Sleep, where are you?

I haven't been sleeping. Well, I have, but not the good, ooo weee, that feels so good sleep.

Seroquel stopped working at 100mg. I was switched to some new thing called Fanapt, but it's too new. I don't trust anything when a pdoc can give samples. To me, that means a pharmaceutical sales rep is pushing something new that hasn't been sufficiently tested. So, I'm not taking it.

I tried klonopin on Thursday night, and I passed out at work on Friday. If my cellphone didn't ring, I would probably still be sleeping at work. I hate that drugged feeling, so I didn't take it Friday night or Saturday night. Not sure what I'm going to do tonight.

I wanted to do the seroquel because of my involuntary frowning and incessant jaw clenching. I was waking up with a headache because if how I locked my jaws. I needed something different.

I'm looking at melatonin. It's an otc product. I'll keep you posted.

I need to sleep!

I'm Back

It's been... almost 6 years without a post, and now I'm back.

Ashamed? Yes.
Angry? Yes.
Disappointed? Yes.

How did I return to 2006?

I'm on Lexapro and seroquel again, with lamotrigene thrown into the cocktail.

Panic attacks started this new chapter. They started in April, and got progressively worse until I knew that I had no choice. It was medicine or I'd lose my job.

Ironically, in the course of trying to be normal and keep my job, I lost my relationship(s)...two of them.

That's all for now.
I'll reconnect with you all soon.

In the interim, I'm back and pissed.

Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 3

So let's do a bullet list

Skin THEN
* Got more sun
* Drank more water
* Washed face nightly
* Got facials

Skin NOW
* I am in the house A LOT
* Drink maybe ~1/2 Gallon/ month
* Routinely sleep with makeup
* Last facial was February

Hmmmm.

Body THEN
* Drank lots of water
* Ate healthier
* Didn't eat as much or as late
* Worked out at least 3x/week

Body NOW
* Drink a case of soda/ week
* 3-4lbs of Swedish fish/ month
* What is a salad?
* I roll over at night to eat/ drink
* Workout?

God Then
* 1 hour daily devotion
* Fast once/ week
* Church every Sunday
* God in every aspect of life
* Like -minded friends

God NOW
* Devotion when I can
* Maybe 2 full hours/week
* Fast once/ month
* Church every Sunday (after long hiatus)
* God needs to be everywhere
* I'm strange to peers

Things to consider:
* Didn't have diagnosis
* Work required fit body

That's it. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't think of any other excuses. It's clear that I haven't been doing my part.

Butterfly, success leaves clues, man. Look at your life, it's there, it's all around. Redo what worked before, and Git R Done!

A return to basics will enable me to maintain clam during the inevitable ebb and flow of life.

Just a Thought

It's Day 2 of being semi back and I think I am OD-ing on blog posts.

There's so much to tell, share, write about, and as I get caught up on your blogs, I am motivated to write even more; but it's overwhelming.

Today, I am rapid cycling; in fact I've been this way for the last week. I tried to convince myself that I am really not bipolar at all, and that my only issue is that "life" isn't exactly the way I want it.

2004 was a great year for me. I've been toying with the idea that if my hubby and I went back to 2004, would I still be experiencing such periods of mania and depression?

The answer may be easy for you, but um, no so much for me. So, let's just say that's all for now.

Getting Caught Up

What hasn't been happening?

I've seemingly had a GA-zillion jobs. In the last week I was averaging 16 hour work days between 3 jobs - gym, virtual assistant and restaurant (more on that later).

With the gym, I am a consultant. I go in, assess their trouble areas, and implement policy to fix them. I'm amazingly efficient when my head is right.

Anyway, they have LOTS of problems with their employees' performance and accountability, so in addition to micromanaging their staff, I implemented corporate performance management as well.

The owners can be terribly frustrating at times because they are so inefficient, but they like me and are willing to allow me to have whatever schedule I want as long I stay with them. So we'll see.

Selling Me Out

I've been thinking about awareness, cash, work, life, coping, etc, and then I read a blog piece that Lil Kim and Foxy Brown were each given an advance to write a book that they did not deliver.

Then it hit me - I need a book deal!

Not only will the advance take care of bills, but it will also allow me to be at home (in an environment conducive to my professional success). I'll have an opportunity to raise awareness and to educate as well.

So what's my angle, what'll be my selling point? Hmmmm, not sure, but maybe I'll pitch the real face of mental illness. Hmm, gonna start by writing Oprah along with Amber and then write a couple pitch letters to publishers.

I'll keep you posted.

Can't wait to be on Oprah, the View and signing my book at Barnes & Noble!

They're Not Gonna Kill Me

Remember my torn esophagus?

Well, it's stress related. I bet you couldn't see that coming.

Apparently, when I stress, I get acid reflux. The acid burns my already weak throat.

Huh, what? You didn't know I Was stressed?

Oh yes. That's why I am about to go in and QUIT!

Its true....

Bitches win; at least in the short term.

Yeah, yeah, the whole karma thing won't happen if you're not a good little girl today, but imagine the satisfaction in the moment when you see a face change to horror and shock after you say, "shut the fuck up."

How do I work?

Everyone, everywhere is dumber than I am, but I must work for and under them!?

How the hell does that make sense?

I'm 30 how do I learn to work with STUPID people NOW? Isn't it too late for me?

Is it the personalities that I'm not good with? What am I doing?

On one hand I want to work for myself, but I fear accountability because when I don't feel like working, I don't want to work. So there is security in a job, but damn must I always be around morons and assholes? Why must I work with them?

Who is them, you ask?

Them are the bookkeepers who act like they're Harvard grad CPA's! Hell you don't even do payroll on a muthafreaking spreadsheet, you do it by hand! WTF is that shit?!

Your job ain't that great. You're only still here because you're the only ass willing to work for $8/hour! And that bullshit about you being here on an assignment from God, yeah, that's bullshit, too. You just a skill-less bucktooth bitch!

Suck on deez!

Sorry, for the curses, just purging this out of my system.

UPDATE:I'm not even 30. I'm 31!

What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

I did it again.

I went on an interview this week.
They wanted to hire me.
I ignored all of the calls.

Didn't I just write about giving away my power?

I had a talk about integrity with my husband. I think I lack integrity. He thought I was being hard on myself. Maybe I hate confrontation. Why the heck do I care that people spent time interviewing me and I don't want to work for them?

Why can't I just say "I decided to accept another offer?"

Oh brother.

I guess when I can do better I will. I want to. I really do. I feel so dumb for ignoring my ringing phone.

Operation Start Over No. 93863428109419...

My Day This Far:

4am: Awake? What the hell for?

5am: Turn on the radio. I might as well be entertained.

7am: Geez. Still Awake.

8am: Startled out of sleep by mother calling. Ignore. Feeling drugged.

10am: Come on Butterfly, we can face the world.

10:15: In the shower. I finally rinse out the conditioner out of my hair. As I shower, I get light-headed and need to sit. It's too hot, I'm too hot. I lay down in the tub and pass out for a bit. I come to and finish with my shower. I must have gone too long without a bath. I'm now allergic to it.

10:45: Out of the shower, headed to kitchen for orange juice, Emergen-C, some tea and to write this post.

And now it's 10:50am.

I gotta have a plan today other than getting back into bed or laying on the couch under the covers. A failure to plan is planning to fail, isn't it?

Well, my body is in anxiety attack mode because I dread going outside. Yes, the agoraphobia is back. How do I feel? Well, no one can judge me at home. People will see that my skin is blotchy, I wear wigs, I'm a little fat in the tummy and notice that I act weird; and so it's safe here.

Ok, here comes the other part of the brain:

No Butterfly, you're focusing on your fears - False Expectations Appearing Real. You are much stronger than you give credit for. Remember the book "What Would You Do if You Had No Fear?"

Yes, I do.

What would you do today if you had no fear?

Ok, I would:

1. Go to three places where I want to work and try to get an interview on the spot.
2. I'd pitch my proposal to the local studio and start my modeling classes there.
3. I'd follow through with planning next Tuesday event.

Ok, so what's stopping you?

What if I don't get an interview? What if you do?
What is the studio isn't interested? What if they are?
What if I can't find a designer and models in time? What if you can?

Ok, I get the point.

It's so cliche, but I'll say it cuz you need to hear it. "Nothing beats a try." I think you are so afraid of being accountable and then messing up that you've simply stopped trying or you try and flake at the end. You are letting your bipolar disorder win.

Come on. I'll help you. Drink your juice, dry your hair and get dressed. We're going to find money.

Ready?

Not really, but ok.

On 3: 1-2-3 Let's Go!

Time 11:01am.

Stay Tuned.

I Do It, Too

One of the things that is very unnerving with my brother is that he talks to himself.

He is bipolar as well, but I've also heard terms like "schizo-affective" tossed around.

He talks to himself about anything and everything.

Witnessing it is unnerving, unable to make it stop is frustrating.

And then, someone at work told me "You're talking to yourself again", and it wasn't in the "oh-ha-ha-you're-talking-to-yourself" kinda way.

When I do talk to myself and people notice, I address it. I tell them that I talk to myself and I answer, too (people think it's cute to reply with the "as long as you don't answer" bullshit).

I'm doing it more, I think. I do it when I watch TV, in movies, drive. Maybe because I have less forced interaction with people.

It doesn't bother me; just an observation.

So, here's another question:Is admitting that you talk to yourself and comfortable telling others (me) better or more evolved/ self -aware than failing to admit (brother)?

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I have a home where I am comfortable being me.

I Wanna Stop Compensating

I hate that I alter the way I act because of the way people see me.

Although I may not always feel pretty, I am a pretty chick. I know that people see me as pretty, and I know that when I walk into a room I have a 50 -50 shot - love her or hate her.

People are either gonna give me a chance to be me, or they will automatically hate me and assume that I am a snooty bitch.

Why do I care? After 31 years, why the hell do I still care?

Sometimes, hubby stops me and says, "Honey, you're a beautiful woman. Women want to be you, men want to fuck have you." That's your lot. You're never gonna blend in or be average. Accept it."

Isn't he the greatest?

I love him. But it is true. I've been here before.

Anyway, I'm working on trying to care less about how people see me. It's that darn need to please disease. I got it bad. I want to be liked or at least I want to have a fair shot actually being responsible for the way people feel about me.

I forgot my point. This post came about because I started new job. There's chicks at the office, and I feel like I need to dumb down and ugly-down to have some peace.

Already I am the "know it all" who wants to wear open toed shoes. But do they really see me that way or is that my self -esteem and "need to be liked" issues that are preventing me from soaring as I know how?

Oh brother, this is a lot. Ok, ending this post.

Did I ....Ooops, I did it again?

I had to blog really quickly. I'll be back later tonight.

I'm working, but I didn't take the job as a leasing consultant.

I just went to work, and they have a "No Open Toe Shoe" policy.

WTF!

It's 85 in Maryland today!

It's clear, oh so clear, I ain't supposed to be working for nobody! (Double negatives added for emphasis!)

Work Panic

Ok, so this is your warning:

WATCH WHAT YOU ASK FOR!

I asked for a job.
I wanted to work.
I got a job.
Now I don't want it.

I am petrified! I really am. I'm due to start on Monday as a leasing consultant which is totally new territory for me.

The title scares me.
The 9-5 day scares me.
The being told what to do scares me.
The having to do that annoying fake laugh scares me.

I'm only doing it to get active a bit and stop touching our savings, but I really don't want to show up!

Hubby says I'm having anxiety about new stuff. Yeah, yeah. I know that I should embrace it as an opportunity to do something new and learn something new.

But that's the thing: I don't like NEW! I don't like NEW people either. (My co-workers would always tease me about my inability to tolerate new-ness.(

Yeah, I know that new is good, but new is change, and I only want the change I want! (FOOT STOMP!)

There. I said!

I'm hoping hubby will give me permission to skip it. I doubt he will :-(

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful that I HAVE a job to turn down.

More on Work

So I didn't take the job and didn't think twice about it.

Hubby had an interesting idea: be a consultant for what I know and do well.

Yes! I drafted a proposal and sent it to a couple companies, and my week is filled with meetings!

The 9-5 work day isn't for me. I've tried it and tried it and it doesn't work for me. I can't sit still, my concentration leaves me and I becomes a problem for the company. I won't go through that again.

The company that wanted me to work for them is a franchise. The company I worked with in NYC was also a franchise. So, I started thinking: maybe we should get a franchise. We would get the national marketing and established branding that comes with the franchise, but the ability to tailor daily operations to our values.

Two sites to check out if you're interested:
UKFranchise
US Franchise

Is it ME, or Work?

So I got a job, and they loved me. They really loved me.

Last Saturday I spent the day with them, kinda like a trial to see if they like me and I like them.

The verdict: They loved me MORE, and I think they suck.

They expected me to be in this past Saturday, but I didn't go. I didn't even tell them I wasn't coming.

The commute is too far (40 minutes), and the boss and I would ultimately have issues because he is much too free with his sexism and need for a bj.

What's my deal?

I swear, I don't know. Honestly, I really don't think this has nothing to do with being bipolar. Maybe I'm spoiled and accustomed to jobs where I come and go as I please and answer to no one. I know it's not the real world, but at 30, isn't it too late for me to learn "corporate America"?

I don't want to lie to anyone, I don't want to sell false dreams, I don't want to deal with people's insecurities with themselves, I don't want to deal with people's crap!

Why the hell does anyone need to work 8 hours a day anyway?

Can't you get it done in 4?

Hmmm. So, I'll keep looking.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful for a working computer.

Mrs. Midas

I haven't spoken about my career in while.

Not sure if I mentioned it, but I'm an actress and model. Okay, moving on.

I get castings each day. Castings are basically jobs that I can submit for. I have been TERRIBLE with responding to the castings. I'm backed up...WAY BACKED UP on my submissions.

Part of my delay is a racy mind, but much of it stems from my fear of success (yes, success) and from feeling that I'm not ready because of my body; hence, increased ED (eating disorder) issues.

But here's the thing: I have been casted after EVERY submission!

I have done a major movie AND just got a call that I am going to do a national cooking show!

Hip Hip Hooray for me!

So, why can't I see that I am good enough and keep submitting?

Amanda left self reflection in my comments recently. She said she once asked the question, why do I hate myself so much.

Why do I hate myself so much?
Why do I NOT see myself as good enough?

Damn, do you have this many issues because I sure as hell feel like I'm one big ball of screw up.

Maybe that's the issue. Amanda eluded to it. I need to love me. Amanda Rocks!

Thanks to Robin Pellegrini and Rebecca Anderson for the image.

Baby, Don't Be Afraid of Change

Spent much of the day talking with hubby about the next steps of my career, and we made a "To Do" list for getting my head shots, taking new photos, and reaching out to agents and working out.

I was naming photographers, makeup artists, stylists, etc that I could work with when he paused me and said, "Baby, why not work with someone new?"

I knew what was coming....He was about to drop an inspirational thought provoking BOMB!

"If these people were capable and had the skills to motivate you and to propel you to personal and professional success, they would have. But they didn't. When you weren't at your best, "your friends" took your money anyway. Baby, don't be afraid of change. Pick some new people."

Wow. He's right. Old contacts see me as who I was, dysfunctional and unable to follow through. Their opinions are tainted. I've made so much progress in the last year that being surrounded by old people is a set back.

A new crew is perfect for a new start.

Hubby sees me as a superstar; not in spite of my challenges with bipolar disorder, but with and because of them.

He's my number 1 fan.

J-O-B.

So, we all know how my last job ended.Never going back into a job setting like that, not ever!

So what am I gonna do for money?

Well, hubby has it so that I don't have to work at all!

He wants me to focus on my acting career; like really pursue it for real instead of being a scardy cat.

But before we had that chat, I signed up for a real estate class.

I'm gonna be a real estate agent!

Not only is it super flexible, and can work around my audition schedule, but the money is good; GREAT, in fact!

I want to sell houses, condos and commercial property, but I'd also like us to buy some and do some real estate flipping.

Who wants to be a landlord?
Ik, and deal with people who don't wanna pay rent?

Nopey.

Wanna know a secret?

Doing what you love increases self-esteem.
Self-esteem helps to reduce depresion.
Depression reduction makes for one sunshiny day!

WOW!

Where on earth do I begin?!?!

I've been gone for a month, and what a month it has been!!

Most importantly, I am soooooo at peace.

WOW, not sure of where to begin.

Ok, so I am in Maryland, and have been getting AMAZING sleep. I am convinced that New York City adds loads of stress to my life that I was simply tired of enduring. Since moving to Maryland, I've been in bed as early as 6:30pm! That would NEVER happen in NYC.

I've been praying, longing for a break, and now I have just that. I'm not working, and most like won't return to work until '08. I get to sit on my bum for the most part, and adjust to owning a home vs living in an apartment.

Perhaps the most amazing part of this entire process is that .... you ready for this?

I'm getting married!

Yup, December 29th!

He is amazing. This guy is the real deal. I've kept him a secret because I didn't want his significance to be diluted by my failed experiences with the aforementioned.

Yeah, I'm happy. Really happy. Most importantly he completely supports EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I want to do.

I'm back, y'all, at peace and oh so happy!