Celebs and Taxes

I had our taxes done recently with a HR Block.

They offer a "worry-free-we'll-pay-all-legal-fees-if-you-get-audited-and-take-the-heat" plan. It's called their "Peace of Mind" plan, I think.

Of course we opted for this.

Now here's my question: Why are so many celebrities getting caught up in tax problems? Surely they could afford the extra $39.99 (or how much it costs; can't recall).

I have bipolar disorder, but if you have millions and trust your freedom to a guy who "has been doing this for years", without the peace of knowing that he'll take the heat, well then hey, YOU'RE the crazy one.

Me & Brittney

I've been watching Nancy Grace for the last hour.

They're really approaching the Brittney Spears issue all wrong and it disgusts me.

Not sure what happened with Brittney? Click Here.

She was in a drug treatment/ rehab facility on 3 seperate occassions. It really doesn't take a genius to see that she really needs help.

Unless you've been on that gurney, unless you've felt crazy, unless you were "convinced" that the world was against you, you can't possible understand.

It's tough to watch, and I hate all the judgment. I wish I could talk to her.

This is all to reminicent of Anna-Nicole.

It makes me want to puke.

My Bipolar Frustration

A diagnosis of bipolar disorder does a lot to a person; especially after they realize that the diagnosis is true.

It has a sneaky way of making you second guess every choice, every decision, action, reaction. It makes you unsure of so much.

There are seemingly 3 types of reactions:

Buckle – The frustration of indecision compels you to refrain from all decision making.

Coma - Overwhelmed with the influx of “to do or not to do”, you become numb and remain stagnant.

Perfection - Afraid of inaction, you commit to make a decision and see it though to the end.

I am the perfectionist.

I am self – aware, yet I am simultaneously my biggest critic.

I think and analyze, and think and analyze ad nauseam. For the most part, I keep up appearances that my world is perfect and together, but then comes a mistake.

No jury, no teacher, no parent or significant other can punish me worst than I punish myself.

A flaw revealed is not the end of the world; but it sure as heck feels like it.

Winining the War

It's the little battles won far from the applauding crowd that bring us victory at war.

War for me is inconsistency and procrastination.

Two atrocious human flaws, that when coupled with bipolar disorder results in a whole lot of excuses, frustration "if only's" and "woulda, shoulda, coulda".

Nothing gets done.

There's much that I want to do, but instead of taking on the war, I'm fighting the little battles.

3 days
3 30 minute Cardio sessions
3 Salads
3 Half Gallons of Water
3 Bible Readings
3 Prayer Sessions
3 Meditations
3 Days of Reflection

I'm proud of me.

I feel good. In time, this will be the norm.

Fighter!

You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter!

Lighten Up!

I'm sure we've all heard about how a full moon can affect people with chemical imbalances in the brain (so much more friendly to say than than mental illness).

But, what about the effect of sunlight and warm weather?

I'm sure I could find a study that shows there are more people with unmanageable mental illness living up north, than in warm, tropical climates.

Its sunny in NYC today and was absolutely beautiful yesterday. It will be a wonderful 82 degrees by Wednesday, and I am so ready to carpe dium (seize the day)!

I think the sun fuels my mood. Really. I truly can't recall ever being sad in the summer. Last summer, I was doing GREAT even after being diagnosed in Feb 2006 and exiting the mother of all depressions and crappy relationships.

Hooray for the sun.

If you don't want yours, send it my way. I want to soak it all up.

Here's Sheryl with some amazing lyrics:
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

I'm gonna soak up the sun
Gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame

Yeeee-Hah!



Music is such a gift. I'm so thankful for people who share their music and how it inspires me.

Happy May!

Here's to my blogger family. I love you all!


Thankful for my readers; even more grateful for the feedback.

- Stress =

Minus Stress equals?

What are my stresses?

- Money. (I wouldn't work if I had more of it. If they are honest most people would agree.)

- Health (I need "in case shit happens" aka insurance but then this could be traced back to money because if I had lots of it, I wouldn't need a job. I'd pay for my insurance out right and get the best health care?

- Making a difference in the world. (Naw, back to money. Cuz I would be able to take my time and do what I want because I would need to work.)

So it's money?

Money is my stress?

The reason I can't sleep is because of money?

The reason I'm angry, lash out etc, is because of money?

I'm not saying that I would never have another bip symptom, but if I take away the stress, I'm not the type to find something else to stress about.

So, problem solved.

In the words of Lil Kim: F*ck b*tches, Get Money. LMBO

I Like Hugh Laurie

Not sure if you know, but he is bipolar, too.

And he's kinda cute with his accent :-)

Anyway, he is using one of his catch phrases from the show House to raise money for NAMI!

Yup, "Everybody Lies" is the catch phrase, and I am soooo buying the t-shirt.

You should, too.

Worst Case Scenarios

So I live in fear of stupid sh*t.

I've lived my life that one day I will run for president and my nasty opponents will leak things to the press.

So, if I out myself first, I have one up on my future mud slingers, right?

I actually have nightmares about things that would be embarrassing to me. I have no reason to think these thing could happen, but it doesn't stop me from stressing.

The worst nightmares include the following pictures:
- Nude or topless
- Me throwing up in public
- Doing #2 on the side of a road
- Skirt blowing up to reveal hole-y panties

I also think of things like:
- an ex revealing a "sex tape"
- chick claiming we had a "relationship" and planned to adopt
- secret baby I gave up for adoption
- Wilt Chamberlain style book that claims I slept with thousands of men

I know that they're weird and far fetched, but this goes back to me feeling/ living like a celebrity. I live a very "on" life. I feel like the paparazzi are just waiting for the right time to launch "Butterfly Uncovered".

I don't know, I kinda live life like I'm perfect, and I'm told that alot. Maybe that's why its hard for me to envison a life where people would know for a fact that I'm not.

Hmmm, I guess I need to decide now if I will be able to live with a tarnished image of me, and to recognize that people before me have overcome embarrassing sh*t, and so can I.

The Thugs Are After Me

I saw them kill someone, so I've been living in hiding for the last 6 months.

Every minute was lived in fear.

I didn't trust anyone to know where I was, so I would wear different disguises to get food, and take a long way to get to my hiding place just to be certain no one was following me.

It was stressing me. It was making me sick.

Ever had someone after you? Ever KNOW that someone wants you dead?

I had to do something. I lost my job, friends didn't understand, and my life as I knew it was over.

I thought bip was bad, but this was worse.

They would want to kill me. I made up my mind that I was either convince them that I wasn't a threat, or die trying. So I did.

I came out of hiding went to where the head thug had breakfast, and him watched from afar.

I was scared as hell, but I had to do it.

I saw that he had a pack of Halls, so I faked a cough, loud enough for him to hear, and went over and asked for one.

He started hitting on me!

Wow! He didn't even recognize my face! He wanted to kill me, but didn't even know me!

We spoke for a couple hours, and I actually started to like him.

Would you believe that we started dating?

We'd laugh, wrestle and go shopping. I never revealed my identity....


This is the kind of sh*t I dream/ think on NO Seroquel and being HIGH on Thin Mints.

The fear was so real, I remember praying to make myself stop thinking about it. I had bip and now people want me dead? Does it ever freaking let up?

I tossed and turned, and tossed and turned and then made myself stand up, shake it off and realize that no one was after me.

Hey, last time, I dreamed that I was dating 50 Cent. He was Curtis to me. LOL.

Just take the pills, Butterfly; take the damn pills.

Headache Pt. 2

Headache still here.

I've gotta choose: Lexapro or Aleve.

Can't take both because I could end up like Anna Nicole.

Which hurts more: my head or my head?

Me and Anna Nicole

I didn't know her, but I surely felt her pain.

I'm not saying she was bipolar, but you didn't have to be a psychic to see that she was in severe emotional anguish.

Stevie Wonder could see her pain. (joke)

Why didn't the people around her get her the help she needed even if it meant being taken off her payroll?

If I get to where she was, who would get me the help I need?

To some people in my family, there's nothing wrong with me.

Truly only one friend knows EVERYTHING.

What if I get depressed around the friends that don't know I'm bip?

Would they care enough to get me help?

Hell, would they even notice that I needed it?

Would they allow me to self -destruct like Anna Nicole?

Hmmmm.

A Question

What do the following have in common:

Alvin Ailey
Axl Rose
Sting
Larry Flynt
Marilyn Monroe
Mozart
Jane Pauley
Drew Carey
Ben Stiller
Ted Turner
Jean Claude Van Damme
Jim Carey
Agatha Christie
Winston Churchill
Robin Williams
Frances Ford Coppola
Edgar Allen Poe
Mark Twain

They're all bipolar.