Funny Pictures
Guess who's getting a whuppin'.

While trying to bag my groceries, this cashier damn near licked her palm to retrive the bag!

"No thank you, really, I'll do it. Attend to the next customer, NASTY!"

Oh Boy - OCPD?

There's something called OCPD?

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by a chronic preoccupation with rules, orderliness, and control.

Did you know this?

Individuals with OCPD are rigid perfectionists who believe there is one right way to do things, and any other way is wrong. They will do anything to avoid making an error, which means they have trouble making decisions, since they might make the wrong choices; completing tasks, because the final product might not be perfect; and delegating responsibility, as the persons to whom they assign tasks might not do them perfectly.

Oh, brother!

They come off as judgmental, inflexible, emotionally withholding, stubborn, and lacking in generosity. These qualities, of course, can have devastating effects on personal and workplace relationships.

Do I add this to the list, too?!

Geez!

While OCD is an anxiety disorder, OCPD is a personality disorder in which seemingly compulsive behavior comes from the perfectionism and rigidity of the person with OCPD, not as a way to alleviate the anxiety caused by obsessions; a better name for the syndrome might be perfectionistic personality disorder.

Most importantly, the person with OCD recognizes that his or her thoughts and behaviors are irrational and excessive. The person with OCPD, believing his or her way of life to be correct, doesn’t perceive a problem and often doesn’t seek help until or unless someone forces the issue.

You've got to be kidding me!

I may be able to ignore that I have bipolar disorder, but OCPD so mirrors me, it might as well be named Butterfly!

See the criteria here.

Let's Stay Together Part 1

Periodically I browse the Internet for stuff on bipolar disorder.

These are a couple sites that I go to:
Suite 101
Psychology Today
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
SMART Recovery
BP MagazineEquilibrium - Th Bipolar Foundation
(I'll post them in the margin so you can always access them.)

Anyway, I stumbled across the page of Dr. Nassie Ghaemi who says that in his clinical practice, the divorce rate for people with bipolar disorder is 90%!

What!?

Ok, when the national average is 50%, 90 is pretty bad, but there were so many unanswered questions.

The main one for me is: which came first: marriage or diagnosis?

I've always been very utopic in my thinking of marriage; truly believing that love conquers all, and if true love was there from the start, the couple would find their way to happier times.

Maybe this only applies to my bubblegum world.

Despite seeing examples of why marriage sucks all around me, I've always felt that I was stronger and better as a "we" instead of a "dating me"; not in the low self-esteem way, but in the "I-hate-dating-and-want-to-be-with-one-dude" way.

I once had a 2 hour IM chat with my brother in-law about how he knew he wanted to get married. Like every other man I've ever polled, my brother-in-law responded with: "You just know."

Oh, thanks clearing that up for me! NOT

When I was in college I dated a football player (who is soooo trying to return to my life; but that's the next blog.) I just KNEW we'd be married when I was 24. First child at 26, second at 28.

Our wedding wouldn't be traditional. Instead we'd get married on a beach in my home town; bridesmaids in sun dressed and the groomsmen in wedding shirts.

I was already planning in my head, and then he threw a monkey wrench in MY plan with our break up.

Since then I've been waiting for the "you just know" feeling, but it's never been quite right.

Hmmm.

I'm not gonna focus on the doc's stat. Just gonna focus on being the best me for my he who is due to come along any day.

The best me means staying away from stress, being knowledgeable about bipolar disorder and how it affects me, and giving myself the best opportunity to succeed... LIKE MOVING TO MARYLAND!!!!!!

HOORAY!

By Accident

Do you remember Krissy Taylor?

I do.

She was the sister of American "supermodel" Niki Taylor. She modeled quite a bit as well until she died.

I've always remembered her because she died around the time I was having A LOT of trouble with my asthma.

I used inhalers a lot that year, and recall purchasing a Primatene Mist. Reports state that she too had asthma. While experiencing congestion and shortness of breath she purchased and used a Primatene Mist inhaler.

Well, the epinephrine in the OTC inhaler caused a cardiac arrhythmia and she died.

Why am I thinking about this?

Well, who knew that an inhaler could have caused her death?

What other seemingly harmless things can cause death?

I've been taking a diruetic, fat burner and herbal laxative; all with the intent of cleansing, but of course to lose weight.

Could the combination be fatal?

It's weird how I won't take any bip meds but will swallow 10 horse pills a day if it'll make me skinny-er.

Can you tell that my prioroties are definitely in the right place?

I'm going to the doctor on Monday; need to know what affect these have on me; if any. I read up on these products prior to using them, but another check up can't hurt.

Whether bip meds or a Miracle burn, at least read up on whatever product you're gonna use.

Under the Influence

There was a point in my life when I knew nothing about drugs and alcohol.

Truth is, when I was in high school, I visited other high schools as a peer counselor, and was lauded for my anti-drugs/ alcohol/ violence/ pregnancy speeches.

I'm certain that this "perfect child" pedestal I was placed on contributed greatly to the pressures I have today; but I digress.

Is it that I simply grew up, and as I did I was exposed to things like drugs?

How is it that I know SO MANY PEOPLE for whom smoking weed is commonplace; part of daily activity?

Brush teeth, take bath, check voicemail, smoke some weed.

I know professionals, like head of companies and households, that smoke weed EVERYDAY!

It's around me so much, that I'm having issues determining if weed is bad (as I've always thought) or simply matter of choice.

I did it about 3 times. Once as a trial and I fell asleep. The other 2 times I did it intentionally to fall asleep.

I only stopped smoking becasue I was afraid my addictive personality would take over and I'd end up in a facility for drug rehabilitation

I guess I'm a hypocrite.

Hence, added frustration that makes me long for Maryland and the quiet necessary to balance my "ought" and my "actual".

I'm My Uncle's Niece

My uncle died in May.

Recently, I was at his house and realized that OCD just may be hereditary. LOL!

My uncle has an entire draw full of... PENS!

Ok, this doesn't seem like a big deal, but imagine a desk drawer, FULL of the SAME PEN!

It was hilarious to see; especially because I have a pen -hmmm, fetish, maybe.

I can only write with a blue Bic pen.
I won't permit anyone else to use them.

If I loan one, I standby like guards at the Federal Reserve to get it back! LMBO!!

I miss him, but his OCD lives on in me.

So Much Stuff!

Isn't it amazing how much stuff you accumulate in an apartment?

I'm packing and realizing that from December (when I moved into my apartment) until now, I've acquired so much stuff!

Ok, it's possibly a lot more than most would keep. I think my OCD also makes me into a packrat.

I have A LOT of magazines.

I'll go through them tonight, but I know what will happen - I'll tear out the pages that I simply must read and therefore can't toss.

Therein in lies the dilema. I won't toss anything because I truly believe I'll need it or want it in the future.

I think I'll have a flea market type sale in my building or use craigslist.

On my list of get-rid-ables:
(2) Four Foot Steel Candle Holders
makeup mirrors
1 Jewelry Case
5 Jewelry Boxes
7 Boxes of Cinammon Incense
3 Tape Measures
At least 25 Books

And Then What?

There's so much I want to share; so much has happened.

Here's some advice from the Butterfly: WRITE A WILL.

The last month has really showed me the importance of a will; filed will.

Like many other people, I, too thought wills were for the seriously wealthy.

WRONG!

If you have anything of value, especially houses, land, cars, jewelry, 401k, stocks, bonds, etc, YOU NEED A WILL.

You'd be surprised at the "fine print" laws in some states that would prevent your intended party from inheriting your estate.

Studies have shown that people with bipolar disorder focus so much on their mental health, that they often neglect their physical health and finances.

It's true for me.

I've since wrote my will. I'm having it filed in Maryland and NYC. Even if I only have lots and lots of shoes, shouldn't I be able to leave those shoes to whomever I want?

I've also looked into life insurance no exam. Many insurance companies require you to have a full exam before you enroll. Being bip means I'll be disqualified.

True, I don't have any kids, and I'm not directly supporting anyone, but in the event of my death, I want those I care about to be taken care of.

Just thoughts.

I'm Moving!

I've hinted about it in other posts, but it's now official: I'm Moving to Maryland!

I currently live in NYC, but have a wonderful opportunity to start a new, quieter, more peaceful life in Maryland.

Coming from a model/ actress, radio, TV background, I really feel a lot of pressure to "be somebody" in NYC, and I think this pressure contributes to my bip.

Will Maryland solve all of my mental issues?

I'm not saying that, but it does allow me an opportunity to get my head, emotions and life in check far away from the lights, camera, action of NYC and away from all the people poised to see what I do next.

I'm not abandoning my acting and modeling career, but I do want to explore other things like real estate. I wanna learn how to use equity, and flip houses, and maybe even be a landlord.

At 30, there's so many things I still want to learn; so many things that I still haven't done; my move to Maryland is a new chapter of my life, and I am so grateful.

P.S. Of course, I'll keep blogging!

Catching Up

I have 1 Million blogs - in my head, in my queue, in my email; they're everywhere!

Ok, so maybe I don't have a million, but I have about 20. I really did want to post, but I've been having tech issues.

I've been using my Blackberry as a modem, but it's been so slow lately. Could the slow connection be due to the rain in NYC?

Doesn't matter, I need to install my wireless router. I've been in my apartment since December 2006, and STILL haven't hooked up my router!

What am I waiting for? Clearly a day when I'd be sick and tired of being without Internet.

That day is today.

No Mo Toe!

I had been toying with the idea of leaving my job for quite a while; I was toying, or Toe-ing, but not making a decision; not diving in.

On Tuesday, I broke out in hives at the thought of going to the olffice, and had terrible IBS. When coupled with a seemingly All Points Bulletin for my body to cease from getting dressed, I text the owner and quit.

No Mo Toe!

I did it!

I done in, and now God's responsible for getting me to MD Nov 1.

Hooray to me.

Ciao to NYC!

Prenup for Friends?

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense.

Regular pre-nups allow each party to depart a marriage with everything they entered with or at least on terms that work for them.

Why can't you have the same thing for friendships?

There are people who've exited my life either by their own choosing or by my design. Some of which who really want to be friends again.

The fuzzy wuzzys are cool, but can I really trust them? Naw!

So I'm instituting the Pre-nup for Friends; it's specific to sharing information.

In essence, those who sign it would be forbidden to talk to anyone about me (including the media). They would also be prohibited from defaming me and from writing books about me. Those who do, would of course breach the contract, and be sued. Those who left my life wouldn't be permitted to return without signing the pre-friend.

Sound cold?

Well, as I see it, they left my life for a reason. Reasons don't simply disappear, so its likely to reappear when I'm even more successful.

Could a friendship last under these parameters?

I think so. That way I'm free to be completely comfortable and honest.

What about new people?
Well, case by case basis might work.

Hmmm, I guess this speaks to my level of trust for others, huh.

This isn't where want us to move as a world, but I don't know how to let people back in without some insurance.

Joy Shared...

Joy shared is Joy Doubled. Trouble Shared is Trouble Halved.

Ever heard that saying before?

Makes so much sense.

I've been getting out quite a bit. When my moods are good I ensure that I maximize the day and do as much as I can. However, to compel me to get out, I've joined some Meetup groups. With one group, we've already had a meeting, movie night, and on October 26th, we're having a workshop with a life coach! October 30th, we're having a spa day!

Do I like all of them, can I stand to be around them?

So not the point. The point is that were all together for one purpose: to improve the quality of our lives. If we make friends in the process, its the cherry on top.

I've also started meeting with my women's ministry group again. Awesome! We had Taco Night on Saturday, and the next one I'll host. Of course it will be a tea party - tea, hot apple cider, hot chocolate, coffee and cute cookies.

These groups occur infrequent enough that I don't feel smothered, and they provide me with the connection I need to the community to prevent me from becoming a hermit.

We talk a lot and so my joy is doubled and trouble halved.

Hooray!

Somebody Outta Testify!

Me, pick me!

On October 30th, I'll be testifying at a NYC Health and Hospitals hearing relative to the discharge assistance provided to mental health patients.

I'm really nervous, but also very excited. Maybe excited is the wrong word; I feel empowered!

I'm gonna be a part of the solution; a contributor to our "better days".

I've already written my testimony, and will post it here prior to appearing.

Guys, have no fear, Butterfly is on the case!

Daylight Savings Time

So at 6:30am in NYC today is resembled 4am.

Uh, its October, shouldn't Daylight Savings Time have kicked in by now?

Why am I so pressed?

I want that extra hour of sleep! Duh! Lol!

But really, my SAD is kicking like a - what kicks?- a baby ready to come out!

I fell asleep around 9pm and was up at 11pm; then 1:30ish; and then 5:30am. So that's about 6 hours-ish of sleep. Not bad if done consecutively, but the choppy stuff sucks.

Here's my idea:

VIA EMAIL

Dear Senator Obama:

With an estimated 5 million Americans with bipolar disorder, I gues-timate at least 1% are registered voters. That's 500,000 people all of whom would vote for you if you get the daylight savings time thingy to kick in this weekend.

While we're asking, if you could delete the 1-2pm hour after lunch period of the day when we all feel sluggish, this would ensure that those of us who finish work at 5pm under the present time would really be finishing at 3pm when the sun is still shining (once you approve the prior request, of course).

And one more thing: can you pass a bill that all people with bipoolar disorder are exempt from work on non-sunshiny days?

Senator Obama, forget the female and black vote, there are more of us.

Sincerely,
The Butterfly

Users

We'd be hard pressed to find someone who thinks "using a person" is a good thing.

We hear it all the time. "He used me, she used me. I'm devastated. How can I go on? Wah Wah Wah!"

Then u get the flip side who says "that no one can be used without their consent."

What's my point?

Well, using, no matter how you slice it, is wrong. Let's be honest, keeping someone around you primarily for your benefit is wrong.

If you have zero romantic interest in someone but keep them around for their financial, social, benefit to you, you're a user and you're wrong for it. Karma is gonna bite you in the butt.

What prompted this?

Well, I did a big girl thing today.

Remember The Italian?

Well, he's been lurking in the shadows. Has he been a support? Absolutely -emotionally and financially. However, guys always have a hope for more, and I new this each time I accepted his money and took his calls.

Well, today he called he went through the usual "I still love you" crap. This time I told him the truth. No I didn't say "I only keep you around for your money and to stroke my ego". I simply told him that the liklihood of us ever getting back together was slim to none.

THAT'S the truth. When I can speak the truth, that's when I'm absolutely FREE!

All I have in this life is me. I can't afford to lie to myself. Hey, I don't want anyone using me for money, affections, attention or companionship, so why do it?

Keeping the good karma channel clear, free and ready to receive.

Return of DirecTV

Yeeee-hah!

I've got my system working again!

I think I switched something on my old tv. Problem is, I have no idea what and its especially difficult to figure out because I don't have a remote for it.

So I picked up my cute flat screen tv from my parents, and WHA-LA! DirecTV, HDTv and DVD!

I'm on a roll!

Yeeee-hah!

Dreams

Been having some wild dreams lately; dreams that are so vivid, I awake the next morning totally confused.

Last night I bought 3 cans of white paint and a burnt orange/ rust kinda color to use for my accent wall in the living room. I woke up, and NO ONE would have been able to tell me that I wasn't in the Home Depot!

But I couldn't find the paint/ LMBO!!!

Stay tuned. Butterfly will soon be writing from a Maryland near you!

Ten Mistakes People Who Have Bipolar Disorder Make

By David Oliver

1. They Don't Realize the Importance of Money.
Unfortunately, most people with bipolar disorder don't realize that they need to watch their money carefully and plan for the future. They have to take steps to protect their finances during an episode and to not get cheated by erroneous medical bills.

2. They Don't Take Their Medicine Properly.
Other people actually go off their medicine to make sure it was working or to determine if they are really bipolar. Both of these are huge mistakes.

3. They don't Use the Free Resources Available.
There are tons of FREE resources available that will help you manage your illness and become more stable, but very few people with bipolar disorder actually use them.

4. They Don't Accept Help.
Individuals with bipolar disorder are often very stubborn when it comes to accepting help, even from their friends and loved ones. Every bipolar person needs at least one individual they can trust to protect their interests and look out for them during an episode.

5. They don't plan for future episodes.
People may think you're being pessimistic, but they're wrong. It's being realistic. Bipolar disorder doesn't go away, so you need to have a plan in place that will make those future episodes easier for you and your loved ones to deal with.

6. They Don't Have a Support Team.
If you have bipolar disorder, you can't do everything on your own. You need the help of friends and family members and that's why it's critical that you put together a support team of people you trust the most.

7. They Don't Take Care of Their Physical Health.
When someone suffers from a mental illness, it can become that person's primary focus and he or she often loses sight of other health issues. Eating healthy and exercising will not only keep you in better shape but may also prevent some of the triggers that led to bipolar episodes.

8. They Don't Apologize After an Episode.
During episodes, you may say or do hurtful things to the people you care about. If you don't apologize after an episode, you may lose that person from your life forever.

9. They Don't Listen to Others About Episodes.
Friends and family will be able to see signs of an upcoming episode while it's still in its initial stages. They may ask you about them or suggest that you contact your doctor. If they do, you should listen to them. Bipolar disorder clouds reality, so you can't always see how things really are.

10.They Don't Realize There's Nothing to be Ashamed Of.
You have nothing to be ashamed of; it's also not all in your head. Instead of feeling bad about what you can't change, you should be working to educate the rest of the world so that they'll change their perception of the disorder.

Lead the Horses to Water....

...But You Can't Make The Drink.

What is it with people?

They want a hand up.
They want a hand out.
It's almost like they want you to give them and actual hand!

Still Going.....

What doesn't kill me, will make me stronger.

I'm pulled in opposite ends. Drained, frustrated, but I'm still going.

Still going. Like the energizer bunny.

Forgiving Me

I'm truly angry with myself for allowing the GM to get to me the way he did.

It frustrates me that I couldn't handle the situation better and that the only course of action was violence and disrespect.

With my spirit, I know that he is a demon in flesh and that I wrestle not with is flesh and blood, but against the demon that he has allowed to take residence in him.

With my head I know that I should be cool, walk away, and ignore.

But my heart is bruised.

I've called the GM about 8 times today and hung up before he answered. I was gonna call him all the words I am trying not to use.

I called his wife 3 times, but then I remembered that I promised my cousin that I would be peaceful.

I want justice for what he said to me, but I know that my moderation-o-meter is defective.

So torn.

(P.S. I liked the picture. Made me think of my hand in God's.)

Cuzzy Cuz 3

When I'm on E, the one person guaranteed to fill my tank is my cousin.

After 15 years of not being in contact, we've reconnected,and I'm salty that we weren't able to connect earlier.

We have such a cool, "let's-help-each-other-get-through-this-thing-called-life" relationship. He's my go to guy; I guess he'd be a bff (best friend forever or does that mean best female friend? oh well, he's the bestest!)

It's awesome, and I love him to pieces.

He always has a kind encouraging word. He's just so cool.

If life continued with only him in my corner, I'd be just fine.

Dad Said It, So It's Ok

Told dad about Friday....a very loose account.

His reply: "Why are you going to keep working at a job that doesn't respect you? Leave it."

He said it very calmly, and it clicked.

This simply isn't working. Some people want me to fight and to stick it to the GM, bu I'm drained with fighting. I don't want to fight any more. I'm ready to right my my resignation letter.

There's a saying: "When things get uncomfortable, its time to leave." Things have been uncomfortable for me for a while now.

I feel like God is pushing me to take a step, and the "how" in "how will I take care of myself" shouldn't be my concern. What I need to focus on is to obey and trust each step of the process.

So that's what I need to do. I've got to move as God leads, and I'll trust that He really does know better than I do.

It's just so hard to do that.

Hey, thanks for joining me in this journey. May God show Himself to you, through me.

To Order or NOT To Order

It's 12:35am.

I'm hungry, or am I?

I want to eat, but that's the issue. not hungry. I know that I'm not, but I've been having the ED thoughts and behavior lately.

Cookies, candies, soda. I roll over in the middle of the night to stuff my mouth with Swedish Fish. I fall asleep with them in there, and it's always a pleasant surprise when i realize that I didn't finish chewing. It's a late night sweet surprise.

I know it's not right; especially when I chase it with warm orange soda or apple juice.

No laxatives, but I look at them everyday; laxatives, diuretics, enemas.

It's weird because what stops me from using them is not the concept that I shouldn't, but that I'm not in the mood to swallow pills.

When I had the flu, I Was happy because I lost weight.

I"m not gonna order food.

A Question

The Garbage Truck post was really nice.

But how do you fight the urge to stuff the garbage down their throat?

Beware of Garbage Trucks

By David J. Pollay

How often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood?

Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day?

Unless you're the Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what's important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson.

I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches!

The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.

And I mean, he was friendly.

So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck. Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.

When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

You'll be happy you did.

So this was it: "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets?

It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore."

I began to see garbage trucks.

Like in the movie "The Sixth Sense," the little boy said, "I see Dead People", well, now "I see Garbage Trucks."

I see the load they're carrying.

I see them coming to drop it off.

And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day.

What about you?

What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?

Here's my bet.

You'll be happier.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so..

Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance , TAKE IT!
If it changes your life , LET IT!

Me Speak 2

Remember "Me Speak" and how I'm striving to be my authesntic elf, well, let's add these to the list:

Why are you so negative?

How is being angry all the time working for you?

Fear and doubt are your issues. Keep them to yourself.

It would be best for you to find someone else to love.

I have no interest in reciprocating your love.

Flashing High Beams

I'M FLASING MY HIGH BEAMS!!!

MOVE OUTTA THE WAY!

Sorry, I have some where and someone to be. I have stuff to do, people to meet; no time to drive behind you will you cruise control through life.

Can't figure out where you wanna go?

Oh well, Speed up, or switch lanes!

Password Keeper

I have 4 email accounts, but a host of other online thingys that I'm a member of.

Lately, I've had to reset passwords far often than makes sense.

Introducing the Blackberry password keeper. It stores passwords for everything.

I can hear the angels in my brain sing.

Ahhhhhhhh.

Secret Ritual

I have a secret ritual - I burn names.

Yup, I do.

When I need to get over something or someone, I write the name or the situation on a piece of paper, and set it on fire.

Sorta symbolic, I guess. This GM thing has my head swirling, but I promised my cuz that I wouldn't have the GM's jaw broken, follow him home or pick a fight.

Gotta write his name down and burn it.

The following will be added to the burn list:
Owner
Asst. GM
GM's GF aka WHORE
Ex Con

Ashes to ashes; dust to dust.

Real Talk

Staying positive is so bloody exhausting.

I Got Detained

GM called me a "crazy bipolar street whore".

I punched him in the face, choked him and then spit in his face.

Yeah.

He called the cops (one of whom was a friend).

I sat in the cop car while they told me I couldn't attack people for their words.

Still in shock that I did that. It happened Friday.

Gonna wreck his life.

1:12pm - His demise isn't worth my freedom. I really want to wish him undescribable harm, but I am reminded of The Secret. I'm moving.

2:28pm The owner told me yesterday that I should go home and brish the dirt off my shoulder. Don't let him get to me.

The owner is now on my shit list. Calling EEOC.

A Question

Are you living the life you deserve or the one you settled for?

What's Your Problem?

Are you "mentally ill?"

Do you have a "chronic illness?"

Do you have a "psychological disorder?"

Do you have a "chemical imbalance?"

What's your problem?

I say this tongue in cheek of course, but only to draw our attention to how our words shape our behavior.

Bipolar disorder is a chemical deficiency that affects you psychologically. The deficiency of chemical transmitters leads to unpredictable mood swings ranging from depressive symptoms to manic symptoms.

It is NOT a terminal or chronic illness.

When I hear "chronic illness", I think of cancer that has spread throughout the body. I am not that, nor will I live thinking that there is something "wrong" with me or that there is a disease invading my body.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Some people have extra fingers or webbed feet.

I have low chemical levels.

Some people have a third nipple or cleft lip, my moods experience tremendous highs and lows.

Some people swallow 20/day or inject insulin; I monitor my stress, pray, journal, read motivational books and stay positive.

There's nothing "wrong" with me. I was simply dealt different cards.

What were you dealt?

Wutchumacallit?

What is it called?

You know; the thing that makes you do one more push up?

The thing that makes you jog the last 2 minutes of your mile or makes you not take another slice of cake?

What is the thing called that gets you out of bed and to work when you can't stand the job?

What makes you swallow the ill-tasting medicine?

What makes you stay awake during the boring lectures, floss, clean, shower, or not spaz out?

What is it?

Is it the knowledge that what you're doing is in your best interest?

Is it will?

Is it fight?

What the heck is it called?

If I could name it and bottle it, I'd distribute it to everyone with psychological disorders.

Me Speak

As I strive to be my most authentic self, it calls for me to do what I want regardless of what he, she or you think.

It requires me to say what I want regardless of my words' seemingly premature entry to your ears.

I am free to be me.

What does me mean?
"Please don't send me your x -rated texts and emails anymore."

"Please don't send me your silly "send-to-10-people" chain letters."

"No, you can't come into my house. Please do not ask again."

"Please stop sending me so many texts."

"I think its best that we no longer speak."

"I don't discuss my relationships."

"Please no longer call me after 8pm."

"Your negativity is affecting me. I need time away from you."

"We will never get back together."

"I don't trust you."

"You're mean."

"That you love me is great, but I don't share the sentiment."

"Your married. You're scum for telling me you want me."

"Why play the game, you're never leaving your wife."

"Please stop flirting with me."

"No one can stand to be around you."

"I can no longer tolerate your cursing."

"Call me when you have something happy to talk about."

Ok, I think that's all.

Not mean, not rude, simply honest. Honesty represents my best self.

Cut #1

We were roommates, great friends, and college buddies.

We traded girlie war stories, but my life is different now.

I'm changing, evolving and we've grown apart.

I have no place for your judgment or negativity. I love you, but I love me more.

I'm not saying I'm better than you, more aware or in tune than you are, simply saying what you bring to my world doesn't support my present me, and me comes first today and every day.

I wish you the best, and pray you figure out what causes you to judge me.

Goodbye.

On to Cut #2.

Enough Yet?

When is enough, enough?

I think back to Feb 2006.

I was living in a room without windows. Not an apartment, but a room. All I possess lay in a 10x10 room.

The highlight of my week was receiving my unemployment check.

My relationship was a sad memory.

"Look at what my life has become," I thought.

Whatever was below depression ... funk, maybe... well, that's what I was in.

I was living a bootleg version of the me I knew; and the me I knew, was wonderful.

When is enough, enough?

I wanted to great hair and makeup, regular manicures and pedicures. I wanted to enjoy life and to smile. I wanted freedom to be, but freedom lay just beyond the front door where I would need to enter a world that would judge me.

I was terrified, but the fear of sinking into a more pitiful state of me scared me more.

I had to leave my room, the apartment.

It wasn't a choice, it was the only option.

I had to get a job and baby step my way to where I wanted to be.

And so I did.

I got a job; not what I wanted, but it gave me a sense of accomplishment. It lifted my self esteem and motivated me to take another big girl step.

I started working in August 06, and I didn't get the permanent french pink and white manicure I wanted until February 07, but I was slaying a more destructive dragon in the process- self pity.

The longer I waited to understand my disorder, how it affected me, and how I affected other people, the deeper I sunk.

The longer I waited for someone to save me. The more life went to squat.

I had to save me.
I had to take the first step.

It's amazing how after the first step the universe sends opportunities your way.

Truth

More Stupid T-shirts

Schizo 4 Life
OCD Freak
Anorexic, but still fat
No for real, I'm crazy
Life sucks; all the time
Sadness is 4 losers, B Depressed
Rapid Cycling = Spin Class 4 da Brain
SSI-Get the Crazy Check
I Heart Psych Ward
I Survived the Psych Ward & All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt
I'm Not Anorexic, My Clothes Are Big
Who Needs Friends, I Have Personalities
Be All That U Can Be? Why?
Meds- Never Leave Home Without It.
I'm weird, I'm here, I hate it.
Crazy- Never in Style.
Got a shrink?

Stupid T-Shirts

I think some people proclaim psychological disorders as a badge of honor. While heading home I thought of t-shirts we should never see.

Elitest vs Charity

I think I'm an elitist.

I do feel entitled to preferential treatment.
I do feel that I am better than most.
I do feel like pound for pound, no one is better than I am.

It's this thinking also affects how I interact with others.

At times when I should probably listen and be what others consider to be supportive, I'm turned off my excessive whining and a lack of focus. I see people who are unable to make decisions as weak.

Now, I know that bipolar disorder often muddles my thoughts and leads to indecision, but its ok for me because I'm tying and I don't wallow in the murky waters of self pity for too long. But for everyone else, it annoys me.

At church today the message was about love.

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in human or angelic tongues, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body [to hardship] that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

I don't like my mindset, so I'm changing that, too

Huge Big Deal Alert!

I went to church today!

After 8 months away, I went to church!

Yes, HUGE big deal especially since I have been since February when the pastor had a brain fart.

I thought about going last night, and I woke up with going on my mind, so I went.

To be honest, I kinda felt compelled to go; almost like I had to go today. It shocked even me. However, once I arrived I knew why.

There are so many things running around in my mind - career, moving, my purpose relative to God.

They were all made clear today - communion Sunday - and I rededicated myself to God.

Yup, HUGE hooray for me and my progress!

(Btw, I didn't go to brain fart church.)

Forging the Anvil

Amanda's Awesome.

The following was taken from her blog "This Side of Reason":

"Don't you want to get up?" I asked.

"No," he looked at me pathetically, "I'm too sad."

This is something I understood only too well.

"It's ok to feel sad." I said to him with a lot more cheer than I felt. "But can you imagine what would happen if people would just sit there every time they felt sad?!

You wouldn't be able to buy any bread. The baker would be too sad to bake them. The stores would stay closed. The cashiers would be too sad to open them. Houses would burn down, the firemen would be too sad to put the fire out."

Now he was giggling. I kept making my examples more and more outrageous until he was jumping about laughing and coming up with his own examples. Soon he had changed clothes and he went out to play.

Ok. Hate me. But should I have really sat there and commiserated with him for an entire afternoon?

If he grows up to be manic-depressive like myself and his grandfather, and that's entirely possible, it might be a good idea to already learn how to separate feelings from actions - instead of learning at 30 or 60, like we did.

Feelings from actions. So profound.

A Question

Do you reread and edit your blogs?

I often review them for missed spelling errors.

Regarding Butterfly

Over the years I've allowed people to chip away at me.

The sucky thing is that they've been able to do so without me recognizing just how much of an impact they were having on my life.

When I isolate myself, I truly feel it's my way of drawing closer to what I know is right and true. I isolate myself to reconnect. Isolation is like my white blood cells; isolation fights the infection brought by other people.

I know, if I isoate too much, it could be problematic.

What I really need to ensure is that I have sufficient me time (aka isolation) and that I connect only with people who are good for me.

I never got drunk.
Weed was always unacceptable.
Gossiping was wack.
Whining and negativity were pointless.
Cursing was a no no.

Slowly, all of theses things were allowed entry and God and me were shut out.

So now, no drinking to get drunk and I won't be around people who do.

Weed, not near me.

I don't want to talk about anyone and I don't want to listen to it either.

No whining and I sure as heck don't wanna hear it.

Cursing I'm done with that. I'm disgusted that I've ever used them like I did.

So, times are a changing.

People may not like this new me, but she's not new at all. This is the true me, and all that matters is that I want her here.

Pee No More

Say I declare that I want to publish a book.

Almost immediately the naysayers from the peanut gallery are ready with a host of reasons why it could never happen.

How are you gonna do that?
Where will you get the money?
Do you know someone?

Now, flip it.

When someone tells me that they want to be a model, I simply say, "that's nice, go for it."

What I COULD say is: "With those abs, that acne filled face, those rashy legs, those baggy knees and your jabba jaw teeth? Sweetie, you're not exactly what they're looking for; not today, not ever. What made you think you could do that?"

But I don't because I consider people's feelings, and it's not my place to kill their dream, unless of course, they're paying my consulting fee. :-)

But people think it's ok to tell me whatever they feel. Granted, it's never the universally mean things like "you're ugly", but I contend that "you're so skinny" is just as bad.

I truly believe people say mean things when their self-esteem is shot. Their so afraid to deal with their stuff, that they use other people as a distraction and pick them apart.

So how will I respond to these low self-esteem negaholics the next time they try to pee on my parade?

How about "Don't trouble your head little one. One day you'll get it. I'm simply ahead of my time!"

Yeehah!

Don't They Get It?

With each passing day, I realize that I'm simply different from other life forms on this planet.

For example, if I'm around other people, when I burp, I burp silently and let it out in slow short puffs so people won't be burdened by the scent. Other people just let it rip.

If I need to fix, fluff or toss my hair, I look around to avoid throwing hair in someone's face. Other people toss freely.

I cover my mouth and nose when I cough and sneeze respectively. Other people permit their germy germs to soar unabashed.

I never clip my nails in public or pop my gum. Other people are clueless to their taboo status.

I'm mindful not to touch communal property after coughing/ sneezing into my hand. Others, touch away!

I am conscious not to talk over someone. Others, interrupt at will.

I never put my feet in chairs that aren't mine, or take my shoes off near other people.

I DON'T:
Pick my nose
Scratch my scalp noisily
Pick my nose and flick it
Clean my ear with a match or key
Floss in public
Pick my teeth in public with a straw or business card
Use my finger to clean the corners of my mouth

I KNOW:
When I'm talking too much
Too melancholy
Being annoying
When I'm off topic
When no one gets me
When to be quiet

Why didn't other people learn this stuff?

Hmmmm. Such is life, right. I've gotta live on this earth so I guess I cannot permit every little thing to irk me.

New Voicemail Message

Thank you for calling.

You've reached the voicemail box of Butterfly.

To leave a message, please do so at the tone. For a more immediate response, please send a text mesage to this number or an email to butterly@gmail.com.

I am so tired of people leaving me long ass winded messages.

I check my messages, maybe once a week. I simply hate the process of listening to: "Next massage; from phone number 123-456-7890; Received October 3rd, at 2:21pm" FOR EACH MESSAGE!

And no one is ever caling about something urgent.

This will all change when I start auditioning again, but until then, SAY IT WITH TEXT; 160 CHARACTERS OR LESS!

DirecTV Dilema

I've been in my place since December and never hooked up my DVD player.

I tried yesterday and was unsuccessful. I called Philips, the maker of the DVD player, to assist me, and they screwed everything up worse!

I also have DirecTV, and i know it's possible to link everything, but I'm simply not getting it!

DirecTV said it would cost $70 to send a technician to fix it. I really don't wanna pay for it, but I might have to.

See, the alternative is to get this nerdy guy in the building to do it, or to call a guy friend.

NO, to both.

I HATE having people in my house .... that know me I guess. Cuz I'm ok with the DirecTV guy coming....hmmmmm. Interesting.

Gonna try again today and then have my dad look at it.

Sir, Yes, Sir

Operation Cleanup
Sir, the apartment is cleaned from top to bottom, Sir!

Operation Laundry
Sir, all laundry is washed, dried, folded and put away, Sir!

Operation Trash Takeout
Sir, the 6 bags of garbage and 2 bags of recyclables have been removed from the premises, Sir!

Operation Wash Hair
Sir, hair has been deep conditioned, washed and deep conditioned again, Sir!

Operation File and Organize
Sir, I'm happy to report that Operation File and Organize will be completed today, Sir!

lol

Embarrassed Into Compliance

I will clean regularly.
I will clean regularly.
I will clean regularly.
I will clean regularly.
I will clean regularly.
I will clean regularly.

My landlord had to get into my place.

I discovered it when I realized that both locks on my door were secured.

Oh boy.

The things that lurk behind said door are NOT for the viewing public!

Hmmm.

He hasn't said anything, but he's either thinking "she's had a busy week with traveling and work", or "she's one nasty SOB."

I was embarrassed into compliance.

Write Your Rep

Dear Representative Clarke:

I am a college graduate, and a professional model and actress. I have been a radio personality, TV host and teacher. I also have bipolar disorder and have experienced first hand how the disorder can affect the ability to be gainfully employed.

I am writing to urge support for HR 2895, legislation authorizing the national affordable Housing Trust Fund. This new Trust Fund program is vital to putting the federal government back in the business of supporting development of new rental housing that are both targeted and affordable to the most vulnerable low income individuals, including people with severe
disabilities living on SSI.

Congress should pass HR 2895 and support development of new rental housing targeted to the most vulnerable low-income individuals.

Please, vote YES on HR 2895 on October 10.

Write YOUR Rep

Day of Prayer

National Day of Prayer for
Mental Illness Recovery and Understanding
October 9, 2007

O, God, we come before You, remembering all those persons whose lives have been touched by mental illnesses.

We give thanks for those persons here who have given of their time
and talents to do what they are able to help persons who are dealing
with mental illnesses in their lives and in the lives
of their families and friends.

We give thanks for the improvement in medication and
treatment programs that have enabled persons with
mental illnesses to live productive lives.

We pray that our society would do everything possible
to make early diagnosis and treatment
a standard operating procedure.

We pray and ask that stigma be removed,
so that persons and their families would get
the appropriate help as soon as symptoms appear.

Guide each one of us, and help us, as we endeavor
to bring help and hope to those families and individuals.

We remember in our prayers those persons with mental illnesses
who need to obtain access to their prescribed medications,
treatment services, and counseling.

We pray that in our own local communities,
we can provide the appropriate health care
for mind, body, and spirit to enable individuals
to be on their journey of recovery.

We pray that wherever we go, Your hand will lead us.

So guide us along the pathways to hope,
that night becomes bright as day.

Lead us on our walk together,
that darkness is lifted from our hearts.

Encourage us that our sisters and brothers who have mental
illness shall know that they never walk alone.

Amen
For More Information, Contact Nami.

October 7-13, 2007

Mental Illness Awareness Week
October 7-13, 2007
Established in 1990 by Congress, the first week of October is designated as "Mental Illness Awareness Week" (MIAW) in recognition of NAMI’s efforts to raise mental illness awareness.

Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day
Held each year on the Thursday of Mental Illness Awareness Week to increase awareness of bipolar disorder, promote early detection and accurate diagnosis, reduce stigma, and minimize the devastating impact on the 2.3 million Americans presently affected by the disorder.

For More Information, Contact NAMI.

You DON'T Know Me!!!!!

Today I feel like I'm a PC and everyone else are Macs.

Not in the "Oh-woe-is- me-I-have-bipolar-I'm-so-different-wahhhhhh" sense.

Just in the "I-don't-get-people" sense.

For example, Why do people think they know me, and then proceed to tell me what they think I should/ shouldn't do?

YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!

I don't give a DAMN about what you think!

It irks me when you spew yo shit ish cuz it takes time away fro me doing what I need to do!

SHUT UP, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!!

DAMN!

I observe other people, I see the dumb stuff that they do, and have my opinions, but I never spew advice without a disclaimer or without it being invited; and trust me, I've learned about calling people out on their affairs at work.

Each time someone blabs about what they think I should do or wear, all I hear are their insecurities and low self -esteem talking.

Wahhhh, why do you wear your hair like that?
Because it looks great on me not you.

Wahhhh, why are you wearing that color eyeshadow?
Because I look good in any color and you don't.

Wahhhh, why are you hanging out with her?
Because she doesn't annoy me like you do.

Wahhhh, why are you so weird?
Because I'm better than you!

LMBO!

How about you keep your whining, where...OVER THERE!

Shut up, Haters!

I've never been one to use the words "hard", "can't", "fear", etc.

Those were all words that I eliminated from my vocabulary very early in life, and I'm confident that their absence contributed greatly to my success.

In college, as an RA (resident assistant) and I received an award for being encouraging and motivational to my floor. :-)

I've always been a positive person, however over the years negative words and thinking have crept into my world via other people.

To my detriment, I"ve been around extremely negative and severely pessimistic people. These chronic negaholics at times spewed their "kill joy venom" at me. Other times, I think they sweat or breathed on me and it was absorbed in my pores.

YUK!

But, I know better. I've never allowed fear or whining to control my destiny.

If I thought it, it was valid.
If I wanted it, I could have it.
If I wanted to wear it, I did.

Who gives a shit about how anyone like my hair, my makeup, my dress?

That's the problem with this world: we're all born unique, but die clones.

Moving on: Truth is, people tell me what I shouldn't do when they're too scared to do it. For example, all the opponents of enrolling your autistic child in a regular school setting quite simply lack the guts to do it if they were in your shoes.

Additionally, opponents to a new business plan, plans to move, travel or change careers - yup, scardie cats!

Yeah on some level they may care for us, but ultimately if they care, they should be a fan of us doing whatever makes us happy.

I've been called a scatterbrain. I've been mocked for many unsuccessful attempts at different things. But you know what? I tried, and that's a heck of a lot better than most of the planet!

I didn't sit around whining, I dared to do something different.

That's the me I want to be, so pardon my lack of concern (or not) at what you think is best for me.

With that said:
Yes, its okay to cut your hair, grow your hair, where your hair straight, curly or green.

Yes, its okay to quit our job, move to another state, get a divorce, have a pet, write a book, etc.

Yes, its okay to wear white after labor day, wear gold and silver jewelry, and be who you want to be.

I've gotta re-evaluate the people around me. I really need to reduce the electromagnetic negativity. lol

Yeah baby!

I am about to be even more undiluted me,and I know that some people won't appreciate or join me on my journey.

Oh well.

Sad Excitement

You know the excitement you felt as a child the night before a field trip or the night before Christmas?

How about the excitement when you got a pet or a new best friend?

I am excited about something that has brought tremendous joy to my world, but can't share it, cuz no one will get it.

Phoowie; or is it Foowie?

Me, Me, Me Part 3

I am mostly right.
I work hard.
I try.
I'm better than you.

It's not fair to think this way, but I recognize that I do.

Relative to being bipolar, I do think I try harder than most to get it in gear.

Like everyone, I have my set backs, but when I started this blog - which has been very therapeutic - my goal was NEVER to return to March 07 when I was actively contemplating suicide.

How was it that I was becoming worse rather than better?

Well, as I see it, I've been self -absorbed.

There is a way to be active in the mental health community without losing myself to the disorder. I need not filter everything through being bipolar, and it sure as hell isn't an excuse for everything.

I've read books, taken classes, taken online classes, went to therapy, listened to tapes, deleted people from my world, changed thinking, changed patterns of behavior, and I'm really trying to fight.

I have done the work to get where I am. I need to show it.

Truth is, I don't always see that tenacity and fight others - bipolar and not - and i judge them.

I hate when people waste my time by asking me stupid questions that can easily be revealed online or in a book.

I have bipolar disorder and so every moment must be valued as one to keep me on track. I have no time for nonsense!

But, I admit that I wrongfully view people as lazy, ignorant, whiny, and sometimes plain stupid for not getting things that come easy to me, or that I think they should simply get.

I realize that no one is like me, but it doesn't stop me from becoming frustrated and judgmental.

I don't like that about me, and so I'm gonna fix it.

That's another thing. I'm proactive. It irks me when people aren't.

So, I'm taking a step back from a lot of things and a lot of people.

I'm gonna do me.

Do what makes me happy, and yes, STOP WHINING!

To Be Continued....

Me, Me, Me Part 2

Ever notice how when you're working or taking care of someone else, you have less time to think about your life?

For example, I admire Amanda's strength.

I think her perspective on bipolar and her tenacity to live, instead of merely survive, stems from her desire to be the best mommy for her son.

I've watched her evolution, followed her process, admired her posts, and then it clicked.

Take your mind off of you, and the result is just that - your mind is off of you!

EUREKA!!

So, I joined an online prison pen pal ministry called Prison Fellowship.

I requested two pen pals and now have names of two inmates that I can encourage.

What's more hopeless than being locked behind bars?

What's worse than being locked behind bars with bipolar disorder?

What's worse than being locked behind bars with bipolar disorder with ZERO family support?

Next stop, a high school tour. I have an investment analyst looking over my proposal and he's gonna get me funding or fund it himself.

I'll give you more details later, but for real, the whining is so gonna stop.

I can't stand it!

Me, Me, Me Part 1

SELF ABSORBED

When you're always thinking about yourself, and constantly reminding everyone of your good (gloating) and bad (whining) aspects of your life, you're SELF ABSORBED!

There are people in New Orleans who are still displaced.

There are people living in countries where war is an ever present part of their reality.

There are people living with much worse disorders that I have.

How dare me be self -absorbed?

Me, Me, Me. Look how horrible my life is.
Boo Hoo, I need special attention.
Don't you see how much I hurt.
You just don't understand.

Damn, I'm sick of living like a victim.

I'm sick of pulling the "you don't understand" card. Sometimes it's true, but it has so become a default "whiny-ass" trump card.

It's so unattractive.

You may not agree, but I see it. This disorder has a way of making one so self -absorbed that you become the biggest obstacle in your progress.

Put your bipolar in perspective and count your blessings.