I Wanna Stop Compensating

I hate that I alter the way I act because of the way people see me.

Although I may not always feel pretty, I am a pretty chick. I know that people see me as pretty, and I know that when I walk into a room I have a 50 -50 shot - love her or hate her.

People are either gonna give me a chance to be me, or they will automatically hate me and assume that I am a snooty bitch.

Why do I care? After 31 years, why the hell do I still care?

Sometimes, hubby stops me and says, "Honey, you're a beautiful woman. Women want to be you, men want to fuck have you." That's your lot. You're never gonna blend in or be average. Accept it."

Isn't he the greatest?

I love him. But it is true. I've been here before.

Anyway, I'm working on trying to care less about how people see me. It's that darn need to please disease. I got it bad. I want to be liked or at least I want to have a fair shot actually being responsible for the way people feel about me.

I forgot my point. This post came about because I started new job. There's chicks at the office, and I feel like I need to dumb down and ugly-down to have some peace.

Already I am the "know it all" who wants to wear open toed shoes. But do they really see me that way or is that my self -esteem and "need to be liked" issues that are preventing me from soaring as I know how?

Oh brother, this is a lot. Ok, ending this post.

Anger Management

I need it ... badly!

I HATE than anyone can control me to the point that I blow up and want to bash their windshield with a baseball bat!

T-Doc said I needed to write and get this out, so I guess the blogosphere is elected to read it.

I saw the bitch today (aka my aunt). She's part of an ongoing case. I wanted to choke her with the car club. I wanted to spit in her face and punch her in the stomach. I ran to my car after our session in chambers because I wasn't confident that I would try to punch her in her breasts, kick her in the shins, rake my nails down her arms, or pull her wig off. I simply wanted to cause her pain.

There. I got it out.

I'm craving a lobster tail. I had one last night and it was so good.

Anyway, you know what I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND!?!?!?!
I HATE when someone asks how I feel and I reply with rage like above, and then the dumb f*cksbastards, reply with: "Well, what would that solve?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

How about you go away right now before you are on the receiving end of my wrath and then you get to SEE firsthand exactly how great I feel after!

Aaaaah!

Anyway, I need anger management. T-Doc is gonna help me.

Evolution Part 2 - Emotional

I finally "get" what it means to be a woman.

Can you believe that I'm 30 and I'm only now figuring it out?

I feel it, and know what it looks like, but most importantly, I feel like I finally have a road map on how to be a "woman".

I'd hear Oprah talk about being "your most authentic self", and I've always desired to be such a woman. I read books, took seminars, wrote in my journal and jumped on every bandwagon head for "self-improvement land".

I sought and sought, and by golly, I finally get it.

Womanhood is where I'm finally comfortable in my skin. It's when I accept and love myself flaws and all, and when I am happy with my life even if nothing ever changed.

It's when I can be honest with myself even if it means admitting failure, imperfections, fear or stubbornness. It's being honest with myself when it means making tough decisions and having tough conversations.

Womanhood is when I make good decisions. When I can look at my life honestly, and not only desire improvement, but take the steps necessary to achieve it.

Guess what?

I've long been afraid of sounding "stupid". You know, those cricket moments.

Well, sometimes my thoughts are extremely conservative or extremely liberal or supernatural. In fact, much of how I live my life is not based on fact or research, but entirely on how I hear God speak to me. (Yes, I know.) Well, for these reasons, I diminished my thoughts, dumbed down and silenced my voice.

NO MORE!

I have something to say (ACTUALLY, A LOT TO SAY), and I WILL say it! Even if people think my thoughts are the wackiest and craziest thing they've ever heard, no one will extinguish my voice ever again! No one will dismiss me!

I accept responsibility for what I say, and I am unapologetic for what you hear.

No more sugar coating. Truth is truth. There are rights and wrongs.

This is where I am.

I am a woman, not because I got married, but because for the first time, I am totally honest with myself. This new honesty starts with me, awareness of my limitations and extends to my marriage, friendships, career, etc.

I wanted to feel better about myself, and so I DID better. I have taken the steps necessary to be my best, most authentic self, and I place my happiness, comfort and peace-as well as that of my husband-above everyone.

What's my point?

I feel good, and am unapologetically a WOMAN!

(Photo Courtesy of Vision)

A Question

Why have I not yet told my landlord that I'm moving?

In honor of this post, I added a new tag: Confrontation.