Over and Out

I forgot to tell you that I stopped the Lexapro.

I started on March 19th, and took it for 3 days. that was all I could take.

I lost 10lbs, and hubby was NOT happy.

My brain felt awesome! I was clear, I was able to think and to plan, and to be productive. If only my body would cooperate. I was so nauseous that all I could do was lay in bed!

So long Lexapro, my life doesn't permit 1 week of nausea; although my waistline looks great!

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I didn't stay on the Lexapro ONLY to lose weight.

Unleash the Beast ...Called Nausea

Hubby and I decided to go back on meds.

SHOCKER, I know.

With one month shy of a full year off meds, we jointly decided to buy some time.

We had both been experiencing an increase in symptoms. Fortunatley for us, when I was manic, he was depressed and when I was depressed, he was manic; so we were able to pull each other out of the funky funk funk of depression.

For me, we decided that I would take only the Lexapro (10mg) every day for 5 days, then every other day, then a 1/2 every other day, until I no longer took it. (No Seroquel.)

Why?

We have A LOT going on - court, home sale, career, etc. They all require that we focus on them simultaneously. We recognized that we fell behind in a lot of areas, and with our p-docs/ t-docs supervision, we're going to use the medicine to play catch up. Our careers, lives and finances depend on our ability to be focused. Once we've cleared the emergencies, we'll ween it out of our system.

Am I ashamed to have gone back on meds?

Not at all. There's no honor in having your life fall apart when a tiny pill can buy you some time to get it together. Lexapro bought me some time. Elavil bought my husband some time.

We came up with the weening, and our docs said it was a great plan for a med-commit-phobic couple.

With that said, the house is filled with PEPPERMINT! I was nauseous 10 MINUTES AFTER I TOOK IT!

Brain is clear, gotta grab a mint.

I'll keep ya posted.

Ikky, Ikky, Yuk, Yuk!

Have you seen this?

It's an ionic foot spa. Have you seen the ionic foot pads on TV; you stick it on the bottom of your foot and it turns black or some other color?

Well if you're like me you thought this was totally bullsh*t a scam. I, too thought it was gross when I saw it on TV.

So, following my colonic on Thursday, I tried this ionic spa aka aqua chi thingy. My understanding of it is that the body has positive ions. A negative ion thingy that looks like a halogen bulb is placed in the water. Over a 30 minute period, the positive ions in my body (which includes the toxins) would be drawn to the negative ion in the water.

Ok, I really haven't read up on it a whole lot, but it was pretty shocking, gross and down right horrifying to see my water turn orange, then brown, and then dark brown with black flakes!

IKKKKKY!

Each color corresponds to a toxin. When the water turned orange it was drawing out the toxins in my joints. Ironically, the negative ion thingy leans toward the left side of the spa, and I have had pain in my right knee. Hmmm.

The black flakes were the toxins being cleansed from my liver.

LIVER! WHAT?

Liver as in the Lexapro and Seraquel I took have been living in my liver?

Get it out at once!

It was a dirty ikky sight. It could be a Houdini trick, but what appeared in the water totally got my attention.

So, Next Stop: The Bed.

Meds, and then what?

I once read a book called the Mcdonaldization of Society. It basically highlighted that the globe is becoming more focused on immediate gratification and satisfaction.

The emergence of the microwave, minute meals, crazy diets, plastic surgery and of course meds, evidences this fact.

As many of you know I stopped taking meds last April. The side effects sucked. As one who doesn't normally take meds, swallowing tiny pills capable of knocking me out for 12 hours simply couldn't be healthy (at least in my mind). So I stopped.

My withdrawal was killer, so if you're gonna stop, be advise that it totally sucks.

Anyway, I've started exploring alternative medicine and therapy to manage my symptoms. For example, I've tried Valerian Root to help me sleep, and greatly reduced stress in my life.

Lost track of my point, but I think it was along the lines of: popping pills is easy, but is it good?

I didn't want to be a pill popper when I had time to explore other options. So my March 2008 is all about alternative therapies.

First up Colonics.

Butterfly Goes to the Doctor -Part 1

I had a head cold in January that wouldn't go away.

I was very successful with keeping it out of my lungs by using my asthma inhaler every 3 hours, but the post nasal drip, sore throat, and runny nose wouldn't go away!

Additionally, I had THE worst sinus congestion EVER!

Although I try to stay away from meds, I tried Dayquil and Nyquil, remember?

Result: HIVES

They went away, and then one day I blew my nose, and my ear popped. It popped so loud and hard that I had vertigo. I scared me and so I went to the ER.

Dr. Dumb Dumb recommended Sudafed and ASSURED me that it wouldn't give me hives.

Guess what?

MORE BLOODY HIVES!!!!!

Bigger, itchier hives!

I'm done. All medicine and officially go to HELL!

Side Effects Suck

Ive been taking my asthma inhaler to prevent my cold symptoms from getting any worse. (That's usually what doc's recommend, and it works.)

So, now I am as Jittery as a .....hmmm, what's jittery?

Well, whatever is jittery, that's how I feel.

So in addition to the hives that cover my joints, hands, upper things and butt (how attractive), I have a sinus headache, I'm jittery, and slightly manic.

Side effects -So not worth it to me.

Hubby loves me and my hive-y parts.
I love him.

Covered in Hives

Yes, I am.

I have a cold - slight head cold.

I took NyQuil and Dayquil and now I'm covered in hives.

The NyQuil worked like a charm. It knocked out my symptoms and help me sleep, but now my body is covered in itchy hives.

:-(

RIP Heath

Sad is just sad.

Everyone gets sad.

The fortunate ones are able to pull themselves through or they have people to pull them through.

It's very sad especially when he took stuff that I've taken - Lunesta.

From one actor to another; from one who's been sad to another; My prayers are with his family.

Meds for Friend Trade?

There's a lot that I want to do.

But, lately I'm very aware of my behavior and wondering if people think I act weird.

I met a girl 2 years ago. We were both models for a new swimsuit line. I thought she was amazingly cool. We exchanged cards and vowed to stay in touch.

She's sweet and I liked her a lot.

Well, we reconnected, and she's shared her business platform with me, and wants to hire me as a consultant and minority partner.

Huge opportunity?
Hell yeah!

Potential to make good money?
No doubt!

But can I last the course?
Can I go the distance?
Will I need breaks and time outs, etc?

Should I take the meds to ensure I am a good friend & worker to her and myself?

There's also a lot that I'm doing with my cousin. I need to ensure that I can complete what I start. He and my work deserves the best me possible.

To go back on meds or not.

Hmmmm.

9-1-1 No More

I will NEVER call 9-1-1 for my brother again.

After being released 2 weeks ago, he's back in the hospital.

The stress this brings to my world in unacceptable.

Towel in hand.
Towel thrown in the ring.

I will NEVER call 9-1-1 for him again.

Lunesta Shumnesta!

Apart from waking up feeling like a zombie, it didn't work.

I've come to accept that when I am having trouble sleeping, what I need is not a pill, but to tire myself out until the only thing I can do is sleep; you know sorta like you'd do a baby.

Also, maybe I am simply special and require less sleep that earthlings.

When I get 4 hrs, I'll be great. If it goes too long, I'll work out.

Yup, I AIN'T taking that last pill.

They're All Mad, I Tell Ya!

Recall my family blow out and my brother being admitted.

Well, TWO WEEKS after my brother entered the hospital, he was released after promising to take his medicine and giving my parents a guilt trip.

So you know I'm plenty pissed off, right?

Why?

1. My brother doesn't get it. 1 day after his release, he stopped taking meds and disappeared again.

2. It STRESSED ME OUT to get him into a GOOD hospital. Based on where he lives, when the police and EMS are called, he must be taken to a state hospital that is absolutely despicable. I had to pull Ocean's 11 -like moves to get him into a better hospital. I can't do that again.

3. Guilt Trip? Are you kidding me? My brother lost 1/2 of his body weight from being too paranoid to eat, and was TALKING TO HIMSELF, and you let him out because he "promised to take his meds"? My brother has NEVER taken his medicine voluntarily.

I'm irked. So irked, they'll deal with it.

Zzzzzz's

I haven't slept in about 2-3 weeks. By sleep I mean more than 3 hours each night.

SO many factors that play into my inability to sleep:
- Family drama and Brother's Bip
- New job
- Revised Old Job
- The Italian
- Cousin

The list truly can go on.

Have you ever smelled Valerian Root? It smells like hot garbage! Hence, I haven't exactly been ecstatic about taking it.

Sad to report that I'm taking a Lunesta tonight. Yes, I'm sad about it. (Not gonna tell you how I got the pills, but I have 3; doing a trial.) I didn't want to resort to meds, but there is so much I need to do that I simply can't afford to be less than 100%. For the last 2-3 weeks, I've been at 43%.

Taking 2mgs tonight and will see you in the am.

Brother Admitted

Not sure if you recall, but I have a younger brother who was the first to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I think part of my manic blow up on Sunday was fueled by seeing how much weight my brother had lost. When he is off meds and nearing the point when he must be hospitalized, he stops eating.

When I saw him on Sunday -approximately 2 months since the last time - he was half his size.

Anyway, mother finally "saw" that he needed intervention and had my father call me to assist with getting him to a hospital.

He's in; for the 4TH TIME in 3 years because my parents can't set boundaries and give hi consequences for not taking his meds!

Pissed.

Bye Bye, Nice Guy

Ok, so you have a disorder.

I DO TOO!

In no way does the disorder give you license to be a BITCH, ASSHOLE, or an INTENTIONALLY MEAN F*CK!

EVERYDAY I try to be a better human.

* I stay away when pissy;
* I walk away when I'm angry.
* I remain quiet when nearing mania.
* I NEVER snap without provocation.
* I read self -help books.
* I listen to self -help cds.
* I TRY.

What the hell do you do?

How dare you judge me!!!!!!

What is wrong with the world where everyone thinks it's okay to attack personally because they're pissed off?

All my life I have refrained from personal attacks even when attacked myself.

What did I get?

More personal attacks! More references to being crazy, needing meds, having my opinions, thoughts and feelings invalidated.

I think what the world needs is a dose of mean - Butterfly style.

Yes.

UGLY, STUPID, BRAIN DEAD, CLUELESS, FAT, NASTY, ANTI-SOCIAL, JADED, PROMISCUOUS, NO TALENT, WASTE OF SPACE, WASTE OF AIR, GHETTO, OLD, AGED.

How are those?

Do those work for you?

No one is exempt!

How about you're a short, Napoleon complex having weirdo freak?

How about people HATE being around you because you're such a disgruntled SOB?

How about you make me sick to my muthaf*ckin core?!?!

DON'T ATTACK ME!
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!

Thanks, Vanessa

After the blow up with my family, I returned home feeling drained, frustrated and wanting to swallow pills.

Yes, Butterfly actually thought about taking Seroquel.

It was just entirely too much.

Prior to the blow up, my neighbor invited me to listen to some of her poetry. I really wasn't in the mood, and had every intention on giving a "not today" blow off, but when I returned home, her smiling face soothed me.

I sat in bedroom and listened as she read what seemed like 12 poems.

She smiled, laughed, and was so appreciative of the time I spent with her.

She told me that she's been doing great since her last stint in the hospital, and that she credits my ER pep talk with jump starting her life and the reason she has been stable for so long.

Wow. I made a difference. So why was I feeling so guilty?

My sister called me selfish today for not being as present with my parents and brother as she has been. For a brief moment, I recalled her words and felt that the time I gave to Vanessa, I could have given to my parents or brother.

Oh, heeeeeeeelllllllllll, NO!

I was not going to allow myself to feel guilty for doing what was best for me. Yes, sometimes family does come first, but if I'm not well, I can never help my family. There's a reason why the flight attendants instruct you to secure YOUR oxygen mask FIRST before assisting someone else.

Each day I am in a fight against my mind, my soul, my past, my very being.

How f*cking dare you or anyone judge me!!

No one can judge me. My life is between me AND GOD! PERIOD!

I'm responsible for my life. I'm 30! When I am 35, after taking care of the world, if I have nothing to show for my life, no on will say, "Oh, how sweet, Butterfly sacrificed her life and success for the good of others".

Bullshit!

For anyone who wants to take meds, TAKE THEM, but you don't judge me for choosing not to!

You want to sacrifice your time and be stressed?
DO IT, but don't judge me for choosing to avoid stress like the plague so I'm not a muthf*cking asshole to everyone I encounter!

You want people to treat you like shit and accept less that you deserve, DO IT, but I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING CARE OF ME FIRST!!!!

You want to lay your life down?
GO AHEAD, but I'm NOT a martyr and I refuse to be vilified for not choosing to be.

I Gotta Pause

I'm having difficulty turning my brain off. I'm racing again.

Last time I was at this point, I started swallowing Seroquel and Lexapro.

Must-do-something-different.

I'm eliminating voices.

This week:
- NO TV
- NO Newspapers/ Magazines
- NO Music
- NO Phone
- NO Aimless Internet Surfing

I need to strip away things that affect my ability to think and to hear me.

NO!

I'm manic.

I know it, but NO I'm NOT TAKING MEDS!!!

Although I have thought about it, it's simply not the answer for me.

I was covered in hives on Monday and couldn't stop shaking. So, what?

I could have calmed down, but truth is, I didn't try hard enough.

I'm not sleeping on my own any more. So, what?

I'll start with the Valerian Root again tonight; maybe.

This is all happening because I've been stressed.

I hate the GM.
Distrust the owner.
Hate my job.
Hate the new staff.
Feel like I must prove myself.
Want a new job.
Frustrated with looking.
Want more money.
Want a vacation.

I want to set the muthafuckin place on fire!

Take that!!!!!

Hell, I could go on and on, but it'll only bring more shit to me. I have shit cuz I thought and kept dwelling on shit. Yeah, back to the Law of Attraction.

Damn law of attraction.

Please don't ask me about meds. That deal is off the table. I'm NOT taking them. End of Discussion.


Hmmm
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Bip Reality Pt 1

8:15 Friday night, I am jolted out of bed by a BANG on my door.

It's my neighbor (Vanessa) - crying hysterically, and partially frozen. She hands me the phone. It's her friend.

The friend ask if I can check in on Vanessa periodically because she has issues with her nerves, she's in some pain, and really doesn't want to be alone.

Well, the friend lied to me because she didn't know how much I knew. Vanessa has bipolar disorder as well as a couple other things including hypochondria. When she gets upset or stressed, she shakes and then becomes catatonic.

So, I get her to her bedroom, gave her 2 Tylenol for her leg pain, and ordered food for both of us. While waiting for the food, I made her some chamomile tea (to calm her down), and went back to my apt because hers was FILTHY.

She had more newspapers, magazines, tissue boxes and dust than I had ever seen in my life! It instantly made me wheeze, so despite her desire not to be alone, I physically couldn't do it.

She ate 1/2 of the sandwich I ordered, and I encouraged her to relax. She seemed to be doing better, so I returned to my apt.

10:45ish I am JOLTED out of bed by screaming. You know the sleep where you hear something, but can't readily connect that it's not a dream and that it's actually happening?

BINGO!

My sleep is shot, my nerves are on end. She's back, slumped at my door, and screaming.

"I'm in pain, I can't be alone, my parents left me and went to Atlantic City, I hate them, please don't call the police, you must hate me, they're gonna put me in a home, I wanna die, I'm not a drug addict, its was just a little pot, can you sit with me, I hate my life..."

I share this because I'm a couple months removed from my last depressive or manic episode, and this night held a mirror up to my Feb, March, April.

I called her father, who was less than enthused,and had ZERO desire to return immediately Atlantic City. He told me to call 9-1-1 and "have them come take her".

Callous? Much, but here's why:

She's 58.
Her parents are 88.
Diagnosed 1970.
Has had shock therapy.
"Carried" a baby for 7 years.
4 non-supportive siblings.
Taking klonopin (Clonazepam), Ambien CR, Celexa
Physically abused for not behaving.

The sad laundry list goes on.

I called 9-1-1 after I discovered she drank a bottle of Robitussin for non-existent emphysema, an after realizing that the best thing for her was the ER. The best thing for me was also her being in the ER.

I had to be honest with my limitations. It wasn't a matter of "it's not my responsibility", but seeing her as I did, made ME stressed.

She was non-cooperative with NYPD and paramedics unless I was there. I even got angry with one paramedic because he yelled at her and screamed that he needed to take her blood pressure.

I grabbed him by the arm the same way he did her and scolded him not to ever do it again. Then I showed him exactly how to get her to cooperate; which she did.

I ultimately went to the ER with her, and stayed until 2am until she gave blood work, took meds, and relaxed.

Before I left the ER, Vanessa apologized to me (she called me every obscenity on the planet and made some up as well, but I'm used to that). I told her an apology wasn't necessary. What she said next crushed me:

"Natasha, I'm trapped in my own body. I want to be normal, I want to have a life, a boyfriend, friends, but I feel like I can't be alone. I don't trust myself to take care of me. No one listens to me or knows how to take care of me. My family is sick of dealing with me. What do I do?"

I've been there, but I had no answers.

I told her that I, too was bipolar, to which she SCREAMED that she was not.

I've learned in the last couple months that sharing what made me better, at times appears judgmental, so she didn't want me to, but I prayed with her, and assured her that I'd call the next day.

I'm in Remission

Did You even know that there was such a thing as bipolar remission?

That article was the result of searching for how I felt.

Remission. I feel like I am in remission.

There is so much online about remission. I knew it wasn't in my head. Remission really IS what I am going through.

One site said: Bipolar disorder may involve long periods of remission between episodes. Everyone can be lulled into a false sense of security. This fosters denial of the illness and premature medication cessation.

Wow!

Wait, now remission means it could come back. Hmmmm, I guess it's too early to tell if I'm in remission or if I healed myself. My goal is to heal myself, so I'll keep ya posted.

Anyway, I feel great to know this, like I'm more aware and have been given a heads up on an assassin that may try to get me. Or maybe I watch too much Law & Order.

So grateful for info available on the Internet.