Thanks, Vanessa

After the blow up with my family, I returned home feeling drained, frustrated and wanting to swallow pills.

Yes, Butterfly actually thought about taking Seroquel.

It was just entirely too much.

Prior to the blow up, my neighbor invited me to listen to some of her poetry. I really wasn't in the mood, and had every intention on giving a "not today" blow off, but when I returned home, her smiling face soothed me.

I sat in bedroom and listened as she read what seemed like 12 poems.

She smiled, laughed, and was so appreciative of the time I spent with her.

She told me that she's been doing great since her last stint in the hospital, and that she credits my ER pep talk with jump starting her life and the reason she has been stable for so long.

Wow. I made a difference. So why was I feeling so guilty?

My sister called me selfish today for not being as present with my parents and brother as she has been. For a brief moment, I recalled her words and felt that the time I gave to Vanessa, I could have given to my parents or brother.

Oh, heeeeeeeelllllllllll, NO!

I was not going to allow myself to feel guilty for doing what was best for me. Yes, sometimes family does come first, but if I'm not well, I can never help my family. There's a reason why the flight attendants instruct you to secure YOUR oxygen mask FIRST before assisting someone else.

Each day I am in a fight against my mind, my soul, my past, my very being.

How f*cking dare you or anyone judge me!!

No one can judge me. My life is between me AND GOD! PERIOD!

I'm responsible for my life. I'm 30! When I am 35, after taking care of the world, if I have nothing to show for my life, no on will say, "Oh, how sweet, Butterfly sacrificed her life and success for the good of others".

Bullshit!

For anyone who wants to take meds, TAKE THEM, but you don't judge me for choosing not to!

You want to sacrifice your time and be stressed?
DO IT, but don't judge me for choosing to avoid stress like the plague so I'm not a muthf*cking asshole to everyone I encounter!

You want people to treat you like shit and accept less that you deserve, DO IT, but I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING CARE OF ME FIRST!!!!

You want to lay your life down?
GO AHEAD, but I'm NOT a martyr and I refuse to be vilified for not choosing to be.