Monday Laugh

This is hugely hilarious. I needed a Monday Laugh. Enjoy one on me!

DON'T CLICK THE COMMENT

This loser posted a comment that tried to infect my computer!
Don't click it! It will appear as follows:
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Fenrisar has left a new comment on your post "I Wanna Go Home":

See here or here .
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Hye, Fenrisar, May Itchy, Itchy Pitchforks stick you in your bum! LMBO!

Cleaning Out

Hubby and I are readying the house to be out on the market.

This house will be a week of cleaning house, cutting back, trimming the fat, giving stuff away, and making some necessary home repairs.

I am SOOOOOO excited!!!!

Nothing pleases me more than cleaning (than maybe doing laundry, oh and giving ala Oprah's Big Give).

I love it, and this week, we're laying tiles, replacing bathroom faucets, adding a supa-dupa shower head, painting and cleaning the carpets!

Can you feel my excitement?

I'm gonna post some before and after shots, ok.

Giving Feels Good

Anyway, in the last couple weeks we've given away lots of tools, a billion Lego's, clothes, linens, etc. But the best give away was to a man named Richard.

Hubby and I had two wheel chairs and a pair of crutches at the house from his dad. We weren't using them, so I placed an ad on craigslist.

We had several responses, but there was something about this man's reply that made me contact him. I found out that he helps people who are paralyzed.

In addition to running errands, he had raised money in the past for stair lifts, and would use our wheelchairs for Iraq War Veterans!

How cool is that?!?!

He's gonna come to the house on Monday to pick up some other things that the families could use.

Giving feels good.

Cellphone Transitions

I have 3 alarm clocks, yet I sleep with my cellphone. It's a horrible habit.

I tell myself that I use the cellphone as an alarm clock, but the truth is that when I can't sleep, or when I roll over in the middle of the night, I can check my email or read the news until I fall asleep again.

I'm gonna plug in the alarm clock, and use it.

I also think I'll get a watch. I'm too dependent on my cellphone throughout the day for the time. Geez!

What kind of watch?

I dunno. I've always heard that Tag Heuer watches are nice for women. I think Rolexes are more of a man watch or a status watch for women.

Who am I kidding, this is so not a major priority for me. I would need something with a changeable wristband, like a Technomarine watch. Then I'd probably spend an extra 10 minutes of my day trying to decide if I should use the red wristband as an accent, or to use pink and the new black. LOL!

Gonna baby step toward placing some distance between myself and the cell phone.

I Wanna Go Home

Home for me is the Caribbean, and right now, I am missing it BADLY!

I'm thinking about going next month, but definitely before July, and this time, I' gonna do all the tourist-y things.

Snorkeling, hikes and nature walks, tours, etc.

I wanna lay on the beach and get a tan, read a book under a coconut tree and enjoy beautiful clear water.

I think being home willbe relaxing for me. How could sunshine-y weather NOT be a good thing?

I heard that there are disposable cameras that will allow you to take pics under water. Maybe I'll get one of those.

I took these pictures with my sprint Treo the last time I was at home.

Fun Times - The Evolution of Dance

Unleash the Beast ...Called Nausea

Hubby and I decided to go back on meds.

SHOCKER, I know.

With one month shy of a full year off meds, we jointly decided to buy some time.

We had both been experiencing an increase in symptoms. Fortunatley for us, when I was manic, he was depressed and when I was depressed, he was manic; so we were able to pull each other out of the funky funk funk of depression.

For me, we decided that I would take only the Lexapro (10mg) every day for 5 days, then every other day, then a 1/2 every other day, until I no longer took it. (No Seroquel.)

Why?

We have A LOT going on - court, home sale, career, etc. They all require that we focus on them simultaneously. We recognized that we fell behind in a lot of areas, and with our p-docs/ t-docs supervision, we're going to use the medicine to play catch up. Our careers, lives and finances depend on our ability to be focused. Once we've cleared the emergencies, we'll ween it out of our system.

Am I ashamed to have gone back on meds?

Not at all. There's no honor in having your life fall apart when a tiny pill can buy you some time to get it together. Lexapro bought me some time. Elavil bought my husband some time.

We came up with the weening, and our docs said it was a great plan for a med-commit-phobic couple.

With that said, the house is filled with PEPPERMINT! I was nauseous 10 MINUTES AFTER I TOOK IT!

Brain is clear, gotta grab a mint.

I'll keep ya posted.

Mrs. Midas

I haven't spoken about my career in while.

Not sure if I mentioned it, but I'm an actress and model. Okay, moving on.

I get castings each day. Castings are basically jobs that I can submit for. I have been TERRIBLE with responding to the castings. I'm backed up...WAY BACKED UP on my submissions.

Part of my delay is a racy mind, but much of it stems from my fear of success (yes, success) and from feeling that I'm not ready because of my body; hence, increased ED (eating disorder) issues.

But here's the thing: I have been casted after EVERY submission!

I have done a major movie AND just got a call that I am going to do a national cooking show!

Hip Hip Hooray for me!

So, why can't I see that I am good enough and keep submitting?

Amanda left self reflection in my comments recently. She said she once asked the question, why do I hate myself so much.

Why do I hate myself so much?
Why do I NOT see myself as good enough?

Damn, do you have this many issues because I sure as hell feel like I'm one big ball of screw up.

Maybe that's the issue. Amanda eluded to it. I need to love me. Amanda Rocks!

Thanks to Robin Pellegrini and Rebecca Anderson for the image.

Anger and Control

I have a lot of anger about a lot of different stuff.

I've heard that anger is the result of feeling out of control. It's true. I want to control people and make them do what I want them to do. I want to control situations so they have the outcome that I want.

Clearly, I didn't complete "Such is Life 101".

But who is my anger affecting? Me.

So how do I get rid of my anger?

Well, T-Doc is away for the week, and hubby is big on my learning to cope without the aid of a doc, meds, or him, so I'm gonna have to try. I think I need to distance myself from what angers me. Well, lately it's more or a who that a what.

I've got a laundry list of people that evoke rage and/or disgust: Ex's, Former friends, Judges, Marshals (more on that later), etc.

So here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna distance myself from all of them with no remorse. I'll adopt a que sera sera/ whatever attitude. I'm going cold turkey with what I CAN control. Everything else will fall into place as it does.

So I'm blotting out every memory of any one that has irked me, could irk me or might irk me.

Last Monday I spent 20 minutes throwing up because I got so angry. That was followed by 2 hours in the dark and in the fetal position because of a severe migraine.

Guess what? The people that made me mad, went on with their day.

I need to preserve my peace.

Calgon take me away.. or at least get me a cushy foam mattress.

Bipolar's Bad Wrap

***MALE SQUEAMY ALERT***
Sometimes it's the simple things that we forget.

Dreamwriter reminded me of the simple things with a comment on my "A Question" post:We are woman and we are hormonal ... sometimes it is not all bipolar, Ya know?

EUREKA!

It just so happens that my cycle is due! Last month when I got wacky, it was also a week before my cycle began. I'm no Sherlock, but I think the two are related.

I've been so preoccupied with finding OTHER root causes for physical issues, that I completely ignored that there could be OTHER root causes for my emotional issues.

(The concentration issues are still there, but we'll tackle these babies one at a time).

Not EVERYTHING is a result of bipolar disorder.

So simple, but damn, oh so deep.

Thanks Dream.

A Question

What is it about bipolar disorder that makes it the moment of depression or mania seem like the end of the world, but when it pasts, you wonder why you were so worked up?

Where Am I?

My head is simultaneously racing and in a fog.

I type this on my blackberry while sitting in the car and looking at the house.

The house represents disorder for me right now; work to be done. There are things inside that need to be completed and there is food.

I'm having a tough time with the eating disorder thing. I try to convince myself that I have it under control, but I know I don't. Every chance I get I have a tape measure around my waste or I'm turning sideways to see how much of my stomach pokes out or walking to see if my thighs touch.

My skinny jeans are looser around the waist. I like that, but exercise wasn't the catalyst. It was really colonics, repeated sweats in the sauna and barely there eating.

T-doc told me to journal. Blogging kinda is.

Hubby is my other 1/2; better 1/2. How is it that he loves me thicker, yet I want to be smaller for him?

Butterfly, what are you doing?

I'm doing the lemonade diet aka master cleanse.

Why?

My skin isn't as clear as I want it. Toxins are what has me looking and feeling like this. Get rid of the toxins and I'll feel better, right? But I spend so much time purging, sweating, and watching what I eat that I'm not getting anything done.

I'm still in the car.

Hubby loves me as I am.
I need to love me as I am.

I know I'm not fat. With the exception of 2 inches, I'm almost back to work standards.

Then paranoia starts. I feel like some people are waiting for me to crack just so they can say "I told you so!" WHATEVER! I don't need to be on meds just because you are!

I don't like not having friends, but I like not listening to b*tchin a whole lot more than not having friends.

Then comes the law of attraction. To think negative is to get more of it.

Can’t do this right now.

I’m going in.

I Was the Other Woman

About 3 times.

Great men, married 6+ years, with whom I had GREAT conversations.

Attraction lead to our meetings, but each relationship progressed because we would talk soooooooo much. We had a lot in common. They were all great men.

What married women fail to understand is MEN LIE. Period. People lie to get what they want or a chance to explore if someone is what they need.

I was lied to. With "Guy A", I had zeroreasons to suspect a wife. With as much time as we spent together, there was no way a wife was allowing that!

There were never excuses, never "only late night meetings", or "can't see you's". None of that. We discussed marriage, and I was convinced that I had found my "the one".

It wasn't a Ricky Lake episode where I missed all the signs, either.

I found out when the wife called me.

My world was crushed.

We spoke soooo much. How did he NOT find an opportunity to tell me that he was MARRIED?!?!?!?

I think I had a bipolar blackout. I had too many emotions bubbling to think clearly and what followed was an anger, hatred, frustration, hurt and confusion-filled haze.

But I still felt love. Yes, still love.

Love doesn't have a switch. If the love was earnest, you're still in love with the lover that shattered your love, long after all is revealed.

"Well, the love was based on a lie, so it couldn't be real and therefore easy to walk away from." Ludicrous. The love was real. Every moment was real when we were together.

I chose to end it.

Before your applause, know that although the "physical" aspect of the relationship ended, their were still very open emotional wounds. The man who was my best friend had hurt me, and as twisted as it seems, I turned to him to help fix it.

I hated him, but getting a "why" helped me heal.

Maybe I knew that the hatred and hurt would consume me if I didn't forgive, but began to understand his state of mind.

I understood how a "good" man who married because it "seemed like the right thing to do" could grow apart from him wife.

I understood how not having ideal situations at home would keep you at work with opportunities to meet me.

I understood how the one place where he didn't have the reality of his sucky life was with me.

I even understood how he subconsciously wished his wife would find out and they could have an amicable divorce without me ever finding out because he was too spineless to take a stand.

I didn't excuse it, but I understood.

When the wife called me, she didn't say "Butterfly, I'm sorry to inform you, but your boyfriend is my husband." Noooooooo. She said, "You, sl*t, b*tch! I'll come to your job, you home wrecking wh*re!"

She assumed my guilt; assumed that I knew about her and intentionally set out to "break up her happy home". She was mean to me.

So with each call I took from her apologetic husband STILL professing his love for me, I laughed at her. She deserved her sorrow! I was JUSTIFIED!

What!? How could I say such a thing?

She didn't care that I was hurting, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna care about her. She won. She had the man! She was going to torture him just to the point before he would leave her for good. Why did she need to keep calling, me?

Each time there was an issue in their marriage, I was to blame, and she would call me again and again and again.

Other woman or not, I got tired of it. I needed healing, too. I didn't ask for this just like she didn't. So each call was an opportunity for me to exact my frustration and hurt on her, but also to hurt her for being mean to me.

Mean. I know. But, she made it easy for me to be mean.

Ultimately, I forgave him (and all the others). I realized that we could never be friends. Too much had happened. Also, by continuing our conversations, they still had what made them lie in the first place - the emotional connection to me. They were still cheating because ever so often despite my desire to move forward, they still brought up a "remember when".

My parting advice to them: If she's worth it, go home, apologize, accept being in the dog house and work like mad to regain her trust. If she's not, forget about waiting until the kids graduate. Man up, get a divorce.

At present: 1 divorce, 1 separation, 1 reconciliation.

The divorced guy realized that he didn't/ couldn't be with her.
The separated guy is taking time to figure out what he wants.
The guy that reconciled realized that he didn't try hard enough.

My point: It was never about me, but about the state of their marriages.

Never shared this before. Just venting, I guess.

Preserve Your Sexy

***POTENTIALLY CONTROVERSIAL ALERT***
Married men are still men. Men like women; good looking women.

When men cheat, they never go for Gilda the lunch lady or Janice the geriatric librarian. They go for Svetlana the Russian model, Renee the 23 year old English au pair, or Kelly their smokin hot executive assistant from Detroit.

What's my point?

Too many women stop being sexy as soon as they wed. They trade in stilettos for Keds, minis for mom jeans and contacts for glasses. They stop working out, stop wearing makeup and become the very definition of everything that turns their husbands OFF. Likewise, men fail to be emotionally available to their wives.

IMHO, there is a fundamental difference between the sexes:
Men marry women and hope that they NEVER change.
Women marry women and hope that they WILL change!
When men cheat once, it's usually all about the sexual chemistry. For chronic cheaters (with multiple women) it's about sex. It grows into an affair when he receives the validation of being a man that he isn't getting at home. A man may or may not have sex with a women with whom he develops and emotional connection.

Women (in my opinion) rarely cheat for sex. They usually do it because the person listened to them or made them feel sexy. It seems to starts emotional first.

Anyway, WAIT! I am not blaming Spitz-wife's appearance on the reason why he cheated. I'm not using appearance as an excuse for cheating at all. Cheating is unacceptable even if a man is whuppin your butt!

What am I saying?

Well, I think women/ wives should be HOT! First for themselves (it’ll make you feel great); but also for your husband. (The same applies to husbands. Be sexy and attentive to your wives.)

Will being sexy STOP men from cheating? Absolutely not. After all, Eric Benet cheated on Halle Berry and she is as gorgeous as it gets. (But he was a nympho.) A jerk is a jerk, but sexy breeds intimacy and intimacy is an integral part of a relationship; it’s glue. Without glue, the marriage will come undone.

IMHO, "sexy" is placed on the back burner in marriages. The intimacy that brought two people together will be the intimacy that keeps them together. Intimacy need not be ONLY sex, it could be communication. All too often, life clutters the view so that the decline in intimacy goes unnoticed.

“Be sexy” isn’t the end all be all, but it’s the complaint that I hear most often.

There's a lot that taints my viewpoint. Life has been different for me.

Stay Tuned: I Was the Other Woman.

More on Spitz

I love that I get to share my thoughts. I love that you all take the time to reply to my posts.

With that said, I got a couple looooong responses to my Stop Whining, Start Living post, and I LOVED them.

I'm gonna try to clarify my thoughts in two posts. After reading it and based on how my week has been, I think I was a bit racy when I wrote.

First, I wasn't siding with Schlesinger as much as I was proffering an alternate angle to the situation.

Obviously Spitz is a selfish jerk for disrespecting his wife and family, and for being so arrogant that he felt he wouldn't get caught.

So, let's go to the day, week, month, year before the news broke. What was their marriage like?

Everything could have been wonderful! Or, it could have been marred by indiscretion, arguments, physical abuse, boredom, zero intimacy. Even if it wasn't perfect, that wasn't reason for his cheating.

Hmmm, where was I going with this?

Oh, if his actions were so deplorable, why the heck did she stand by his side? What to try to work it out now, after the shit hit the fan?

Gimmie a break! Why do people -men and women- wait until their marriages publicly crumble to do something about it?

What am I faulting Spitz's wife for?

I fault her for standing at his side in support after he disrespected her with a $5k whore. I fault her for not paying closer attention to finances. Yeah, $5k may be $5 to them, but he spent $80k on this chick. He took $80k that could be used for his children and invested them in a tramp! How/ why did you not notice?

Don't tell me there weren't clues.

I fault her for selling out. What she really wanted to do was set him on fire! Or maybe like many other women she likes playing the "victim-I-can't-do-anything-about-it-as-long-as-he-takes-care-of-the-girls role".

What did she do? She plays the "noble governor's wife" role for the sake of who? Him? I'm disgusted!

How about using public affair is grounds for divorce, get rid of him, collect the alimony and child support and get another man?

Gimmie a break!

I can only imagine how low her self -esteem has sunk. And then to see that chick that he “requested” is a babe; I would need to be propped on a stick in order to stand at my husband’s side.

Stay Tuned: Preserve Your Sexy

1:38am

I am still awake.

I think I'm gonna go to the gym.

What's my motivation?

Flat abs and looking as good as I did 1 year ago.

No saying it's right, just saying what's in my head.

Mom and Pop

Hubby's parents are deceased. His dad died last year, and his mom died in 2001.

Is this weird?

Hmmm, there's no way to say this on a bed of pillows. Hmmm, I guess the reason that I feel the need to place what I'm about to say on a bed of pillows may point to me feeling that it is weird.

I enjoy sitting at their grave site.

I read there. I play in the dirt, and I talk to them. I NEVER thought I would be THIS person who would do this, but it works.

I told T-doc about this, and she said it was OK; it is simply my way of finding peace sometimes. Hmmmm

Anger Management

I need it ... badly!

I HATE than anyone can control me to the point that I blow up and want to bash their windshield with a baseball bat!

T-Doc said I needed to write and get this out, so I guess the blogosphere is elected to read it.

I saw the bitch today (aka my aunt). She's part of an ongoing case. I wanted to choke her with the car club. I wanted to spit in her face and punch her in the stomach. I ran to my car after our session in chambers because I wasn't confident that I would try to punch her in her breasts, kick her in the shins, rake my nails down her arms, or pull her wig off. I simply wanted to cause her pain.

There. I got it out.

I'm craving a lobster tail. I had one last night and it was so good.

Anyway, you know what I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND!?!?!?!
I HATE when someone asks how I feel and I reply with rage like above, and then the dumb f*cksbastards, reply with: "Well, what would that solve?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

How about you go away right now before you are on the receiving end of my wrath and then you get to SEE firsthand exactly how great I feel after!

Aaaaah!

Anyway, I need anger management. T-Doc is gonna help me.

T-Doc -Rock or Roll?

Two sessions in and I really like her.

I walked in pouty, irritable, wanting to be sucky and missing hubby. I left smiling, up beat and focused.

AND THEN SHE SAID IT: "I'd like you to consider starting the medication again."

WHAT?!?!? You traitor! How dare you? We were going so well!

Ok, so I added the dramatics for effect. It was more like: "I understand why you think I should take them, but that's not an option for me right now. However, I will discuss it with hubby."

I've been having some trouble lately (more on that later), and I love her commitment to helping me without being pushy.

Wrap Me Up

I forgot to tell you that while I was at the spa I also did a tight and tone body wrap.

You're guaranteed to lose 6-20 inches per wrap. Well yeah, you're gonna sweat, so much of it is water weight, I guess. But the herbs that the wraps are soaked in are supposed to help you melt protein around fat cells and liquefy them so you can pee them out later (or at least I think that's the way it should work.)

Anyhoo, I was wrapped in ace bandages. 2 per leg, hips, stomach 1 per arm and 1 per side of chest/ breast.

I lost about 7 inches total which sucked. I wanted to lose more, but I guess you can't lose fat you don't have. Oh well.

It felt good, but you know what I'm thinking?

Yup, I can buy my own ace bandages and mummify myself and go lay in a sauna! Like duh!

It was ok. Not at all theraputic. Ok, I won't purchase ace bandages because I know that it would be hella over-the-top on the eating disorder scale, so I'll fall back. (I don't believe me. You shouldn't either.)

Note to Self: I'm proud of you. Go walking in the morning.

5:27pm

I'm heading out. Gonna take a walk.

It's bright outside, and I think it will be good for me.

Gonna let you know how it went, ok.

6:45.

It was awesome!

I did 4,045 steps! The sun was out, the air was fresh, and I felt good that I was doing something for me. Of course I vowed to do this everyday because it felt so good.

Cheer me on as I try to walk yet again tomorrow!

It's Raining STUFF!

I have about 150 cookbooks, more linens that I have beds, pillow cases without their siblings, and 19 too many screw drivers.

I have clothes and shoes I've never worn, Johnston and Murphy style briefcases and lap top bags, and about a trillion ga-zillion Legos!

They've gotta go. All of it!

I have EVERY movie ticket stub for every movie I've ever went to! That's nuts!

Is there really sentimental value in them?
NO.

So why am I keeping them?
I'm a HOARDER!

Oh yeah, it;s ending today. I went to Uhaul earlier today and got 10 boxes. I also set up an appointment with the Vietnam Vets and Salvation Army!

I'm on my way to Living Simple! Hooray!

Trading Places

I'm really trying. If there is one thing that has been consistent with me through my bipolar challenges is an earnest desire to improve not only my mood, but my life as a whole.

Lately I've noticed that I've been trading unhealthy outlets. For example, instead of overeating or under eating, I purchase "must read" books.

If I'm not purchasing books, then I've gotta buy something. There are so many things to buy! Have you noticed that? There's so much stuff everywhere!

Western society is so empty. We place so much emphasis on stuff. I so wanna scale down.

But I digress.

I am trying to be aware of when I might be trading one addiction for another. I am very self -aware. Maybe to the point of being what society calls narcissistic, but if I'm happy (and hubby is happy) I could care less about labels!

Stop Whining, Start Living

As wonderful as my hubby is, sometimes he tells me to "SUCK IT UP!"

As affectionately as he can say it, he reminds me that sometimes I simply need to stop whining, and to be a big girl.

At some point everyone's gonna have to stop blaming parents, a sucky childhoods, illness and relationships for sucky life.

Harsh isn't it?

Actually, it's truth.

I was watching the Today show as they discussed New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and his prostitution ring. Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that his wife was partly to blame. She proffered that "good men" do not stray from "good women" unless they are nymphos, weirdos, nuts or jerks.

She then said that Spitzer's wife should ask herself if she was being the affectionate, passionate, sexy, loving wife that her husband wanted and needed.

If she could honestly answer "yes", then she was a fool to be at his side. If her answer was no, then she should own her 1/2 of the marital decay.

The hosts of Today were not pleased, but I agree with Schlesinger 100%.

So many women want amazing men, men who will love and respect them, but they pick sh*t losers.

Or they want great men, but are in fact damaged goods themselves.

Why should a first class man want a coach chick?
Why should a kobe beef man want some 2 week old lunch meat?

Go, Laura Schlesinger for going against the grain and speaking the truth, instead of being watered down!

Her new book is Stop Whining, Start Living.

Introducing the New T-Doc

Yup, I have a new one.

Hubby suggested it, and started with one, too. Eventually we'll do couples counseling, but for now we each have 1 hour/ weeke to work on and talk with a t-doc.

My first session was on Saturday, and it went really well. She has a great personality, and is friendly, and of all my t-docs, after one session, she's in the running for being the best.

We spoke a lot about things happening in my life, where I am right now, and what I want, my marriage, etc. It went well.

Between the colonics, and the therapy happen, I feel like I had a blissful couple days at a spa; far cry from me wanting to get to some rest in a rehab or some mental illness and addiction treatment .

Life is good for me right now. Lots of hiccups and ups and downs, but I truly can’t complain.

Easy vs Good

I've been really trying to focus on what is good rather than what is easy.

My eating habits suck. I go for the quick and easy food instead of what is healthy and good for me.

I first heard this easy vs good concept while watching Oprah, and have tried to apply it to every area of my life. It is tough, but I am trying.

With my alternative therapies, many of them don't taste good, feel good or reside within my comfort zone, but I'm trying. I just think that I'm better than taking the easy way out all the time.

Could I pop pills? Absolutely, but I haven't exhausted the alternative therapies at my disposal.

I do want to lose weight, but I want to do it in a way that is healthy. I could take some diet pills, but that doesn't contribute to my strength, endurance, stamina, etc. Still, the pills won't help my eating disorder issues. In fact, it may actually fuel them.

So, I'm gonna continue to do what is good, not necessarily what is easy, one day at a time.

We're Rollin Out

You'd be hard pressed to get through a news broadcast without hearing about the mortgage crisis in America.

Well, I find the whole thing really interesting, and in addition to my real estate studies, I've been following it a lot.

With all the foreclosures, it's definitely a buyers market. Yet, despite the number of houses banks must now try to get rid of, they are still giving mortgages. Why?

Because their criteria for giving loans haven't changed. If you meet the credit requirements, you can get a financing from a bank or mortgage lenders.

So those are the people we're targeting as purchasers of our home. We've done our homework, and our house will be on the market by the end of the week, and we'll be closer to our cross country RV journey. HOORAY!

We have a 3 floor house, finished basement, bay window and skylight. But it's so much to clean for two people. We want to downsize to a 2 bedroom, ranch -style apartment. We'd save more money, contribute to our simplicity and allow us to invest our money elsewhere.

So, we're excited.

Simplicity

Is just a meditation of my heart
Pure and conscious thought
Be overstanding and be smart
Listen to the children speak the word
And shine the light in the dark

Simplicity me use to survive
Many find it difficult because they ignorant and die
Simplicity me use to survive
Do what you doing properly...that's the way through life
Simplicity By Sizzla
These words kinda represent where I am in my life right now. The Western way of life revolves around excess, to gather and to have stuff; lots of stuff whether you're using it and wearing it or not.

There are people in our neighborhood in need of the clothes, shoes, dvd players or curtains collecting dust in our home, and so we're gonna give big Oprah-style!

So hubby and I are seeking simplicity. We are downsizing in as many ways as possible. Our plan is to get rid of everything that we aren't using, put the rest in storage, and then take a cross country road trip in one of those RV travel trailers thingys.

I love driving, and so does my husband, so it's perfect!

All duplicates go! Anything we haven't used in 6 montnhs, GONE!

We're gonna make it hapen. But first, we're selling our house. Stay tuned!

Stupid Ipod!

I'm trying....HARD.

I do pretty good most days. When I'm good, I'm GREAT. When I'm Bad, I'm a HELLION!

I need to get a new Ipod. I bought the Ipod mini when they first came out. They were later discontinued because THEY SUCK!

I bought it 3 years ago, and it works great when connected to the in-car charger. I really do get to drive to all my favorite tunes. But then I try to get on the treadmill and it has the life of a 98 year old man!

I was so ready to workout and then POOF, it shuts off. GEEEEEZ!

So I threw it across the room. It was early in the morning, so no one really saw my tantrum. (Thank God! I was so ashamed later.)

Note to self: get an Ipod from craigslist with some Bose headphones. I can't justify paying $200 for a brand new one, and the shuffle thing is such a tease.

Spring/ Summer is coming. I need to go walking, and I sure as heck can't do it with a old geezer of an Ipod!

Sleep Tight

NO, it's too expensive!

Hubby and I are going back and forth on getting a new bed.

In my quest to rule out root causes of symptoms, hubby wants us to get a Temperpedic bed.

These beds are $7,000 and that doesn't even include the warranty!

Heck NO!

Hubby seems to think that our sleep is worth the money. I'd like to say that I was able to convince him to let it go, but I can't. So I'm trying to find some alternatives. We do know that we want a memory foam mattress. We simply need to decide on what brand and how much to spend.

For $7,000, the bed needs to make itself, wash it's own linens, always smell like lavender and be fresh-outta-the-dryer warm!

Ikky, Ikky, Yuk, Yuk!

Have you seen this?

It's an ionic foot spa. Have you seen the ionic foot pads on TV; you stick it on the bottom of your foot and it turns black or some other color?

Well if you're like me you thought this was totally bullsh*t a scam. I, too thought it was gross when I saw it on TV.

So, following my colonic on Thursday, I tried this ionic spa aka aqua chi thingy. My understanding of it is that the body has positive ions. A negative ion thingy that looks like a halogen bulb is placed in the water. Over a 30 minute period, the positive ions in my body (which includes the toxins) would be drawn to the negative ion in the water.

Ok, I really haven't read up on it a whole lot, but it was pretty shocking, gross and down right horrifying to see my water turn orange, then brown, and then dark brown with black flakes!

IKKKKKY!

Each color corresponds to a toxin. When the water turned orange it was drawing out the toxins in my joints. Ironically, the negative ion thingy leans toward the left side of the spa, and I have had pain in my right knee. Hmmm.

The black flakes were the toxins being cleansed from my liver.

LIVER! WHAT?

Liver as in the Lexapro and Seraquel I took have been living in my liver?

Get it out at once!

It was a dirty ikky sight. It could be a Houdini trick, but what appeared in the water totally got my attention.

So, Next Stop: The Bed.

Dirty Words - GROSS ALERT!

Colonics: Please be gentle. Lol!

It's every heterosexual male's dirty word. If they've had one, they never talk about it. It's a taboo subject.

Well, on Wednesday I had the first of 4 sessions. I had a 2nd on Thursday, and then one on Saturday.

Why?

Well, I wanted to rule out a cruddy colon as the cause of some symptoms.

What symptoms?

Fatigue
Depression
Anxiety
Gas
Acne
Poor Concentration
Weight Gain
Cramping
Bloating
Irritability
Insomnia

Yeah, yeah, these symptoms could all be associated with my bipolar disorder, but then again they could be the result of a cruddy colon.

So do clean it out or pop a pill that could cause liver damage, nausea, stuffy head, nose bleed, hemorrhoids, indigestion and facial hair? LMBO!

I'm cleaning it out!

Btw, if ever you're gonna do a colonic. Opt for the open machine. With this one, the practitioner isn't in the room with you for the entire session. You also can poo "go" right into the machine as opposed to getting up and running like mad to the bathroom like the old fashion machine.

You won't smell anything during the procedure, it doesn't hurt and it's good for you. Imagine how much poo crud is in you!

Next Stop: Aqua Chi

Meds, and then what?

I once read a book called the Mcdonaldization of Society. It basically highlighted that the globe is becoming more focused on immediate gratification and satisfaction.

The emergence of the microwave, minute meals, crazy diets, plastic surgery and of course meds, evidences this fact.

As many of you know I stopped taking meds last April. The side effects sucked. As one who doesn't normally take meds, swallowing tiny pills capable of knocking me out for 12 hours simply couldn't be healthy (at least in my mind). So I stopped.

My withdrawal was killer, so if you're gonna stop, be advise that it totally sucks.

Anyway, I've started exploring alternative medicine and therapy to manage my symptoms. For example, I've tried Valerian Root to help me sleep, and greatly reduced stress in my life.

Lost track of my point, but I think it was along the lines of: popping pills is easy, but is it good?

I didn't want to be a pill popper when I had time to explore other options. So my March 2008 is all about alternative therapies.

First up Colonics.

Whatever Dude!

Hi. Don't have much to say other than, I feel pretty good today.

I got a lot of house cleaning done and had some great chats with hubby.

I guess the picture is a big "WHATEVER DUDE" to anything I don't want to do. It took me a year to get to the point of being so happy with myself. If you don't believe me, read last March's posts.

Sunshiny-ness

Amanda mentioned that the SAD days were over, but I so didn't get it!

This Sunday daylight savings is in effect! Hooray!

Yes, the SAD (aka Seasonal Affective Disorder) days are over!

I am excited because I have been struggling to get up in the morning.

Tah-dah - It's here!

The Whole Friend Thing

Like really, what is it about?

Hubby thinks I've bought into the American "Sex & The City" concept of friendship because I feel a smidgen guilty when I'm not in consistent contact with people labeled friends.

I've never have consistent friendships. My friendships have always been ones of proximity, convenience, or utility. Not good, right?

Well, says who?

I look at my older sister and all of her mom, wife, and chick groups. I think they're cool, and would like to have those sometimes, but I am so NOT the "be-around-me-all-the-time, call-you-all-the-time" person.

I think when I did it, I did it because it was expected, not necessarily what I wanted to do.

Yeah, there is something to be said about doing things that you don't want to do merely because they will sustain a relationship.

But why?

I don't wanna; especially now that I'm married. My husband is my best friend. I talk to him. Why would I talk to someone else when I can talk to him?

I'm rambling. Hmmm.

I also think that people are going through withdrawal right now. They're so used my "act" that now that I'm "me", they're not liking it.

I am happy with me right now. Very happy being unapologetically, married, me.

Damn it feels good.

God Gave Me a Break

Last March when I really felt like I was losing my mind, I prayed for a break. I thought the break would be found in a rehab ala Brittney Spears. My break actually came in the form of my husband.

He is the very definition of the man my heart knew, but lips couldn't articulate. He is my absolute best friend and the most amazing human being I have ever met.

He challenges me, supports me, scolds me when necessary, makes me laugh and is an absolute joy every single day of my life.

He takes great care of me. He ensures that I eat, work out, get enough rest, and ensures that I'm not too hard on myself.

I haven't worked since November '07, and he has motivated me to return to acting.

He gave me a wonderful Valentine's Gift - a Mercedes Benz C300!

That's great, but not as great as the Valentine's Day card he gave me yesterday. The last line of the poem (he wrote it) was "everyday with you is a Happy Valentines."

He is the best. I am so grateful to God.

Me vs You

In the last 2 months, I've manage to piss off/ anger/ upset/ hurt/ alienate 3 people.

At random moments in the day, I think about words spoken, question my tone, ponder what I would have done differently, and whether or not apologies are in order.

You know what?

I started this year wanting to be my most authentic self. I was sick and tired of being the person everyone expected me to be. Quite frankly, I think "acting" contributed to my difficulty in managing my bipolar disorder.

Did I hurt feelings? Yes, but I spoke my mind. I've heard it said that depression is anger turned inward. Much of my depression came from biting my tongue. I've stopped doing so, and I am feeling a lot more true to myself.

Was I harsh? Yes, but at that point in my life, I used the tools that I had. I thought about what I wanted to say to each person for a while, and then I said it. Sure, some things could have been sugar coated, but why? I chose me.

Life is about growing, learning, changing evolving. In a month, I may feel differently, but right now I am proud of myself and proud to be living authentically me for the first time in my life.