Ebb, Flow, Calm

I totally understand the ebb and flow of life. I guess what I am having trouble with is its timeliness and the duration.

When I think about it, the first 24 years (I'd even extend to 26 years) of my life were pretty great.

I was homeless at one point, I slept at my job, I moved a gazillion times, but all in all I was happy. Why?

It's often said that success and happiness leave clues on how to reciprocate them.

What was so special about my life prior to age 26 that isn't present now?

Well, first things that come to mind are my body and skin, and my relationship with God.

So do I now throw them in the "they change with age just accept it" category or do I rediscover the behaviors and attitudes that brought about the body and skin I was proud of THEN and incorporate them into my life NOW?

Isn't it interesting that when I was 26 I had a 1 bedroom apartment with an ass of a bf and no car, and was happy. Now with a husband a 3 bedroom home and Mercedes I'm sad?

Well that would be to presuppose that my discontent is related only to relationships and material things. Quite the contrary. My discontent is totally about me, and that's why I look to none but me to fix it.

So then we introduce diagnoses like OCD, bipolar and eating disorders. How do they factor into the mix?

In reality, their contribution to my frustrations are not that extensive. Imho. But more on that later. Also, more on God as well.

See Part 2

Where Am I?

My head is simultaneously racing and in a fog.

I type this on my blackberry while sitting in the car and looking at the house.

The house represents disorder for me right now; work to be done. There are things inside that need to be completed and there is food.

I'm having a tough time with the eating disorder thing. I try to convince myself that I have it under control, but I know I don't. Every chance I get I have a tape measure around my waste or I'm turning sideways to see how much of my stomach pokes out or walking to see if my thighs touch.

My skinny jeans are looser around the waist. I like that, but exercise wasn't the catalyst. It was really colonics, repeated sweats in the sauna and barely there eating.

T-doc told me to journal. Blogging kinda is.

Hubby is my other 1/2; better 1/2. How is it that he loves me thicker, yet I want to be smaller for him?

Butterfly, what are you doing?

I'm doing the lemonade diet aka master cleanse.

Why?

My skin isn't as clear as I want it. Toxins are what has me looking and feeling like this. Get rid of the toxins and I'll feel better, right? But I spend so much time purging, sweating, and watching what I eat that I'm not getting anything done.

I'm still in the car.

Hubby loves me as I am.
I need to love me as I am.

I know I'm not fat. With the exception of 2 inches, I'm almost back to work standards.

Then paranoia starts. I feel like some people are waiting for me to crack just so they can say "I told you so!" WHATEVER! I don't need to be on meds just because you are!

I don't like not having friends, but I like not listening to b*tchin a whole lot more than not having friends.

Then comes the law of attraction. To think negative is to get more of it.

Can’t do this right now.

I’m going in.

1:38am

I am still awake.

I think I'm gonna go to the gym.

What's my motivation?

Flat abs and looking as good as I did 1 year ago.

No saying it's right, just saying what's in my head.

Wrap Me Up

I forgot to tell you that while I was at the spa I also did a tight and tone body wrap.

You're guaranteed to lose 6-20 inches per wrap. Well yeah, you're gonna sweat, so much of it is water weight, I guess. But the herbs that the wraps are soaked in are supposed to help you melt protein around fat cells and liquefy them so you can pee them out later (or at least I think that's the way it should work.)

Anyhoo, I was wrapped in ace bandages. 2 per leg, hips, stomach 1 per arm and 1 per side of chest/ breast.

I lost about 7 inches total which sucked. I wanted to lose more, but I guess you can't lose fat you don't have. Oh well.

It felt good, but you know what I'm thinking?

Yup, I can buy my own ace bandages and mummify myself and go lay in a sauna! Like duh!

It was ok. Not at all theraputic. Ok, I won't purchase ace bandages because I know that it would be hella over-the-top on the eating disorder scale, so I'll fall back. (I don't believe me. You shouldn't either.)

Note to Self: I'm proud of you. Go walking in the morning.

5:27pm

I'm heading out. Gonna take a walk.

It's bright outside, and I think it will be good for me.

Gonna let you know how it went, ok.

6:45.

It was awesome!

I did 4,045 steps! The sun was out, the air was fresh, and I felt good that I was doing something for me. Of course I vowed to do this everyday because it felt so good.

Cheer me on as I try to walk yet again tomorrow!

Easy vs Good

I've been really trying to focus on what is good rather than what is easy.

My eating habits suck. I go for the quick and easy food instead of what is healthy and good for me.

I first heard this easy vs good concept while watching Oprah, and have tried to apply it to every area of my life. It is tough, but I am trying.

With my alternative therapies, many of them don't taste good, feel good or reside within my comfort zone, but I'm trying. I just think that I'm better than taking the easy way out all the time.

Could I pop pills? Absolutely, but I haven't exhausted the alternative therapies at my disposal.

I do want to lose weight, but I want to do it in a way that is healthy. I could take some diet pills, but that doesn't contribute to my strength, endurance, stamina, etc. Still, the pills won't help my eating disorder issues. In fact, it may actually fuel them.

So, I'm gonna continue to do what is good, not necessarily what is easy, one day at a time.

Stupid Ipod!

I'm trying....HARD.

I do pretty good most days. When I'm good, I'm GREAT. When I'm Bad, I'm a HELLION!

I need to get a new Ipod. I bought the Ipod mini when they first came out. They were later discontinued because THEY SUCK!

I bought it 3 years ago, and it works great when connected to the in-car charger. I really do get to drive to all my favorite tunes. But then I try to get on the treadmill and it has the life of a 98 year old man!

I was so ready to workout and then POOF, it shuts off. GEEEEEZ!

So I threw it across the room. It was early in the morning, so no one really saw my tantrum. (Thank God! I was so ashamed later.)

Note to self: get an Ipod from craigslist with some Bose headphones. I can't justify paying $200 for a brand new one, and the shuffle thing is such a tease.

Spring/ Summer is coming. I need to go walking, and I sure as heck can't do it with a old geezer of an Ipod!

Peekaboo...

Hi there.

As I type, my left tricep is on a package of frozen Cascadian Farm Organic Broccoli. I have another bag under my left hip.

Why?

I don't have an icepack.

See, I've been having lot's of body issues lately. So many that they have triggered some bippy episodes (more on those later). Well, hubby was concerned that my frustrations would launch me into full swing eating disorder mode. Didn't want him worrying, so I went to the gym and got a trainer.

My thoughts were that I have too much going on in my life to plan work outs (more on that later, too).

I saw the trainer on Tuesday. I was excited.

You know what, skip the nice-ities. I know me! I know my body. I've had it all my life. I don't give a flying fluffball if you've been training people fr 25 years! Damn!

I told him that many of the exercises were too much weight. But he was "trying to gauge my fitness level". After running track, working in gyms, etc, I know what I need to do. I simply chose the lazy way out because the disposable income was there.

It's my fault, I bought the "don't quit" bullsh*t and now I’m laying on broccoli. I can’t work, can't run errands because I'm too sore!

NOTE TO SELF: Trainer fired.

Operation Back to Basics

As I mentioned, I went to Special Care Spa today and the amazing esthetician all gave me a list of self-love rituals to post on my mirror.

I won't give all of them, you'll have to check out her website and email her, but I wanted to give you the ones I am gonna be working on ASAP a well as the other components to my "Operation Back to Basics".

Self-Love Rituals
* 5 fruits, 5 vegetables, 5 grains, 8 glasses of water
* Organize time and include self on a schedule
* Take time for prayer and meditation
* Get a hobby other than the gym

My Additions
* Identify stressors and eliminate them
* 4 Colonics
* Fiber Supplement
* Daily Vitamin

So many of these are a "duh", but if it's not in practice, then it's pointless. I'm gonna do it and I'm sure my insomnia will get better.

Oh Mr. Saaandmaaaan!

Yeah, the sleep ain't coming.

So, Butterfly is gonna be proactive.

Insomnia is a symptom of something; it's not the root cause.

EUREKA!

So, if I eliminate the root cause, then the insomnia will be gone?

You're kidding!

When I was younger and in college, I NEVER took sleeping pills, or any other medicine for that matter. I've always used natural methods to get relief, healing, etc.

So, guess what I did today?

I had a facial, body scrub and massage by a lady that's a nurse AND an esthetician. It was AMAZING!!!!

What made her so amazing is not only that she reiterate things I already new about sleep, skin care, nutrition and exercise, and promised to hold me accountable, but she also gave me a list of self -love rituals to post on ALL of my mirrors!

If I follow her tips, plus some of my own, I am sure to sleep!
How awesome is that!?

I'll write more about self-love in another post, ok. I didn't tell her about challenges I have with bipolar disorder, but her mentioning it made me realize how important it is for me to pay attention to ME; not only when I"m naic or depressed, but also to gauge my stressors, nutrition, hobbies and exercise.

So what am I gonna do?

"OPERATION BACK TO BASICS"

The Skinny on Marriage

So what does marriage mean for my modeling career?

Well, if I'm honest, I'll say that I love modeling, and the only reason why I stopped is that I became less accepting of my body.

That's where the ED comes in.

ED-Eating Disorder.

I'm doing a lot better. No throwing up in at least 4 months; no enemas either. My husband thinks I'm gorgeous, and that does wonders for my self-esteem. He also made me promise not to punish myself (more on that later).

Anyway, I started off in runway, went to commercial/ print modeling, and currently my body type is ideal for the Kim Kardashian, women's lingerie-type shoots, and I have done some in the past, but, I'm married and I don't want to do those anymore.

But I am gonna do some for my hubby.

Hmmm where was I going with this?

Oh, I am learning to accept myself, and instead of "you suck" being the motivator in my work outs, I want to be healthy and feel genuinely good about myself.

I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but I am also the happiest, too.

Working on Consistency

Guess what?

This weekend I watched TV, zero exercise, had only one cup of water, zero lemonade and ate.

So, what have I learned?

Not only do I view friend's apartment as a vacation, a retreat, and a getaway, but I also lose all consistency when I'm there.

I'm up til 2am, I wake up around 9:30am, I eat candy, and crap.

Solution:
Recognize the importance of consistency and value the changes that I've made and why I made them.

I think I'll hang out tonight, so I'll have another chance.

Nope, not beating myself up about it; I'm simply going to start again. I'm grateful to start again, but the pressure of another blog was too much, so I've deleted Reclaiming Health.

Acne Takes the Stand

In my quest to remain off meds, I need to pay attention to something else - my HORRIBLE candy cravings and SUPER POOR eating habits.

Could it be that my sleepless nights could be attribute to the LARGE sugar consumption right before bedtime and throughout the night. (Yeah, I roll over to stuff my mouth with Swedish Fish and apple juice.)

Could it be that I would have more energy, resist colds better and have no trouble with ACNE if I ate better and drank more water!

Hmmmm.

I eat like shit, and have been coasting on genetics to maintain my size, but what if my poor eating contributes to mood instability?

Yup, I'm all for the change. So, I am "allowed" 10 fish a day until I cut them out completely. The guy I'm dating ensures that I have at least one hot meal each day. (I said no to doing the Zone diet delivery thing.)

I don't want acne.

I'll also start running a couple times a week, and working out. Not only will I look and feel better, but it will help with my sleep as well.

So thankful for the ability to be honest with myself.

Bloody Knuckles

Didn't want to gross you out, so I didn't post a pic of mine or any others person's bloody knuckles.

I've been boxing a lot lately. I stared over 2 years ago and lately its perfect for releasing aggression. Only thing is that with Beyonce in my ears and anger coming out, the pain to my hands take a back seat. When I took my gloves off, raw, red, bruised knuckles that burn like hell when I had to wash my hands.

Hmmmm.

Not gonna stop boxing, so I might need better gloves.

Cure vs. Manage

So, from what I’ve read on a couple of these bipolar sites, bipolar disorder isn’t something that is cured, but rather something that is managed. It’s like diabetes, there’s no cure, so take your insulin; or like asthma, there’s no cure, so carry your inhaler and use your nebulizer.

I’m not over the whole “I’m-gonna-cure-myself” thing. I truly believe I can, and when I do, I’m gonna help everyone; but until then, let’s talk about managing.

How are you managing your bipolar disorder?

By definition, manage means: to pull off: be successful; achieve a goal; cope: come to terms or deal successfully with;

Are you successful in coping with this disorder? How do you cope?

Here’s what I have been doing for the past week:

- Reading my bible on the train ride into work (Psalms)(A-)
- Listening to The Secret audio book (A+)
- 1 hour of meditation daily (broken up in am, midday, pm)(A+)
- Avoided negative thoughts about my body, relationships, etc. (A-)
- Refocused when judgments about others popped into my head. (C-)
- Avoided negative conversations (C+)
- Took meds (A-)
- Went to bed early enough (A+)
- Thus far, 2 days of for real exercise (A+)

Guess what? I’m not even gonna deduct points for my Swedish Fish, Twix, Kit Kat or the alcohol binge fest.

Why?

Cuz I enjoyed very moment of them!

This is the lifestyle cocktail that's working for me. See, the thing is that we’re not all cookie cutter bipolar endure-ers; some are manic, some are depressed, some are 1, 2, rapid cycling, ultra rapid cycling, etc. I’m doing what's working for me right now. The Secret and reading my Bible has helped me a lot.

May you all find a lifestyle cocktail that helps you do more than cope; live, happily.

I Worked out

30 min treadmill at 15%incline, 3.0mph
Total Lower Body workout.

Heehah!