THE GREATEST THAT EVER DID
WHATEVER I DECIDE TO DO!
I'm not kidding.
This is the prevailing subliminal thought that seeps into everything I do, and slips out with each person I encounter.
We all saw last week how my superiority "I'm better than you" demon raised its head with the GM. I've gotta fix it.
So, let's start at the beginning.
How did I get this way?
Well, I wasn't spoiled by my parents in the traditional "give her anything she wants" sense. They did tell me I was smart and that I could do and be anything I wanted, but every parent does that.
My mother recently told me that the real reason I only spent a month in kindergarten before being promoted to first grade was NOT primarily because I was performing at 1st grade level, but because I THOUGHT I was smarter than the kindergarten kids, and REFUSED to participate until I was moved!
What!?!
That's exactly what I thought.
Did it start there?
Nopie.
I think these were the ingredients:
4 Parts "Middle-Child-of-5" Syndrome
A 20lb bag of "Severe Allergies"
4 crates of "Excessive Teasing"
Yup.
Middle Child
As a middle child, I was too old to be the youngest, and too young to be the oldest.To be noticed, I had to be the best or worst. I chose to be the best. So I studied harder, cleaned cleaner, and folded clothes better than anyone that ever lived.
Thus, began my OCD with vacuuming. After vacuuming, I could still see "things" on the carpet, so I would get on my hands and knees and pick "things" from the carpet to ensure that it was spotless.
Allergies
I recall as a child that I would try to remember when I was well. I was seemingly always sick; severely allergic to tomato, corn, peanuts and a host of other things. For two years I had a diet of barley and soy. I also had asthma, and was seemingly sick for all my siblings combined.
Excessive Teasing
Because of my allergies, I developed rashes. Hives would swell, I'd scratch, thus a blemish aka spot, aka pox, aka sore, aka raisin. Thus my nick names "two scoops, raisin brand, alligator skin, Sore-y Malory".
Yup, I was teased relentlessly. If my siblings or classmates wanted to get to me, they need only sing the raisin bran jingle: "Two Scoops of Raisins in Kellogg's Raisin Bran. 2 Scoops!"
Yea it would send me into a rage, but I never fought. I internalized it and would dream of a day when everyone would bow down to me like Joseph.
So, to get noticed, I had to be smarter and cleaner than everyone on the planet (I really think this way) in spite of my health.
Yup, I think THATis how it all began.
I am having a love affair with being the best; It's the "when-I-grow-up-I'll-show-you" syndrome.
Only I'm grown, and although this mindset has awarded me many accomplishments, it has a double edged sword that affects me.
I know with my head that I can't be the best at EVERYTHING, but it doesn't stop me from thinking that way.
How do I achieve balance?
How can I stop viewing people as the childhood classmates that teased me because I didn't have the best legs?
How can I stop making every man I encounter fall in love with me just to see if I can, because one boy in 1st grade said I was too ugly to be his girlfriend?
When do I stop subliminally and directly disclosing my resume when people aren't readily aware of and don't readily laud me for my accomplishments?
How do I get to the point where I am happy being the best butterfly instead of the "best-woman-alive-that-ever-was-the-best-at-everything?
When do I stop trying to prove that I'm not the sore-y girl who kids laughed at?
Stay Tuned
Greatful that the desire for a healthy NOW, means more than reliving a hurtful yesterday.
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