I Wanna Stop Compensating

I hate that I alter the way I act because of the way people see me.

Although I may not always feel pretty, I am a pretty chick. I know that people see me as pretty, and I know that when I walk into a room I have a 50 -50 shot - love her or hate her.

People are either gonna give me a chance to be me, or they will automatically hate me and assume that I am a snooty bitch.

Why do I care? After 31 years, why the hell do I still care?

Sometimes, hubby stops me and says, "Honey, you're a beautiful woman. Women want to be you, men want to fuck have you." That's your lot. You're never gonna blend in or be average. Accept it."

Isn't he the greatest?

I love him. But it is true. I've been here before.

Anyway, I'm working on trying to care less about how people see me. It's that darn need to please disease. I got it bad. I want to be liked or at least I want to have a fair shot actually being responsible for the way people feel about me.

I forgot my point. This post came about because I started new job. There's chicks at the office, and I feel like I need to dumb down and ugly-down to have some peace.

Already I am the "know it all" who wants to wear open toed shoes. But do they really see me that way or is that my self -esteem and "need to be liked" issues that are preventing me from soaring as I know how?

Oh brother, this is a lot. Ok, ending this post.