I Feel Guilty

I'm happy.
I sleep well.

No tantrums.

I'm in a healthy relationship with a good guy.

The owners of my company love me.

I go to work when I want.

My landlord adores me.

2 doggies think I'm great.

I'm not manic or depressed.

So why do I feel guilty?

Well, one main reason: I Haven't Blogged In a While.

Onemeanmutha is my sister, and her blogged touched on an issue that I've kept "out-of-sight, not so successfully out-of-mind" - my brother.

My brother was the first person diagnosed with a mental illness in my family, and it really tore the family apart. There was a rift in the family for a year stemming from his first hospitalization, and the effects are still felt.

He is 6.5 years my Junior, and prior to his diagnosis we lived together. I blamed him for his misbehavior, short attention span, marijuana use, etc. I even moved to another state because I couldn't deal with what I was seeing him "do to himself". I couldn't understand why he just simply couldn't behave himself.

Fast forward to his diagnosis, and I felt like shit.
I should have seen signs.
I should have known.

I should have known that my brother wouldn't purposefully treat me like shit. But at the time it was easier to think that he was going through the "teen years" than that he had a mental illness.

I felt even shittier when our brother-sister bond wasn't enough to make him take his meds. I felt frustrated, betrayed, angry, etc.

I've stayed a way from the situation first because it truly hurts me to see him not at 100%. I realize that I've been placing my hurt, frustration and feelings of helplessness over his need for my support. Although I truly feel I did what I needed to do for me, now that I am stronger, I think it's time for me to reach out to him a bit more.

So I feel guilty about my brother.

I also feel guilty about onemeanmutha.

I just don't get it.

I think the worst part of bipolar disorder is that it quietly robs talented people of their contribution to the world.

I look at my sister and see beauty, health, intelligence and so much to offer the world. When I read that she's not in remission like me, it frustrates me.

How can I make her get better like me?
How can I make my brother better?
Why am I better?

I feel that maybe I should be in the trenches of mania and depression with them instead of going shopping and to spas; kinda makes my rants about GM seem like bullshit.

So how exactly do you support a family member with mental illness when you're afraid to lose yourself again to the same thing?

How do you support anyone for that matter with a mental illness when you're no longer there?

Is how I got better really how I got better?

Yeah, feeling a smidge guilty.

So thankful that I "feel".