Pissed

Today's Aha moment:

In my quest for connection, I've shared my life and my story with people who not only didnt earn the right to hear it, they did not share with me in measure.

I loved people more than I loved myself.

I'm not depressed, just pissed about it.

Tired of Starting Over

I know that I'm not a weirdo, but how can I be so OCD, but yet, have conditioner in my hair for 4+ days under a shower cap, under a wig cap?

Who does that?

How can I check and recheck the alarm system, but get exhausted with taking a shower?

I made so much progress with my face. My skin was amazing, radiant, clear. But the mushrooms are back. My face looks like shit because I haven't washed it since Thursday.

Until I cycled high this morning and washed the dishes, I had a bowl with nuclear waste sitting in the sink. But I am OCD.

I swear to God. I hate this shit. I hate that I'm not the me that I liked and enjoyed and was so productive, and fun and dependable, and pretty. I'm a busted shell of who I used to be.

I'm tired of starting over. Each day I wake up is another day that I start from scratch; not where I left off yesterday, but from scratch! I'm in a perpetual state of rebuilding, over and over, and over and over.

FUCK!

Just when I think I have a handle on this..... I'm not happy right now.

1 Year Ago Today

Happy Birthday to ME!

One year ago yesterday, I was under suicide watch until I escaped out of the hospital.

On year ago today, I felt like this, this, this and this.

I had a huge birthday party last year. I was VERY manic, but I ultimately had a good time, I think. Don't remember much.

This year, I self-checked all day long to gauge how I felt.

Was I sad about my family not saying happy birthday? Nope. I was just sad that they didn't pause their "You Suck" Campaign to give me some peace today.

I really feel like they would prefer me dead than married.

I want to tell them I hate them, only because I want them to have their peace disturbed as much as mine is. I don't mean it, but I wish they would back the fuck heck off and be grateful that I am in my right mind. I'm not hurting anyone, but all of a sudden no one can cope. "I'm just hurting them oh so badly. F*ck off!

It's cool. At some point, God place ginormous amounts of courage inside of me. I'm taping into it and refusing to be depressed.

I have an interview tomorrow.

Anger and Control

I have a lot of anger about a lot of different stuff.

I've heard that anger is the result of feeling out of control. It's true. I want to control people and make them do what I want them to do. I want to control situations so they have the outcome that I want.

Clearly, I didn't complete "Such is Life 101".

But who is my anger affecting? Me.

So how do I get rid of my anger?

Well, T-Doc is away for the week, and hubby is big on my learning to cope without the aid of a doc, meds, or him, so I'm gonna have to try. I think I need to distance myself from what angers me. Well, lately it's more or a who that a what.

I've got a laundry list of people that evoke rage and/or disgust: Ex's, Former friends, Judges, Marshals (more on that later), etc.

So here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna distance myself from all of them with no remorse. I'll adopt a que sera sera/ whatever attitude. I'm going cold turkey with what I CAN control. Everything else will fall into place as it does.

So I'm blotting out every memory of any one that has irked me, could irk me or might irk me.

Last Monday I spent 20 minutes throwing up because I got so angry. That was followed by 2 hours in the dark and in the fetal position because of a severe migraine.

Guess what? The people that made me mad, went on with their day.

I need to preserve my peace.

Calgon take me away.. or at least get me a cushy foam mattress.

Anger Management

I need it ... badly!

I HATE than anyone can control me to the point that I blow up and want to bash their windshield with a baseball bat!

T-Doc said I needed to write and get this out, so I guess the blogosphere is elected to read it.

I saw the bitch today (aka my aunt). She's part of an ongoing case. I wanted to choke her with the car club. I wanted to spit in her face and punch her in the stomach. I ran to my car after our session in chambers because I wasn't confident that I would try to punch her in her breasts, kick her in the shins, rake my nails down her arms, or pull her wig off. I simply wanted to cause her pain.

There. I got it out.

I'm craving a lobster tail. I had one last night and it was so good.

Anyway, you know what I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND!?!?!?!
I HATE when someone asks how I feel and I reply with rage like above, and then the dumb f*cksbastards, reply with: "Well, what would that solve?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

How about you go away right now before you are on the receiving end of my wrath and then you get to SEE firsthand exactly how great I feel after!

Aaaaah!

Anyway, I need anger management. T-Doc is gonna help me.

Forgiving Me

I'm truly angry with myself for allowing the GM to get to me the way he did.

It frustrates me that I couldn't handle the situation better and that the only course of action was violence and disrespect.

With my spirit, I know that he is a demon in flesh and that I wrestle not with is flesh and blood, but against the demon that he has allowed to take residence in him.

With my head I know that I should be cool, walk away, and ignore.

But my heart is bruised.

I've called the GM about 8 times today and hung up before he answered. I was gonna call him all the words I am trying not to use.

I called his wife 3 times, but then I remembered that I promised my cousin that I would be peaceful.

I want justice for what he said to me, but I know that my moderation-o-meter is defective.

So torn.

(P.S. I liked the picture. Made me think of my hand in God's.)

Dad Said It, So It's Ok

Told dad about Friday....a very loose account.

His reply: "Why are you going to keep working at a job that doesn't respect you? Leave it."

He said it very calmly, and it clicked.

This simply isn't working. Some people want me to fight and to stick it to the GM, bu I'm drained with fighting. I don't want to fight any more. I'm ready to right my my resignation letter.

There's a saying: "When things get uncomfortable, its time to leave." Things have been uncomfortable for me for a while now.

I feel like God is pushing me to take a step, and the "how" in "how will I take care of myself" shouldn't be my concern. What I need to focus on is to obey and trust each step of the process.

So that's what I need to do. I've got to move as God leads, and I'll trust that He really does know better than I do.

It's just so hard to do that.

Hey, thanks for joining me in this journey. May God show Himself to you, through me.

Beware of Garbage Trucks

By David J. Pollay

How often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood?

Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day?

Unless you're the Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what's important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson.

I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches!

The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.

And I mean, he was friendly.

So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck. Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.

When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

You'll be happy you did.

So this was it: "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets?

It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore."

I began to see garbage trucks.

Like in the movie "The Sixth Sense," the little boy said, "I see Dead People", well, now "I see Garbage Trucks."

I see the load they're carrying.

I see them coming to drop it off.

And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day.

What about you?

What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?

Here's my bet.

You'll be happier.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so..

Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance , TAKE IT!
If it changes your life , LET IT!

Flashing High Beams

I'M FLASING MY HIGH BEAMS!!!

MOVE OUTTA THE WAY!

Sorry, I have some where and someone to be. I have stuff to do, people to meet; no time to drive behind you will you cruise control through life.

Can't figure out where you wanna go?

Oh well, Speed up, or switch lanes!

Secret Ritual

I have a secret ritual - I burn names.

Yup, I do.

When I need to get over something or someone, I write the name or the situation on a piece of paper, and set it on fire.

Sorta symbolic, I guess. This GM thing has my head swirling, but I promised my cuz that I wouldn't have the GM's jaw broken, follow him home or pick a fight.

Gotta write his name down and burn it.

The following will be added to the burn list:
Owner
Asst. GM
GM's GF aka WHORE
Ex Con

Ashes to ashes; dust to dust.

I Got Detained

GM called me a "crazy bipolar street whore".

I punched him in the face, choked him and then spit in his face.

Yeah.

He called the cops (one of whom was a friend).

I sat in the cop car while they told me I couldn't attack people for their words.

Still in shock that I did that. It happened Friday.

Gonna wreck his life.

1:12pm - His demise isn't worth my freedom. I really want to wish him undescribable harm, but I am reminded of The Secret. I'm moving.

2:28pm The owner told me yesterday that I should go home and brish the dirt off my shoulder. Don't let him get to me.

The owner is now on my shit list. Calling EEOC.

Slowly Creeping Back

It's been 7 days since I posted, and I'm slowly creeping back.

What do you so when you’re angry?

I’ve been very angry for a while, and there is no way for me to dispense my wrath.

With 1 in 5 mentally ill people incarcerated, I can’t do anything.

Now what?

Me Casa NO Su Casa

What is the deal with people wanting to come to my house?

I have NEVER tried to force entry into anyone's home!

I need to pee.
I really gotta go.
It'll take too long to get home.

I need to change.
Just a quick change.

My cell just died.
But I need a land line.

Can I use your Internet?
I just need some driving directions.
In and out, I promise.

I DON'T permit people into my home.

Why?

I just don't, and I'm tired of explaining!

Hell, I don't question why I'm not permitted to walk on your carpet with my shoes, so stop asking me why I don't permit people in my personal space!

IT'S MINE!!!!

Don't you think that I know it's weird?

My house is my safe haven.

If I knew why I had so much difficulty permitting people into my home, don't you think I'd fix it?!?!?!

The last time I let someone "just use the bathroom", they sat on the couch and refused to leave!

I'm done.

Across the board, NO ENTRY.

Geez!

Get Over It, Butterfly

The longer I live, the more it is confirmed that NO ONE GETS ME.

No one ever has.

They try to understand me, they try to get me, but in the end, their stupid comments push me away from them.

This isn't one of those "A for Effort" deals. How can you think you're being helpful when everything that spews from your lips is NEGATIVE?!?!?!

"Why do you care so much?"
What? Why do YOU care about what YOU care about?

"Why are you stressing about this?"
Are you kidding me? Why do YOU stress about what YOU stress about?

"That really isn't your issue."
Thanks for sharing, moron. Exit my life stage left.

I'm NOT required to justify why I care about anything or anyone.

My causes are my causes.
My time is spent where I want it.
My money will be spent there, too.

I am clearly alone in this one. Me and God; Me and God.

10 Things NEVER to Say to Me

1. Calm down.
2. Relax.
3. It's in your head.
4. You're making a big deal out of nothing.
5. It's not that serious.
6. Why are you stressing?
7. Are you for real?
8. Aren't you stronger than that?
9. You don't know what you're talking about.
10. You're stressing for nothing.

Bye Bye, Nice Guy

Ok, so you have a disorder.

I DO TOO!

In no way does the disorder give you license to be a BITCH, ASSHOLE, or an INTENTIONALLY MEAN F*CK!

EVERYDAY I try to be a better human.

* I stay away when pissy;
* I walk away when I'm angry.
* I remain quiet when nearing mania.
* I NEVER snap without provocation.
* I read self -help books.
* I listen to self -help cds.
* I TRY.

What the hell do you do?

How dare you judge me!!!!!!

What is wrong with the world where everyone thinks it's okay to attack personally because they're pissed off?

All my life I have refrained from personal attacks even when attacked myself.

What did I get?

More personal attacks! More references to being crazy, needing meds, having my opinions, thoughts and feelings invalidated.

I think what the world needs is a dose of mean - Butterfly style.

Yes.

UGLY, STUPID, BRAIN DEAD, CLUELESS, FAT, NASTY, ANTI-SOCIAL, JADED, PROMISCUOUS, NO TALENT, WASTE OF SPACE, WASTE OF AIR, GHETTO, OLD, AGED.

How are those?

Do those work for you?

No one is exempt!

How about you're a short, Napoleon complex having weirdo freak?

How about people HATE being around you because you're such a disgruntled SOB?

How about you make me sick to my muthaf*ckin core?!?!

DON'T ATTACK ME!
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!

Thanks, Vanessa

After the blow up with my family, I returned home feeling drained, frustrated and wanting to swallow pills.

Yes, Butterfly actually thought about taking Seroquel.

It was just entirely too much.

Prior to the blow up, my neighbor invited me to listen to some of her poetry. I really wasn't in the mood, and had every intention on giving a "not today" blow off, but when I returned home, her smiling face soothed me.

I sat in bedroom and listened as she read what seemed like 12 poems.

She smiled, laughed, and was so appreciative of the time I spent with her.

She told me that she's been doing great since her last stint in the hospital, and that she credits my ER pep talk with jump starting her life and the reason she has been stable for so long.

Wow. I made a difference. So why was I feeling so guilty?

My sister called me selfish today for not being as present with my parents and brother as she has been. For a brief moment, I recalled her words and felt that the time I gave to Vanessa, I could have given to my parents or brother.

Oh, heeeeeeeelllllllllll, NO!

I was not going to allow myself to feel guilty for doing what was best for me. Yes, sometimes family does come first, but if I'm not well, I can never help my family. There's a reason why the flight attendants instruct you to secure YOUR oxygen mask FIRST before assisting someone else.

Each day I am in a fight against my mind, my soul, my past, my very being.

How f*cking dare you or anyone judge me!!

No one can judge me. My life is between me AND GOD! PERIOD!

I'm responsible for my life. I'm 30! When I am 35, after taking care of the world, if I have nothing to show for my life, no on will say, "Oh, how sweet, Butterfly sacrificed her life and success for the good of others".

Bullshit!

For anyone who wants to take meds, TAKE THEM, but you don't judge me for choosing not to!

You want to sacrifice your time and be stressed?
DO IT, but don't judge me for choosing to avoid stress like the plague so I'm not a muthf*cking asshole to everyone I encounter!

You want people to treat you like shit and accept less that you deserve, DO IT, but I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING CARE OF ME FIRST!!!!

You want to lay your life down?
GO AHEAD, but I'm NOT a martyr and I refuse to be vilified for not choosing to be.

Family Therapy

My family is dysfunctional.

There are 7 known people with bipolar disorder in my family, but yet we tiptoe around the issue. We won't talk about meds, doctors, and the word "bipolar" because my parents haven't had a conversation with my brother that they should have had 5 years ago!

It's so f*cking stupid!

Well now, certain "names of places" are off limits because it could be a potential trigger for my brother as well.

My family is f*cked up because everyone is so focused on keeping secrets that no one is taking the time to deal with the real issues!

Yeah, yeah, maybe to some extent, every family is dysfunctional. But for me, I'm tired. I wish I could blink it away like Bewitch.

We had a HUGE family blow up today. As many issues that came to the forefront, NONE came to the forefront.

It became painfully clear today that my sister and I have two very different views of our mother.

I can't even be mad.

Our differing experiences with the same woman has shaped our views, opinions and respect.

Well, my sister has been recommending family therapy for some time. My father has also suggested it.

But is everyone ready for what I know?
Is everyone ready to know WHY I dislike my mother so strongly?
Is everyone ready to take a trip 30 years into the past?

Persona Non Grata

I went to work in Friday to pick up my check (nope, the company does not have direct deposit).

Not only was my check short $600, but I was also escorted from the building!

I was told that I am NOT permitted in the building as per the GM, and if I had an issue with it, I should contact the owner.

I tried calling the owner, and he didn't take my call.

F*CK Him!

I'm on vacation until Thursday. I'll let them play their hand.

But, Stay Tuned cuz I'm Burning MAD!!!!

Dumb Group

I joined a bipolar yahoo group on Friday.

I introduced myself to the group and told about myself and linked to this blog.

I get an email from the moderator telling me that she "edited my post so she could delete my blog" and that "I was in violation of her stupid group rules."

Well, kiss my ass! There are other groups! I'm out!

I unsubscribed.

Was it that big of a deal?

I know. Extreme reaction. I'm not mad, but I'm not going back to her dumb group!