Sleep, where are you?

I haven't been sleeping. Well, I have, but not the good, ooo weee, that feels so good sleep.

Seroquel stopped working at 100mg. I was switched to some new thing called Fanapt, but it's too new. I don't trust anything when a pdoc can give samples. To me, that means a pharmaceutical sales rep is pushing something new that hasn't been sufficiently tested. So, I'm not taking it.

I tried klonopin on Thursday night, and I passed out at work on Friday. If my cellphone didn't ring, I would probably still be sleeping at work. I hate that drugged feeling, so I didn't take it Friday night or Saturday night. Not sure what I'm going to do tonight.

I wanted to do the seroquel because of my involuntary frowning and incessant jaw clenching. I was waking up with a headache because if how I locked my jaws. I needed something different.

I'm looking at melatonin. It's an otc product. I'll keep you posted.

I need to sleep!

Operation Start Over No. 93863428109419...

My Day This Far:

4am: Awake? What the hell for?

5am: Turn on the radio. I might as well be entertained.

7am: Geez. Still Awake.

8am: Startled out of sleep by mother calling. Ignore. Feeling drugged.

10am: Come on Butterfly, we can face the world.

10:15: In the shower. I finally rinse out the conditioner out of my hair. As I shower, I get light-headed and need to sit. It's too hot, I'm too hot. I lay down in the tub and pass out for a bit. I come to and finish with my shower. I must have gone too long without a bath. I'm now allergic to it.

10:45: Out of the shower, headed to kitchen for orange juice, Emergen-C, some tea and to write this post.

And now it's 10:50am.

I gotta have a plan today other than getting back into bed or laying on the couch under the covers. A failure to plan is planning to fail, isn't it?

Well, my body is in anxiety attack mode because I dread going outside. Yes, the agoraphobia is back. How do I feel? Well, no one can judge me at home. People will see that my skin is blotchy, I wear wigs, I'm a little fat in the tummy and notice that I act weird; and so it's safe here.

Ok, here comes the other part of the brain:

No Butterfly, you're focusing on your fears - False Expectations Appearing Real. You are much stronger than you give credit for. Remember the book "What Would You Do if You Had No Fear?"

Yes, I do.

What would you do today if you had no fear?

Ok, I would:

1. Go to three places where I want to work and try to get an interview on the spot.
2. I'd pitch my proposal to the local studio and start my modeling classes there.
3. I'd follow through with planning next Tuesday event.

Ok, so what's stopping you?

What if I don't get an interview? What if you do?
What is the studio isn't interested? What if they are?
What if I can't find a designer and models in time? What if you can?

Ok, I get the point.

It's so cliche, but I'll say it cuz you need to hear it. "Nothing beats a try." I think you are so afraid of being accountable and then messing up that you've simply stopped trying or you try and flake at the end. You are letting your bipolar disorder win.

Come on. I'll help you. Drink your juice, dry your hair and get dressed. We're going to find money.

Ready?

Not really, but ok.

On 3: 1-2-3 Let's Go!

Time 11:01am.

Stay Tuned.

Cellphone Transitions

I have 3 alarm clocks, yet I sleep with my cellphone. It's a horrible habit.

I tell myself that I use the cellphone as an alarm clock, but the truth is that when I can't sleep, or when I roll over in the middle of the night, I can check my email or read the news until I fall asleep again.

I'm gonna plug in the alarm clock, and use it.

I also think I'll get a watch. I'm too dependent on my cellphone throughout the day for the time. Geez!

What kind of watch?

I dunno. I've always heard that Tag Heuer watches are nice for women. I think Rolexes are more of a man watch or a status watch for women.

Who am I kidding, this is so not a major priority for me. I would need something with a changeable wristband, like a Technomarine watch. Then I'd probably spend an extra 10 minutes of my day trying to decide if I should use the red wristband as an accent, or to use pink and the new black. LOL!

Gonna baby step toward placing some distance between myself and the cell phone.

Sleep Tight

NO, it's too expensive!

Hubby and I are going back and forth on getting a new bed.

In my quest to rule out root causes of symptoms, hubby wants us to get a Temperpedic bed.

These beds are $7,000 and that doesn't even include the warranty!

Heck NO!

Hubby seems to think that our sleep is worth the money. I'd like to say that I was able to convince him to let it go, but I can't. So I'm trying to find some alternatives. We do know that we want a memory foam mattress. We simply need to decide on what brand and how much to spend.

For $7,000, the bed needs to make itself, wash it's own linens, always smell like lavender and be fresh-outta-the-dryer warm!

Sunshiny-ness

Amanda mentioned that the SAD days were over, but I so didn't get it!

This Sunday daylight savings is in effect! Hooray!

Yes, the SAD (aka Seasonal Affective Disorder) days are over!

I am excited because I have been struggling to get up in the morning.

Tah-dah - It's here!

A Question

The blinds and thick curtains that keep the street lights out at night so I can sleep are the same blinds that keep the sunlight in the morning that help me wake up.

Which do I get rid of?

I'm Sleeping!

So, I've been off meds, right.

One of the reasons I went on them is that I wasn't sleeping AT ALL!

Well, I've been leaving my Treo on at night because all emails come to my phone, and I can gauge if I've been sleeping by if I hear those email chirps.


Well, I had 19 by 3am, and I heard not even ONE!

Yahoo for me!

Anyway, this is my hour long sleep ritual:

1. Shower with lavender oil.
2. Lavender oil on my pillw and in the oil burner.
3. Meditation music playing.
4. Lavender oil on my purple eye pillow.
5. 10 minutes of meditation.
6. 10 minutes of reading my bible.
7. Counting backwards from 100.

The list goes on, but I rather do this than pop another damn pill!

Thankful for being able to sleep!

Drowning w/o Lexapro

I’m up to my eyebrows in work; particularly because I haven't had Lexapro to keep me focused long enough to be productive.

But I recognize what’s happening, and I am fighting through it. I am almost finished cleaning my bedroom, dishes are done, and bathroom is ready for me to wash my hair. (I’ll also do laundry while the conditioner is penetrating.)

So what’s the issue?

I didn’t get the above done easily. I’ve got the Itunes going, TV, blogging, cleaning, Crystal Light, etc. I can't concentrate and have had to take frequent breaks. I recognize how much work I’m gonna have to put in to get all I want done, done tonight, so I am pushing through the fog, lazy haze and feeling like I felt pre-meds.

I'm kinda mad.

I feel that my pdoc should have made it her business to ensure that I had my meds!

What if I was having a serious episode?
What if I hurt someone or myself?
It would be HER fault.

I know, I know. By virtue of me being able to "say" it would be her fault, presupposes a clear enough mind.

Translation: cornrows and orange jumpsuits.

It’ll be a big day for me tomorrow, and people are depending on me to get things done and to keep them in the loop. I so wish I knew a Lexapro pusher.

Commando Pt 3.

Didn't take Seroquel last night.

I wanted to be up early to plan my hair and clothing for today's events. I also wanted to clean up.

The Italian wants to come by later, and my apartment is a mess, but my bedroom? ooooooo-weeeeeeee.

Bottles everywhere, clothes everywhere, and Smart Start crumbs on the floor. He got me this apartment so I can't have him see it looking like day old hell!

Anyway, as expected I tossed and turned and had some weird dream/ thought thingies.

Finally got up at 3am and read my sister's blog and Ash's blog.

It's 6:29am, no clue what to do with hair or what to wear. I'm not tired, but hmmmm, we'll see.

NYPD Took My Seroquel

So my car
was towed and in it was my duffel
bag with my meds.

Know what that means?

No sleep.

Sleep would have been my solace as I still desire to drown out the voices in my head that replay exactly how drunk I was, over and over.

I had it all planned - 100mg of Seroquel and sleeping til noon. By the time I would wake up, it would be time to hit the ground running for another day of superwoman at work.

Now I'm left to my own thoughts, and it scares me.

I don't have any water. Only Chrystal Light mix.

I'm sad, but so damn afraid to feel.

3 Hours

I shut my computer off at 2am.

I had the tossy turny sleep, and then it was 5am.

Uh,I think I'll pick up my Seroquel prescription.

I Yawned

1:58am.

I yawned.

Hooray?

We'll see.

Out of Seroquel

Got home and realized that I was out of Seroquel.

Hmmmm.

I forgot to pick up my prescription.

Hmmmm.

Maybe it was that other "me" made me forget because she thinks that we can do without it. I use other "me" tongue in cheek.

So, uh, its 12:31am, and I'm wide awake. I guess I'll see you later on in the morning.

Seroquel vs. Mania

I was in a one fall, steal chair caged match last night.

Well, not exactly, but it sure as hell felt like it.

I took my usual 50mg work -eve dose of Seroquel at 10:15pm to ensure that I'd be fast asleep at 11pm; but it didn't work.

(I take 75mg if I'm going in to work late, and 100mg on nights where I have no plans of getting out of bed before 2pm. My prescribed dose is 100mg. Don't tell my doc.)

I saw 1am, 2:45am, 3 something, 5:15 and then I was up at 6:15am to give my sis her wake up call.

I didn't sleep much at all, and when I did sleep, it wasn't that deep, feels -so-good, "ooo -don't-wake-me" sleep.

So, yup, I'm manic today, but not the "bouncing off the walls" manic, that allows me to get a week's worth of work done in a couple hours. Today, I'm closer to the "don't-talk-to-me-cuz-I'm-pissy-and-highly-likely-to-pinch-you-very-hard-or-at-the-very-least-roll-my-eyes-at-you" manic.

And last night, manic kicked Seroquel's arse!

So tonight I'm going up to 75mg .

The Thugs Are After Me

I saw them kill someone, so I've been living in hiding for the last 6 months.

Every minute was lived in fear.

I didn't trust anyone to know where I was, so I would wear different disguises to get food, and take a long way to get to my hiding place just to be certain no one was following me.

It was stressing me. It was making me sick.

Ever had someone after you? Ever KNOW that someone wants you dead?

I had to do something. I lost my job, friends didn't understand, and my life as I knew it was over.

I thought bip was bad, but this was worse.

They would want to kill me. I made up my mind that I was either convince them that I wasn't a threat, or die trying. So I did.

I came out of hiding went to where the head thug had breakfast, and him watched from afar.

I was scared as hell, but I had to do it.

I saw that he had a pack of Halls, so I faked a cough, loud enough for him to hear, and went over and asked for one.

He started hitting on me!

Wow! He didn't even recognize my face! He wanted to kill me, but didn't even know me!

We spoke for a couple hours, and I actually started to like him.

Would you believe that we started dating?

We'd laugh, wrestle and go shopping. I never revealed my identity....


This is the kind of sh*t I dream/ think on NO Seroquel and being HIGH on Thin Mints.

The fear was so real, I remember praying to make myself stop thinking about it. I had bip and now people want me dead? Does it ever freaking let up?

I tossed and turned, and tossed and turned and then made myself stand up, shake it off and realize that no one was after me.

Hey, last time, I dreamed that I was dating 50 Cent. He was Curtis to me. LOL.

Just take the pills, Butterfly; take the damn pills.

Headache

My head hurts badly.

So like a parent of a crying toddler, I must isolate the cause.

I'm not wet. LMBO!
I'm eating right now.
I'm not being pinched by an older sibling.

Hmmmm.

I do want to be held.

hmmmm.

I'm still sleepy. That's it.

I guess taking seroquel at 1am would do it.

Seems like I'm not going to work today.

Damn.

Bittersweet Time of Day

For me, the most bittersweet time of day is sunrise.

It's sweet because I'm grateful for yet another day to get it right; despite my issues.

Still, it's bitter because it marks another day of fighting "me"; another day of meds and frustration and acting.

It's 12:04am.

Just took my seroquel so sleep will be here soon, but I'm sad.

I want to be up and keep writing and maybe even do some work that will be a challenge to tackle in the office tomorrow.

Law & Order is in the background.
I feel sleep coming.
Fine, whatever.
I fold.

Take me, Mr. Sandman.

Committed

My fellow bips may feel me on this one.... or not.

I'm tired.

Not just the sleepy kinda tired, but the "I need a break" kinda tired.

Ever want or maybe thought about being committed just so you can get some damn rest?

I'm thinking about it.

3 square and snacks.
TV
Books
No phone
No demands.

Just left alone to get some much needed r & r.

Ahhhhh.

I hate alarm clocks.

Kiss Sleeping Beauty, Please

Will someone kiss me and wake me up, already?

Do it just like in the fairy tales, cuz I can't wake up.

Took 100mg of Seroquel as prescribed on Saturday night, and didn't wake up until 2pm SUNDAY!

And I'm still tired!

I'm bipolar 2.

I think that's the one that leads more toward depression.

Yea, that's me.

I don't feel like doing anything, wanna just stay in bed, and be left alone.

I did get up for work today,and made it in on time.

Yeah me!

True, that's an accomplishment, but kiss me anyway,