I'm Back ....Therapy Update

I am going to force myself to type because I know it's good for me. I have 15 posts to finish and by golly I'm gonna get through them tonight.

So here we go.

My therapy is going well. Hubby suggested that I see her twice a week!

She's great, really supportive, and more supportive-er than any therapist that I have ever had. She's tough with me, she gives me hugs and she is sensitive to my moods and lets me work them out in my own time.

Hubby spoke with my therapist 2 weeks ago. They shared their mutual appreciation and then I got on with my session.

Therapy should be a part of everyone's life; not, just in a crisis, but all the time. Therapy should be more routine than a gynie exam.

Good t-docs are out there. Find one. Keep one.

Gratitude Moment: So thankful for people who devote their life to helping us sort it out.

Unleash the Beast ...Called Nausea

Hubby and I decided to go back on meds.

SHOCKER, I know.

With one month shy of a full year off meds, we jointly decided to buy some time.

We had both been experiencing an increase in symptoms. Fortunatley for us, when I was manic, he was depressed and when I was depressed, he was manic; so we were able to pull each other out of the funky funk funk of depression.

For me, we decided that I would take only the Lexapro (10mg) every day for 5 days, then every other day, then a 1/2 every other day, until I no longer took it. (No Seroquel.)

Why?

We have A LOT going on - court, home sale, career, etc. They all require that we focus on them simultaneously. We recognized that we fell behind in a lot of areas, and with our p-docs/ t-docs supervision, we're going to use the medicine to play catch up. Our careers, lives and finances depend on our ability to be focused. Once we've cleared the emergencies, we'll ween it out of our system.

Am I ashamed to have gone back on meds?

Not at all. There's no honor in having your life fall apart when a tiny pill can buy you some time to get it together. Lexapro bought me some time. Elavil bought my husband some time.

We came up with the weening, and our docs said it was a great plan for a med-commit-phobic couple.

With that said, the house is filled with PEPPERMINT! I was nauseous 10 MINUTES AFTER I TOOK IT!

Brain is clear, gotta grab a mint.

I'll keep ya posted.

Mom and Pop

Hubby's parents are deceased. His dad died last year, and his mom died in 2001.

Is this weird?

Hmmm, there's no way to say this on a bed of pillows. Hmmm, I guess the reason that I feel the need to place what I'm about to say on a bed of pillows may point to me feeling that it is weird.

I enjoy sitting at their grave site.

I read there. I play in the dirt, and I talk to them. I NEVER thought I would be THIS person who would do this, but it works.

I told T-doc about this, and she said it was OK; it is simply my way of finding peace sometimes. Hmmmm

Anger Management

I need it ... badly!

I HATE than anyone can control me to the point that I blow up and want to bash their windshield with a baseball bat!

T-Doc said I needed to write and get this out, so I guess the blogosphere is elected to read it.

I saw the bitch today (aka my aunt). She's part of an ongoing case. I wanted to choke her with the car club. I wanted to spit in her face and punch her in the stomach. I ran to my car after our session in chambers because I wasn't confident that I would try to punch her in her breasts, kick her in the shins, rake my nails down her arms, or pull her wig off. I simply wanted to cause her pain.

There. I got it out.

I'm craving a lobster tail. I had one last night and it was so good.

Anyway, you know what I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND!?!?!?!
I HATE when someone asks how I feel and I reply with rage like above, and then the dumb f*cksbastards, reply with: "Well, what would that solve?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

How about you go away right now before you are on the receiving end of my wrath and then you get to SEE firsthand exactly how great I feel after!

Aaaaah!

Anyway, I need anger management. T-Doc is gonna help me.

T-Doc -Rock or Roll?

Two sessions in and I really like her.

I walked in pouty, irritable, wanting to be sucky and missing hubby. I left smiling, up beat and focused.

AND THEN SHE SAID IT: "I'd like you to consider starting the medication again."

WHAT?!?!? You traitor! How dare you? We were going so well!

Ok, so I added the dramatics for effect. It was more like: "I understand why you think I should take them, but that's not an option for me right now. However, I will discuss it with hubby."

I've been having some trouble lately (more on that later), and I love her commitment to helping me without being pushy.

Introducing the New T-Doc

Yup, I have a new one.

Hubby suggested it, and started with one, too. Eventually we'll do couples counseling, but for now we each have 1 hour/ weeke to work on and talk with a t-doc.

My first session was on Saturday, and it went really well. She has a great personality, and is friendly, and of all my t-docs, after one session, she's in the running for being the best.

We spoke a lot about things happening in my life, where I am right now, and what I want, my marriage, etc. It went well.

Between the colonics, and the therapy happen, I feel like I had a blissful couple days at a spa; far cry from me wanting to get to some rest in a rehab or some mental illness and addiction treatment .

Life is good for me right now. Lots of hiccups and ups and downs, but I truly can’t complain.

Simplicity

Is just a meditation of my heart
Pure and conscious thought
Be overstanding and be smart
Listen to the children speak the word
And shine the light in the dark

Simplicity me use to survive
Many find it difficult because they ignorant and die
Simplicity me use to survive
Do what you doing properly...that's the way through life
Simplicity By Sizzla
These words kinda represent where I am in my life right now. The Western way of life revolves around excess, to gather and to have stuff; lots of stuff whether you're using it and wearing it or not.

There are people in our neighborhood in need of the clothes, shoes, dvd players or curtains collecting dust in our home, and so we're gonna give big Oprah-style!

So hubby and I are seeking simplicity. We are downsizing in as many ways as possible. Our plan is to get rid of everything that we aren't using, put the rest in storage, and then take a cross country road trip in one of those RV travel trailers thingys.

I love driving, and so does my husband, so it's perfect!

All duplicates go! Anything we haven't used in 6 montnhs, GONE!

We're gonna make it hapen. But first, we're selling our house. Stay tuned!

Hi All

The last 2 months of my life have been a whirlwind.

To be honest, there were several moments when I wanted to blog, and had the time to blog, but I think I wanted to put distance between me and "being bipolar".

Since moving to Maryland I've been able to ignore symptoms or drown them with house cleaning, adjusting to a new town and impending married life.

Truth is, the change threw me in severe mania.

I noticed it when I hubby -to be told me that I was talking really fast, and A LOT.

Yup, sign numero uno.

Couple that with not sleeping, high irritability, and yup, manic mode.

So that's kinda why I'm back.

Kinda because I realyl missed the interaction with you all, and kinda because I am admitting that I can't do it alone.

I've jotted down the names of some tdocs to see. It will get better. Stay tuned.

Prenup for Friends?

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense.

Regular pre-nups allow each party to depart a marriage with everything they entered with or at least on terms that work for them.

Why can't you have the same thing for friendships?

There are people who've exited my life either by their own choosing or by my design. Some of which who really want to be friends again.

The fuzzy wuzzys are cool, but can I really trust them? Naw!

So I'm instituting the Pre-nup for Friends; it's specific to sharing information.

In essence, those who sign it would be forbidden to talk to anyone about me (including the media). They would also be prohibited from defaming me and from writing books about me. Those who do, would of course breach the contract, and be sued. Those who left my life wouldn't be permitted to return without signing the pre-friend.

Sound cold?

Well, as I see it, they left my life for a reason. Reasons don't simply disappear, so its likely to reappear when I'm even more successful.

Could a friendship last under these parameters?

I think so. That way I'm free to be completely comfortable and honest.

What about new people?
Well, case by case basis might work.

Hmmm, I guess this speaks to my level of trust for others, huh.

This isn't where want us to move as a world, but I don't know how to let people back in without some insurance.

Users

We'd be hard pressed to find someone who thinks "using a person" is a good thing.

We hear it all the time. "He used me, she used me. I'm devastated. How can I go on? Wah Wah Wah!"

Then u get the flip side who says "that no one can be used without their consent."

What's my point?

Well, using, no matter how you slice it, is wrong. Let's be honest, keeping someone around you primarily for your benefit is wrong.

If you have zero romantic interest in someone but keep them around for their financial, social, benefit to you, you're a user and you're wrong for it. Karma is gonna bite you in the butt.

What prompted this?

Well, I did a big girl thing today.

Remember The Italian?

Well, he's been lurking in the shadows. Has he been a support? Absolutely -emotionally and financially. However, guys always have a hope for more, and I new this each time I accepted his money and took his calls.

Well, today he called he went through the usual "I still love you" crap. This time I told him the truth. No I didn't say "I only keep you around for your money and to stroke my ego". I simply told him that the liklihood of us ever getting back together was slim to none.

THAT'S the truth. When I can speak the truth, that's when I'm absolutely FREE!

All I have in this life is me. I can't afford to lie to myself. Hey, I don't want anyone using me for money, affections, attention or companionship, so why do it?

Keeping the good karma channel clear, free and ready to receive.

Dad Said It, So It's Ok

Told dad about Friday....a very loose account.

His reply: "Why are you going to keep working at a job that doesn't respect you? Leave it."

He said it very calmly, and it clicked.

This simply isn't working. Some people want me to fight and to stick it to the GM, bu I'm drained with fighting. I don't want to fight any more. I'm ready to right my my resignation letter.

There's a saying: "When things get uncomfortable, its time to leave." Things have been uncomfortable for me for a while now.

I feel like God is pushing me to take a step, and the "how" in "how will I take care of myself" shouldn't be my concern. What I need to focus on is to obey and trust each step of the process.

So that's what I need to do. I've got to move as God leads, and I'll trust that He really does know better than I do.

It's just so hard to do that.

Hey, thanks for joining me in this journey. May God show Himself to you, through me.

What's Your Problem?

Are you "mentally ill?"

Do you have a "chronic illness?"

Do you have a "psychological disorder?"

Do you have a "chemical imbalance?"

What's your problem?

I say this tongue in cheek of course, but only to draw our attention to how our words shape our behavior.

Bipolar disorder is a chemical deficiency that affects you psychologically. The deficiency of chemical transmitters leads to unpredictable mood swings ranging from depressive symptoms to manic symptoms.

It is NOT a terminal or chronic illness.

When I hear "chronic illness", I think of cancer that has spread throughout the body. I am not that, nor will I live thinking that there is something "wrong" with me or that there is a disease invading my body.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Some people have extra fingers or webbed feet.

I have low chemical levels.

Some people have a third nipple or cleft lip, my moods experience tremendous highs and lows.

Some people swallow 20/day or inject insulin; I monitor my stress, pray, journal, read motivational books and stay positive.

There's nothing "wrong" with me. I was simply dealt different cards.

What were you dealt?

Me Speak

As I strive to be my most authentic self, it calls for me to do what I want regardless of what he, she or you think.

It requires me to say what I want regardless of my words' seemingly premature entry to your ears.

I am free to be me.

What does me mean?
"Please don't send me your x -rated texts and emails anymore."

"Please don't send me your silly "send-to-10-people" chain letters."

"No, you can't come into my house. Please do not ask again."

"Please stop sending me so many texts."

"I think its best that we no longer speak."

"I don't discuss my relationships."

"Please no longer call me after 8pm."

"Your negativity is affecting me. I need time away from you."

"We will never get back together."

"I don't trust you."

"You're mean."

"That you love me is great, but I don't share the sentiment."

"Your married. You're scum for telling me you want me."

"Why play the game, you're never leaving your wife."

"Please stop flirting with me."

"No one can stand to be around you."

"I can no longer tolerate your cursing."

"Call me when you have something happy to talk about."

Ok, I think that's all.

Not mean, not rude, simply honest. Honesty represents my best self.

Forging the Anvil

Amanda's Awesome.

The following was taken from her blog "This Side of Reason":

"Don't you want to get up?" I asked.

"No," he looked at me pathetically, "I'm too sad."

This is something I understood only too well.

"It's ok to feel sad." I said to him with a lot more cheer than I felt. "But can you imagine what would happen if people would just sit there every time they felt sad?!

You wouldn't be able to buy any bread. The baker would be too sad to bake them. The stores would stay closed. The cashiers would be too sad to open them. Houses would burn down, the firemen would be too sad to put the fire out."

Now he was giggling. I kept making my examples more and more outrageous until he was jumping about laughing and coming up with his own examples. Soon he had changed clothes and he went out to play.

Ok. Hate me. But should I have really sat there and commiserated with him for an entire afternoon?

If he grows up to be manic-depressive like myself and his grandfather, and that's entirely possible, it might be a good idea to already learn how to separate feelings from actions - instead of learning at 30 or 60, like we did.

Feelings from actions. So profound.

Regarding Butterfly

Over the years I've allowed people to chip away at me.

The sucky thing is that they've been able to do so without me recognizing just how much of an impact they were having on my life.

When I isolate myself, I truly feel it's my way of drawing closer to what I know is right and true. I isolate myself to reconnect. Isolation is like my white blood cells; isolation fights the infection brought by other people.

I know, if I isoate too much, it could be problematic.

What I really need to ensure is that I have sufficient me time (aka isolation) and that I connect only with people who are good for me.

I never got drunk.
Weed was always unacceptable.
Gossiping was wack.
Whining and negativity were pointless.
Cursing was a no no.

Slowly, all of theses things were allowed entry and God and me were shut out.

So now, no drinking to get drunk and I won't be around people who do.

Weed, not near me.

I don't want to talk about anyone and I don't want to listen to it either.

No whining and I sure as heck don't wanna hear it.

Cursing I'm done with that. I'm disgusted that I've ever used them like I did.

So, times are a changing.

People may not like this new me, but she's not new at all. This is the true me, and all that matters is that I want her here.

Me, Me, Me Part 3

I am mostly right.
I work hard.
I try.
I'm better than you.

It's not fair to think this way, but I recognize that I do.

Relative to being bipolar, I do think I try harder than most to get it in gear.

Like everyone, I have my set backs, but when I started this blog - which has been very therapeutic - my goal was NEVER to return to March 07 when I was actively contemplating suicide.

How was it that I was becoming worse rather than better?

Well, as I see it, I've been self -absorbed.

There is a way to be active in the mental health community without losing myself to the disorder. I need not filter everything through being bipolar, and it sure as hell isn't an excuse for everything.

I've read books, taken classes, taken online classes, went to therapy, listened to tapes, deleted people from my world, changed thinking, changed patterns of behavior, and I'm really trying to fight.

I have done the work to get where I am. I need to show it.

Truth is, I don't always see that tenacity and fight others - bipolar and not - and i judge them.

I hate when people waste my time by asking me stupid questions that can easily be revealed online or in a book.

I have bipolar disorder and so every moment must be valued as one to keep me on track. I have no time for nonsense!

But, I admit that I wrongfully view people as lazy, ignorant, whiny, and sometimes plain stupid for not getting things that come easy to me, or that I think they should simply get.

I realize that no one is like me, but it doesn't stop me from becoming frustrated and judgmental.

I don't like that about me, and so I'm gonna fix it.

That's another thing. I'm proactive. It irks me when people aren't.

So, I'm taking a step back from a lot of things and a lot of people.

I'm gonna do me.

Do what makes me happy, and yes, STOP WHINING!

To Be Continued....

Me, Me, Me Part 2

Ever notice how when you're working or taking care of someone else, you have less time to think about your life?

For example, I admire Amanda's strength.

I think her perspective on bipolar and her tenacity to live, instead of merely survive, stems from her desire to be the best mommy for her son.

I've watched her evolution, followed her process, admired her posts, and then it clicked.

Take your mind off of you, and the result is just that - your mind is off of you!

EUREKA!!

So, I joined an online prison pen pal ministry called Prison Fellowship.

I requested two pen pals and now have names of two inmates that I can encourage.

What's more hopeless than being locked behind bars?

What's worse than being locked behind bars with bipolar disorder?

What's worse than being locked behind bars with bipolar disorder with ZERO family support?

Next stop, a high school tour. I have an investment analyst looking over my proposal and he's gonna get me funding or fund it himself.

I'll give you more details later, but for real, the whining is so gonna stop.

I can't stand it!

Cuz

He's been a great support over the last week. I've spoken to him every day, sometimes up to 3 times a day.

We talk on the phone, write each other a lot, and plan to visit in October.

He gets me.

It's unreal how much he gets me. I know that God brought him into my world for such a time as this. When no one else understands me, he does. When I need to vent, I can, and he walks me through. The best part is that I draw strength from him. He is one of he strongest people I know; wise, intelligent, and strong.

I have the flu right now was having severe body aches 3 nights ago. After praying, I thought about him and how strong he is, and was able to get to sleep. He's been through a lot in his life, and thinking about him and how he overcame and continues to overcome, makes me think less of my issues.

He's great.
He's my therapy.

Are You Playing With Turds?

Someone once told me: "Stop trying to make a turd into a jelly donut.”

Translation:
If a situation is bad, leave it. Don’t try to make it into something it’s not.

I was playing with turds; jobs, people, situations.

Are you playing with turds?

Family Therapy

My family is dysfunctional.

There are 7 known people with bipolar disorder in my family, but yet we tiptoe around the issue. We won't talk about meds, doctors, and the word "bipolar" because my parents haven't had a conversation with my brother that they should have had 5 years ago!

It's so f*cking stupid!

Well now, certain "names of places" are off limits because it could be a potential trigger for my brother as well.

My family is f*cked up because everyone is so focused on keeping secrets that no one is taking the time to deal with the real issues!

Yeah, yeah, maybe to some extent, every family is dysfunctional. But for me, I'm tired. I wish I could blink it away like Bewitch.

We had a HUGE family blow up today. As many issues that came to the forefront, NONE came to the forefront.

It became painfully clear today that my sister and I have two very different views of our mother.

I can't even be mad.

Our differing experiences with the same woman has shaped our views, opinions and respect.

Well, my sister has been recommending family therapy for some time. My father has also suggested it.

But is everyone ready for what I know?
Is everyone ready to know WHY I dislike my mother so strongly?
Is everyone ready to take a trip 30 years into the past?