere else. It's also linked to this blog under my profile for easier access.

I Gotta Pause

I'm having difficulty turning my brain off. I'm racing again.

Last time I was at this point, I started swallowing Seroquel and Lexapro.

Must-do-something-different.

I'm eliminating voices.

This week:
- NO TV
- NO Newspapers/ Magazines
- NO Music
- NO Phone
- NO Aimless Internet Surfing

I need to strip away things that affect my ability to think and to hear me.

Dumb Group

I joined a bipolar yahoo group on Friday.

I introduced myself to the group and told about myself and linked to this blog.

I get an email from the moderator telling me that she "edited my post so she could delete my blog" and that "I was in violation of her stupid group rules."

Well, kiss my ass! There are other groups! I'm out!

I unsubscribed.

Was it that big of a deal?

I know. Extreme reaction. I'm not mad, but I'm not going back to her dumb group!

Weird Thought

Hmmm
Q: How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine?
A: It's the one with the teeth marks.

Weird Thought

Hmmmm
PMS: Potential Murder Suspect

Letter to Owner

Dear Meat head,

I've made you so much money.
I tried to make you look good.

Everything I did was so that your company would thrive.

In February when I was sick, I told you something so personal; something no one outside my circle knew. I told you that I was bipolar and needed time to get regulated. I told you that I couldn't handle stress, and that I would need to be near a window, and take a break a couple times a day.

You said I should take all the time I needed to get better, and that if ever I feel sick, I should call you directly.

Now, 6 months later, you throw my disorder in my face!? You demonize and vilify me for something I can't control?

You didn't want to pay me for my sick days because you said I used them up, although you know it's not true, and I was sick.

You tell me I'm not durable because I was sick.

I HATE YOU FOR YOUR JUDGMENT!

I HATE YOU FOR NOT PROTECTING ME!

I WISH I COULD WISH MY DISORDER ON YOU TIMES A MILLION!

I didn't choose to have a disorder but you've chosen to be an ASS!

I'm gonna be ok, and you now have liars and thieves to watch your back!

Good riddance to your short, high butt, thinning hair, Carlton dancing, missing side tooth, urkle ASS!

Hmmm
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Bug, Bug EVERYWHERE!

So what's bugging me?

1. Father isn't happy
2. Brother isn't progressing
3. Haven't seen my nieces
4. I want revenge on owner
5. Want a career
6. Want to check into rehab
7. Want to take a break
8. Want more money
9. I want revenge on gm

I know, I know. To think negative thoughts is to have more of them. So says the Law of Attraction.

I need to squash the bugs.

Giving You an Out

I've been acting different lately. I know it.

I feel closer to February's roller coaster than I do to June's serenity.

I'm spacey, sad, easy to cry, easily annoyed. Yup, all February.

I askd someone if they had ever been around anyone that was bipolar. They said no. I didn't say much except that it can be tough.

He asked this morning if I was feeling February-ish. Told him yes. He asked if there was anything he could do (back to men wanting to fix things). Told him not at the moment. I think he expected me to "snap out of it"; or maybe that's in my head.

I don't want him to go away, but he should know that if it gets to be too much, he can walk away. Hell, there's people I want to walk away from right now.

Separate but Equal

This disorder can make you feel so alone.

I know that we all have the same dx (diagnosis), but it affects us differently.

Today, I'm fighting the desire to close the blinds; knowing that the sunlight on this NYC Sunday is good for me.

I've also stopped myself from going under the bed. Stupid isn't it. But it's a safe place.

Days like today I want to draw in to myself, but I know that it's in reaching out that I get better.

Manic Lashout

Meat head said I was insubordinate.

I was clearly manic that day and I own my actions. But he know that's not me. I had to have been triggered.

Whatever. I'd say it again AND spit in his face.

Hmmm.
There are two rules for success when you work with MORONS:
1.) Don't tell all you know.

Student Once Again

Many of my greatest lessons were learned from a teacher.

Several accomplishments were made possible by someone who instilled nuggets of truth and laid fertile soil for my success.

I know I mentioned that I would become a big sister, but I've had a change of heart: I'M the on getting big brothers and sisters; aka mentors.

Yup.

Success has patterns, and people who are successful in their fields, want to share those patterns. I'm gonna give them and opportunity to share, with me!

I want to collect the best practices of all my mentors and swallow them like I swallow my gum :-)

My Homework: Name and contact mentors in the following area by the end of the month.

1. Balance (Inner peace and serenity)
2. Spiritual (Relationship with God)
3. Physical (Fitness and nutrition)
4. Financial (Budgeting and saving)
5. Acting (Agents, work and SAG)
6. Modeling (Commercial, print, hair)
7. PR (Career)

I'm excited!

I attended a free seminar with Raymond Aaron on Monday. I learned the importance of mentoring, and am committed to seeing this project through.

JOKE
Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

The Yogi Lady

I know a yoga instructor. She is one of the most genuinely nice people I know.

On a Monday while at work, she said: "Butterfly, do not put your heart into this job. Follow your bliss."

The following Friday I had my chat with the owner (now called meat head and NOT affectionately) and found out how much of a TRUE jerk he really is.

On Monday we spoke and she said: "You're headed for great things. This time next year, you'll have an Oscar."

On Wednesday, I signed up for an 8 week acting class, and yesterday I got a call for an audition (for which I DID NOT submit) on Sunday.

Is she psychic?

I'm not saying that at all. I am saying that she speaks life and positivity into my world, she motivates me, and great things happen. I'm gonna make her my balance mentor.

Joke
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

How Do You Stop Yourself?

I get it.

I was a bit manic when I posted. (Manic said with a role of the eyes.)

Yup, not matter what happened, some things aren't to be spoken or typed even if they are as constant as paint on the walls of my mind.

Question: How do you stop yourself from getting to "that" point? What's your reality check or your automatic shutoff?

For me, experience and necessity has been the best teacher. There's no teacher like realizing that you're unable to make a phone call because you threw your cell phone out of a window or across a highway.

When you have 10 minutes to leave the house, but can't find a shoe because you wrecked a room in a rage, you learn quickly never to do it again. Moreover, the cleanup after trashing a room is never as sweet as when you trashed it. Why?

I don't have kids, and I've never really blown up in front of a friend or bf, so I can't recall the hurt in their eyes to prevent me from spazzing out, but I do recognize that I need an alarm like the one that beeps when your car is reversing and getting to close to an object.

beep, beeP, beEP, bEEP, BEEP, BUTTERFLY STOP!

Do you know where I can get one, and does it hurt to be installed :-)

Joke
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

Skin Beautiful

I hate that my 30 year old skin doesn't look like my 18 year old skin, so I did something about it. I went to see a dermatologist. He prescribed Tretin X and Clindomycin Phosphate, I should begin to see results in 2 months, at which time I'll begin my microdermabrasion sessions and botox.

Just kidding!

But I feel productive.

Forget what you've been told: self -esteem is greatly improved when you like your face.

I Pull Out My Eyelashes

I know; it's weird right?

But I'm not exactly pulling out my own.

Each morning, I apply individual lashes before applying my makeup. (I love the way they look, and I cut back on using so much mascara. I know, mascara isn't that big a deal, but hey, I don't wanna deal.)

Anyway, I've taken some comfort in rubbing my eyelash line and pulling off the eyelashes in the middle of the night; you know, kinda like a security balnket or teddy bear, but NOT.

How did I figure it out?

Well, one night I pulled a little bit too hard, and the pain woke me up! LMBO!

I was in shock! I laughed at myself and then went back to sleep .... rubbing and plucking.

Joke
Q. How do you know a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There's white out on the screen.

Q: Why was the stupid GM starring at a container of orange juice?
A: Because it said "concentrate".

I Have a Fibroid?

My ob/gyn thinks I have a fibroid.

I'm going to radiologist on the 27th to rule it out.

Whatever.

I'm Per-fekt!

I did a promotion with Sephora 2 weeks ago and got so much free stuff.

I received free stuff form them, free stuff from a new skin care line that wanted me to try it, review it and assit them with their branding, and free stuff from my dermatologist.

Depsite all the free stuff, while at Sephora, I did however, purchase Per-fekt.

I have NEVER felt anything that felt so good on my skin! It's a creme that dries to a powder, no talc, fragrance -free, oil free, and non-transferable (it ain't coming off on your clothes).

Been really obsessive-ish with my face lately, and this makes me feel great about going sans makeup.

Hooray for Richard -the creator whose kinda cute, too.

No More Flip FLops!

I wear heels a lot at work.

Correction: I wear heels a lot; PERIOD.

Well, so far this week, I've bought 2 pairs of flip flops because my feet hurt.

Usually I can wear them all day and all night, but this week I wanted to go barefoot ala Brittney Spears!

I'll be more aware.

JOKE
If you're American when you go into the restroom to pee, and you're American when you come out of the restroom from peeing, what nationality are you "while" you're in the restroom? European!

I'm the Greatest 2

I've worked so hard on me in the last year.

I overcame a deep depression Jan 06 -June 06 by committing to finding a job. I found one, and worked hard, gave my all, and truly tried to learn and grow.

I've journaled, been to church (more on church later), read books, interacted with people who would aid my success, wrote affirmations, started this blog, and distanced myself from toxic people.

I've invested A LOT in myself, and REFUSE to have my self -esteem, self -confidence, and self -worth eroded by a thankless job, negative family, negative friends, negative acquaintences, or significant others.

I'm worth too much, and fixing me came at a hell of a price. I'd sooner cut more ties that have anyone bring me down.

I AM the Greatest!

JOKE
When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

Exit Stage Left

The guy I'm yelled at me.

Don't feel like talking.

I don't do yelling.

You ain't my muthafuckin daddy! I don't care how much I like you, you like me, what you've done, bought, given or that its been 3 blissful months.

Fuck you! Don't bring that shit near me.

Don't ever fuckin yell at me or I'll slit your throat and hang you with your muthafuckin tongue!

No Joke.

Damn the Jokes.

The plan was to keep me upbeat, but I'm kinda angry and don't wanna laugh.

Ok fine. I'll do it anyway.

Joke
Q: how did the chicken cross the street?
A: DEAD and in MY SANDWICH!!!

Manic Monday

I really wished the GM would die today.

I know, I know.

I watch Law & Order so I'm aware that statements like that come back to bite you in the butt as soon as he chokes on his fucking cheese sandwich.

Hey, hasn't everyone at one point or another wished someone would just lay down and breathe their last selfish, evil-to-the-core breath?

Look, I'm not the first, and won't be the last.

I don't want him to die. I realy don't. He has a child and a wife; although they would probably be better off without his adulterous, punk ass, but I am not trying to play God.

I really wanted to scare him, but fear doesn't bring respect.

I'm operating out of a position of feeling powerless. I'm powerless to defend my name, my honor my work ethic. At least that's how I feel.

You might say, why fight the battle, but it's my name.

Was it Tony Soprano that put a gun in someone's mouth?

Can't talk shit now, can you, you cock sucking son of a bitch!

Oh Butterfly! What a potty mouth you have!

Yeah, may all the anguish due him come and cripple his frame. May he think of me at the very moment he writhes in uncontrollable pain, and know that his anguish is because he dared to touch God's anointed.

TAKE THAT!!!

Hell, set all them infidels on fire!

Joke
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

NO!

I'm manic.

I know it, but NO I'm NOT TAKING MEDS!!!

Although I have thought about it, it's simply not the answer for me.

I was covered in hives on Monday and couldn't stop shaking. So, what?

I could have calmed down, but truth is, I didn't try hard enough.

I'm not sleeping on my own any more. So, what?

I'll start with the Valerian Root again tonight; maybe.

This is all happening because I've been stressed.

I hate the GM.
Distrust the owner.
Hate my job.
Hate the new staff.
Feel like I must prove myself.
Want a new job.
Frustrated with looking.
Want more money.
Want a vacation.

I want to set the muthafuckin place on fire!

Take that!!!!!

Hell, I could go on and on, but it'll only bring more shit to me. I have shit cuz I thought and kept dwelling on shit. Yeah, back to the Law of Attraction.

Damn law of attraction.

Please don't ask me about meds. That deal is off the table. I'm NOT taking them. End of Discussion.


Hmmm
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Work Update

I asked for more money and all of a sudden, I'm:
- Not a team player;
- My team doesn't like me;
- I'm not durable;Durable?

WTF does that mean?

That son of a bitch owner told me that he questions my performance because I was out sick in February for a week. Muthafucka I told you why I was sick and you want to throw it in my face?!?!?

Where's the fuckin gasoline when you want it?

Fire Bun Dem!

Apathetic

I wish I didn't care so much.

I work for a company where I give.
I've given.
I've given a lot.

I work at home long after I've left the office, and I network constantly to bring them new business. I have so many ideas on how to make the company better and they know this.

Yet I cant get a response to my FUCKIN 30 PAGE POWERPOINT PRESENTATION?!?!

They don't give a fuck about me and effective immediately, I don't give a fuck either!

(On Friday 8/3/07, I was called to the corporate office to meet with the owner. I'll let you know what's said.)

JOKE
Why are they called "hemorrhoids". They should be called "asteroids"?
(My boss is an asteroid.)

I'm Not Wrong!

They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I just wanted to grow your business and be fucking appreciated!

NOW YOU'LL FEEL MY WRATH!!

Joke/ Truth
When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

I'm Backed Up

I've been composing blogs for the last week; probably have about 10, but haven't been motivated to send.

Gonna try tonight.

Joke:
I've felt so lazy that I hate emptying the trash in the recycle bin on my computer.

Are You handicapped?

Truth be told, I've had a very negative inner dialogue for the last 2 years.

Some of the things I've told myself include:

I'm ugly
I'm too skinny
I'm too short
I don't have enough experience
I don't have a butt or boobs
My accent is an issue
My looks are a problem
I'm weird
I'm bipolar

Trust me, the list does indeed go on.

Remember I told you to get "What Color is Your Parachute"? Well, it's an amazing job hunt reference, but who knew it would affect my self-esteem, too!?!?

Here's an excerpt:
The biggest handicap anyone of us can have is our attitude toward our handicap.

A real handicap means there are some things you can't do. So let's talk about that.

Let's say that there are 4,341 skills in the world. Let's say the average person has 1.341 skills. That's a lot. There are 1,341 things they can do. Well, is the average person handicapped?

Of course. 4,341 minus 1,341 leaves 3,000 things the average person can't do. The average person - no make that everybody - is handicapped.

So, what's so special about your handicap compared with others?

Nothing, unless you're obsessed with being handicapped [and so focused on the things you can't do that you never even try].

Nuff said.

JOKE
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
3. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

Some People Suck!

Like the owner of my company and my resume writer.

I've been waiting since Monday for a response from the owner.

I figured since yesterday was the last day of the month, he'd give a damn and contact me to discuss the details of my proposal, job description and salary increase.

Well, today is August 1st, and I'm no closer to being clear than I was 6 months ago.

So I walked out of work.

Yup.

I've done nothing all week, today included. By 4:30pm, I had had enough, so I gathered my things and left.

Why?

Well, I felt like the company was wasting time. As I see it, people can only waste my time if I allow it, and so i chose NOT to allow it.

I'll be at home tweaking the resume that entrusted to a friend to do. Btw, I'm cancelling her services. I gave her all the info she needed on July 25th. Today was the first conversation we've had since then. Also, her website said $80 for resume and cover letter. She quoted me $95 and then added tax!

Not only does her 8 -day turn around time suck, I can do this shit myself. She ain't better than me!

Best Thing to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
" ... in Jesus' name, Amen."

Okay, one more. Wear this shirt to work.

I Want Mine!

It's crazy.

People whine about things that are well within their power to control and change.

Fix it or accept it, but please, Stop the Whining!

Me included!

I did a 30 -page PowerPoint presentation to tell the owner of my company how to run his business.

Why haven't I done a 30 -page PowerPoint presentation on how to run my life?

Screw being the gracious employee that is satisfied with collective advancement.

I WANT MINE, cuz if I ain't happy, it's a wrap!

And I ain't happy!

Joke:
Useful Work Phrases
1. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
2. I'm easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
3. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

Haapy August!!!

Oh boy, a new month!

What will be the theme for this month?

In June, I ended each post with something I was thankful for. In July, each title was a question. So what will August be?

Hmmmm.

How about jokes?!?!?

I LOVE jokes.

That's what it will be! Each August post will end with a brand new joke. Yeee-hah!

So here's the first one: (These won't always be gross, but I promise they'll be kinda funny, ok?)

QUESTION: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
ANSWER: A Salad Shooter!