I'm Back ....Therapy Update

I am going to force myself to type because I know it's good for me. I have 15 posts to finish and by golly I'm gonna get through them tonight.

So here we go.

My therapy is going well. Hubby suggested that I see her twice a week!

She's great, really supportive, and more supportive-er than any therapist that I have ever had. She's tough with me, she gives me hugs and she is sensitive to my moods and lets me work them out in my own time.

Hubby spoke with my therapist 2 weeks ago. They shared their mutual appreciation and then I got on with my session.

Therapy should be a part of everyone's life; not, just in a crisis, but all the time. Therapy should be more routine than a gynie exam.

Good t-docs are out there. Find one. Keep one.

Gratitude Moment: So thankful for people who devote their life to helping us sort it out.

PBS documentary, DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows

Last Wednesday I attended a screening of the PBS documentary, DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows. (Yup, I got out of the house.)

30 minutes of the 90 minute film was screened, and then followed by a discussion. Of the real life people featured, I especially remember the story of a gang member in New Jersey and what depresion lead him to do. Riviting :-)

With the exception of a small part of it that spoke about the benefits of Electric Shock Treatment, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

There were 3 panel members that had experienced Depression, and a host of p-docs and t-docs in attendance. As I suspected, the docs all came to showboat about their practices, books and radio programs, but none of them new shit were directly affected by ANY mental illness.

And so ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I came out of the closet.

Yup, to 100+ people, I told my story of having bipolar disorder, my struggles, fears and life as I knew it.

I took the p-docs to task for working with big business and pushing meds to get a payoff at the expense of serious consequences. I berated them for being quick to prescribe without disclosing details of withdrawal, side effects, etc.

I also took them to task for not working hard enough with insurance companies to cover more than 20 annual visits.

To the media in attendance, I scolded the industry for their role in demonizing people with mental health issues. It wasn't a rant, and it felt GOOD!

Yup, I see it in my future: Butterfly the Mental Health Advocate/ Activist Philanthropist.
It's coming, I can feel it.

Please, put it in your Outlook, Blackberries and Treo's NOW, or simply write it in your planner :-)

You can read more on NAMI's website. It airs nationwide May 21, 2008. Check your local listings (I've always wanted to write and say that. :-) I'll say it again: Check Your Local Listings.)

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that hubby has been doing really well with his depression lately.

Celebs and Taxes

I had our taxes done recently with a HR Block.

They offer a "worry-free-we'll-pay-all-legal-fees-if-you-get-audited-and-take-the-heat" plan. It's called their "Peace of Mind" plan, I think.

Of course we opted for this.

Now here's my question: Why are so many celebrities getting caught up in tax problems? Surely they could afford the extra $39.99 (or how much it costs; can't recall).

I have bipolar disorder, but if you have millions and trust your freedom to a guy who "has been doing this for years", without the peace of knowing that he'll take the heat, well then hey, YOU'RE the crazy one.

I Punish Myself Part 1

I have a HUGE issue with punishing myself.

It affects every part of my life and manifests everywhere.

Some back story:

I am bipolar 2.

I also have what's called an eating disorder not otherwise classified. That means that I am not classified as anorexic or bulimic, despite having attributes of both. I see myself as fat, although I'm not (anorexic) and I binge and purge (bulimic). Where the unclassified part comes in is that my eating disorder isn't fueled entirely by a desire to be skinny, but by my OCD and obsession with being clean.

Yup, I have an extreme obsession with keeping my insides clean and cootie-free, so I take laxatives.

Ok, how does this tie into the title?

Well, when I'm stressed or frustrated, I eat junk and then feel like crap. So, because I feel like crap and knew that I shouldn't have binged, I punish myself with laxatives.

That's just the beginning.

I have many books to read. I've stopped buying them, but I feel bad for not reading so I punish myself by wanting to shut off the cable.

I didn't drink as much water as I wanted to, so I throw away the juice mix.

I spent a lot money on spas, colonics and acne treatments, and then I binge, so to punish myself for wasting money, and not appreciating the money spent, I place myself on a crash diet and extreme skin care regimens.

If I let the house get to messy, it means that I don't appreciate our home and then I must sleep on the floor (hubby HATES this).

If I miss a deadline, forget to do something, make a mistake, take a wrong turn, anything...I punish myself to teach me a lesson.

After all, when you're punished, you're supposed to learn, right?

Introducing my amazing husband.

Grattitude Moment: So grateful for my husband's wisdom.

See I Punish Myself Part 2

Bipolar's Bad Wrap

***MALE SQUEAMY ALERT***
Sometimes it's the simple things that we forget.

Dreamwriter reminded me of the simple things with a comment on my "A Question" post:We are woman and we are hormonal ... sometimes it is not all bipolar, Ya know?

EUREKA!

It just so happens that my cycle is due! Last month when I got wacky, it was also a week before my cycle began. I'm no Sherlock, but I think the two are related.

I've been so preoccupied with finding OTHER root causes for physical issues, that I completely ignored that there could be OTHER root causes for my emotional issues.

(The concentration issues are still there, but we'll tackle these babies one at a time).

Not EVERYTHING is a result of bipolar disorder.

So simple, but damn, oh so deep.

Thanks Dream.

Me vs You

In the last 2 months, I've manage to piss off/ anger/ upset/ hurt/ alienate 3 people.

At random moments in the day, I think about words spoken, question my tone, ponder what I would have done differently, and whether or not apologies are in order.

You know what?

I started this year wanting to be my most authentic self. I was sick and tired of being the person everyone expected me to be. Quite frankly, I think "acting" contributed to my difficulty in managing my bipolar disorder.

Did I hurt feelings? Yes, but I spoke my mind. I've heard it said that depression is anger turned inward. Much of my depression came from biting my tongue. I've stopped doing so, and I am feeling a lot more true to myself.

Was I harsh? Yes, but at that point in my life, I used the tools that I had. I thought about what I wanted to say to each person for a while, and then I said it. Sure, some things could have been sugar coated, but why? I chose me.

Life is about growing, learning, changing evolving. In a month, I may feel differently, but right now I am proud of myself and proud to be living authentically me for the first time in my life.

Evolution Part 1- Physical

Each day is an attempt at being better to me.

Who I am today is a reflection of all the work I've done in the last couple months; and I have been doing a lot of work.

As you know I've battled a mild eating disorder for quite some time. Well, I'm proud to say: "No throwing up since July!"

I did take laxatives last week, and although it was rooted in a desire to be healthy, I did overdue it by taking more than recommended. As a result, I had terrible stomach pains because of it, but hey, I'm evolving.

My weight- 128; down from 135. I want to get back down to my 118-125 range. But I'm comfortable with me right now and all my squishy parts.

My skin is the best its been in months! I would actually go without makeup right now, and wouldn't try to hide behind big hair, a hoodie or sunglasses.

I am very comfortable with me such that if my body never changed, I'd love it as it is.

Despite my personal successes, it amazes me how inconsiderate and insensitive people can be.

How do you tell someone "you gained weight", "your butt is growing", "what's wrong with your skin", or "why do you look like that"?

For example, I have weird shaped hips. Ok, they're not weird shaped, it's just that as I gain weight my body deposits fat on my hipbones that make them look weird to me.

Do you know that people have teased me about this? Yup, to my face when it is know that it is an issue for me.

I absolutely still have stuff to work on, but I also know that what makes people say mean things is THEIR stuff; insecurities, fears and flaws.

In light of my eating and bipolar disorder, I'm proof that people who "look" normal could really be dealing with a lot of stuff!

Well, y'all, I'm good with the physical me.

Bipolar and Homeless

I was driving 3 weeks ago and saw a man with a sign that read:
"VIETNAM VET, BIPOLAR AND HOMELESS. PLEASE HELP."

It broke my heart.

What kind of world so we live in when a man can fight for his country, and return to the challenges of bipolar disorder and life on the street?

Where's the justice?

I'm not in total control of my symptoms either, and I'm not gonna dwell on it, but I do have a home.

I gave him some money, but there must be more that I could do.

Hubby and I decided to donate some money and time to So Others Might Eat (SOME).

SOME helps the poor and homeless of DC. They provide food, clothing, and health care, and offer affordable housing, job training, addiction treatment, and counseling, to the poor, homeless and individuals with mental illness.

I'm gonna volunteer as well. My in-laws were very active in the organization and we're gonna continue it.

Operating Give Back '08 is in Full Swing!

Other cool things:
Donate Car
Donate Phone
Salvation Army
Goodwill Industries

Bipolar + Bipolar = What?

Have I mentioned that my husband-to-be is also bipolar?

Yup.

I think it's such a blessing.

Who else can understand a bipolar chick, but a bipolar ...baby rooster? LOL!

He was diagnosed when he was 15 and has been on many of the same medications that I have been on. He is also OCD, but so much more severe than I am. Writing ONE letter is usally done is about 15 takes.

It's all new for him because he never took his diagnosis seriously. His parents sent him to 3 different shrinks, had him briefly committed and gave him random drug tests as a teen, but he felt it was all related to their disapproving of him smoking weed.

I am the one that really got him to see that he's special...like me :-)

Thus far, God is really blessing us. When he is depressed, I am stable (or manic like I am now); and visa v.

I'm very happy, and happy with him. :-)

Hi All

The last 2 months of my life have been a whirlwind.

To be honest, there were several moments when I wanted to blog, and had the time to blog, but I think I wanted to put distance between me and "being bipolar".

Since moving to Maryland I've been able to ignore symptoms or drown them with house cleaning, adjusting to a new town and impending married life.

Truth is, the change threw me in severe mania.

I noticed it when I hubby -to be told me that I was talking really fast, and A LOT.

Yup, sign numero uno.

Couple that with not sleeping, high irritability, and yup, manic mode.

So that's kinda why I'm back.

Kinda because I realyl missed the interaction with you all, and kinda because I am admitting that I can't do it alone.

I've jotted down the names of some tdocs to see. It will get better. Stay tuned.

And Then What?

There's so much I want to share; so much has happened.

Here's some advice from the Butterfly: WRITE A WILL.

The last month has really showed me the importance of a will; filed will.

Like many other people, I, too thought wills were for the seriously wealthy.

WRONG!

If you have anything of value, especially houses, land, cars, jewelry, 401k, stocks, bonds, etc, YOU NEED A WILL.

You'd be surprised at the "fine print" laws in some states that would prevent your intended party from inheriting your estate.

Studies have shown that people with bipolar disorder focus so much on their mental health, that they often neglect their physical health and finances.

It's true for me.

I've since wrote my will. I'm having it filed in Maryland and NYC. Even if I only have lots and lots of shoes, shouldn't I be able to leave those shoes to whomever I want?

I've also looked into life insurance no exam. Many insurance companies require you to have a full exam before you enroll. Being bip means I'll be disqualified.

True, I don't have any kids, and I'm not directly supporting anyone, but in the event of my death, I want those I care about to be taken care of.

Just thoughts.

Ten Mistakes People Who Have Bipolar Disorder Make

By David Oliver

1. They Don't Realize the Importance of Money.
Unfortunately, most people with bipolar disorder don't realize that they need to watch their money carefully and plan for the future. They have to take steps to protect their finances during an episode and to not get cheated by erroneous medical bills.

2. They Don't Take Their Medicine Properly.
Other people actually go off their medicine to make sure it was working or to determine if they are really bipolar. Both of these are huge mistakes.

3. They don't Use the Free Resources Available.
There are tons of FREE resources available that will help you manage your illness and become more stable, but very few people with bipolar disorder actually use them.

4. They Don't Accept Help.
Individuals with bipolar disorder are often very stubborn when it comes to accepting help, even from their friends and loved ones. Every bipolar person needs at least one individual they can trust to protect their interests and look out for them during an episode.

5. They don't plan for future episodes.
People may think you're being pessimistic, but they're wrong. It's being realistic. Bipolar disorder doesn't go away, so you need to have a plan in place that will make those future episodes easier for you and your loved ones to deal with.

6. They Don't Have a Support Team.
If you have bipolar disorder, you can't do everything on your own. You need the help of friends and family members and that's why it's critical that you put together a support team of people you trust the most.

7. They Don't Take Care of Their Physical Health.
When someone suffers from a mental illness, it can become that person's primary focus and he or she often loses sight of other health issues. Eating healthy and exercising will not only keep you in better shape but may also prevent some of the triggers that led to bipolar episodes.

8. They Don't Apologize After an Episode.
During episodes, you may say or do hurtful things to the people you care about. If you don't apologize after an episode, you may lose that person from your life forever.

9. They Don't Listen to Others About Episodes.
Friends and family will be able to see signs of an upcoming episode while it's still in its initial stages. They may ask you about them or suggest that you contact your doctor. If they do, you should listen to them. Bipolar disorder clouds reality, so you can't always see how things really are.

10.They Don't Realize There's Nothing to be Ashamed Of.
You have nothing to be ashamed of; it's also not all in your head. Instead of feeling bad about what you can't change, you should be working to educate the rest of the world so that they'll change their perception of the disorder.

I Got Detained

GM called me a "crazy bipolar street whore".

I punched him in the face, choked him and then spit in his face.

Yeah.

He called the cops (one of whom was a friend).

I sat in the cop car while they told me I couldn't attack people for their words.

Still in shock that I did that. It happened Friday.

Gonna wreck his life.

1:12pm - His demise isn't worth my freedom. I really want to wish him undescribable harm, but I am reminded of The Secret. I'm moving.

2:28pm The owner told me yesterday that I should go home and brish the dirt off my shoulder. Don't let him get to me.

The owner is now on my shit list. Calling EEOC.

What's Your Problem?

Are you "mentally ill?"

Do you have a "chronic illness?"

Do you have a "psychological disorder?"

Do you have a "chemical imbalance?"

What's your problem?

I say this tongue in cheek of course, but only to draw our attention to how our words shape our behavior.

Bipolar disorder is a chemical deficiency that affects you psychologically. The deficiency of chemical transmitters leads to unpredictable mood swings ranging from depressive symptoms to manic symptoms.

It is NOT a terminal or chronic illness.

When I hear "chronic illness", I think of cancer that has spread throughout the body. I am not that, nor will I live thinking that there is something "wrong" with me or that there is a disease invading my body.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Some people have extra fingers or webbed feet.

I have low chemical levels.

Some people have a third nipple or cleft lip, my moods experience tremendous highs and lows.

Some people swallow 20/day or inject insulin; I monitor my stress, pray, journal, read motivational books and stay positive.

There's nothing "wrong" with me. I was simply dealt different cards.

What were you dealt?

Wutchumacallit?

What is it called?

You know; the thing that makes you do one more push up?

The thing that makes you jog the last 2 minutes of your mile or makes you not take another slice of cake?

What is the thing called that gets you out of bed and to work when you can't stand the job?

What makes you swallow the ill-tasting medicine?

What makes you stay awake during the boring lectures, floss, clean, shower, or not spaz out?

What is it?

Is it the knowledge that what you're doing is in your best interest?

Is it will?

Is it fight?

What the heck is it called?

If I could name it and bottle it, I'd distribute it to everyone with psychological disorders.

More Stupid T-shirts

Schizo 4 Life
OCD Freak
Anorexic, but still fat
No for real, I'm crazy
Life sucks; all the time
Sadness is 4 losers, B Depressed
Rapid Cycling = Spin Class 4 da Brain
SSI-Get the Crazy Check
I Heart Psych Ward
I Survived the Psych Ward & All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt
I'm Not Anorexic, My Clothes Are Big
Who Needs Friends, I Have Personalities
Be All That U Can Be? Why?
Meds- Never Leave Home Without It.
I'm weird, I'm here, I hate it.
Crazy- Never in Style.
Got a shrink?

Stupid T-Shirts

I think some people proclaim psychological disorders as a badge of honor. While heading home I thought of t-shirts we should never see.

October 7-13, 2007

Mental Illness Awareness Week
October 7-13, 2007
Established in 1990 by Congress, the first week of October is designated as "Mental Illness Awareness Week" (MIAW) in recognition of NAMI’s efforts to raise mental illness awareness.

Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day
Held each year on the Thursday of Mental Illness Awareness Week to increase awareness of bipolar disorder, promote early detection and accurate diagnosis, reduce stigma, and minimize the devastating impact on the 2.3 million Americans presently affected by the disorder.

For More Information, Contact NAMI.

Me, Me, Me Part 1

SELF ABSORBED

When you're always thinking about yourself, and constantly reminding everyone of your good (gloating) and bad (whining) aspects of your life, you're SELF ABSORBED!

There are people in New Orleans who are still displaced.

There are people living in countries where war is an ever present part of their reality.

There are people living with much worse disorders that I have.

How dare me be self -absorbed?

Me, Me, Me. Look how horrible my life is.
Boo Hoo, I need special attention.
Don't you see how much I hurt.
You just don't understand.

Damn, I'm sick of living like a victim.

I'm sick of pulling the "you don't understand" card. Sometimes it's true, but it has so become a default "whiny-ass" trump card.

It's so unattractive.

You may not agree, but I see it. This disorder has a way of making one so self -absorbed that you become the biggest obstacle in your progress.

Put your bipolar in perspective and count your blessings.

Am I Still Bipolar?

It's still a question I've asked several times this summer.

My March and April 2007 are but a distant bad memory; a memory I never think about unless reading other blogs, chatting with family, or if I'm having a challenging day.

I try not to think about it. Being bipolar consumed my thoughts in March and April 2007, and I'm proud that I've been able to move past seeing myself as a diagnosis. To be honest, I am kinda annoyed that I know what the diagnosis is.

As much as I was relieved that there was a term to describe the way I felt and that I now had a community of people who felt as I did for support, I felt it also gave me an "out". By an "out" I mean an excuse. I think opted out of decisions and tasks several times by permitting myself too much time to decide what was bipolar and what was simply me.

Truth is, once you know, you can never un-know.

So, how do I feel?

A little afraid.

It's not as hot in NYC; the sun is setting earlier which means Fall is near and diminished daylight is closer. For me who is seemingly Seasonally Affected, I am not jumping for joy.

To be honest, part of my desire to be closer to the guy I'm dating stems from me knowing that the season is about to change. I feel like I need someone to monitor my behavior. Tough job for him, but hey, he needs me to ensure he doesn't go over 10 on the angri-o-meter. So it should really work.

I still get angry.
I still get sad.
But I have better coping mechanisms, and some people helps me through.

Stay Tuned.