Get Thee Behind The Wall!

I've always had trouble with boundaries!

I tell too much.
I let people in too soon.
I won't say no.
I won't tell how I really feel.
I tolerate peoples crap.
I loan/ give too much money.
I over & double book.
I volunteer.
I help people do simple tasks.

Hooray for me! Knowing is Step 1!

Step 2: Recognize Why Change is Necessary

I'm putting up walls aka setting boundaries.

First, Hubby and I have officially declared 2008 as a "no loan/ no give money" year. As much as it's gonna hurt me, I won't.

Why?

Because my husband and I are getting on our feet.

How can we focus on building when we are giving?

If we don't take care of us now and secure our future, we won't be able to help anyone at all. And no, its not all about cash; its about time and creativity, too. I feel like people milk me for all they can get, rarely stick around to return the deposit.

Well, I guess I"ve allowed it.

(Hubby's great with all this, btw. I'm the one that needs the work.)

Step 3: Operation Implement Boundaries Action Plan
No Charity-I refuse to be pimped.
If you don't have a budget, I'm not your gal. Furthermore, Thank you for your compliments on my writing, but I will not write a letter for you, nor will I help you plan anything. I won't make an appearance without payment and I don't need the exposure you offer.

While were at it: I don't trade, I don't comp, I don't accept deferred payment, and I don't volunteer or "help out".

No Time- Waste Your Own
I know what I want and your indecision slows me down. So, I have no interest in doing or going anywhere with you. I have no time to help you figure "it" out and no desire to help you come up with ideas. Helping you with your life and dreams and stuff, leaves me no time to focus on mine.

No Point- I don't NEED friends.
I have a husband; I may want freinds, but I certainly don't need them.

There are so many people who I have allowed to selfishly make demands of my time for many years. Many of whom I have grown apart from, but who insist on holding on. (I've been holding on, too.)

They"re stuck in high school, in college or in a life that is so far from who I am now.

What's the point in reconnecting?
Why should I feel forced to see you just because you're in my city?

So, to you, no, I don't want to linkup, hook up, hang out, grab a drink, chill in Starbucks or get together.

Step 4: Stick to it.

My peace is my responsibility. If I don't have peace, it is MY fault.

I've Got You Pegged!

Ah-Ha!

You're a Time Waster!
A Run-on Conversation Hogger!
A Negaholic!
A Perpetual Victim!
A Kill Joy!
A Self-Absorbed User!
A Loser!
A Jerk!
A Materialistic Glob of Matter!
A Fake!
A Know-it-all!
A Cottenheadedninnymuggins!

Oh, Butterfly, such language!

Yes, but now that I've got 'em pegged, I can class and treat them accordingly.

Don't you see? It's all about being honest with myself, my likes/ dislikes, wants/ needs and limitations.

How do I find time to exercise each day?
Stay away time waster!

How do I have more time to talk to people I like?
Stay away from the Run-on Conversation Hogger!

How do I reduce my depression?
Stay away from the Perpetual Victim, Negaholic and Kill Joy!

Once I recognize the role someone plays or does not play in my peace and serenity, I am THE DUNGEON MASTER in control!

To be in control; what a great feeling!

OCD Overdrive!

I went to the ER today. Yeah, my cold brought a buddy - a sinus headache and an earache that wouldn't go away.

So, around noon I blew my nose (gross), and heard something in my ear POP. I felt like a scene in the matrix; everything went blurry & topsie turvy.

Yup, balance was affected. Hubby wouldn't say anything besides "ER", so I went.

I also went to check on my thumb.

Did I tell u about my thumb?

Well, I slipped on my sister's stairs in November. I was in socks, carpetted stairs, bump, buMP, BUMP. Anyway, I didn't feel a heck of a lot of pain, but its been hurting lately. So I had it checked, too.

But that's not the point of this post.

They had me waiting in Room #3, and I almost went NUTS!

I had to stop the drippy faucet
Straighten the paper on the bed/ chair thingy
Close the babywipes handwipes container
Make the 2 boxes of gloves face the same direction
Line up everything on the counter so they were symetrical!

WTH!

I'm gonna blame that rush of OCD on residual Nyquil in my system. Lol!

Side Effects Suck

Ive been taking my asthma inhaler to prevent my cold symptoms from getting any worse. (That's usually what doc's recommend, and it works.)

So, now I am as Jittery as a .....hmmm, what's jittery?

Well, whatever is jittery, that's how I feel.

So in addition to the hives that cover my joints, hands, upper things and butt (how attractive), I have a sinus headache, I'm jittery, and slightly manic.

Side effects -So not worth it to me.

Hubby loves me and my hive-y parts.
I love him.

Covered in Hives

Yes, I am.

I have a cold - slight head cold.

I took NyQuil and Dayquil and now I'm covered in hives.

The NyQuil worked like a charm. It knocked out my symptoms and help me sleep, but now my body is covered in itchy hives.

:-(

RIP Heath

Sad is just sad.

Everyone gets sad.

The fortunate ones are able to pull themselves through or they have people to pull them through.

It's very sad especially when he took stuff that I've taken - Lunesta.

From one actor to another; from one who's been sad to another; My prayers are with his family.

I Have Permission

Am I sharing how I feel or simply being mean?

Oh, no, this isn't the "if you ask if you're being mean, then you are". Nope, not at all.

I'm all about "being my authentic self", right; and that means that I say how I feel as I feel.

Ok, some back story.

GROSS ALERT

I believe that there is a mind -body connection with everything. I've been dealing with constipation for quite some time. I TRULY believe that being constipated is about holding things in. I.E. thoughts and feelings.

I NEVER voice my discontent, displeasure, annoyance, or irk. I take peoples tantrums, bad attitudes, mean/ b*tchy comments and I simply shrug or smile them off. I cushion everyones feelings at the expense of my own.

NO MORE!

Yup, I'm all about NO MORE CONSTIPATION, but better than that, NO MORE SUPPRESSING FEELINGS TIL I POP!.

So, my sister told me that I needed to "start releasing age appropriately".

Dr. Phil My Sister Seems to frown upon my recent "bursts of truth", like today when I called my aunt a b*tch.

Yup, I did. Why? She's been terribly and consistently mean to me for some time. I would suppress my disappointment, sadness and rage, and today was the day to assert myself.

I'm not spazzing, just asserting myself.

She called me today when I tried to spare her some embarrassment, and she yelled and cursed at me. It wasn't even a thought! I told her to shut up, I let her have it and then I hung up.

Guess what?

I felt sooooo much better!

My sister's take is that I should have hung up or had a more diplomatic conversation.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's what I've done for 30 years!

I've always been the "for peace sake" chick. That's why I'm constipated!

NO MORE!

My reaction wasn't about her or any other person. It's about ME! It's about MY healing. MY peace. MY happiness. MY loving ME.

So, what did I learn?

Well, I know how to approach similar situations in the future, but also that it's ok for me to feel and to share my feelings. I should aim to express constructively, but if there is a choice of my hurt feelings or someone elses bruised ego. I will BRUISE ALL DAY!!!

I've already mastered "Coddling and No Hurting Others' Feelings 101", but now I want my Masters in "Butterfly Has Permission to Feel Whatever She Wants"!

Just a Glass

I've been thinking a lot lately about buying a bottle of wine. You know; just to keep in the house.

I've passed several wine/ spirit stores, and drive by and stare at ads. I see cheap bottles in grocery stores, and in one part of my head it's a good idea.

Maybe I've watched too many episodes of Sex and the City or contemporary TV, period. Seems, like everything on TV is about relaxing with a glass of wine or "taking the edge off" with some Chardonnay.

It all seems glamorous on TV.

But in the other side of my head I know that I already have an OCD personality, and I'm pretty sure that addictive tendencies are also included in that mix.

So, no, I'm not gonna buy any, have any, or keep it in the house.

Evolution Part 2 - Emotional

I finally "get" what it means to be a woman.

Can you believe that I'm 30 and I'm only now figuring it out?

I feel it, and know what it looks like, but most importantly, I feel like I finally have a road map on how to be a "woman".

I'd hear Oprah talk about being "your most authentic self", and I've always desired to be such a woman. I read books, took seminars, wrote in my journal and jumped on every bandwagon head for "self-improvement land".

I sought and sought, and by golly, I finally get it.

Womanhood is where I'm finally comfortable in my skin. It's when I accept and love myself flaws and all, and when I am happy with my life even if nothing ever changed.

It's when I can be honest with myself even if it means admitting failure, imperfections, fear or stubbornness. It's being honest with myself when it means making tough decisions and having tough conversations.

Womanhood is when I make good decisions. When I can look at my life honestly, and not only desire improvement, but take the steps necessary to achieve it.

Guess what?

I've long been afraid of sounding "stupid". You know, those cricket moments.

Well, sometimes my thoughts are extremely conservative or extremely liberal or supernatural. In fact, much of how I live my life is not based on fact or research, but entirely on how I hear God speak to me. (Yes, I know.) Well, for these reasons, I diminished my thoughts, dumbed down and silenced my voice.

NO MORE!

I have something to say (ACTUALLY, A LOT TO SAY), and I WILL say it! Even if people think my thoughts are the wackiest and craziest thing they've ever heard, no one will extinguish my voice ever again! No one will dismiss me!

I accept responsibility for what I say, and I am unapologetic for what you hear.

No more sugar coating. Truth is truth. There are rights and wrongs.

This is where I am.

I am a woman, not because I got married, but because for the first time, I am totally honest with myself. This new honesty starts with me, awareness of my limitations and extends to my marriage, friendships, career, etc.

I wanted to feel better about myself, and so I DID better. I have taken the steps necessary to be my best, most authentic self, and I place my happiness, comfort and peace-as well as that of my husband-above everyone.

What's my point?

I feel good, and am unapologetically a WOMAN!

(Photo Courtesy of Vision)

Evolution Part 1- Physical

Each day is an attempt at being better to me.

Who I am today is a reflection of all the work I've done in the last couple months; and I have been doing a lot of work.

As you know I've battled a mild eating disorder for quite some time. Well, I'm proud to say: "No throwing up since July!"

I did take laxatives last week, and although it was rooted in a desire to be healthy, I did overdue it by taking more than recommended. As a result, I had terrible stomach pains because of it, but hey, I'm evolving.

My weight- 128; down from 135. I want to get back down to my 118-125 range. But I'm comfortable with me right now and all my squishy parts.

My skin is the best its been in months! I would actually go without makeup right now, and wouldn't try to hide behind big hair, a hoodie or sunglasses.

I am very comfortable with me such that if my body never changed, I'd love it as it is.

Despite my personal successes, it amazes me how inconsiderate and insensitive people can be.

How do you tell someone "you gained weight", "your butt is growing", "what's wrong with your skin", or "why do you look like that"?

For example, I have weird shaped hips. Ok, they're not weird shaped, it's just that as I gain weight my body deposits fat on my hipbones that make them look weird to me.

Do you know that people have teased me about this? Yup, to my face when it is know that it is an issue for me.

I absolutely still have stuff to work on, but I also know that what makes people say mean things is THEIR stuff; insecurities, fears and flaws.

In light of my eating and bipolar disorder, I'm proof that people who "look" normal could really be dealing with a lot of stuff!

Well, y'all, I'm good with the physical me.

Receipts Mania!

I save EVERY receipt.

I don't view it as an OCD issue, I see it as smart. Each year I sort through hundreds of receipts and see where my money goes.

So, I spent several days going through all of my receipts, preparing for tax time, and organizing my home office.

I set up an "in" and "out" bin, as well as two folders for bills that should have checks written on the 15th and checks written on the 30th; all to avoid late fees of course.

I created files for everything, and stapled loose leaf paper in each folder so I can take notes as work on them. Oh, and Staples loves me right now because I've purchased every organizational thingy to help me stay on track.

I did good, great in fact, right? Well, if you haven't guessed, I'm MANIC!

True, I need sleep, but it was good mania. I got so much done! Hubby want me to finish up next week.

WHAT, AND LEAVE IT INCOMPLETE??? GOD FORBID.

I'm almost done! Yahoo!

Operation Back to Basics

As I mentioned, I went to Special Care Spa today and the amazing esthetician all gave me a list of self-love rituals to post on my mirror.

I won't give all of them, you'll have to check out her website and email her, but I wanted to give you the ones I am gonna be working on ASAP a well as the other components to my "Operation Back to Basics".

Self-Love Rituals
* 5 fruits, 5 vegetables, 5 grains, 8 glasses of water
* Organize time and include self on a schedule
* Take time for prayer and meditation
* Get a hobby other than the gym

My Additions
* Identify stressors and eliminate them
* 4 Colonics
* Fiber Supplement
* Daily Vitamin

So many of these are a "duh", but if it's not in practice, then it's pointless. I'm gonna do it and I'm sure my insomnia will get better.

Oh Mr. Saaandmaaaan!

Yeah, the sleep ain't coming.

So, Butterfly is gonna be proactive.

Insomnia is a symptom of something; it's not the root cause.

EUREKA!

So, if I eliminate the root cause, then the insomnia will be gone?

You're kidding!

When I was younger and in college, I NEVER took sleeping pills, or any other medicine for that matter. I've always used natural methods to get relief, healing, etc.

So, guess what I did today?

I had a facial, body scrub and massage by a lady that's a nurse AND an esthetician. It was AMAZING!!!!

What made her so amazing is not only that she reiterate things I already new about sleep, skin care, nutrition and exercise, and promised to hold me accountable, but she also gave me a list of self -love rituals to post on ALL of my mirrors!

If I follow her tips, plus some of my own, I am sure to sleep!
How awesome is that!?

I'll write more about self-love in another post, ok. I didn't tell her about challenges I have with bipolar disorder, but her mentioning it made me realize how important it is for me to pay attention to ME; not only when I"m naic or depressed, but also to gauge my stressors, nutrition, hobbies and exercise.

So what am I gonna do?

"OPERATION BACK TO BASICS"

Bipolar and Homeless

I was driving 3 weeks ago and saw a man with a sign that read:
"VIETNAM VET, BIPOLAR AND HOMELESS. PLEASE HELP."

It broke my heart.

What kind of world so we live in when a man can fight for his country, and return to the challenges of bipolar disorder and life on the street?

Where's the justice?

I'm not in total control of my symptoms either, and I'm not gonna dwell on it, but I do have a home.

I gave him some money, but there must be more that I could do.

Hubby and I decided to donate some money and time to So Others Might Eat (SOME).

SOME helps the poor and homeless of DC. They provide food, clothing, and health care, and offer affordable housing, job training, addiction treatment, and counseling, to the poor, homeless and individuals with mental illness.

I'm gonna volunteer as well. My in-laws were very active in the organization and we're gonna continue it.

Operating Give Back '08 is in Full Swing!

Other cool things:
Donate Car
Donate Phone
Salvation Army
Goodwill Industries

Baby, Don't Be Afraid of Change

Spent much of the day talking with hubby about the next steps of my career, and we made a "To Do" list for getting my head shots, taking new photos, and reaching out to agents and working out.

I was naming photographers, makeup artists, stylists, etc that I could work with when he paused me and said, "Baby, why not work with someone new?"

I knew what was coming....He was about to drop an inspirational thought provoking BOMB!

"If these people were capable and had the skills to motivate you and to propel you to personal and professional success, they would have. But they didn't. When you weren't at your best, "your friends" took your money anyway. Baby, don't be afraid of change. Pick some new people."

Wow. He's right. Old contacts see me as who I was, dysfunctional and unable to follow through. Their opinions are tainted. I've made so much progress in the last year that being surrounded by old people is a set back.

A new crew is perfect for a new start.

Hubby sees me as a superstar; not in spite of my challenges with bipolar disorder, but with and because of them.

He's my number 1 fan.

J-O-B.

So, we all know how my last job ended.Never going back into a job setting like that, not ever!

So what am I gonna do for money?

Well, hubby has it so that I don't have to work at all!

He wants me to focus on my acting career; like really pursue it for real instead of being a scardy cat.

But before we had that chat, I signed up for a real estate class.

I'm gonna be a real estate agent!

Not only is it super flexible, and can work around my audition schedule, but the money is good; GREAT, in fact!

I want to sell houses, condos and commercial property, but I'd also like us to buy some and do some real estate flipping.

Who wants to be a landlord?
Ik, and deal with people who don't wanna pay rent?

Nopey.

Wanna know a secret?

Doing what you love increases self-esteem.
Self-esteem helps to reduce depresion.
Depression reduction makes for one sunshiny day!

You Are The Weakest Link!

GOODBYE!

I'm in a zone of ridding my life of things and people aren't conducive to my now.

So what's first on my list of things to go?

Names, phone number, email addresses, pictures, letters, electronics and related material of amyone who ever wanted to f*ck have a physical relationship with me.

As I see it, I've been single for so long, and now that I'm married you all want to rear your ugly heads?!?!

There are some guys who got married and STILL haven't told me, but want to "reach out ever now and then".

GO TO HELL!

POOF, Be Gone!

And, I am so unapologetic about it, too.

I've gotta cleanse my world, not only for my new hubby, but also because ridding crap extra people is so good for cutting down on my mania

All those saps are gonna make/ save me money, too!

I'm compiling all their sweatshirts, electronics and other crap they gave to me and donating them to the Salvation Army!

Yup, tax write -off!

I've gotta find someone to shlep all the stuff out of the house. When I was in NYC, I used Dynamite Movers. Mover NYC is also really good.

Anyway, if you know someone in Md, let me know.

Gypsy Life

Ever since moving to Maryland, my life has been a blur.

I've been to:
Washington, DC
Maryland
Virginia
Delaware
New Jersey
Pennsylvania
West Virginia

I've also been to several cities within each state.

I racked up 8000 miles in two months on a rental car, and I'm pretty proud of that. I LOVE driving.

But it's gotta stop. I haven't spent one FULL week in Maryland since I moved here; which probably contributes to my mania. Anyway, I'm looking forward to staying still for a bit.

I have one more trip to NYC. Gotta get some left behind things, finish up my art class and to check my mailboxes.

February will keep me at home!

The Skinny on Marriage

So what does marriage mean for my modeling career?

Well, if I'm honest, I'll say that I love modeling, and the only reason why I stopped is that I became less accepting of my body.

That's where the ED comes in.

ED-Eating Disorder.

I'm doing a lot better. No throwing up in at least 4 months; no enemas either. My husband thinks I'm gorgeous, and that does wonders for my self-esteem. He also made me promise not to punish myself (more on that later).

Anyway, I started off in runway, went to commercial/ print modeling, and currently my body type is ideal for the Kim Kardashian, women's lingerie-type shoots, and I have done some in the past, but, I'm married and I don't want to do those anymore.

But I am gonna do some for my hubby.

Hmmm where was I going with this?

Oh, I am learning to accept myself, and instead of "you suck" being the motivator in my work outs, I want to be healthy and feel genuinely good about myself.

I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but I am also the happiest, too.

Home Sweet Home

Our house has really consumed our time and my thoughts.

Ok, consumed is an understatement. I'm manic.

I've always rented, never had a mortgage, and I really want to do things right.

We don't fall into the millions of Americans stressed out over the mortgage crisis and terrible adjustable rate mortgages. We have a really good situation, and for that I am thankful.

But we've gotta protect our assets, so that means homeowners insurance, property taxes, water/ sewer bills, and we've also been looking into mortgage life insurance.

What is it?

Well, if something happened to my husband or myself, our beneficiary would have a house.

GREAT?!

Maybe, if they can pay the monthly bill.

If not, they've just inherited a headache. So we're looking into this. Basically, the house would be paid off if anything happened to us. It would also provide them with a hell of a lot of equity.

Just one thing I've made myself manic by studying.

Sigh.

Dude, Where's My Head?

Lately, I've been really absentminded.

On two different occasions I requested cash back: once at a grocery store and the other at the Post Office. Each time, I requested $50, AND LEFT WITHOUT IT!!!!

Who does that?!?!

Fortunately, I was able to get the money back from the Post Office when the rep counted his drawer later that evening. The money was gone by the time I returned to the grocery store.

And then yesterday, I went to a store, shopped and then left my purchases IN THE CART!!!

AGAIN?!!?

Yes.

They're holding the bags for me, but this soooo needs to stop.

A Question

The blinds and thick curtains that keep the street lights out at night so I can sleep are the same blinds that keep the sunlight in the morning that help me wake up.

Which do I get rid of?

Me & Brittney

I've been watching Nancy Grace for the last hour.

They're really approaching the Brittney Spears issue all wrong and it disgusts me.

Not sure what happened with Brittney? Click Here.

She was in a drug treatment/ rehab facility on 3 seperate occassions. It really doesn't take a genius to see that she really needs help.

Unless you've been on that gurney, unless you've felt crazy, unless you were "convinced" that the world was against you, you can't possible understand.

It's tough to watch, and I hate all the judgment. I wish I could talk to her.

This is all to reminicent of Anna-Nicole.

It makes me want to puke.

Hi Guys.

Yeah, I'm back.

As much as I tried to stay away, I realize that blogging actually helped me...a lot!

Blogging enabled me to get so much stuff out of my head, and when I stopped, well, the stuff stayed in my head and kinda gave me mental constipation made me act weird.

So I'm back.

I've gotta get caught up on all of my friends in blogspace.

Butterfy's back...(said with a pout.)