Just a Thought

It's Day 2 of being semi back and I think I am OD-ing on blog posts.

There's so much to tell, share, write about, and as I get caught up on your blogs, I am motivated to write even more; but it's overwhelming.

Today, I am rapid cycling; in fact I've been this way for the last week. I tried to convince myself that I am really not bipolar at all, and that my only issue is that "life" isn't exactly the way I want it.

2004 was a great year for me. I've been toying with the idea that if my hubby and I went back to 2004, would I still be experiencing such periods of mania and depression?

The answer may be easy for you, but um, no so much for me. So, let's just say that's all for now.

Psych Ward

Where've I been?

I was having a lot of problems concentrating last week at work.

I yelled at a staffer because the TV was loud and so was the radio. Everything was magnified, and the befuddled look on everyone else's faces let me know that it was my ears.

Then came the weekend. I had a severe bout of OCD anxiety on Saturday. I had to unplug everything in the house before I left because they would spark and start a fire. Also, I didn't want the electric bill to be higher because of "phantom energy".

I know. It's a smidge off now, but it made sense then.

Then came the hallucinations, itching, and agoraphobia. I was really bugging out and hubby made me go to the hospital.

I was in the psych ward.

So, they put me back on the Lexapro, but I didn't take the Seroquel. The result was a clear head, but severe mania.

I get it. Life has changed from what I knew it to be. It makes me sad to think if I am unable to do what truly makes me happy all the time, I may need meds to maintain consistent productivity.

I feel like when I was first diagnosed.

I Get It

I've hear a lot about rapid cycling and mixed states.

I thought I knew what it was. I thought I experienced the mixed states thing. I was so wrong.

For today, I've been under the covers with my eye pillow on, chipper watching TV, back under the covers, awake making phone calls, and then under the covers on the couch.

WTF, is this?!

Ok, I get it. Bipolar has my attention.

I Wish....

...I could only eat once a week.

Well, that's not entirely true. Some days I wish I could ONLY eat for a living; Swedish fish to be exact. Oh, and red velvet cake, gummy anything.

Other days I wish that what I eat on Monday could last through the week.

I don't cook. It sucks (to me), and making something and that whole process of eating today was such a drag. With each laborious bite of mashed potatoes that I shoveled to my less than enthusiastic mouth, I wanted spit it out on the wall and make art. That actually was my thought.

Eating. It's so dumb. It would be easier to rather drink.

"No butterfly. Stop it"

You're right. There are people who can only eat via IV. Shame on me for whining about eating. At least I have food. At least I have money to buy food. At least I can consume food normally.

Damn. Ok, I get it.

Gratitude Moment: Tonight I'm thankful for the introspection that comes from blogging

I Hear...

...writer's block is going around.

Well, I must have typer's block. I have several blogs in my head, just haven't been able to type them.

Haven't been ab;e to type comments on your blogs either.

Hmmm, at 1:07am, I'm not about to try. Having some paranoid moments.

I'll try again tomorrow.

Law & Order

I watched an episode of Law & Order SVU tonight It was about a man that raped and almost killed 3 young girls. He had a psychotic break after witnessing his sister’s rape at the age of 17. As a result he developed schizophrenia.

He was on Haldol until a year earlier when it stopped working. He was switched to Rhisperdol. The meds didn’t work, and it was then that he committed the crimes.

The debate was whether he should be sent to Louisiana to face the death penalty, or be tried in NYC where 2 of the 3 crimes were committed.

La and NYC cops wanted to see him on death row somewhere, but the DA disagreed. Although she was charged with prosecuting, she felt that had the man been on meds that worked, he would have never committed the crimes. He didn’t deserve death, but rather to be in a hospital.

In court, she made him so agitated that he had a psychotic episode and was subsequently declared 730 or mentally unfit to stand trial. He could neither be executed nor imprisoned for the crimes. He would go to a hospital.

It had a deeply emotional affect on me. And led me to ask the question: Am I one bad situation away from trial?

Are you?

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful for my husband that is always honest with me; even when I don't want to hear it.

Unleash the Beast ...Called Nausea

Hubby and I decided to go back on meds.

SHOCKER, I know.

With one month shy of a full year off meds, we jointly decided to buy some time.

We had both been experiencing an increase in symptoms. Fortunatley for us, when I was manic, he was depressed and when I was depressed, he was manic; so we were able to pull each other out of the funky funk funk of depression.

For me, we decided that I would take only the Lexapro (10mg) every day for 5 days, then every other day, then a 1/2 every other day, until I no longer took it. (No Seroquel.)

Why?

We have A LOT going on - court, home sale, career, etc. They all require that we focus on them simultaneously. We recognized that we fell behind in a lot of areas, and with our p-docs/ t-docs supervision, we're going to use the medicine to play catch up. Our careers, lives and finances depend on our ability to be focused. Once we've cleared the emergencies, we'll ween it out of our system.

Am I ashamed to have gone back on meds?

Not at all. There's no honor in having your life fall apart when a tiny pill can buy you some time to get it together. Lexapro bought me some time. Elavil bought my husband some time.

We came up with the weening, and our docs said it was a great plan for a med-commit-phobic couple.

With that said, the house is filled with PEPPERMINT! I was nauseous 10 MINUTES AFTER I TOOK IT!

Brain is clear, gotta grab a mint.

I'll keep ya posted.

Where Am I?

My head is simultaneously racing and in a fog.

I type this on my blackberry while sitting in the car and looking at the house.

The house represents disorder for me right now; work to be done. There are things inside that need to be completed and there is food.

I'm having a tough time with the eating disorder thing. I try to convince myself that I have it under control, but I know I don't. Every chance I get I have a tape measure around my waste or I'm turning sideways to see how much of my stomach pokes out or walking to see if my thighs touch.

My skinny jeans are looser around the waist. I like that, but exercise wasn't the catalyst. It was really colonics, repeated sweats in the sauna and barely there eating.

T-doc told me to journal. Blogging kinda is.

Hubby is my other 1/2; better 1/2. How is it that he loves me thicker, yet I want to be smaller for him?

Butterfly, what are you doing?

I'm doing the lemonade diet aka master cleanse.

Why?

My skin isn't as clear as I want it. Toxins are what has me looking and feeling like this. Get rid of the toxins and I'll feel better, right? But I spend so much time purging, sweating, and watching what I eat that I'm not getting anything done.

I'm still in the car.

Hubby loves me as I am.
I need to love me as I am.

I know I'm not fat. With the exception of 2 inches, I'm almost back to work standards.

Then paranoia starts. I feel like some people are waiting for me to crack just so they can say "I told you so!" WHATEVER! I don't need to be on meds just because you are!

I don't like not having friends, but I like not listening to b*tchin a whole lot more than not having friends.

Then comes the law of attraction. To think negative is to get more of it.

Can’t do this right now.

I’m going in.

Anger Management

I need it ... badly!

I HATE than anyone can control me to the point that I blow up and want to bash their windshield with a baseball bat!

T-Doc said I needed to write and get this out, so I guess the blogosphere is elected to read it.

I saw the bitch today (aka my aunt). She's part of an ongoing case. I wanted to choke her with the car club. I wanted to spit in her face and punch her in the stomach. I ran to my car after our session in chambers because I wasn't confident that I would try to punch her in her breasts, kick her in the shins, rake my nails down her arms, or pull her wig off. I simply wanted to cause her pain.

There. I got it out.

I'm craving a lobster tail. I had one last night and it was so good.

Anyway, you know what I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND!?!?!?!
I HATE when someone asks how I feel and I reply with rage like above, and then the dumb f*cksbastards, reply with: "Well, what would that solve?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

How about you go away right now before you are on the receiving end of my wrath and then you get to SEE firsthand exactly how great I feel after!

Aaaaah!

Anyway, I need anger management. T-Doc is gonna help me.

Receipts Mania!

I save EVERY receipt.

I don't view it as an OCD issue, I see it as smart. Each year I sort through hundreds of receipts and see where my money goes.

So, I spent several days going through all of my receipts, preparing for tax time, and organizing my home office.

I set up an "in" and "out" bin, as well as two folders for bills that should have checks written on the 15th and checks written on the 30th; all to avoid late fees of course.

I created files for everything, and stapled loose leaf paper in each folder so I can take notes as work on them. Oh, and Staples loves me right now because I've purchased every organizational thingy to help me stay on track.

I did good, great in fact, right? Well, if you haven't guessed, I'm MANIC!

True, I need sleep, but it was good mania. I got so much done! Hubby want me to finish up next week.

WHAT, AND LEAVE IT INCOMPLETE??? GOD FORBID.

I'm almost done! Yahoo!

You Are The Weakest Link!

GOODBYE!

I'm in a zone of ridding my life of things and people aren't conducive to my now.

So what's first on my list of things to go?

Names, phone number, email addresses, pictures, letters, electronics and related material of amyone who ever wanted to f*ck have a physical relationship with me.

As I see it, I've been single for so long, and now that I'm married you all want to rear your ugly heads?!?!

There are some guys who got married and STILL haven't told me, but want to "reach out ever now and then".

GO TO HELL!

POOF, Be Gone!

And, I am so unapologetic about it, too.

I've gotta cleanse my world, not only for my new hubby, but also because ridding crap extra people is so good for cutting down on my mania

All those saps are gonna make/ save me money, too!

I'm compiling all their sweatshirts, electronics and other crap they gave to me and donating them to the Salvation Army!

Yup, tax write -off!

I've gotta find someone to shlep all the stuff out of the house. When I was in NYC, I used Dynamite Movers. Mover NYC is also really good.

Anyway, if you know someone in Md, let me know.

Gypsy Life

Ever since moving to Maryland, my life has been a blur.

I've been to:
Washington, DC
Maryland
Virginia
Delaware
New Jersey
Pennsylvania
West Virginia

I've also been to several cities within each state.

I racked up 8000 miles in two months on a rental car, and I'm pretty proud of that. I LOVE driving.

But it's gotta stop. I haven't spent one FULL week in Maryland since I moved here; which probably contributes to my mania. Anyway, I'm looking forward to staying still for a bit.

I have one more trip to NYC. Gotta get some left behind things, finish up my art class and to check my mailboxes.

February will keep me at home!

Dude, Where's My Head?

Lately, I've been really absentminded.

On two different occasions I requested cash back: once at a grocery store and the other at the Post Office. Each time, I requested $50, AND LEFT WITHOUT IT!!!!

Who does that?!?!

Fortunately, I was able to get the money back from the Post Office when the rep counted his drawer later that evening. The money was gone by the time I returned to the grocery store.

And then yesterday, I went to a store, shopped and then left my purchases IN THE CART!!!

AGAIN?!!?

Yes.

They're holding the bags for me, but this soooo needs to stop.

Bipolar + Bipolar = What?

Have I mentioned that my husband-to-be is also bipolar?

Yup.

I think it's such a blessing.

Who else can understand a bipolar chick, but a bipolar ...baby rooster? LOL!

He was diagnosed when he was 15 and has been on many of the same medications that I have been on. He is also OCD, but so much more severe than I am. Writing ONE letter is usally done is about 15 takes.

It's all new for him because he never took his diagnosis seriously. His parents sent him to 3 different shrinks, had him briefly committed and gave him random drug tests as a teen, but he felt it was all related to their disapproving of him smoking weed.

I am the one that really got him to see that he's special...like me :-)

Thus far, God is really blessing us. When he is depressed, I am stable (or manic like I am now); and visa v.

I'm very happy, and happy with him. :-)

Hi All

The last 2 months of my life have been a whirlwind.

To be honest, there were several moments when I wanted to blog, and had the time to blog, but I think I wanted to put distance between me and "being bipolar".

Since moving to Maryland I've been able to ignore symptoms or drown them with house cleaning, adjusting to a new town and impending married life.

Truth is, the change threw me in severe mania.

I noticed it when I hubby -to be told me that I was talking really fast, and A LOT.

Yup, sign numero uno.

Couple that with not sleeping, high irritability, and yup, manic mode.

So that's kinda why I'm back.

Kinda because I realyl missed the interaction with you all, and kinda because I am admitting that I can't do it alone.

I've jotted down the names of some tdocs to see. It will get better. Stay tuned.

Bad Days

Yeah.

This week was tough.

Had a tough chat with my father because he doesn't want me to fight with my aunt (too long of a story).

The conversation left me covered in hives, crying and throwing up. Yeah, mid-puke I recall my battered esophagus.

Can't have stress.

Then brother goes to the hospital.

I am so pruning the stress from my world. I'll be no good if I don't.

9-1-1 No More

I will NEVER call 9-1-1 for my brother again.

After being released 2 weeks ago, he's back in the hospital.

The stress this brings to my world in unacceptable.

Towel in hand.
Towel thrown in the ring.

I will NEVER call 9-1-1 for him again.

Job & Money, Job & Money

So, after I was banned from my job, I returned to vacation, and things got worse (as they sometimes do before they get better.)

I was accused of threatening to burn down the building.

Yup, I kid you NOT.

The owner called me late one evening and said 3 people were willing to SWEAR that they heard me say it. Ironically, the three people were the GM, his married girlfriend, and an ex-con; all of whom hate me.

If I said, it, I don't recall. It was that point that I realized that the fight simply wasn't worth it.

Go figure. I quit that night on the phone, but the owner (with whom I worked out all the "you're not durable issues), kinda begged to have me stay on.

The result: I work as a consultant from home. PERIOD. I have what I want, and I no longer have the demon's spawn aka GM in my way.

In other news, I started with a new company that also allows me to work from home. I never leave my apartment unless I have an appointment, but of course I leave so I won't slip into February/ March again.

I'm happy with work, I have an opportunity to make lots of money, and THAT is good.

Brother Admitted

Not sure if you recall, but I have a younger brother who was the first to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I think part of my manic blow up on Sunday was fueled by seeing how much weight my brother had lost. When he is off meds and nearing the point when he must be hospitalized, he stops eating.

When I saw him on Sunday -approximately 2 months since the last time - he was half his size.

Anyway, mother finally "saw" that he needed intervention and had my father call me to assist with getting him to a hospital.

He's in; for the 4TH TIME in 3 years because my parents can't set boundaries and give hi consequences for not taking his meds!

Pissed.

I Gotta Pause

I'm having difficulty turning my brain off. I'm racing again.

Last time I was at this point, I started swallowing Seroquel and Lexapro.

Must-do-something-different.

I'm eliminating voices.

This week:
- NO TV
- NO Newspapers/ Magazines
- NO Music
- NO Phone
- NO Aimless Internet Surfing

I need to strip away things that affect my ability to think and to hear me.