Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 2

When I was younger I had an insanely detailed approach to dating and whether someone was "fit" to date. I actually maintained a list on yellow legal paper that I followed. (I actually still have the list, but I'll need to look for it. When I find it, I'll scan.)

Anyhoo, I followed those guidelines well into college which is probably why I think I kept relationships at bay and was able to build a pretty impressive career.

When I abandoned those guidelines, I walked smackdab into chaos.
Why? Because success has patterns.
Why? Because success leaves clues for reciprocation.
Why? Because you should stick with what works.

So if my insanely detailed list worked so well why did I stop using it?

Well, my hindsight explanation is that I assumed that defective substance was equal to defective form.

Huh, Butterfly what does that mean?

See, in my junior year of college, I started dating I guy who I thought was great. We had the perfect "Sweet Valley High" relationship:

"Intelligent, Athletic, Exotic Beauty
Dates
Handsome, Intelligent Older Jock."
In retrospect, I don't think I ever learned that my relationships could end; after all, I followed the list.

How could it end when it was so "good"?

So when it DID end, I subconsciously attributed the end of the relationship (the substance)to my faulty list (the form). I subsequently shifted to the world's approach to relationships and the result was several years of shit.

So then what?

From 2006-2007, I walked away from two relationships that people thought were "great", but I knew there was better, and I wanted better. I was tired of settling to simply "be" in a relationship. I returned to basics, and by doing so, I was led to my wonderful husband.(More on hubby later.)

So, back to reciprocating success. When I returned to my core values with relationships, I got what I wanted. So now I must return to my core values about my skin, body and God.

What was I doing THEN that was so special?

See Part 3

TV Bad

I censor my TV watching.

I don't watch TV shows that show poor marriages or cheating.

I guess I value my marriage a lot and I don't want to plant seeds of anything that could possibly have the potential to be an issue.

Interesting enough I judged my sister and her husband a couple years ago for having a filter on her TV that omitted curse words.

Hmmmm, funny how opinions change with marriage.

Gratitude Moments

I've been forgetting to add them to the end of my posts, so I'm gonna give you five of them.

I'm thankful for:

1. Unexpected state tax returns.
2. The ability to control the thermostat.
3. Choices of what to eat.
4. A husband that prays with and for me.
5. The ability to get a job.

Life seems less stressful when I focus on blessings.

I'm Back ....Therapy Update

I am going to force myself to type because I know it's good for me. I have 15 posts to finish and by golly I'm gonna get through them tonight.

So here we go.

My therapy is going well. Hubby suggested that I see her twice a week!

She's great, really supportive, and more supportive-er than any therapist that I have ever had. She's tough with me, she gives me hugs and she is sensitive to my moods and lets me work them out in my own time.

Hubby spoke with my therapist 2 weeks ago. They shared their mutual appreciation and then I got on with my session.

Therapy should be a part of everyone's life; not, just in a crisis, but all the time. Therapy should be more routine than a gynie exam.

Good t-docs are out there. Find one. Keep one.

Gratitude Moment: So thankful for people who devote their life to helping us sort it out.

Hubby, My Self Image & My Feet

I've long know that I am severely affection and attention deficient; it's one of the reasons why I have never had a desire to have kids. When I was younger I figured that I would want ALL of my husband's attention ALL THE TIME, so there would be none available for a child.

So, I know that I have the perfect husband for me. He compliments me A LOT and I soak it up like a spongy sponge!

His compliments of course are ALL true - I am the most gorgeous woman in all of the world, I do have the best body, smile, eyes, bum, body, toes AND I'm funny! :-)

But he also compliments me so I can identify reality and the BS in my head caused by bip and ED. He's paid specific attention to my ED and self -esteem issues. When I am embarking on a self -defeatist or self -destructive path, he knows how to get me back on the right track.

I looked at my feet today, and liked them.

Ok, what does my feet have to do with anything?

Well, I've always liked my feet. I think they're cute. Yet, one day I woke up and didn't like my feet probably because people I dated weren't really into feet or said I had long toes or something. But anyway, at some point I began to dislike my feet.

Well, I like them again; not only because hubby does, but I realize that they're mine and aren't bad at all! It made me realize how I've allowed other people's opinions and perceptions become my view of MY body.

How wack is that?!

I love my toesies!

Gratitude Moment: I am thankful that I recognize the need to reboot my mental computer.

Where Am I?

My head is simultaneously racing and in a fog.

I type this on my blackberry while sitting in the car and looking at the house.

The house represents disorder for me right now; work to be done. There are things inside that need to be completed and there is food.

I'm having a tough time with the eating disorder thing. I try to convince myself that I have it under control, but I know I don't. Every chance I get I have a tape measure around my waste or I'm turning sideways to see how much of my stomach pokes out or walking to see if my thighs touch.

My skinny jeans are looser around the waist. I like that, but exercise wasn't the catalyst. It was really colonics, repeated sweats in the sauna and barely there eating.

T-doc told me to journal. Blogging kinda is.

Hubby is my other 1/2; better 1/2. How is it that he loves me thicker, yet I want to be smaller for him?

Butterfly, what are you doing?

I'm doing the lemonade diet aka master cleanse.

Why?

My skin isn't as clear as I want it. Toxins are what has me looking and feeling like this. Get rid of the toxins and I'll feel better, right? But I spend so much time purging, sweating, and watching what I eat that I'm not getting anything done.

I'm still in the car.

Hubby loves me as I am.
I need to love me as I am.

I know I'm not fat. With the exception of 2 inches, I'm almost back to work standards.

Then paranoia starts. I feel like some people are waiting for me to crack just so they can say "I told you so!" WHATEVER! I don't need to be on meds just because you are!

I don't like not having friends, but I like not listening to b*tchin a whole lot more than not having friends.

Then comes the law of attraction. To think negative is to get more of it.

Can’t do this right now.

I’m going in.

I Was the Other Woman

About 3 times.

Great men, married 6+ years, with whom I had GREAT conversations.

Attraction lead to our meetings, but each relationship progressed because we would talk soooooooo much. We had a lot in common. They were all great men.

What married women fail to understand is MEN LIE. Period. People lie to get what they want or a chance to explore if someone is what they need.

I was lied to. With "Guy A", I had zeroreasons to suspect a wife. With as much time as we spent together, there was no way a wife was allowing that!

There were never excuses, never "only late night meetings", or "can't see you's". None of that. We discussed marriage, and I was convinced that I had found my "the one".

It wasn't a Ricky Lake episode where I missed all the signs, either.

I found out when the wife called me.

My world was crushed.

We spoke soooo much. How did he NOT find an opportunity to tell me that he was MARRIED?!?!?!?

I think I had a bipolar blackout. I had too many emotions bubbling to think clearly and what followed was an anger, hatred, frustration, hurt and confusion-filled haze.

But I still felt love. Yes, still love.

Love doesn't have a switch. If the love was earnest, you're still in love with the lover that shattered your love, long after all is revealed.

"Well, the love was based on a lie, so it couldn't be real and therefore easy to walk away from." Ludicrous. The love was real. Every moment was real when we were together.

I chose to end it.

Before your applause, know that although the "physical" aspect of the relationship ended, their were still very open emotional wounds. The man who was my best friend had hurt me, and as twisted as it seems, I turned to him to help fix it.

I hated him, but getting a "why" helped me heal.

Maybe I knew that the hatred and hurt would consume me if I didn't forgive, but began to understand his state of mind.

I understood how a "good" man who married because it "seemed like the right thing to do" could grow apart from him wife.

I understood how not having ideal situations at home would keep you at work with opportunities to meet me.

I understood how the one place where he didn't have the reality of his sucky life was with me.

I even understood how he subconsciously wished his wife would find out and they could have an amicable divorce without me ever finding out because he was too spineless to take a stand.

I didn't excuse it, but I understood.

When the wife called me, she didn't say "Butterfly, I'm sorry to inform you, but your boyfriend is my husband." Noooooooo. She said, "You, sl*t, b*tch! I'll come to your job, you home wrecking wh*re!"

She assumed my guilt; assumed that I knew about her and intentionally set out to "break up her happy home". She was mean to me.

So with each call I took from her apologetic husband STILL professing his love for me, I laughed at her. She deserved her sorrow! I was JUSTIFIED!

What!? How could I say such a thing?

She didn't care that I was hurting, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna care about her. She won. She had the man! She was going to torture him just to the point before he would leave her for good. Why did she need to keep calling, me?

Each time there was an issue in their marriage, I was to blame, and she would call me again and again and again.

Other woman or not, I got tired of it. I needed healing, too. I didn't ask for this just like she didn't. So each call was an opportunity for me to exact my frustration and hurt on her, but also to hurt her for being mean to me.

Mean. I know. But, she made it easy for me to be mean.

Ultimately, I forgave him (and all the others). I realized that we could never be friends. Too much had happened. Also, by continuing our conversations, they still had what made them lie in the first place - the emotional connection to me. They were still cheating because ever so often despite my desire to move forward, they still brought up a "remember when".

My parting advice to them: If she's worth it, go home, apologize, accept being in the dog house and work like mad to regain her trust. If she's not, forget about waiting until the kids graduate. Man up, get a divorce.

At present: 1 divorce, 1 separation, 1 reconciliation.

The divorced guy realized that he didn't/ couldn't be with her.
The separated guy is taking time to figure out what he wants.
The guy that reconciled realized that he didn't try hard enough.

My point: It was never about me, but about the state of their marriages.

Never shared this before. Just venting, I guess.

Preserve Your Sexy

***POTENTIALLY CONTROVERSIAL ALERT***
Married men are still men. Men like women; good looking women.

When men cheat, they never go for Gilda the lunch lady or Janice the geriatric librarian. They go for Svetlana the Russian model, Renee the 23 year old English au pair, or Kelly their smokin hot executive assistant from Detroit.

What's my point?

Too many women stop being sexy as soon as they wed. They trade in stilettos for Keds, minis for mom jeans and contacts for glasses. They stop working out, stop wearing makeup and become the very definition of everything that turns their husbands OFF. Likewise, men fail to be emotionally available to their wives.

IMHO, there is a fundamental difference between the sexes:
Men marry women and hope that they NEVER change.
Women marry women and hope that they WILL change!
When men cheat once, it's usually all about the sexual chemistry. For chronic cheaters (with multiple women) it's about sex. It grows into an affair when he receives the validation of being a man that he isn't getting at home. A man may or may not have sex with a women with whom he develops and emotional connection.

Women (in my opinion) rarely cheat for sex. They usually do it because the person listened to them or made them feel sexy. It seems to starts emotional first.

Anyway, WAIT! I am not blaming Spitz-wife's appearance on the reason why he cheated. I'm not using appearance as an excuse for cheating at all. Cheating is unacceptable even if a man is whuppin your butt!

What am I saying?

Well, I think women/ wives should be HOT! First for themselves (it’ll make you feel great); but also for your husband. (The same applies to husbands. Be sexy and attentive to your wives.)

Will being sexy STOP men from cheating? Absolutely not. After all, Eric Benet cheated on Halle Berry and she is as gorgeous as it gets. (But he was a nympho.) A jerk is a jerk, but sexy breeds intimacy and intimacy is an integral part of a relationship; it’s glue. Without glue, the marriage will come undone.

IMHO, "sexy" is placed on the back burner in marriages. The intimacy that brought two people together will be the intimacy that keeps them together. Intimacy need not be ONLY sex, it could be communication. All too often, life clutters the view so that the decline in intimacy goes unnoticed.

“Be sexy” isn’t the end all be all, but it’s the complaint that I hear most often.

There's a lot that taints my viewpoint. Life has been different for me.

Stay Tuned: I Was the Other Woman.

More on Spitz

I love that I get to share my thoughts. I love that you all take the time to reply to my posts.

With that said, I got a couple looooong responses to my Stop Whining, Start Living post, and I LOVED them.

I'm gonna try to clarify my thoughts in two posts. After reading it and based on how my week has been, I think I was a bit racy when I wrote.

First, I wasn't siding with Schlesinger as much as I was proffering an alternate angle to the situation.

Obviously Spitz is a selfish jerk for disrespecting his wife and family, and for being so arrogant that he felt he wouldn't get caught.

So, let's go to the day, week, month, year before the news broke. What was their marriage like?

Everything could have been wonderful! Or, it could have been marred by indiscretion, arguments, physical abuse, boredom, zero intimacy. Even if it wasn't perfect, that wasn't reason for his cheating.

Hmmm, where was I going with this?

Oh, if his actions were so deplorable, why the heck did she stand by his side? What to try to work it out now, after the shit hit the fan?

Gimmie a break! Why do people -men and women- wait until their marriages publicly crumble to do something about it?

What am I faulting Spitz's wife for?

I fault her for standing at his side in support after he disrespected her with a $5k whore. I fault her for not paying closer attention to finances. Yeah, $5k may be $5 to them, but he spent $80k on this chick. He took $80k that could be used for his children and invested them in a tramp! How/ why did you not notice?

Don't tell me there weren't clues.

I fault her for selling out. What she really wanted to do was set him on fire! Or maybe like many other women she likes playing the "victim-I-can't-do-anything-about-it-as-long-as-he-takes-care-of-the-girls role".

What did she do? She plays the "noble governor's wife" role for the sake of who? Him? I'm disgusted!

How about using public affair is grounds for divorce, get rid of him, collect the alimony and child support and get another man?

Gimmie a break!

I can only imagine how low her self -esteem has sunk. And then to see that chick that he “requested” is a babe; I would need to be propped on a stick in order to stand at my husband’s side.

Stay Tuned: Preserve Your Sexy

Stop Whining, Start Living

As wonderful as my hubby is, sometimes he tells me to "SUCK IT UP!"

As affectionately as he can say it, he reminds me that sometimes I simply need to stop whining, and to be a big girl.

At some point everyone's gonna have to stop blaming parents, a sucky childhoods, illness and relationships for sucky life.

Harsh isn't it?

Actually, it's truth.

I was watching the Today show as they discussed New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and his prostitution ring. Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that his wife was partly to blame. She proffered that "good men" do not stray from "good women" unless they are nymphos, weirdos, nuts or jerks.

She then said that Spitzer's wife should ask herself if she was being the affectionate, passionate, sexy, loving wife that her husband wanted and needed.

If she could honestly answer "yes", then she was a fool to be at his side. If her answer was no, then she should own her 1/2 of the marital decay.

The hosts of Today were not pleased, but I agree with Schlesinger 100%.

So many women want amazing men, men who will love and respect them, but they pick sh*t losers.

Or they want great men, but are in fact damaged goods themselves.

Why should a first class man want a coach chick?
Why should a kobe beef man want some 2 week old lunch meat?

Go, Laura Schlesinger for going against the grain and speaking the truth, instead of being watered down!

Her new book is Stop Whining, Start Living.

The Whole Friend Thing

Like really, what is it about?

Hubby thinks I've bought into the American "Sex & The City" concept of friendship because I feel a smidgen guilty when I'm not in consistent contact with people labeled friends.

I've never have consistent friendships. My friendships have always been ones of proximity, convenience, or utility. Not good, right?

Well, says who?

I look at my older sister and all of her mom, wife, and chick groups. I think they're cool, and would like to have those sometimes, but I am so NOT the "be-around-me-all-the-time, call-you-all-the-time" person.

I think when I did it, I did it because it was expected, not necessarily what I wanted to do.

Yeah, there is something to be said about doing things that you don't want to do merely because they will sustain a relationship.

But why?

I don't wanna; especially now that I'm married. My husband is my best friend. I talk to him. Why would I talk to someone else when I can talk to him?

I'm rambling. Hmmm.

I also think that people are going through withdrawal right now. They're so used my "act" that now that I'm "me", they're not liking it.

I am happy with me right now. Very happy being unapologetically, married, me.

Damn it feels good.

God Gave Me a Break

Last March when I really felt like I was losing my mind, I prayed for a break. I thought the break would be found in a rehab ala Brittney Spears. My break actually came in the form of my husband.

He is the very definition of the man my heart knew, but lips couldn't articulate. He is my absolute best friend and the most amazing human being I have ever met.

He challenges me, supports me, scolds me when necessary, makes me laugh and is an absolute joy every single day of my life.

He takes great care of me. He ensures that I eat, work out, get enough rest, and ensures that I'm not too hard on myself.

I haven't worked since November '07, and he has motivated me to return to acting.

He gave me a wonderful Valentine's Gift - a Mercedes Benz C300!

That's great, but not as great as the Valentine's Day card he gave me yesterday. The last line of the poem (he wrote it) was "everyday with you is a Happy Valentines."

He is the best. I am so grateful to God.

OCD Overdrive!

I went to the ER today. Yeah, my cold brought a buddy - a sinus headache and an earache that wouldn't go away.

So, around noon I blew my nose (gross), and heard something in my ear POP. I felt like a scene in the matrix; everything went blurry & topsie turvy.

Yup, balance was affected. Hubby wouldn't say anything besides "ER", so I went.

I also went to check on my thumb.

Did I tell u about my thumb?

Well, I slipped on my sister's stairs in November. I was in socks, carpetted stairs, bump, buMP, BUMP. Anyway, I didn't feel a heck of a lot of pain, but its been hurting lately. So I had it checked, too.

But that's not the point of this post.

They had me waiting in Room #3, and I almost went NUTS!

I had to stop the drippy faucet
Straighten the paper on the bed/ chair thingy
Close the babywipes handwipes container
Make the 2 boxes of gloves face the same direction
Line up everything on the counter so they were symetrical!

WTH!

I'm gonna blame that rush of OCD on residual Nyquil in my system. Lol!

Side Effects Suck

Ive been taking my asthma inhaler to prevent my cold symptoms from getting any worse. (That's usually what doc's recommend, and it works.)

So, now I am as Jittery as a .....hmmm, what's jittery?

Well, whatever is jittery, that's how I feel.

So in addition to the hives that cover my joints, hands, upper things and butt (how attractive), I have a sinus headache, I'm jittery, and slightly manic.

Side effects -So not worth it to me.

Hubby loves me and my hive-y parts.
I love him.

Baby, Don't Be Afraid of Change

Spent much of the day talking with hubby about the next steps of my career, and we made a "To Do" list for getting my head shots, taking new photos, and reaching out to agents and working out.

I was naming photographers, makeup artists, stylists, etc that I could work with when he paused me and said, "Baby, why not work with someone new?"

I knew what was coming....He was about to drop an inspirational thought provoking BOMB!

"If these people were capable and had the skills to motivate you and to propel you to personal and professional success, they would have. But they didn't. When you weren't at your best, "your friends" took your money anyway. Baby, don't be afraid of change. Pick some new people."

Wow. He's right. Old contacts see me as who I was, dysfunctional and unable to follow through. Their opinions are tainted. I've made so much progress in the last year that being surrounded by old people is a set back.

A new crew is perfect for a new start.

Hubby sees me as a superstar; not in spite of my challenges with bipolar disorder, but with and because of them.

He's my number 1 fan.

The Skinny on Marriage

So what does marriage mean for my modeling career?

Well, if I'm honest, I'll say that I love modeling, and the only reason why I stopped is that I became less accepting of my body.

That's where the ED comes in.

ED-Eating Disorder.

I'm doing a lot better. No throwing up in at least 4 months; no enemas either. My husband thinks I'm gorgeous, and that does wonders for my self-esteem. He also made me promise not to punish myself (more on that later).

Anyway, I started off in runway, went to commercial/ print modeling, and currently my body type is ideal for the Kim Kardashian, women's lingerie-type shoots, and I have done some in the past, but, I'm married and I don't want to do those anymore.

But I am gonna do some for my hubby.

Hmmm where was I going with this?

Oh, I am learning to accept myself, and instead of "you suck" being the motivator in my work outs, I want to be healthy and feel genuinely good about myself.

I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but I am also the happiest, too.