Is the Universe Opening Up?

After my chat with the yogi yesterday I decided to order the NYC Modeling Agency Black Book.

My plan is to target my old agencies as well as some new ones, and then to begin modeling once again.

Well AS SOON AS THE ORDER WAS CONFIRMED, I receive and email from a photographer who says he's a friend of the numbnuts aka The Ass who brought a chick to my party last November.

Anyway this photographer has done several book covers, magazine ads, etc, etc. He current project is a book cover involving numbnuts. Numbnuts referred me as the girl to be on the cover with him.

The book will be available everywhere, and Walmart. Lol.

How awesome is that?!

And, yes, it is a paid assignment.

1. I received a "word" from the yogi.
2. I acted by ordering the book.
3. The universe responded by sending me work!

The Secret doesn't lie, y'all.

Anyhoo, lately numbnuts has been very friendly and has sent me LOTS of modeling jobs. I think its he penance.

Whatever.

Viva la Butterfly!

Back to Modeling?

Yesterday while at work a yoga instructor mildly lectured me about not following my passion.

She said that everyone on the job could see that working at my company was far below my expertise and not where I needed to be.

She then encouraged me to define myself. For example, she teaches yoga and ballet, but her passion is singing jazz. She defines herself as a jazz singer that just happens to be an amazing yoga and ballet instructor.

So, how do I define myself?

Am I model that can act and just happens to be amazing with PR?

Am I a writer who just happens to be a great model and actress?

Am I an actress who was a model in the past and just happens to be an amazing writer?

Which came first?

Her answer: Butterfly, follow your bliss.

I like writing.
I like being on the stage.
I like the runway.
i like all things makeup, fashion.
I love television.
I love expression and communication.

There are so many things I can do. How do I pick just one?

Must I pick one?

Where does money come into play? Some of these will make me much more money than the others. Then what?

I think I'll take her to lunch and pick her brain.

Guess What I Did?

I scheduled 3 DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS!!!

For the last couple years I've been afraid to go to doctors because I spent so much time with them in college and post college.

Well, I did it!

On Monday, August 7th, I go to the Ob/Gyn, Dermatologist, and Allergist!

Yay for me!

Part of me dealing with being bipolar is to eliminate the possibility of any other allergies, disorders, etc. Once I've stripped everything away, I can isolate what is the result of being bipolar and what isn't.

Still, I'm not certain what tomorrow will bring relative to my job, so I am getting in all my insurance usage now just in case it takes a bit for me to get started with another.

Go Butterfly, It's Ya Birthday! Go Butterfly, It's Ya Birthday!

NEXT STOP: Oh boy. The DENTIST!

So thankful for a job that provides insurance and that I am able to afford the copay.

Why Can't I Remember.....?

TO WEAR DEODORANT!!!

Thus far Ive bout 2 for work, but KEEP taking them home.

I'm at work and noticed extra sweat. LMBO!

I now have 5 containers of Degree! Geez!

What Does Your Life Look Like…?

In 1 Month:
* Back on track with my spirituality;

* Making the most money of my (traditional)professional career;

* Apartment hunting for Oct 1 move in;

* Happy at work, happy with me

* Working out regularly;

* Drinking more water;

In 6 Months:
* I’ve found a church home;

* I’m saving money and steps toward total debt liquidation;

* I’m in my new apartment;

* I LOVE my job;

* My body is bangin’;

* My skin looks amazing;

In 1 Year:
* I’m active in a church and they value and appreciate my contribution;

* I’m sending my parents on vacation;

* My job adds more perks to my package;

* I’m shopping for a new car;

* I’ve filmed a TV pilot.

What does your life look like in 1 month? 6 Months? 1 Year?

What's Durability?

So, I took Doggie Daddy's advice and spoke to the owners about my significant salary increase.

Well, I didn't just talk to them; I put together a 30 slide PowerPoint presentation outlining my accomplishments, skill sets, the company's problems and a teaser about how I'd fix them, how I would diminish waste, and how I save them lots of mula.

It was received well, and I'll learn if it was accepted tomorrow (Monday).

However, the owner then said: "My concern is that you're not durable."

Wtf does that mean!?!?

He didn't say it in a mean or scolding manner, but I still felt like he was trying to indirectly say something, but what?

I asked him to clarify. Durable sounds like a Ford truck; you know, as in Built Ford Tough. He was gonna have to say a whole lot more before I would let it go.

He started beating around the bush, and saying that what made him successful is that he "worked hard, long and was consistent".

HOLD UP!Ok, so wtf are your saying?

He stopped short of saying what he meant. He really didn't have to. He's the only one that knows I'm bipolar.

I really felt like he wanted to say "I'd give you whatever you want, but you've have issues in the past. How do I know you won't have issues again?"

Damn. Being bipolar raises its head again.

I left feeling sad.

He assured me that I was an important part of his team. Oh well, they either see me as valuable or not. Regardless, I know my worth, and I refuse to settle!

What About the Bodybuilder?

Remember the bodybuilder that was mean to me at work?

So, she had her competition on the 14th. She was trying to get her pro card which I think would allow her to compete professionally and get more money. Well, she placed 14th!

She SUCKED!

And guess why?

Because she was mean to me; I'm convinced!

Right now she looks like Skeletor. Her head is disfigured, she looks like a man, and her skin is crappy!

Am I delighting in this? Naw, just giving you an update. ;-)

Ha Ha! (In my best Bart Simpson voice.)

Is Butterfly Getting a New Job?

So, the guy I'm dating sat me down, (figuratively because we were on the phone) and gave me a good stern talking to about my career.

Yes, I was pouty all the way through (but only because I don't like stern talkings). Anyway, I swear that he is like a real life Dr. Phil -only with a sense of humor and better wardrobe.

But I digress.

So, here's what he told me:

You're selling yourself short. You think it will be tough to find another cushy situation with flexible hours like the one you have and so you've settled and stopped looking.

In reality your situation isn't as cushy as you think because you're doing 4 jobs with the pay of less that 1!

Butterfly, what do you want to do?

I was silent. Truth is, I can do so many things - a gift and (because I haven't learned how to handle it) a curse! I truly can do anything well!

What do you like to do?
I love PR and employee training and company development.

What's important to you?
Hmmmm, I want to have the freedom to be creative and to make things better!

Ok, but Butterfly, there are so many things you can do and make a heck of a lot more money. Hell, you can be an "executive assistant" and start at $75k. In fact, one of my partners is looking for someone right now!

If its about the money, you can be a personal assistant. If it's about what you like to do, then here's your homework.

WTF! He gave me homework!

1. Revise your resume.
Make one resume only for pr and marketing, and another for your training and company development. (I so outsourced this stuff. I have a girl doing it for me.)

2. Start Interviewing.
Contact all the people in your online pr group and schedule exploratory interviews. Not only might something pop up that gives you leverage when negotiating with your current employer, but you'll also get comfortable with the interview process.

3. Figure out how much you want to be paid and go to the owners with that number.
Stay Tuned for more on this one.

He said all that and then said: "This is only so you can be occupied and make money in the interim You're much too spoiled and accustomed to having your own way to work within the traditional job market. Anyway, what you should do is return to TV."

He's right!

What Color is Your Parachute?

No, not The Secret, yeyt again. This book is for those who are ready to finally find their passion and make money doing it.

What Color is Your Parachute- A perfect end of summer read.

What Happens When Enough is Enough?

Well, what's the first sign that I don't give a damn about my work: I'm late.

Yup, not like "I-stopped-for-coffee-on-the-way-in" late, or "their-was-a-sick-passenger-on-the-train-brief-delay" late.

I'm taking about the "I-start-work-at-10-but-made-a-dr-appointment-at-1o-just-cuz-and-the-dr-quadruple-booked-so-I'm-not-getting-there-until-2pm" late.

Today is Wednesday and I haven't done anything noteably productive this week. Oh, I drafted a letter. That's it.

Yup, Butterfly is undermotivated - wait, that's a lie. I ain't got NO motivation! Yup my motivation to go to work is so low that it required that double negative.

So, I'm meeting with the owner tomorrow, and I'm in essence gonna ask for a $15k raise.

Yup, I got balls!

If they do it; GREAT. If not, I'm gonna start interviews with other August 1st.

I'll keep ya posted!

Do You Like the Mets?

I'm going to a Mets game with the guy I'm dating on Friday. He's got a bunch of tickets and I'm gonna experience it with him and eat a hot dog.

He's got some more tickets that Im gonna give to my brother and dad.

Anywhoo, Let's Go Mets!

Why Won't You Pay Up?

So here's the lesson:
Never Give or Loan Money that You Expect to Have Returned.
In May I gave this heifer $50 to get jewelry for me when she went to Central/ South America - one of those places.

A month later I still didn't have SHIT!

She came to me on the 32-ish day to apologize for the delay and to say she'd give me the jewelry & money.

It's 2 1/2 months later, and BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY come the August 3rd pay day!

[Violins On]
Yeah yeah, one could argue that its only $50 and she probably needed the money more that I do.
[Violins Off]

Ok, you may have a point, but its principle. She STOLE money, used it for purposes unintended. That's FRAUD!

FINE, ok, I'll think about it, but I'm still annoyed.

Who's the PUNK, Now?

I did it!

I got angry about being sick and I did something about it. I went to the doctor!

I saw a nice lady doctor who just had a baby named Ian. She was really nice, and I think I'm gonna give her the title of primary care physician.

So she sent in this girl from Senegal who looked SO much like me It was kinda weird. Anyway, I had the EKG and my heart is normal. I did the breath test and my lungs are clear, and I'll have the results of my blood tests by the end of the week!

Yup, I had an injection! Me, Butterfly, willingly let someone put a needle in my arm!

Beyonce sang to me through the whole ordeal (I wore my ipod during the shot to help me relax).

I then saw the gastroenterologist. Seems like I have an esophageal tear. Yup. I feel better but just to be sure, no spicy, acidic or burny type foods/ beverages for a while.

I looked fear in the eyes and came out ALIVE!

Next stop allergist, and could it be: the DENTIST?

Are You Busy?

Well busy doing what?

I bet at least half of your time is spent doing something that doesn't enhance your life in any way.

Take away work, church, kids, eating, sleeping and poo.

What's left?

I bet a big pile of WASTED TIME.

Too often we equate being busy with being productive. They're not synonymous.

I can be busy surfing the Internet for knock knock jokes, but that's not productive.

Hanging out with friends will keep me busy, but is it productive and does it actively contribute to the change I want to see in my life?

My point: When you want change in your life, you've gotta get desperate for it. You've got to want it like you want air.

You want change, don't you?

Well, delete all the things and people that keep you busy, but that aren't productive. Take the new found time and channel it right back into yourself!

The time taken to read a romance novel, walk to get Swedish fish, or have a 5hr long shoot-the-shit conversation could be spent meditating, journaling, reading a self help book, or programing your cell phone to alarm 5 minutes prior to when you should take your meds.

Get desperate about change.

Be the change TODAY that you want to see TOMORROW.

When Are You Gonna Get Angry?

When are you gonna get angry?

Geez!

When are you gonna stop whining and complaining, making excuses and moaning?

When are you gonna stop being the victim and martyr and bitching about how wrong life has been to you?

When are you gonna stop waiting for someone to help you, baby you, pamper you, clean up your mess, dust you off, shine you up and give a damn?

When are you gonna stop making excuses, stop settling for sub par, mediocre and second best?

When are you gonna finish what you start, put forth some effort and actually try to change your life?

Aren't you sick of being sick?
Aren't you sick of being tired?
Aren't you sick of being sick and tired?

Damn!

Don't you remember what your life was like?
Don't you remember being happy, independent and free?

Don't you miss that?

So when the hell are you gonna get ANGRY enough to actually fight to gain it back?

Who the hell do you think you are?

Why should life go easy on you?
Why do you think you shouldn't have to fight?
Why do you think your suffering has been too much?
Why do you need a break?
Why should people feel sorry for you?
Why should we give a damn about you if you're not giving enough of a consistent damn about yourself?

STOP the whining!
STOP the complaining!
STOP the bitching!
STOP the fussing, moaning and crying!

You want you life to change, don't you?

Then do something about it!

Why should YOU have life easy?
Why should YOU receive without effort?

You're not trying, You're LAZY!

You feel your entitled to what you haven't worked for.

Truth is, you're a THIEF! Only thieves want what they don't have.

You're a THIEF!

If you put 1/4 of your bitching, fussing and snotting to feeling better, you probably would!

But here's another truth, I DON'T think you want to feel better because then you won't have an excuse to fall back on.

I can't do it cuz I'm not on meds.
I can't go because my mind is racing.
I can't do it because I have a condition.

He'll, everyone has a muthafuckin condition! You're just a lazy-ass thief!

Yup, I said it, and what!?

I'd say prove me wrong, but you'd probably make an excuse about why you can't.

Its a full moon.
People don't like me.
I can't trust anyone.
I need help.
I need support.
I need someone to monitor my moods.
I'm no good by myself.
I can't do it alone.

UTTER HOGWASH!!!

You know what you are?

A Cottonheadedninnymuggins!
An Excuse-maker!
A P*SSY!

Why don't you a man up?
Stop running from success, responsibility and accountability.

Stop expecting special treatment because you have a condition.

You're not special.

You know what?

You're just gonna be another person to die without having showed the world your creative genius!

Start digging the hole.

This is a letter to me, if it applies to you, then its for you, too.)

What Do You Fear?

For a very long time, I've been afraid of being a fight; not because I thought I'd lose, but because I didn't trust myself to be able to exercise restraint. I truly felt like if I were in a fight, there was a chance that I would kill the person.

HUGE Exhale.

There I said it.

I was captive to that fear. I would avoid confrontation until the very last minute, but by doing so, I brought what I feared even closer to being a reality. By thetime I DID act, I was closer to a 10 on the rage-o-meter than a 1!

So, how do I regain control?

Well, my plan is to take anger management classes as well as self defense or martial arts lessons. Not only will I feel more comfortable about confrontational situations, but I'll be comfortable and confident knowing that I have the tools to ensure that I won't be excessive.

Why am I doing this?

Because this is my life!

Nothing should happen in my life without me knowing.I should know how I will respond in all situations.

It's my life! Why should I be surprised?

What things are you afraid of?
- Talking to a boss;
- Telling a bf/ husband how you feel;
- Leaving an abusive situation;
- Getting a divorce;

The best way to control fear is to take the reigns.

Yeehah!

Who's Controling Who?

This question was awesome for me.

Lisa Nichols asked: Is Your LIFE Controlling You, or Are YOU Controlling Your Life?

Truth is, everyone has a sob story:

No parents
Single parent
Physcial Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Poor
Mental Illness
Physical Illness
Parents mean
Parents worked too much

The list could go on and on.

But damn, when is what has happened to us taken off the table?
When is it no longer part of the negotiation process?

Hi I'm Butterfly and I'm Bipolar. Hell No!

The same asswipe that I'm confessing to is probably a pyromaniac or some kinda weirdo freak!

I'm not gonna be controlled by what has happened to me or by any mental conditions that I have.

Will you?

What Are You Thinking?

Is the conversation in your head, the SAME conversation that you have with other people?

What does this mean?

Well, for me it means that if I want people to believe that I am a Well Adjusted Hot 30 year old Chick, then I can't beat myself up for dreams deferred, pounds gained, acne that pops up, etc; I must think of myself in the same way that I want people to think about me.

It goes back to the "as within, so without" premise. What shows on the outside is a reflection of what's going on in the inside. It's true with food andyour skin, and especialy true for your thoughts and your life.

I can't be a millionaire thinking broke thoughts.
I can't be health with thoughts of disease and dis-ease.
I can't be successful at work with thoughts of failure.

I know that myy inner dialogue is often so different from what I try to sell to people I encounter. My goal over the next couple days is to get my inner dialogue to line up with what I want to see in my life.

Who Is Lisa Nichols?

Well, Lisa Nichols is one of the contributing authors to The Secret.

I attended her Seminar through The Learning Annex on July 11th, and it was awesome!

It's no secret (pun intended) that I am a fan of The Secret, so I'll divide my notes into several blogs; It's entirely too much to put in one.

Wanna Hear a Riddle?

How Many Beverage Cans and Bottles Must one Have Before Being Called Nasty?

I have 23.

Am I Still Bipolar?

It's still a question I've asked several times this summer.

My March and April 2007 are but a distant bad memory; a memory I never think about unless reading other blogs, chatting with family, or if I'm having a challenging day.

I try not to think about it. Being bipolar consumed my thoughts in March and April 2007, and I'm proud that I've been able to move past seeing myself as a diagnosis. To be honest, I am kinda annoyed that I know what the diagnosis is.

As much as I was relieved that there was a term to describe the way I felt and that I now had a community of people who felt as I did for support, I felt it also gave me an "out". By an "out" I mean an excuse. I think opted out of decisions and tasks several times by permitting myself too much time to decide what was bipolar and what was simply me.

Truth is, once you know, you can never un-know.

So, how do I feel?

A little afraid.

It's not as hot in NYC; the sun is setting earlier which means Fall is near and diminished daylight is closer. For me who is seemingly Seasonally Affected, I am not jumping for joy.

To be honest, part of my desire to be closer to the guy I'm dating stems from me knowing that the season is about to change. I feel like I need someone to monitor my behavior. Tough job for him, but hey, he needs me to ensure he doesn't go over 10 on the angri-o-meter. So it should really work.

I still get angry.
I still get sad.
But I have better coping mechanisms, and some people helps me through.

Stay Tuned.

What is My Job?

Well, apart from being sick the entire time in Vegas, I returned to New York even more confused about my role in the company.

On one hand they want me to be the PR Director. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Well honestly, the title probably means more to them than it does to me. To me, the position means I generate free press for the company. It means ensuring that that community views us in a favorable light. It means I do what I do best - network with people, get them to like me, trust me and work with me. Screw the title, let me do that! But "the company isn't large enough to warrant a full time PR Director". Or at least so I am told.

On to the next. They want me to write all the HR manuals - employee handbook, department and training manuals, etc. Not only am I GREAT at it I also enjoy doing it. My brain seems to function in a "best practices sorta way", and that's how I write. With 2 locations and 2 more on the horizon, these manuals are necessary to the success of the company, yet, "the company is not large enough to warrant someone a full time policy writer."

And finally, corporate sales. Yup, they want me to shmooze with the local corporation heads, get in there so they will love me and subsequently write a check to my company each month. They want me to do this because I am great at it, and most importantly, it generates revenue NOW.

But each one of these can be a full time position requiring full time pay!

What do I want to do?

Only A (PR)
A and B (PR and company manuals)
Only B (Company Manuals)

I hate selling shit!
I hate asking for money.

But you know what? They're expecting this of me because this is what I have ALLOWED them to expect. I haven't set the parameters around which I am willing to work on a take it or leave it basis.

I love the company, but I must be compensated. They STILL haven't approved my compensation structure that was supposed to be effective JULY 1ST!!!

This is the shit that irks my nerves.

Changes are gonna come tomorrow! WATCH!

Is Michael Vick Lower Than a Dog?

HELL YEAH!!!!

What an Idiotic Moron!!!!
On Tuesday, July 17, 2007 Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Michael Vick was federally indicted on charges of operating a dogfighting ring (called Bad News Kennelz) out of a home he owned in Virginia. He is also charged with breeding and training the pit-bulls to fight. When the home was searched 66 dogs were seized, as well as "materials commonly used in dogfighting." Additionally, the remains of several dogs were found buried in the backyard of the home. Court Documents indicate that dogs who lost fights were put to death by drowning, strangulation, electrocution, hanging or shooting. If you believe Mr. Vick has abused his position as a public figure and role model and would like to see him suspended from the Falcons until his guilt or innocense can be determined in a court of law, please sign this petition.

What Kinda Soul Am I?

Thanks Amanda. I love quizzes, too.

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can. War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace. You are a good mediator and a true negotiator. Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy. While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental. You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take. On the flip side, you've got a great sense of humor and wit. You're always diplomatic and able to give good advice. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Are There Airplane Don'ts?

Oh hell yeah!

1. DON'T file your nails and have your germy nail dust blowing in my eyes and nose.

2. If you're tall, BOOK AN AISLE SEAT so I won't have your knees in my back!

3. Guess what? YOUR seat back is MY tray table. LEAN EASY cuz if you spill my drink on my laptop, its on!

4. CARRY GUM, candy or mints if you're gonna sleep on the plane. Ain't nothin worse that rows and friggin rows of morning breath! Pop a mint!

5. EAT before boarding....if you can't chew quietly. What the hell is wrong with your smacking ass mouth!?!?

6. Don't ask for my raisins, pretzels, or box of cereal. NO, you can't have them!

7. FLIP your hair one more time, and you'll find Nair in it. I don't need your dandruff or lice!

8. GET UP! No, I won't squeeze past your elephant knees to get to the bathroom!

9. PICK A DRINK! Coffee, tea, soda or juice! Geez. This ain't Starbucks, no Carmel machiatos here!

10. LOWER Your Volume....Or I'll flush your Ipod down the toilet!

What's Wrong With My Stomach?

So, I've been in Vegas since Sunday, and my stomach has been somewhere else since Saturday .

Why?

Well, the stomach and esophagus I have aren't mine.

I had dinner at 10:30pm Friday night. Nothing crazy - rice, chicken, broccoli, and an interesting cranberry sauce with pineapple.

I was awake at 3am convinced that a gremlin was climbing out of my stomach and scratching my esophagus. I thought I ate too much, so I made my self throw up. The result- my chest burned like i drank alcohol and then set my throat and chest on fire!

Since Saturday I have taken liquid Mylanta straight to the head. I've swallowed more tums and pepto pills than I can count. I've also had at least a case of ginger ale with extra ginger thrown in.

Everything I eat makes me bloat or makes my throat burn.

TMI Alert:
No, its not #2. I think its acid reflux.

So when does this end!?! On one hand this non-eating is certain to assist me with slimming down, but the discomfort is too unbearable for words.

Needless to say no desserts, steak or lobster on my all expense paid trip to the adult playground.

Headed to ER. :-(

Guess Who's Getting a Sibling?

Yup, I'm getting a brother and sister!

Not from my parents, silly. I might become a big brother and sister, so we're gonna go after he moves, and get paired up with a youngin!

Hooray!

I know what you're thinking: "Butterfly you don't like kids." You're right. But these kids need me, so I'll put my impatience aside for them.

Look who's growing: ME!

Where Do People Get Off?

Ok, so my older sister is married to a man with 3 brothers.

One of those brothers is my age -30.

I met this brother at my sister's wedding about 7 years ago. I'll admit, everyone pairing us together at the wedding was cute, and I loved the attention. We had a lot in common, but we kinda played into it by going jet skiing together, doing karaoke, etc.

After the wedding stuff, we stayed in touch and became pretty close. Then things went wrong.

I told him that I liked him in a "hey-we're-so-cool-maybe-we-should-explore-more" kinda way.

This sum-ma-ma-bitch, didn't even acknowledge what I said!

He just ignored me; ME!

The butterfly is NEVER ignored; and yes, I said it loud enough for him to hear.

He was on some "I-wanna-learn-Spanish" bullshit, and was trying to get closer to God, so I left him alone. He'd IM me in Spanish occasionally, but I kept the conversation superficial.

So three 3 weeks ago he calls me to tell me that he's at JFK- the New York airport.

AND, WHAT?

He said that he had alay over and needed a place to stay.

Word, son?

At the time of his call, I was headed to Keihls. I told "the brother" that I'd get back to him, but as it happened, my phone died, and guess what? No charger!

Yeah, I was still miffed at his slight years earlier, but it ain't my responsibility to house no dude who slighted me especially at the last mofo minute!

I guess he worked it out.

Last weekend he did the same thing AGAIN! Only he left a message. I didn't call him back.

What kinda arse doesn't plan a trip all the way through?

Traveling without proper accommodations isn't cute at 30; in fact it's down right asinine!

Today I got an email from him asking if I'm OK and that it seems like I'm pulling away from everyone. "I don't want to bother you, but just want to make sure you're OK."

WORD. Do you really care or do you want a muthafuckin place to stay yet AGAIN ?

Hell, I slept at one of my jobs for 6 months because my trifling aunt would put the safety latch on the door (accessible only from inside) to keep me out.

SUCK IT UP OR GO HOME!!!!

Hell, I'm not gonna have some 'nutha dude staying with me and I have a man! And no, you can't stay there without me!

Butterfly out!

Guess Who's Going on a Trip?!

Hmmm, where do I begin?

Well, on Wednesday I wanted to write an ANGRY post about the owner.

See, back in February he told me that I would be going on a company trip. Well, the trip happens this Monday, and as of this past Monday, I had heard nothing, zip, zero, nada, goose egg.!

Everyone was walking around talking about the trip making me GREEN with envy. When I could no longer ignore, I adopted the pissy sour grapes stance in my head of "Vegas is really hot this time of year."

I was so angry! He promised! Well, he didn't exactly promise, but he gave a 99% sure hint!

Well, on Monday, I took some time to put it in perspective and release the stress and pent up envy. Maybe I'll speak with the owner, but my feelings were much to hurt. I was embarrassed and was whining that if he didn't think my performance was “trip worthy”, then why am I still with the company?

Yup, I can really through a tantrum.

I really felt that asking him anything about the trip was beneath me. Truth is, I probably would've cried and been a big emotional sop.

One of the trip people was gloating about it today and asked if I was going. I told her I didn't know because no had mentioned it. Apparently this got back to the owner, and he called me at 9:30pm tonight.

I'm going on the trip!

He asked why I didn't call him. I told him I was "just so focused on work."

Yeah right.

I leave Sunday and return Thursday, but guess what?

I'M TAKING MY LAPTOP SO I CAN BLOG!

Hooray!

Guess Where Negativity Could Go?

To HELL!

I posted a sign in a frame on my desk that states: "This is a Negativity FREE Zone. No Whining Today. Come Back Tomorrow."

Yup!

Today marked the first day of "Operation Flower". Basically, I've decided to give myself flowers every Monday. Not only are they pretty, but they cheer me up and ensure that I have a sunflower-y kinda day.

Want An Update on Work?

I've decided to concede and allow the GM to be the head honcho.

I mind my business and have refrained from saving the world.

Yup, the "S" is off of my chest.

I'm gonna chill out, and be genuinely kind, and not to take everything so seriously. The result: Bliss. I love my job once again, the GM and I chat several times a day, and it's not "work".

I'm being a "good girl", and it feels great!

Ahhhhhh. :-)

How Do I Juggle My Worlds?

I have Several Worlds:
Me in my skin
Me & God
Work people
Family
Modeling buddies
Acting Associates
High School friends
College Friends
Public Relations
NY Friends
Friends in other states

Lately the only worlds that have been getting any attention are "me in my skin" and "work". I just haven't learned, figured out, whatever , exactly how to juggle all of those blasted worlds.

To be honest, well, I can't escape me, so the "me in my skin" world is a keeper.

Next, I go where I am ginormously happy;

Last, I kinda have to go to work. (Yes I have to because I don't like the alternative).

That's it.

There are friends I haven't seen or spoken to in quite a while. Not for lack of desire, but if I'm honest. I'll admit that seeing them and talking to them are not high on my list of priorities.

WAIT, now before I'm crucified, let me be clear. I just feel the need to be alone right now. I feel like I only have energy to do and to be the bear minimum. I don't have the energy for shoot the shit conversations. It's not that I'm not interested, its just that my head is full, really full.

Should I try to, you know, preserve the friendship?

Yeah, maybe I'll set an alarm to call people, but then I've gotta listen to at least 20 minutes of them talking, and quite honestly, I don't want to hear it. I have so much that I am doing, so much that I need to do and so much that I'm fighting to get done, that 20 minutes where I am not doing something to make me better or make me feel better seems like a waste.

Yeah, yeah I know its not a waste because I am "maintaining relationships with people who care about me", but honestly, the first 5 months of this year, were so bloody exhausting, tahat I realy need a break from everyone's self-esteem.

I need to be replenished.

Keeping to myself and being around people that makes me happy is the only way I know
how.

So, some worlds are gonna drop.

Hope they bounce.

Who's the Crazy Chick?

So I'm taking your advice.

I am leaving the body building chick alone. She wants to get a rise out of me, and I refuse to let her.

It's not just that she's a non-person, I'm gonna kill her with kindness whenever she's around me.

She wants me totreat her differently - to ignore her, not be cordial and to be mean.

I won't!

Ha ha!

Why Should I Fahgetaboutit?

The body building chick left me a message on Friday stating that I should have some integrity and that if I had something to say to her, I should say it in her face.

She closed her message with "I won't be so nice next time."

So you now what I'm thinking: wtf, are you gonna do about it?!Either drop out of the competition or find the money!I don't give. Rats ass about you or your feelings!

A coworker told me she's gone 2 months without carbs and is probably on steroids.

It concerns me only because people on steroids are aggressive at times. I was gonna pick up from brass knuckles, but it would be premeditated when I laid her out. LMBO!

So I'm going in to work, and hoping she stays away from me because there is really nothing keeping me from calling her a man faced, fake boob having, follow the leader death looking cracked out whore!

Do I Have an "S" on My Chest?!?!?

So there's this girl at work who is also a body builder.

I wasn't a fan of hers when we met initially, but we evolved. We became friendly, have conversations about The Secret, and I even bought her a couple books. I've made cd's of meditation music etc for her, and she me. So for all intents and purposes, I guess we were friends.

On June 9th she participated in a swimsuit contest and won. The planners (who I work with) stated the winner would receive $500. She won. Her plan was to use the money toward a $800 body building swimsuit for her competition next week.

Its July 5th, she hasn't received the money to date.

I had a tough day, and before this bitch says hi, she asked if while I was meeting withthe owner, if I asked about her money.

I said no. I was in a heated meeting and she was not on my mind.

Her reply: You know what butterfly, sometimes I feel that your friendliness isn't genuine."

WHAT?!?!

Really?

Word?

Well, how's this: "I don't want you exposed to my unfriendly ass, so stay the fuck away from me."

This is the same chick who told me that any unwanted attention I get from men is my fault for dressing the way I do.

Oh no she didn't!

Yes she did!

She's a fucking morman with breast implants that parades on a stage in a thong, but her swimsuits are for "sport", mine as a model are "slutty"?

Kiss my ass with your man faced scunt!

You know what?

I'm not even angry any more. She just another chick who's insecure with herself, and jealous of everything that makes me, me.

Do I care to speak 2 her again?

Not even a smidge. Her role in my life is over.

How Do You Define a Good Employee?

Arrive on time?
Arrive early, stay late?
Friendly?
Does above and beyond the call of duty?
Makes the company money?
Loyal?

Honestly, all arrogance and bitchiness aside, I am one of the most loyal people in my company. I've affected every part of the company- from HR and staff training to saving money and PR.

I made the company $40k without trying last month, and here's what I got in return:
- My bonus was deferred without notice or explanation;
- Being told that I am not a team player;
- Being told that I have poor follow through;

So here's what happens effective immediately:
- I work 8 hour days with 1 being GONE for lunch;
- I mind my fuckin business. If there's a spill; oh well. Phone cheaper with Verizon; tuff tit!

I ain't doing a muthafuckin thing extra!

Screw em. For so long I've been a part of that world. From now on they're a part of MY world!

I don't need this shit!

There's a culture of delay, no and poor communication in the company, and the onus CANNOT be on me to resolve it.

I think so many people go to jobs afraid to make waves because they don't want to get fired. Well when you have other revenue streams, you can say "fuck the job!"

I'm 30, I'm me, and I sure as hell don't need to be anywhere I am not appreciated- home, relationship, and sure as hell not work.

With that said, yes, I am on the market looking for a new place were I'll be appreciated.

In the words of Ash, Butterfly out.

How Do You Calm Down?

Here's my issue:

I takes me a looooong time to get to a "10" on the Pissed-o-meter, but once I've reached that "10", it takes me a FOREVER to calm down.

The owner and I had a heated conversation today at 1pm. Okay, so it wasn't crazy heated, but he said somethings that I didn't like.

So, why was I still trying to calm down at 5:30?

I didn't eat Swedish fish, but I did get an amaretto sour; I thought the alcohol would help me relax because it usually makes me sleep.

No go. I was charged and ready to fight.

I tried breathing exercises and listening to The Secret. Perhaps if I had more time I would have been more successful.

Anyway, I stayed silent in my meeting with him, averted direct eye contact and tried to hold my tongue.

When I did speak, my voice trembled, and I made myself leave to get water. Yeah, Houston, we do have a problem.

Why do I have such an emotional response to everything?

Why does it take me so long to calm down?

Why does the slightest infraction cause me to over react to the nth degree?

There's seemingly no in-between with me - it's black or white, up or down, you are for me or against me.

Hmmm. Been thinking about going back to therapy. Maybe I should?

Don't You OWE Me Money?!

If there is anything I hate, it's asking for money!

I hate raffles, I hate sales, I hate loaning people money, etc.

I don't even ask people I date for money. After the initial telling, they should just know what I need and give it to me. (Of course people forget from time to time, but exceptions are made.)

For example, when whomever I'm dating asks me what I'm doing for the day and I reply "hair, mani and pedi", his next question should be (and has always been) "how much do you need to get it all done plus tip."

He's awesome, but that's another post.

So, I gave a girl $50 to bring me jewelry from another country.

I did this on May 17th. Why is it July 5th and I haven't received jewelry or my money back?

I brought this up to the guy I'm dating this morning, and he said that if she's a decent person, she feels worse than I do.

Damn, he's always right.

The girl came to me today and apologized for the delay in getting the jewelry to me. She even said some of the things were so inexpensive that she'll give them to me as a gift AND give me my money back!

Hmmmm, she was already tarred, feathered and crucified in my brain, and now I feel like a big ole meany.

Wait, no. She should have came to me. She deserve to be punished...in my brain.

What's With THAT Ring?

So speaking of engagement rings, what's with the friendship rings that I keep seeing?

I'm referring to the minute size of the engagement rings that I keep seeing.

Would I purchase a glitter -sized diamond for myself?

Hell NO!

So, why the hell would I permit someone to present me with a ring I can't see?

Again, this isn't life for everyone, but for the Butterfly, friendship rings will NEVER get you a "yes".

Well, its the thought that counts, right?

Really?

Well, how about thinking about me a little bit more, saving the 3 months pay and getting me something that doesn't scream "6th grade do-you-like-me-circle-yes-or-no"!

How Was Your Fourth?

Mine was spent sleeping.

I got up early and bought some fruit; ate and went to sleep.

Went motorcycle riding for a bit, went to a street fair and had funnel cake and a gross-ass crepe, then went back to sleep.

I did view the fireworks, but truthfully, it was unimpressive. By the time you're 30, you've seen at least 60 firework displays. Unless they're writing names, making birds, airplanes or an image of Barney, it's just loud noises, bright lights and smoke.

There were a couple smilie faces, hearts and cubes, but that was it.

July 4th: one of two days a year when Americas are friendly. The other being Christmas.

Do Women Date Their Daddy?

I've heard it said several times that women date men with attributes similar to their father. Do you find that to be true with you?

It is for me...repeatedly.

My Daddy:
- Funny
- Excellent Provider
- Spoiled me
- Explosive temper

90% of the Guys I've Dated
- Funny
- Excellent Provider
- Spoiled me
- Explosive temper

Let's focus on the last one - explosive temper.

EVERY guy I've ever dated had an explosive temper. I'm not talking "temper" the way every man gets mad and wants to break things. I'm talking about EXPLOSIVE!

3 of them are registered as weapons in NY state.
4 had court ordered anger management
1 has mandatory 6 months in jail with another infraction.

ALL except 1 has done martial arts for over 20 years.

Hmmm.

They've never been violent to me, ever. In fact they treat me with cotton gloves; but are explosive when pissed off.

I saw it with the Italian and saw it with the guy I'm dating last Saturday. Can't tell you what he did or you'd no longer be a fan, but trust that I am not afraid of him, in any danger, and he's already in anger management.

Hmmmm.

Is 7 Times TOO Much?

On Friday, I saw Chicago - the musical; his 1st, my 7th!

So, do you think 7 is too much? LMBO!

I mentioned to the guy I'm kinda dating how much I loved Chicago. The result: 3rd row, center tickets to my Chicago, as my birthday present!

It was amazing, and starred Lisa Rinna as Roxie, and her husband Harry Hamlin as Billy Flynn.

It was a warm night in NYC, and we had an amazing time.

However, the highlight of the show for me was seeing my favorite Broadway actress as Velma Kelly for the 7th time - Brenda Braxton!



Apart from being a phenomenal actress, she has an amazing voice and dances like she floats on air.

I really thought she was looking at me throughout the performance. I made myself believe that she remembered me from my prior 6 visits. I was convince that she felt the kinship, and that if ever she needed an understudy, she'd recommend me. :-)

Well, at the end of the show, she throws roses into the audience, and the VERY FIRST ROSE SHE THREW, she threw it to ME!

How awesome is that?!?!?!

I think I'm headed to Broadway!

(P.S. To my horror, the guy I'm dating left my rose where his dog chewed it! I forgive her.)

Happy July!

Yee-hah!

It's July. We're officially in Summer.

I spent all of June ending posts with what I am thankful for. This month, I'm asking questions Cary Bradshaw style.

Happy July!

Lets do somethinf fun, and enjoy!