I Feel Guilty

I'm happy.
I sleep well.

No tantrums.

I'm in a healthy relationship with a good guy.

The owners of my company love me.

I go to work when I want.

My landlord adores me.

2 doggies think I'm great.

I'm not manic or depressed.

So why do I feel guilty?

Well, one main reason: I Haven't Blogged In a While.

Onemeanmutha is my sister, and her blogged touched on an issue that I've kept "out-of-sight, not so successfully out-of-mind" - my brother.

My brother was the first person diagnosed with a mental illness in my family, and it really tore the family apart. There was a rift in the family for a year stemming from his first hospitalization, and the effects are still felt.

He is 6.5 years my Junior, and prior to his diagnosis we lived together. I blamed him for his misbehavior, short attention span, marijuana use, etc. I even moved to another state because I couldn't deal with what I was seeing him "do to himself". I couldn't understand why he just simply couldn't behave himself.

Fast forward to his diagnosis, and I felt like shit.
I should have seen signs.
I should have known.

I should have known that my brother wouldn't purposefully treat me like shit. But at the time it was easier to think that he was going through the "teen years" than that he had a mental illness.

I felt even shittier when our brother-sister bond wasn't enough to make him take his meds. I felt frustrated, betrayed, angry, etc.

I've stayed a way from the situation first because it truly hurts me to see him not at 100%. I realize that I've been placing my hurt, frustration and feelings of helplessness over his need for my support. Although I truly feel I did what I needed to do for me, now that I am stronger, I think it's time for me to reach out to him a bit more.

So I feel guilty about my brother.

I also feel guilty about onemeanmutha.

I just don't get it.

I think the worst part of bipolar disorder is that it quietly robs talented people of their contribution to the world.

I look at my sister and see beauty, health, intelligence and so much to offer the world. When I read that she's not in remission like me, it frustrates me.

How can I make her get better like me?
How can I make my brother better?
Why am I better?

I feel that maybe I should be in the trenches of mania and depression with them instead of going shopping and to spas; kinda makes my rants about GM seem like bullshit.

So how exactly do you support a family member with mental illness when you're afraid to lose yourself again to the same thing?

How do you support anyone for that matter with a mental illness when you're no longer there?

Is how I got better really how I got better?

Yeah, feeling a smidge guilty.

So thankful that I "feel".

Milestone

Acne Takes the Stand

In my quest to remain off meds, I need to pay attention to something else - my HORRIBLE candy cravings and SUPER POOR eating habits.

Could it be that my sleepless nights could be attribute to the LARGE sugar consumption right before bedtime and throughout the night. (Yeah, I roll over to stuff my mouth with Swedish Fish and apple juice.)

Could it be that I would have more energy, resist colds better and have no trouble with ACNE if I ate better and drank more water!

Hmmmm.

I eat like shit, and have been coasting on genetics to maintain my size, but what if my poor eating contributes to mood instability?

Yup, I'm all for the change. So, I am "allowed" 10 fish a day until I cut them out completely. The guy I'm dating ensures that I have at least one hot meal each day. (I said no to doing the Zone diet delivery thing.)

I don't want acne.

I'll also start running a couple times a week, and working out. Not only will I look and feel better, but it will help with my sleep as well.

So thankful for the ability to be honest with myself.

I'm Happy

I am really happy right now.

Why?

Cuz, I'm doing the muthaf*ckin work to be fine.

I'm doing what works for ME, and it's working. I am truly feeling normal for me and happy.

Can things be better? SURE!
Can things be worse? HELL YEAH.

But why focus on that stuff?

Being off meds means I NEED to avoid ALL stress, negativity, pessimism and bad energy. I feel like I'm alienating people, but we're talking about my life! I can't say: "My life sucks because I wasn't smart enough to separate myself from things and people that make me depressed, and so I'm back on meds."

Nope, not having it. If my life scores like Spiderman 3 or flops like Gigli, it's my fault.

So grateful for standing up for me!

Mixed Monday Share

I remember how I felt as my aunt described her frustration after being told that she should "pray her bipolar away".

At the time, I agreed that the imbalance had less to do with sin (actually nothing to do with sin at all), and more to do with basic human physiology.

I was angry at her pastor, and a year later, I, too would be on the receiving end of an ignorant pastor's mental illness prejudice.

So, why am I mixed today?

Last night I had chat with my bff, (lol) and was totally frustrated.

We have different diagnoses yet similar symptoms and manifestations.

Sometimes I forget that we are different. In general, I forget that EVERYONE is different from me. I expect people to act like me and to choose what I do and instantly get it because I'm always right. LOL (All the while not wanting people to be like me and to to do what I do; go figure).

Anyway,I am feeling great.
She's not.
I want to help, but can't because she doesn't believe what I believe.

We are in two different places physically, mentally, emotionally and physiologically.

There's no way for me to tell her how to get to my happy "here" without sounding like my aunt's pastor or without sounding judgmental.

I've felt like this for a while. Don't know what to do. I just accept that maybe I am not her messenger.

I've been off med, for at least 2.5 weeks, and I feel wonderful! I'm not measuring my moods according to mania or depression, but rather just human-ness.

I think clearly, sleep well, and am truly happy (especially since the nausea has subsided. YUK)

Then she said, "you could just be manic".

No, I'm not!

It didn't make me mad, but it did reveal something about my thought patterns for myself and other people.

I KNOW that I can heal myself. It's not a matter of "if", but "when".

In my life, I've seen limbs grow out.
I've been instantly healed of pain too many times to count.
I've healed myself.

Yes, there is a physiological dimension, but if a leg can be made longer, if people can be cured of cancer, can't I produce more serotonin?

This is not a mandate for everyone. I'm not advocating that everyone flush their meds down the toilet. I guess I'm saying that my meds were a poison to me. I don't EVER want to take them again, and I want to heal myself, and maybe I can help heal other people, too.

I've never looked to science for the end all be all result because I truly believe that science doesn't dictate the bottom line of my life. Here is where the concept of the Divine comes in (more on that later).

I am NOT my mind.
I am NOT a friggin diagnosis.
Living that way REALLY made me NUTS.

What am I?

I am a spirit that lives in a body and communicates with this world using my mind.

The world says I am manic when I am confused about how to communicate and relate to a world that's not my own.

The world says I'm manic when I'm eager to teach and do and learn, but I'm simply too fast for them.

Sidebar- I don't even believe in autism. I think people who are autistic are HIGHLY intelligent and communuicate at a higher level than regular humans.

But, I digress.

She then asked: "what are you gonna do when u have a very bad day & u realize that u can't control it w/o meds?"

My reply: "I am NEVER taking meds again!"

The only way I'll have another bad day is if I stop doing the work that got me to this point.

My way isn't for everyone, but it's called living life as Butterfly.

Grateful, for days outside the storm.

So...

So, how is it going for me?

Well, pretty darn good.

I had another 19 emails come to my phone last night and only heard one chirp when I got up for me 3am pee! LMBO!!

Listen, I’m not saying that everyone should flush their meds down he toilet. However, I am saying that what I’m doing now, is working for me.

So what am I doing?

Well, I know it may keep changing, but here’s what I did this week:

Diet
Omega 3
B12
Lotsa fruit
Lotsa water with lemon
No candy
Prunes and peanut butter

Exercise
Walking to/from the train (maybe 5 blocks total)

Meds
None

To Sleep
20 minutes of meditation
20 minutes of positive thinking
Lavender oil on the pillow and eye pillow
Lavender in the oil burner
Meditation Music as I sleep
Prayer

Reading
My Bible
The Secret
Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About
Heal Your Life

Listen
Gospel
The Secret
Joel Olsteen
Meditation Music

I’m not holier than thou, just sharing what works for me.

So grateful for a clear mind.

I'm Sleeping!

So, I've been off meds, right.

One of the reasons I went on them is that I wasn't sleeping AT ALL!

Well, I've been leaving my Treo on at night because all emails come to my phone, and I can gauge if I've been sleeping by if I hear those email chirps.


Well, I had 19 by 3am, and I heard not even ONE!

Yahoo for me!

Anyway, this is my hour long sleep ritual:

1. Shower with lavender oil.
2. Lavender oil on my pillw and in the oil burner.
3. Meditation music playing.
4. Lavender oil on my purple eye pillow.
5. 10 minutes of meditation.
6. 10 minutes of reading my bible.
7. Counting backwards from 100.

The list goes on, but I rather do this than pop another damn pill!

Thankful for being able to sleep!

Hi

Nausea is subsiding, and I'm feeling a bit better. One of the great things is that my brain feels fine. I can focus at work, and I am witty and smart and charming and positive and, oh behave!

But I'm feeling great!

March and April were so angry, so I want may to be more of me, the happy me because truly, that me ROCKS!

I'm gonna end each post this month with something I'm thankful for; no matter how b*tchy the post. So, because tody is the 2nd, I'll do two:

1. Thankful that I have a desire to do what works for me no matter how contraversial it may be.

2. Thankful that I have an owner who is understanding.

Ciao!

You're Too Negative!

I asked someone to leave my office yesterday.

I told them they were too negative and affecting my aura and mood.

They thought I was being mean, and for a brief second, I cared, but then I stopped.

Who the hell wants to hear whining and negativity with each interaction?

Now that I am off meds, I need to be aware of all the negativity around me. I must be pro -me and do everything to ensure that I no longer need meds.

So, world, if I hurt your feelings by telling you to go away or be quiet, or if I don't return your calls or close my office door, it's because I'm protecting me and you are such a detriment to my emotional and mental stability and success.

Can't be near any muthaf*ckin killjoys!

Get a f*ckin grip! I'm doing my work, do yours!

- Stress =

Minus Stress equals?

What are my stresses?

- Money. (I wouldn't work if I had more of it. If they are honest most people would agree.)

- Health (I need "in case shit happens" aka insurance but then this could be traced back to money because if I had lots of it, I wouldn't need a job. I'd pay for my insurance out right and get the best health care?

- Making a difference in the world. (Naw, back to money. Cuz I would be able to take my time and do what I want because I would need to work.)

So it's money?

Money is my stress?

The reason I can't sleep is because of money?

The reason I'm angry, lash out etc, is because of money?

I'm not saying that I would never have another bip symptom, but if I take away the stress, I'm not the type to find something else to stress about.

So, problem solved.

In the words of Lil Kim: F*ck b*tches, Get Money. LMBO

Ctrl Alt Delete

Yup. I'm rebooting.

I'm not getting to the "sights" I want, and so I am simply starting my applications over.

How I see it, once I've reloaded my page several times, the writings on the wall - either my connection is malfunctioning or it's my hard drive.

I think it was Albert Einstein who said the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

Like duh.

I'm not insane.

Here are my discoveries:

I tried the meds. At this point, they're doing more harm than good, so I'm off. For me to keep taking them and expecting to feel better, is insane.

I also discovered that I'm old fashioned. I want to cook, clean and be taken care of, but in today's feminist superwoman of the 21st century world, saying this sounds unambitious and lazy. So, of course I've been in denial about what I really want, and have routinely picked guys who can't do or are unwilling to do the above.

So, now it's out in the open. If I'm not honest about what I want, how am I supposed to get it?

To keep picking guys that need mothers and expecting them to turn into men that want to take care of me, is insane.

Another truth: certain people, places, songs, and things bring me down. They're like Spyware; they do nothing to improve my modem speed or mood. So they must be deleted or put in a folder until I feel like dealing with them.

For me to keep listening to the same depressing shit over and over and expect joy, is insane.

Not sure where I was going with this. I guess I am taking responsibility for my life and want everyone to do the same.

Day 2

Nausea still here.
Woke up at 6am to eat a plum and apple.
Lemon water helps.
Yogurt stayed down.
Need to eat several mini meals to deal.

Weak as hell, but my head works!
No depression. No mania!
Yahoo for me!

Swan

I've been watching the Swan; you know, the reality tv show that's all cosmetic surgery. (Oh they also do therapy and weight training.)

Well, I realized that I haven't been taking good care of myself regularly.

I only get dressed for work or an event.
Makeup also only for work, and event or if a guy is visiting. :-p

Showers? What showers? I only do it for work, and even then it's like pulling teeth.

I need to wash my hair...Hey Ash, TMI ALERT..I need to shave, and basically become a Swan instead of the ugly duckling fug ball that I've become. I'm sure being dirty and ugly and blah contributes to my mood, too.

So, this week:
- Showers (and I'm gonna like it)
- Makeup every day (I don't need it, but I feel pretty and "done".)
- Nice outfits
- Perfume
- I'm even gonna wear sandals!

Yup. I'm gonna put a pedicured foot forward this week.

I'm also gonna do something fun for me. No food, but like a movie or something.

Wish me luck!

Anger Management

Ash said that I was probably the angriest chick he knew.

He's right.

I've been angry much of my life for something and nothing, but I know this now. So, I'm gonna do something about it.

What?

Be more aware, I guess.

Try to diffuse situations before they get to kaboom!
Journal some more, and of course meditation, prayer and The Secret.

I'll keep ya posted.

Off Meds I Am

I have never felt sicker.

I have most likely puked my body weight in the last two weeks between withdrawal and reintroduction of the meds to my system.

I'm done.

If depression is the opposite of feeling like shit, gimmie depression.

I have been mentally alert, clear and roaring to go, but I can't execute my thoughts because my body is too lethargic, weak, uncooperative and unpredictable.

Scents make me nauseous.
I never know when I'll puke.
TMI ALERT: I alternate between IBS and severe constipation.
Grapefruit juice helps, but counteracts meds.
I'v been enjoying a diet of prunes and peanut butter.

I'm done.

I bought Omega 3, B12, supa dupa women's vitamins, water, lotsa fruit, and charged my Ipod so I could listen to The Secret.

I'm ready for meditation, yoga, prayer and bible reading, and taking my life back from seroquel and friggin lexapro.

Hell, feeling like shit for meds, just isn't worth it to me.

So for the sake of this new journey, I've added a new label OFFMED.