My Day This Far:
4am: Awake? What the hell for?
5am: Turn on the radio. I might as well be entertained.
7am: Geez. Still Awake.
8am: Startled out of sleep by mother calling. Ignore. Feeling drugged.
10am: Come on Butterfly, we can face the world.
10:15: In the shower. I finally rinse out the conditioner out of my hair. As I shower, I get light-headed and need to sit. It's too hot, I'm too hot. I lay down in the tub and pass out for a bit. I come to and finish with my shower. I must have gone too long without a bath. I'm now allergic to it.
10:45: Out of the shower, headed to kitchen for orange juice, Emergen-C, some tea and to write this post.
And now it's 10:50am.
I gotta have a plan today other than getting back into bed or laying on the couch under the covers. A failure to plan is planning to fail, isn't it?
Well, my body is in anxiety attack mode because I dread going outside. Yes, the agoraphobia is back. How do I feel? Well, no one can judge me at home. People will see that my skin is blotchy, I wear wigs, I'm a little fat in the tummy and notice that I act weird; and so it's safe here.
Ok, here comes the other part of the brain:
No Butterfly, you're focusing on your fears - False Expectations Appearing Real. You are much stronger than you give credit for. Remember the book "What Would You Do if You Had No Fear?"
Yes, I do.
What would you do today if you had no fear?
Ok, I would:
1. Go to three places where I want to work and try to get an interview on the spot.
2. I'd pitch my proposal to the local studio and start my modeling classes there.
3. I'd follow through with planning next Tuesday event.
Ok, so what's stopping you?
What if I don't get an interview? What if you do?
What is the studio isn't interested? What if they are?
What if I can't find a designer and models in time? What if you can?
Ok, I get the point.
It's so cliche, but I'll say it cuz you need to hear it. "Nothing beats a try." I think you are so afraid of being accountable and then messing up that you've simply stopped trying or you try and flake at the end. You are letting your bipolar disorder win.
Come on. I'll help you. Drink your juice, dry your hair and get dressed. We're going to find money.
Ready?
Not really, but ok.
On 3: 1-2-3 Let's Go!
Time 11:01am.
Stay Tuned.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I like seeing how you talk yourself through these hard times. I think writing it down like this must be therapeutic for you. Sometimes i try to say things like that too myself but i don't feel like "trying" so hard. I'd just rather stay in bed all day and not try at all. (Like today).
You actually motivate me...
Yes. It's hard but that's how it's done...
Just a matter of staying at it 51% of the time.
Post a Comment