Under the Influence

There was a point in my life when I knew nothing about drugs and alcohol.

Truth is, when I was in high school, I visited other high schools as a peer counselor, and was lauded for my anti-drugs/ alcohol/ violence/ pregnancy speeches.

I'm certain that this "perfect child" pedestal I was placed on contributed greatly to the pressures I have today; but I digress.

Is it that I simply grew up, and as I did I was exposed to things like drugs?

How is it that I know SO MANY PEOPLE for whom smoking weed is commonplace; part of daily activity?

Brush teeth, take bath, check voicemail, smoke some weed.

I know professionals, like head of companies and households, that smoke weed EVERYDAY!

It's around me so much, that I'm having issues determining if weed is bad (as I've always thought) or simply matter of choice.

I did it about 3 times. Once as a trial and I fell asleep. The other 2 times I did it intentionally to fall asleep.

I only stopped smoking becasue I was afraid my addictive personality would take over and I'd end up in a facility for drug rehabilitation

I guess I'm a hypocrite.

Hence, added frustration that makes me long for Maryland and the quiet necessary to balance my "ought" and my "actual".

Drunken Rage

Remember my drunken last Wednesday?

Well, I went off meds because I knew I would be drinking (no Anna Nicole here). One of the things I found out was that I went into a drunken rage and had Mr. M by the throat, banging his head against a wall because I thought he was trying to talk to some other chick.

Apparently, he recognized that I was "not myself" and was able to calm me down, get me away from everyone and I was ok for a little bit, but then I saw the girl and went over to her.

From what I was told, I threatened to hurt hurt, begged her to test me, and then told her if I saw her near him again, I would wreck her life, and she would have no peace.

A co-worker was present.

Totally ashamed.

No one really knows what I was saying unless the girl told.... damn.

I quit my therapist, but I am gonna look into anger management classes. I guess Mr. M knows for sure now that I'm bipolar and what I can be like off meds and on alcohol. I've since banished him from my life not out of embarrassment, but because I think I like him and I don't want to like him any more.

Truth is, I'm not sure I've learned my lesson.

Today is Wednesday, another event, and another 5 hours worth of opportunities to drink. I'll keep ya posted.

Oh Shit!

Yes, I left the "i" in instead of putting a "*" because that's exactly how I feel.

I was drunk, and now that I know how drunk, I feel like shit, and y'all this has nothing to do with bipolar.

Even if I wasn't bipolar, I'd still feel like shit.

People have been asking what is life like with bipolar. So, here's the difference between regular life and living life with bipolar disorder.

In regular life, I'd go home, cry, delete numbers and email addresses, eat 2 jumbo packs of Swedish Fish, I'd cry myself to sleep and then be up for work in the am.

When living with bipolar, I'd go home, cry and cry until I hyperventilate, then i have an asthma attack and use my inhaler 3 or 4 times. Then I'd delete numbers and email addresses, tear up pictures and set everything on fire with an incense in the middle. I'd then eat 2 jumbo packs of Swedish Fish, a Twix and have 2 wine coolers. I'd feel bad and throw it all up then cry. By this point I'm too far gone to remember to take my meds, or I take 2 extra to ensure that I sleep and forget what I was told. I'd sleep well past 10am, and wake up at 2pm hung over, dizzy and absent from work once again.

Do you see it?

Bipolar is an exaggerated state of regular emotions. It's like we have a defective shut off valve; we go too far in either direction.

And right now, because I am afraid to go too far in either direction, I'm numb. I type and dread the moment when reality will sneak up on me and "make me look" or when truth with hold my chin and make me look her square in the eyes.

F*ck.

There was a point when I was proud to be me, and when I want to be "on" and give everyone my representative, I make everyone feel that my life is wonderful and damn good to be me.

In those instances, I'm perfect, the picture of a successful, beautiful, well-adjusted, strong woman.

Every man wants me, and every chick wants to be me.

Today, I'd like to walk away from everything and start a new life where no one knows my name, my face, or anything about me.

I now know why I have a bruised knee, a 6 inch scratch and way less money in my Commerce account. Quite frankly, I feel like shit and too ashamed to ever tell anyone the full details.

It's my fault, not bipolar's fault.

I had a negative emotion.
I drank to counteract it.
I drank too much.

And now, I'm ashamed.
I'm disappointed.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm annoyed.
I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I'm f*cking nauseous and want to throw up.

But I don't feel this way because I'm bipolar.

I feel this way because today, I'm a f*ck up and because of my bipolar disorder, I don't have the luxery of feeling completely and whining and wallowing in my agony because I've got to ensure that I can get an Oscar when I face the real world, tomorrow.

There. Do you know how it feels, now?

Cure vs. Manage

So, from what I’ve read on a couple of these bipolar sites, bipolar disorder isn’t something that is cured, but rather something that is managed. It’s like diabetes, there’s no cure, so take your insulin; or like asthma, there’s no cure, so carry your inhaler and use your nebulizer.

I’m not over the whole “I’m-gonna-cure-myself” thing. I truly believe I can, and when I do, I’m gonna help everyone; but until then, let’s talk about managing.

How are you managing your bipolar disorder?

By definition, manage means: to pull off: be successful; achieve a goal; cope: come to terms or deal successfully with;

Are you successful in coping with this disorder? How do you cope?

Here’s what I have been doing for the past week:

- Reading my bible on the train ride into work (Psalms)(A-)
- Listening to The Secret audio book (A+)
- 1 hour of meditation daily (broken up in am, midday, pm)(A+)
- Avoided negative thoughts about my body, relationships, etc. (A-)
- Refocused when judgments about others popped into my head. (C-)
- Avoided negative conversations (C+)
- Took meds (A-)
- Went to bed early enough (A+)
- Thus far, 2 days of for real exercise (A+)

Guess what? I’m not even gonna deduct points for my Swedish Fish, Twix, Kit Kat or the alcohol binge fest.

Why?

Cuz I enjoyed very moment of them!

This is the lifestyle cocktail that's working for me. See, the thing is that we’re not all cookie cutter bipolar endure-ers; some are manic, some are depressed, some are 1, 2, rapid cycling, ultra rapid cycling, etc. I’m doing what's working for me right now. The Secret and reading my Bible has helped me a lot.

May you all find a lifestyle cocktail that helps you do more than cope; live, happily.

I Guess I Was Drunk

I forgot to tell you.

My right knee is bruised and I have a 6 inch scratch on my leg.

I discovered them after my date with Mr. Toilet. I took a shower and it burned like hell. That's how I discovered them.

So, what the hell happened?

Why is my knee not only bruised, but bruised to the point of having a scab on it?

What scratched me?

Can't remember sh*t, and yes, I get the point.

Mr. Toilet

3 Shots of Petron Café (yum)
1 Glass of Champagne
4 Cups of Sangria
2 Glasses of Cranberry Juice

I swear, I was not trying to get drunk.

I had an amazing day at work.
My event was a major success. (I’m a publicist.)
I was with great friends
The music was right, and I was making money as I partied.

Got home at 6:20am, woke up at 9am, and then it hit me.

Whoa, Butterfly, you’re drunk like a skunk!

But I’m still smiling!

I wasn’t on meds (cuz I knew I would be drinking).

I was me, Butterfly. Not a diagnosis, just me; Loving life, enjoying great company, and being on.

Oh, I digress.

Yeah, I had a date with Mr. Toilet. Hell, the alcohol had to leave my system one way or the other, and once I worked my abs a couple times, I was ready for Thursday. (Lol)

Yeah, maaaaan!

Shut Up!

I swear, this week, noise has been amplified.

Not just regular noise like sirens, birds, taxi honks and stuff. I mean people's DAMN VOICES!

PLEASE, JUST SHUT THE F*CK UP!

How about you buy a vowel, a "u" and insert it above!

Who, you ask?
Who should shut the f*ck up?

Anyone who wants to tell me what to do.

If I say I'm not bip, then, I'm not f*cking bip!

If I say I want alcohol and fat arse blunt (even if I'm not a smoker), then I will have alcohol and fat arse blunt!

If I want to move again, I will move again!

I'm the boss of me.
I do whatever I want.

Damn, just back the f*ck up!

Dear Oprah:

Dear Oprah,

I love that you built the school in Africa, and that you talk to celebs and help women find their correct bra size.

That's all f*cking awesome.

But you think you can pause to do a show about bipolar disorder and the struggle I deal with every day?

So it's not MS, Lupus, cancer or sickle cell, but it's hella important and we really need you to raise awareness and get people talking about this.

Why do you think some people kill themselves, turn to drugs and alcohol and go on murderous rampages?

Why do you think so many of us actually inhale?

It's the damn non-stop voices in our heads, the frustration, the paranoia.

We need a face, Oprah.

We need you to help.

I'm not saying stop cancer research, but can a few bucks be kicked out to find or make some f*cking meds that work?

Damn?

Oprah, I am even willing to come out of the closet to be the face. I guarantee you that you and your viewing audience will be surprised by the faces behind this disorder.

No one talks about it.

Hey, maybe I'll film a week in the life of the Butterfly or I won't take my meds (that don't work anyway) just so i could be manic or depressed (right now it's a roll of the dice); guaranteed to be a ratings booster.

Hey, use me for Sweeps!

I'll do anything to feel normal again.