A Question

Who's hated more:
a. mentally ill
b. terrorist.

Yeah, exactly.

Me & Talk Radio

For a couple months I was a talk radio junky; mainly political talk.

I have great thoughts. In my head, I have amazing points. In high school I was a great debater and won impromptu and extemporaneous speaking competitions.

And then I call in, and my brain start speeding.

The result: a bunch of shit gobbley gook.

The call ends and I beat myself up for sounding like an arse on the air. My self -esteem drops, I go under the bed and I'm in a "I'm so stupid" funk.

Not being able to get my thoughts together is a stress, so no more talk radio for a while, I'm gonna stick to writing.

What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

I did it again.

I went on an interview this week.
They wanted to hire me.
I ignored all of the calls.

Didn't I just write about giving away my power?

I had a talk about integrity with my husband. I think I lack integrity. He thought I was being hard on myself. Maybe I hate confrontation. Why the heck do I care that people spent time interviewing me and I don't want to work for them?

Why can't I just say "I decided to accept another offer?"

Oh brother.

I guess when I can do better I will. I want to. I really do. I feel so dumb for ignoring my ringing phone.

Walking Through an Anxiety Attack

I have so much riding on my ability to get it together and to get right.

You're chest is not tightening, and you're not having an asthma attack, you're simply having an anxiety attack.

Breathe. Let's do everything in steps. Pause right now and finish your juice. Come back when they're finished.

Finished.

Ok. Put the cups in the sink with some water. Take the laptop upstairs with you and put your contacts in. Go.

Done.

11:15- Good. Dry your hair and wash your face with all the steps. Go.
11:38- Done.

11:39- Email your proposal to the owner of the studio.
12:24- Done.

12:25- Good. Email addendum with your brochure attached.
12:27- Done! I'm feeling good, but don't go yet.

12:28- Ok, wash off the mask, email the club manager, email designers/ MUA. Go!
12:37- DONE!

12:38- Pause. Go eat. Then send resumes while watch TV. Do this until 2pm. GO!
1:14- I cooked! I ate! I’m feeling great!

Operation Start Over No. 93863428109419...

My Day This Far:

4am: Awake? What the hell for?

5am: Turn on the radio. I might as well be entertained.

7am: Geez. Still Awake.

8am: Startled out of sleep by mother calling. Ignore. Feeling drugged.

10am: Come on Butterfly, we can face the world.

10:15: In the shower. I finally rinse out the conditioner out of my hair. As I shower, I get light-headed and need to sit. It's too hot, I'm too hot. I lay down in the tub and pass out for a bit. I come to and finish with my shower. I must have gone too long without a bath. I'm now allergic to it.

10:45: Out of the shower, headed to kitchen for orange juice, Emergen-C, some tea and to write this post.

And now it's 10:50am.

I gotta have a plan today other than getting back into bed or laying on the couch under the covers. A failure to plan is planning to fail, isn't it?

Well, my body is in anxiety attack mode because I dread going outside. Yes, the agoraphobia is back. How do I feel? Well, no one can judge me at home. People will see that my skin is blotchy, I wear wigs, I'm a little fat in the tummy and notice that I act weird; and so it's safe here.

Ok, here comes the other part of the brain:

No Butterfly, you're focusing on your fears - False Expectations Appearing Real. You are much stronger than you give credit for. Remember the book "What Would You Do if You Had No Fear?"

Yes, I do.

What would you do today if you had no fear?

Ok, I would:

1. Go to three places where I want to work and try to get an interview on the spot.
2. I'd pitch my proposal to the local studio and start my modeling classes there.
3. I'd follow through with planning next Tuesday event.

Ok, so what's stopping you?

What if I don't get an interview? What if you do?
What is the studio isn't interested? What if they are?
What if I can't find a designer and models in time? What if you can?

Ok, I get the point.

It's so cliche, but I'll say it cuz you need to hear it. "Nothing beats a try." I think you are so afraid of being accountable and then messing up that you've simply stopped trying or you try and flake at the end. You are letting your bipolar disorder win.

Come on. I'll help you. Drink your juice, dry your hair and get dressed. We're going to find money.

Ready?

Not really, but ok.

On 3: 1-2-3 Let's Go!

Time 11:01am.

Stay Tuned.

Tired of Starting Over

I know that I'm not a weirdo, but how can I be so OCD, but yet, have conditioner in my hair for 4+ days under a shower cap, under a wig cap?

Who does that?

How can I check and recheck the alarm system, but get exhausted with taking a shower?

I made so much progress with my face. My skin was amazing, radiant, clear. But the mushrooms are back. My face looks like shit because I haven't washed it since Thursday.

Until I cycled high this morning and washed the dishes, I had a bowl with nuclear waste sitting in the sink. But I am OCD.

I swear to God. I hate this shit. I hate that I'm not the me that I liked and enjoyed and was so productive, and fun and dependable, and pretty. I'm a busted shell of who I used to be.

I'm tired of starting over. Each day I wake up is another day that I start from scratch; not where I left off yesterday, but from scratch! I'm in a perpetual state of rebuilding, over and over, and over and over.

FUCK!

Just when I think I have a handle on this..... I'm not happy right now.

Psych Ward

Where've I been?

I was having a lot of problems concentrating last week at work.

I yelled at a staffer because the TV was loud and so was the radio. Everything was magnified, and the befuddled look on everyone else's faces let me know that it was my ears.

Then came the weekend. I had a severe bout of OCD anxiety on Saturday. I had to unplug everything in the house before I left because they would spark and start a fire. Also, I didn't want the electric bill to be higher because of "phantom energy".

I know. It's a smidge off now, but it made sense then.

Then came the hallucinations, itching, and agoraphobia. I was really bugging out and hubby made me go to the hospital.

I was in the psych ward.

So, they put me back on the Lexapro, but I didn't take the Seroquel. The result was a clear head, but severe mania.

I get it. Life has changed from what I knew it to be. It makes me sad to think if I am unable to do what truly makes me happy all the time, I may need meds to maintain consistent productivity.

I feel like when I was first diagnosed.

Just a Reminder

The PBS special on Depression airs tonight.

You can read more on NAMI's website. Check your local listings

I Get It

I've hear a lot about rapid cycling and mixed states.

I thought I knew what it was. I thought I experienced the mixed states thing. I was so wrong.

For today, I've been under the covers with my eye pillow on, chipper watching TV, back under the covers, awake making phone calls, and then under the covers on the couch.

WTF, is this?!

Ok, I get it. Bipolar has my attention.

Cable No Mo!

I did it!

I procrastinated very much yesterday, but I finally did it! I shut off my cable!

I'll most likely get Netflix in June or something, but for now, I'm actually feeling much more productive as I type.

Here's to an introspective and knowledge enhancing summer.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I mustered up the willpower to cancel the cable despite the strong pull to The Office, American Idol finale, and Blue Collar Comedy.

It's Gonna Be Genius!

I'm working on a ultra blog entitled "Theory of Relativity"; not like Albert Einstein.

(I tried researching his theory, and it sounds like gobbley gook. What the heck does it mean?)

Nopie, mine will go down in history be about interpersonal relations, and of course life as I see it.

The basic premise is that human understanding is relative to experience.

Want an example?

Ok, here's two:

* $1000 in the bank to some is GREAT, to others, it's reason for dread.

* Bipolar disorder is something to "shake" to some, for others it's life lived on a roller coaster.

Trust me, it's gonna be good :-)

What prompted it?

Well, the bipolar example came about after a conversation with my older sister last Sunday. She said that my brother's problems are rooted in his "lack of ambition and weed smoking."

When I tried to get her to understand that he has a REAL mental illness, she couldn't get it. I tried to use my experiences to help her get it, and her reply was as clueless and nonchalant as "Let them eat cake."

I love my sister, but much of her conversation was had with the bed (I put the phone down). Mental illness is not her reality. Her understanding of mental illness is relative to what she has seen and experienced.

Still, when I was in college, I had a girl tell me: "You're perfect. You'll never have anything to complain about? You're pretty, you're dating the star of the football team, you're thin, smart, you're perfect."

Isn't it ironic, that her words came during the time that I was in university mandated therapy?

I'm not gonna account the "pretty girl" blues. Rather, I want to ensure that I am more aware of how my reality is not THE reality. Still, there cannot be an absolute reality because everything is always relative to individual experience.

Oh, here's some good examples:

* A person who has always had the dream of a storybook wedding, can never understand people who elope;

* A person who needs to have a significant other can never understand people like Oprah who has a man, but chooses not to marry.

* Still, a woman who pines for a baby, can never understand those who chose not to have children.

I am so excited about writing that piece.

Anyway, I shut my cable off today, so Ill be writing A LOT!

Gratitude Moment: Thankful for moments of genius :-) in an at times cloudy brain.

I Do It, Too

One of the things that is very unnerving with my brother is that he talks to himself.

He is bipolar as well, but I've also heard terms like "schizo-affective" tossed around.

He talks to himself about anything and everything.

Witnessing it is unnerving, unable to make it stop is frustrating.

And then, someone at work told me "You're talking to yourself again", and it wasn't in the "oh-ha-ha-you're-talking-to-yourself" kinda way.

When I do talk to myself and people notice, I address it. I tell them that I talk to myself and I answer, too (people think it's cute to reply with the "as long as you don't answer" bullshit).

I'm doing it more, I think. I do it when I watch TV, in movies, drive. Maybe because I have less forced interaction with people.

It doesn't bother me; just an observation.

So, here's another question:Is admitting that you talk to yourself and comfortable telling others (me) better or more evolved/ self -aware than failing to admit (brother)?

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I have a home where I am comfortable being me.

A Question

Is it me or has there been A LOT of natural disasters lately?

Hate to be sound the "End is Near Horn", but it sure as heck seems like it.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I noticed the increase in natural disasters, and that I am not overly preoccupied with it.

11:49

Time for bed. Gonna tell you about my job tomorrow. Okay.

Me, Elmer & Little Hairs

Ok, so I read somewhere that if you put Elmers glue on your face and let it dry it'll get rid of all the pimple and blackheads and stuff.

So guess what I did?

I slathered Elmers glue ALL OVER MY FACE!

It felt good yet smelled like crap, but was weirdly fun.

I left it on, and um ... let's just say that taking it off was a B*TCH!

I so did not read the part about avoiding the eyebrows. It hurt like hell to take off! I had to wet my face to try to unglue the glue!

Then I discovered that I guess I have baby hair on my face, like peach fuzz, OMG, I'M A BEAR! OUCH!

Um, how about you don't put glue on your face. Just take my word for it.

That's my OCD in overdrive. I use a gazillion face products.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I got the glue out of my hairline.

TV-less Summer

I called Comcast today. I'm shutting the cable off at the end of this billing cycle!

Hooray! I am gonna force myself to read all those books and magazines.

Well actually, I want to spend the summer studying and sharing with hubby.

No TV this summer-o.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I'm not losing the cable because of money.

TV Bad

I censor my TV watching.

I don't watch TV shows that show poor marriages or cheating.

I guess I value my marriage a lot and I don't want to plant seeds of anything that could possibly have the potential to be an issue.

Interesting enough I judged my sister and her husband a couple years ago for having a filter on her TV that omitted curse words.

Hmmmm, funny how opinions change with marriage.

I Was Starving

When I first moved to New York, I was living with an aunt and uncle.

I love my uncle, but think the aunt is a ...well, begin the "say something nice challenge" now.

Anyway, during my first week in NYC, the magnetic strip on my debit card was, er, demagnetised. I couldn't get any money out of the ATM. I had a check, but couldn't get it cashed because I have it for 8 days and NYC law states that check must be cashed in 7 days.

I had no money, well, a couple dollars, but I saved it to ride the train for job interviews.

So, for 2 weeks I went to interviews I would buy 4 bananas in the morning; eat one for breakfast, 2 for lunch and then the last as a snack.

I was sooooo hungry.

I got the the house one evening, starving but drained and sad. I got online and got an AOL instant message from a man named "Composer4TV".

What did I have to lose? I told him I was starving; just seeking an opportunity to vent.

He told me to call him, and I did.

He prayed with me and I received a check in the mail the next day.

I was the hungriest I've ever been, and God sent an angel.

I've never met him.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful for strangers who do good for nothing.

I Give Away Power

So remember the job as the leasing consultant that I didn't show up for?

Well, I never called them either, and so I spent 3 days NOT answering my cell phone.

Why didn't I just call and tell them I couldn't take the job?

Instead I couldn't answer the cellphone that I pay for!

I gave up power! I've done this sooo much in my life. I must stop.

I found a bookmark at Women's Dermatologic Society called "Ways People Give Away Power". It lists the following as the 3 ways people give away power:

1. Assumes they are wrong (even when others disagree).
2. Don't Express Feelings (when angry or annoyed).
3. Forget the relationship when disagreeing (with personal attacks).
4. Overly concerned with being liked (and receiving approval).

It was interesting.

Gratitude Moment: I'm grateful for the Internet and for having a desire to change parts of me I don't like.

Gratitude Moments

I've been forgetting to add them to the end of my posts, so I'm gonna give you five of them.

I'm thankful for:

1. Unexpected state tax returns.
2. The ability to control the thermostat.
3. Choices of what to eat.
4. A husband that prays with and for me.
5. The ability to get a job.

Life seems less stressful when I focus on blessings.

I Wanna Stop Compensating

I hate that I alter the way I act because of the way people see me.

Although I may not always feel pretty, I am a pretty chick. I know that people see me as pretty, and I know that when I walk into a room I have a 50 -50 shot - love her or hate her.

People are either gonna give me a chance to be me, or they will automatically hate me and assume that I am a snooty bitch.

Why do I care? After 31 years, why the hell do I still care?

Sometimes, hubby stops me and says, "Honey, you're a beautiful woman. Women want to be you, men want to fuck have you." That's your lot. You're never gonna blend in or be average. Accept it."

Isn't he the greatest?

I love him. But it is true. I've been here before.

Anyway, I'm working on trying to care less about how people see me. It's that darn need to please disease. I got it bad. I want to be liked or at least I want to have a fair shot actually being responsible for the way people feel about me.

I forgot my point. This post came about because I started new job. There's chicks at the office, and I feel like I need to dumb down and ugly-down to have some peace.

Already I am the "know it all" who wants to wear open toed shoes. But do they really see me that way or is that my self -esteem and "need to be liked" issues that are preventing me from soaring as I know how?

Oh brother, this is a lot. Ok, ending this post.

Monday Laugh

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely?, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

Random Thoughts

1. I enjoy squishing the tip of my nose, and hubby's.

2. How long does it take cook a steak? 20 minutes, maybe? So why when I go to Applebee's do I expect my steak AND potatoes and vegetables in 10 minutes?
3. I like raspy voices. You know that "I-drink-coffee-and-smoke-cigarettes" voice. Yeah, I love that.

4. There's been several tornadoes lately. I saw one on TV and it looked like how satan might look, but it is a natural act allowed by God. Hmmm I said we could hide under the 2nd floor stairs if one came close.

5. I think the phrase "git-r-done" is sexy as hell.

6. People either love or hate pretty people, like me.

7. Lately I've been feeling like spiders are crawling on my face or maybe it's spiderwebs.

8. I think my new office has spirits so I'm gonna burn some incense and rub blessed oil on the walls.

9. I'm getting more and more comfortable with being bipolar.

10. Hubby and I have a daughter teddy bear named Jessica Mikaela.

Tagged!

Dreamwriter tagged me a long time ago, and I sooo didn't get it. I thought it was spam or something weird like when someone hacks into your blog and sends you pornos. LMBO!

Anyway, I started reading other blogs and saw Tori's tag, and it clicked - this is a game! DUH!

I'm still not sure I get it, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. So, I'll begin with:
Six Random Facts About Me:

1. I write backwards and have done so all my life.
2. I am super obsessed with NOT having flat feet.
3. I once took out one of my teeth (ouch).
4. I had Kerry Von Erich's baby ... ok, in a dream.
5. Sometimes I cut ants in half and watch them wiggle.
6. I once killed a lizard with contact solution and Lysol.

Did I ....Ooops, I did it again?

I had to blog really quickly. I'll be back later tonight.

I'm working, but I didn't take the job as a leasing consultant.

I just went to work, and they have a "No Open Toe Shoe" policy.

WTF!

It's 85 in Maryland today!

It's clear, oh so clear, I ain't supposed to be working for nobody! (Double negatives added for emphasis!)

Oooops, I DId it Again

Earlier today I was stressing about work, and had challenges calming down.

Well, know I'm breathing through my mouth. Yup, I am totally psychosomatic.

I'm in flannels, with Eucalyptus oil on my chest and neck. This SUCKS!

This must go away.

Who's Crazy Now?

We have a chemical imbalance, mental illness; all it what you want.

However when a man tries to cash a $360 Billion Check, now THAT'S CRAZY!

Moldy Mood

"People living in a moldy home may be more likely to suffer from depression... of 5,882 adults... those who lived in damp, moldy homes were more likely to report symptoms of depression, including sleep disturbances and lowered appetite or self-esteem."

Did you know about the link between mold and depression?

On a whim we had our carpets, air ducts, and furnace cleaned and sanitized this week. When we opened our furnace, it was covered in mold and mildew!

We've been breathing in cooties! Depression and insomnia -filled cooties!

I wanted to claw my skin off when I saw it!

"Clean it, Clean it, Make it go away! Butterfly No Likey!

My home had been invaded and I was itchy. I instantly wanted to bathe and scrub... hard! But they took care of it , and lemme tell ya, the difference in air quality before and after was AMAZING!

I won't lie: I paid attention to everything I did since the cleaning. Just checking to see if I "felt" different, you know.

What I did feel was clean. The house smells clean, and I feel like there less invisible cooties floating in the air. Read More Here.

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful for the junk advertisements that come to the house and offer discounted services on duct cleaning so I could be cootie-free.

Say What?

"You can't be alone if you like the person you're alone with."

Not sure where I heard it or read it, but I felt like it should resonate with me deep in my gut somewhere.

Hmmm. Ok, Butterfly, let's read it again: "You can't be alone if you like the person you're alone with."

If I liked me, I wouldn't feel alone when I AM alone?

Naw, I don't agree with that. Maybe it should be: "if I like me I won't feel lonely even when I am alone."

Does that make sense to you?

As I understand it, alone is when no other person is present; like in a forest or in a bathroom stall. Then lonely is the feeling that no one is interested in being present with you.

Alone is the state of being and lonely is the feeling about your being?

Gosh, I though this would be a light post. I guess not. On that note....

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful for my 10th grad English teacher that got me interested in words and their meanings.

I Wish....

...I could only eat once a week.

Well, that's not entirely true. Some days I wish I could ONLY eat for a living; Swedish fish to be exact. Oh, and red velvet cake, gummy anything.

Other days I wish that what I eat on Monday could last through the week.

I don't cook. It sucks (to me), and making something and that whole process of eating today was such a drag. With each laborious bite of mashed potatoes that I shoveled to my less than enthusiastic mouth, I wanted spit it out on the wall and make art. That actually was my thought.

Eating. It's so dumb. It would be easier to rather drink.

"No butterfly. Stop it"

You're right. There are people who can only eat via IV. Shame on me for whining about eating. At least I have food. At least I have money to buy food. At least I can consume food normally.

Damn. Ok, I get it.

Gratitude Moment: Tonight I'm thankful for the introspection that comes from blogging

No Longer Growing Mushrooms....

....ON MY FACE! Lol!

That' right. I'm proud to say that I have THOROUGHLY washed my face everyday and night for the last 7 DAYS!

It was my challenge, and I wanted to announce it, but I didn't want to hype it up and jinx myself. Naw, actually, I just wanted to not put too much pressure on myself.

I think it takes 14 days to make a habit, but 7 is an achievement, and I'M CELEBRATING!!!!!

I did eye makeup remover, complete cleaner, toner, moisturizer, zit cream, and get this blog world - I REMOVED MY CONTACTS!!!!

Who's the woman now! LMBO!

My skin looks great, it's amazing what washing it can do.

Have you all experienced this? Sometimes when I'm doing the rapid cycle thingy, I ignore basic tasks like washing my face, showers, brushing my teeth and deodorant. Thus, I have deodorant EVERYWHERE (car, purses, etc.)

Gratitude Moment: Thankful I gave myself the opportunity to see my clean beauty.

I Think...

...some people are just born to KISS ASS!

I can't stand it.
"Oh, yes, that's true."
"Absolutely, that's genius."
"Ah ha, ha, ha, too funny."

PASS VOMIT BAG PLEASE.

To Everyone with Lips Firmly Attached to a Rear End:
GET A LIFE!

Work Panic

Ok, so this is your warning:

WATCH WHAT YOU ASK FOR!

I asked for a job.
I wanted to work.
I got a job.
Now I don't want it.

I am petrified! I really am. I'm due to start on Monday as a leasing consultant which is totally new territory for me.

The title scares me.
The 9-5 day scares me.
The being told what to do scares me.
The having to do that annoying fake laugh scares me.

I'm only doing it to get active a bit and stop touching our savings, but I really don't want to show up!

Hubby says I'm having anxiety about new stuff. Yeah, yeah. I know that I should embrace it as an opportunity to do something new and learn something new.

But that's the thing: I don't like NEW! I don't like NEW people either. (My co-workers would always tease me about my inability to tolerate new-ness.(

Yeah, I know that new is good, but new is change, and I only want the change I want! (FOOT STOMP!)

There. I said!

I'm hoping hubby will give me permission to skip it. I doubt he will :-(

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful that I HAVE a job to turn down.

I'm Back ....Therapy Update

I am going to force myself to type because I know it's good for me. I have 15 posts to finish and by golly I'm gonna get through them tonight.

So here we go.

My therapy is going well. Hubby suggested that I see her twice a week!

She's great, really supportive, and more supportive-er than any therapist that I have ever had. She's tough with me, she gives me hugs and she is sensitive to my moods and lets me work them out in my own time.

Hubby spoke with my therapist 2 weeks ago. They shared their mutual appreciation and then I got on with my session.

Therapy should be a part of everyone's life; not, just in a crisis, but all the time. Therapy should be more routine than a gynie exam.

Good t-docs are out there. Find one. Keep one.

Gratitude Moment: So thankful for people who devote their life to helping us sort it out.

I Hear...

...writer's block is going around.

Well, I must have typer's block. I have several blogs in my head, just haven't been able to type them.

Haven't been ab;e to type comments on your blogs either.

Hmmm, at 1:07am, I'm not about to try. Having some paranoid moments.

I'll try again tomorrow.