Did I Know?

I'm going through my grade school writing, and I'm finding evidence that I knew something was wrong with me as early as age 9!

At the time I called it depression. Wow. What an amazing 9 year old.

Here's another poem that ends in the famous words of Ella Wilcox.

Bright and fiery
Depression begins.

Larger and Longer
The hurt never ends.

It closes you in until you feel trapped.
It surrounds you with the feeling
That you can never turn back.
Then at last when you can hurt no more,
You erupt.
Depression has captured you
With it's strong claw.

So many God's
So many creeds.
So many paths that wind and wind.
While just the art of being kind
Is all this sad world needs
-Ella Wilcox

I Was 9 - SPOILER

I found the following poem among my writing.

I don't know if I wrote it (can't remember, which isn't unusual as I've blocked out LOTS of things in my life.)

I tried googling the words to see if it came from a book - to no avail

I'm grateful to God to still be alive. Whether I wrote them or not, that I had these words in my possession at age 9, evidences the turmoil I was in way back then.

The Suicide
Darker than night
Frighter than fright
As tiny earthworms and maggots cover
The rotting body in it's tomb.

No movement
No breath of fresh air
No feeling inside
No brain waves through the mind.

What brought me to do this?

The heart pumps it's last pump of blood.
The stomach plunges on it's last meal
And no movement in the legs, cuz they're dead like steal.

I was smarter than that.
People said my life should be thrilling.
I knew I shouldn't have done it,
But yet, I jumped off the building.

Holiday Season? What?!

I struggled my way through summer.

Summer ended maybe, what, 3 days ago? Already, news reporters are talking about the holiday season!

GEEZ, can we slow down?

For me the holiday season is cause for stress.

Why?

My brain heads into overdrive:

* I should have saved more money.
* Will I have enough money to purchase presents for everyone?
* I really don't feel like being around people.
* How can I get out of the family rate your life dinner?
* This is a happy time. Why am I such a scrooge?
* I should shop early.

I know many people who wait for Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) to start shopping. I think I did that once, and I will NEVER do it again!

I hate crowds and lines and people!

Millions of children running around;
Parents oblivious to the havoc their kids cause;
Slow seasonal workers that need price checks for everything;

I think I'll avoid the stress and shop online. After all, why have a panic attack around droves of people when you can get Black Friday prices aka bfadsat home?

A Question

If you could run away from this life and start over, would you?
I would.

Do you know who'd you'd run away with?
I do.

Cuz

He's been a great support over the last week. I've spoken to him every day, sometimes up to 3 times a day.

We talk on the phone, write each other a lot, and plan to visit in October.

He gets me.

It's unreal how much he gets me. I know that God brought him into my world for such a time as this. When no one else understands me, he does. When I need to vent, I can, and he walks me through. The best part is that I draw strength from him. He is one of he strongest people I know; wise, intelligent, and strong.

I have the flu right now was having severe body aches 3 nights ago. After praying, I thought about him and how strong he is, and was able to get to sleep. He's been through a lot in his life, and thinking about him and how he overcame and continues to overcome, makes me think less of my issues.

He's great.
He's my therapy.

SSI

I'm gonna file.

How long am I going to convince myself that I can work in a traditional environment without medication?

I can get a job, but they will end in the way they've all ended - chaos and a law suit.

I need to work at my own pace; at least until I can get my head right.

Summer was great, but it's darker in the morning and the sun goes down earlier and I hate it.

True, I'm not exactly doing everything I should be - therapy, meds, support groups.

I'll be wrong to start with a company only to set them up for me to sue.

Got the paperwork and gonna submit.

Slowly Creeping Back

It's been 7 days since I posted, and I'm slowly creeping back.

What do you so when you’re angry?

I’ve been very angry for a while, and there is no way for me to dispense my wrath.

With 1 in 5 mentally ill people incarcerated, I can’t do anything.

Now what?

Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.

When the day is long and the night,
the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life,
well hang on
Don't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone,
(hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go,
(hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life,
well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand. Oh, no.
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no,
you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life,
the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts.
You are not alone

Me Casa NO Su Casa

What is the deal with people wanting to come to my house?

I have NEVER tried to force entry into anyone's home!

I need to pee.
I really gotta go.
It'll take too long to get home.

I need to change.
Just a quick change.

My cell just died.
But I need a land line.

Can I use your Internet?
I just need some driving directions.
In and out, I promise.

I DON'T permit people into my home.

Why?

I just don't, and I'm tired of explaining!

Hell, I don't question why I'm not permitted to walk on your carpet with my shoes, so stop asking me why I don't permit people in my personal space!

IT'S MINE!!!!

Don't you think that I know it's weird?

My house is my safe haven.

If I knew why I had so much difficulty permitting people into my home, don't you think I'd fix it?!?!?!

The last time I let someone "just use the bathroom", they sat on the couch and refused to leave!

I'm done.

Across the board, NO ENTRY.

Geez!

Another One Bites the Dust

I HATE to wait!

When I call you at 10:20am and tell you to leave your house NOW (by car), its because I have already time how long it will take you AND me (by train) to get there!

If you've changed the plan after you agreed to it, don't be an inconsiderate moron, CALL or TEXT me with an update!

Geez!

WHY am I calling you 3 train stops away from the destination, and you're only NOW scrambling to leave?

I swear if being out of the house wasn't good for me, I'd take my mahogany behind BACK HOME!!! LOL!

Geeez!

So you know what's gonna happen right?

Yes "persona non grata" in my world.

The conversation went thusly:

"You're late.
I',m irked cuz you didn't respect my time
You didn't feel I deserved the courtesy of a call?
I can't deal with people like that.
Good to see you, good luck, goodbye."

May that be a lesson to all the people who want to make me wait!

Clean, but Not

The living room is tidy.

The kitchen is spotless.

Bathroom - you can eat off the floor.

My bedroom?

I'll tell you what I see:

2 Plastic cups
1 Plastic container of pepper sauce
4 Used Cotton face pads (sorry)
6 Bottles of water
6 Tied bags of garbage
1 Empty Listerine bottle
1 Empty Juice Pitcher
2 Used teacups
60 Smart Start crumbs (or more)
3 Swedish Fish wrappers
30 Single Eyelashes
2 Sandwich Wrappers
1 Empty bag of raisins
2 Empty soda bottles
1 Cranberry juice bottle
1 Apple juice bottle

Hmmm.

Wanna know what's on my bed?

Laptop
Cellphone
Listerine White Strips
Remote
Zit Be gone :-)
Ipod
Lotion
35 Makeup Brushes
Wallet
40ish Business cards
2 Towels
3 Wigs
$16.29
50 Envelopes with stamps
3 hangers
Robe
Telephone
Laundry

And I've had conditioner in my hair for 3 weeks....under my wig.

I need a nanny.

Wow.

My Bipolar Frustration

A diagnosis of bipolar disorder does a lot to a person; especially after they realize that the diagnosis is true.

It has a sneaky way of making you second guess every choice, every decision, action, reaction. It makes you unsure of so much.

There are seemingly 3 types of reactions:

Buckle – The frustration of indecision compels you to refrain from all decision making.

Coma - Overwhelmed with the influx of “to do or not to do”, you become numb and remain stagnant.

Perfection - Afraid of inaction, you commit to make a decision and see it though to the end.

I am the perfectionist.

I am self – aware, yet I am simultaneously my biggest critic.

I think and analyze, and think and analyze ad nauseam. For the most part, I keep up appearances that my world is perfect and together, but then comes a mistake.

No jury, no teacher, no parent or significant other can punish me worst than I punish myself.

A flaw revealed is not the end of the world; but it sure as heck feels like it.

Everyone's an Expert...

But they're really insecure haters.

Ok well maybe that's a bit harsh.

I simply hate that when I have something special or when I have great news, some smart alek "expert" feels my hooray is an opportunity to sing the praises of their intelligence.

Can't stand a know-it-all.

At the gym:
"So you know you should have your knees slightly bent."

Modeling
"Can you put a bit more bounce in your step?"

Pets
"You've gotta show em who's boss."

Homes
"You gotta make sure the rental payments will cover the mortgage."

Nails
"You know UV gel is better than acrylic."

Like, no duh.

School me, please, oh wise one.

With as much info as there is on the Internet, do people really believe I won't ask questions, seek advice, or read?

Do they think I'm stupid?

Or do they simply want to hear themselves talk?

Let me Pay for It!

Yeah, that seems to be the way to get me out of the house.

If I pay for it, then I'm there!

I paid $550 for my acting class, and have been there front and center for the last two classes.

I paid for Learning Annex classes, and attended those, too.

Hmmmm.

Meds for Friend Trade?

There's a lot that I want to do.

But, lately I'm very aware of my behavior and wondering if people think I act weird.

I met a girl 2 years ago. We were both models for a new swimsuit line. I thought she was amazingly cool. We exchanged cards and vowed to stay in touch.

She's sweet and I liked her a lot.

Well, we reconnected, and she's shared her business platform with me, and wants to hire me as a consultant and minority partner.

Huge opportunity?
Hell yeah!

Potential to make good money?
No doubt!

But can I last the course?
Can I go the distance?
Will I need breaks and time outs, etc?

Should I take the meds to ensure I am a good friend & worker to her and myself?

There's also a lot that I'm doing with my cousin. I need to ensure that I can complete what I start. He and my work deserves the best me possible.

To go back on meds or not.

Hmmmm.

Bad Days

Yeah.

This week was tough.

Had a tough chat with my father because he doesn't want me to fight with my aunt (too long of a story).

The conversation left me covered in hives, crying and throwing up. Yeah, mid-puke I recall my battered esophagus.

Can't have stress.

Then brother goes to the hospital.

I am so pruning the stress from my world. I'll be no good if I don't.

Starting Over

It seems the hardest part of being bipolar is maintaining consistency.

I get started.
I have a good run.
It happens, and then I'm starting over yet again.

It seems that I am in a constant state of starting over.

Why isn't my skin perfect?
Because I wash it 3 times a day for a week. I use all my Kiehls and dermatologist prescribed products, and then I go to bed in full makeup....3 days in a row.

Yup, gotta start over.

Why are my abs not as ab-mazing as I want 'em to be?
Well, I'm crunching like a mad woman for 4 days, and then then "it" happens and the only crunch I get is the candy bar.

Why isn't my career booming?
Cuz I get going and then "it" happens and I close the blinds and go under the bed.

How can I get myself to be consistent during those "it happens" periods?

Ideas?

9-1-1 No More

I will NEVER call 9-1-1 for my brother again.

After being released 2 weeks ago, he's back in the hospital.

The stress this brings to my world in unacceptable.

Towel in hand.
Towel thrown in the ring.

I will NEVER call 9-1-1 for him again.

Get Over It, Butterfly

The longer I live, the more it is confirmed that NO ONE GETS ME.

No one ever has.

They try to understand me, they try to get me, but in the end, their stupid comments push me away from them.

This isn't one of those "A for Effort" deals. How can you think you're being helpful when everything that spews from your lips is NEGATIVE?!?!?!

"Why do you care so much?"
What? Why do YOU care about what YOU care about?

"Why are you stressing about this?"
Are you kidding me? Why do YOU stress about what YOU stress about?

"That really isn't your issue."
Thanks for sharing, moron. Exit my life stage left.

I'm NOT required to justify why I care about anything or anyone.

My causes are my causes.
My time is spent where I want it.
My money will be spent there, too.

I am clearly alone in this one. Me and God; Me and God.

Cuzzy Cuz 2

I've been talking to my cousin almost every other day.

Seems we never tire of chatting. We've been talking alot about spirituality lately, and we're on the same page. I love that he "gets me". I love that I "get" him.

It's good to have someone like that in my life, and I know God sent him for me.

We motivate each other and are so mutually beneficial to each other's lives that it's other worldly.

He's great.

Makes me laugh.

Gonna hang out with him again next month. My BFF

So Tired of Apologizing

I have an event to go to tonight.

I'm dressed, hair done, makeup on.

I've been ready since 8:15pm; it's now 9:11pm.

Why haven't I left yet?

My shoes are even on!

I had a new friend (more on her to come) coming to pick me up, but she got tied up with our new venture (more on that later), and can't pick me up.

I called 5 cab companies, but no cabs were available in my area.

Now what?

I don't kill anyone off as in "my grandma died".

I am tired of the "Oh no, I'm covered in hives and can't make it."

I hate the fibbing, but I can't simply NOT show with out an excuse, right?

Geez!

So tired of apologizing.

4 Problems with Cell Phones

1. People expect to reach you all the time.
No! I pay the bill!

2. People expect you phone to always be on.
No, it automatically shuts off at midnight and every other time I choose.

3. People assume leaivng a voicemail guarantees a call back.
I get to my voicemail when it says "20 new messages".

4. People act like voicemail is a substitute me and leave messages like they're actually talking to me.
Nope, you have 5 seconds to get my attention before I press "7" aka "delete".

Live With the End in Mind

I want to live with the end in mind.

My Eulogy

Butterfly loved to laugh.

Most importantly, she loved being the cause of laughter.

From her weird "Elaine-like" dancing to her "uniquely nutty" way of thinking, she'd go out of her way to make someone laugh by simply being her.

She was always willing to help, lend a hand. She always had a resource to share, a book to read, a number to call, or a friend that you just had to meet.

She was strong, bold, assertive, sexy, but at the same time, she was the girl next door. All she wanted to do was to leave this world a little bit better than she had found it; and she did.

The Butterfly Philanthropic Foundation has adopted a high school freshman class every year since 2010.

She was instrumental in passing the Beyond Bipolar Bill that guarantees insurance with unemployment for each person with bipolar disorder.

She was a great person.

to be continued....

Living On Purpose.

I've been thinking about "purpose" lately.

It's one thing we all have in common; hence, the millions of books on the market about purpose.

It seems that my life has been one "cause" after another.

What do I mean?

Well, it seems I qualify my existence by what and how much I can do for other people. Let's call it the "mama instinct".

My "mama instinct" has had me:
- Attend PTA meetings for kids that aren't mine;
- Taking my rime to assist job search;
- Listening to husbands bitch;
- Drafting press kits for FREE;
- Volunteering for stuff b/c people need help;

The list could go on and on, but it seems I always seek out people who need "help".

I'm a chick in search of a cause. And when there is no cause, I feel, well, unfulfilled, or at least that's how I act sometimes.

Hmmm, I think my sister once told me that I'm an enabler, and that I gravitate toward people with issues. I think she was right; Was because I no longer care as much.

I would care so much for people and when I needed their support, they were gone with the wind.

There's a lot that I still want to do, but truthfully if my life never changed from the way it is now, I'd be ok. (I've thought about the truth in that statement a lot before actually being able to type those words.)

Kudos for me, I say.

I've been blessed to be so many different things to so many people.

I've lived to have someone ask me for an autograph, tell me how much I've changed their life, ask to marry me (and meant it), loved, lost love and found love again.

I've been a model, actress, marathon runner, blood giver, pet owner, author, publicist, shero.

God has blessed me because I actively sought NONE of those things.

Where was I going with this post?

Hmmm.

Order in the ...Head?

Yeah man, I'm either doing too much or I'm simply not ordering my day correctly.

How is it that I blink and then its 4pm?!?!

Where did the day go?!

I have so much left to do!!!

Geez!

Now that I'm working from home, I'm gonna incorporate the following between 9-12, 1-5:

1. NO checking on personal email;
2. NO IM or text between these times either.
3. NO personal calls.

These things eat up my day, and mama needs a new pair of shoes!

If I don't work, I don't eat. So begins operation "Work From Home as I Would in An Office."


Discipline Butterfly, discipline.

Lunesta Shumnesta!

Apart from waking up feeling like a zombie, it didn't work.

I've come to accept that when I am having trouble sleeping, what I need is not a pill, but to tire myself out until the only thing I can do is sleep; you know sorta like you'd do a baby.

Also, maybe I am simply special and require less sleep that earthlings.

When I get 4 hrs, I'll be great. If it goes too long, I'll work out.

Yup, I AIN'T taking that last pill.

Cuzzy Cuz

My cousin returned to my life on May 24, 2007; the same day of his dad/ my uncle's funeral.

Since then a relationship has been forged that has truly changed my life.

It's otherworldly.
It transcends space and time.

He gets me; understands me, and listens without judgment.

I'll tell you more about him in time, but for now, he's really changed my outlook on life, he's realigned my focus, shifted my perspective; he's changed my life. I'll tell you more later, but know that he is super important to my world right now and I'm living my life with him in it.

I know God sent him to me.

I went to see him in Virginia last weekend. It was an 8 hour drive that was so worth it! We chatted all day Saturday and Sunday and seemingly picked up where we left off when we were 15.

He's great.

The Italian Can Return There

LMBO!

He loves me, he wants to be with me, I'm his soulmate. Blah, Blah, Blah.

The only thing I respond to is action.

Dear Men of the World,
If you love me so much, drop your baggage and act like you do. If you can, don't or choose not to, then you can stay FAR away from me.
Laters

Job & Money, Job & Money

So, after I was banned from my job, I returned to vacation, and things got worse (as they sometimes do before they get better.)

I was accused of threatening to burn down the building.

Yup, I kid you NOT.

The owner called me late one evening and said 3 people were willing to SWEAR that they heard me say it. Ironically, the three people were the GM, his married girlfriend, and an ex-con; all of whom hate me.

If I said, it, I don't recall. It was that point that I realized that the fight simply wasn't worth it.

Go figure. I quit that night on the phone, but the owner (with whom I worked out all the "you're not durable issues), kinda begged to have me stay on.

The result: I work as a consultant from home. PERIOD. I have what I want, and I no longer have the demon's spawn aka GM in my way.

In other news, I started with a new company that also allows me to work from home. I never leave my apartment unless I have an appointment, but of course I leave so I won't slip into February/ March again.

I'm happy with work, I have an opportunity to make lots of money, and THAT is good.

They're All Mad, I Tell Ya!

Recall my family blow out and my brother being admitted.

Well, TWO WEEKS after my brother entered the hospital, he was released after promising to take his medicine and giving my parents a guilt trip.

So you know I'm plenty pissed off, right?

Why?

1. My brother doesn't get it. 1 day after his release, he stopped taking meds and disappeared again.

2. It STRESSED ME OUT to get him into a GOOD hospital. Based on where he lives, when the police and EMS are called, he must be taken to a state hospital that is absolutely despicable. I had to pull Ocean's 11 -like moves to get him into a better hospital. I can't do that again.

3. Guilt Trip? Are you kidding me? My brother lost 1/2 of his body weight from being too paranoid to eat, and was TALKING TO HIMSELF, and you let him out because he "promised to take his meds"? My brother has NEVER taken his medicine voluntarily.

I'm irked. So irked, they'll deal with it.

Zzzzzz's

I haven't slept in about 2-3 weeks. By sleep I mean more than 3 hours each night.

SO many factors that play into my inability to sleep:
- Family drama and Brother's Bip
- New job
- Revised Old Job
- The Italian
- Cousin

The list truly can go on.

Have you ever smelled Valerian Root? It smells like hot garbage! Hence, I haven't exactly been ecstatic about taking it.

Sad to report that I'm taking a Lunesta tonight. Yes, I'm sad about it. (Not gonna tell you how I got the pills, but I have 3; doing a trial.) I didn't want to resort to meds, but there is so much I need to do that I simply can't afford to be less than 100%. For the last 2-3 weeks, I've been at 43%.

Taking 2mgs tonight and will see you in the am.

Hi

It's been a while.

So much has happened in last 2 weeks that I'm at a loss on where to begin.

I'll simply dive in.

Here I go.

God Said

God told me that I'd be alone for this leg of the journey and that I shouldn't expect to take anyone with me.

I don't wanna, but that's what I'm prepared to do.