Thursday, June 26, 2008

Porcelin

I brought it on myself
Like covers on a thunderous night
I pulled this blight over my head
It felt good then
Comfortable
Safe and free

On the other side
By being comfortable I lost me.
And now I'm mad at the world
Disgusted with all I see
Numbing my pain with food
It tastes so good going down
Helps me to escape the right now
This fucked up menagerie
With not so exotic animals roaming free

But seeing it again feels so much better
Are you ready?
Ok, your turn
Pick a finger
Ha ha
But now I've gottn so much better
No assistance necessary from the pointer
Just a look in a mirror
Cuz I'm disgusted by the me I see

And away she goes
Throwing up the shame that no one knows
Flushing it down the drain
Bye bye to the hurt and pain
Bye bye to the guilt and shame
Did I really win this time?
Never to hurt again?
Nope, so break out the bread
The crab dip, the candy, and chips.
Feels so good going down
But who am I kidding.
I'll see you by the porcelin
Tonight middle finger is king
From the Mind of at
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6 comments:

JC said...

http://jenaspin.blogspot.
com/2008/06/courage.html

Take a listen...

June 26, 2008 at 4:55 PM
Amber Anique said...

OK, WE NEED 2 TALK LADY!!! THIS IS NOT GOOD & I AM WORRIED!!!!

June 26, 2008 at 11:59 PM
Amanda said...

One of the reasons why I appreciate the Internet so much, is that it has given me the opportunity to meet some truly beautiful souls.

(((((((((((Butterfly)))))))))))

June 30, 2008 at 4:48 AM
Sai Hijara - Ferraris said...

Sending you HUGE HUGS!!!

July 1, 2008 at 6:05 PM
ashmc2 said...

I feel your pain; it saddens me. I’m not your father so I won’t preach. (Scratch that) I can’t help myself so I will lay down my oration.

I don’t know what you see in that mirror of yours, but I’m guessing you need a new one. It is skewed and distorted; the carnival mirror of your wanting mind.

Quick story: I have a friend that has undiagnosed (other than by him and I) Bigarexia. It is the opposite of anorexia and bulimia. It is almost exclusively a male mental disorder. (I would love to have his body…and no not in that way!…and definitely not to the point that I am unhappy with myself. Yes, I did go on a diet because I wasn’t happy with the way I had let myself go, but I am happy with myself where I am now. I don’t have a six-pack, but I am at a healthy weight according the BMI. That is cool enough for me.) He sees himself as the guy at the beach that gets sand kicked in the face. He is very muscular yet he sees himself in a totally unreal and irrational light. He pushes himself to get bigger and bigger yet he still sees a boy’s body. His self-loathing is immense. He has dealt with this his whole adult life. He was a physical trainer at one point and competitive bodybuilder, yet he took steroids. He lost his family because he was so unhappy with himself and hasn’t seen his children in 20+ years. It is a sad story, yet in it reveals a finite truth. Until you love yourself, you will never truly know happiness. Don’t make the same mistake. He is a very miserable man.

Now I have a poem for you.

The finger; the hand: Yours to wield
It can used for good or ill
To comfort or kill
To give or steal
To hurt or heal
To eat or spill
Insensible or to feel
It is up to us to use it for good or ill
Up to our will
Will it and it will be

The mind: Yours to wield
To live or die
To laugh or cry
To scream or sigh
To be honest or lie
To crawl or fly
To disobey or comply
To confront or hide
To bottle up or confide
To languish or to enjoy live

It is all within our power. We can try to be an unrealistic a media perpetuated Barbie that isn’t even proportionately accurate for humans or we can be secure with ourselves. Healthy is all that matters. To aspire to a stereotype only brings misery and self-hate. Purging by finger or diuretics is unhealthy physically as well as mentally. No good can be derived from it. NONE.

Always remember, you don’t need to try to put yourself up on a pedestal; you’re already there Butterfly. To believe otherwise is to stay trapped in the cocoon. Fight the restraints of your inner chrysalis and spread your new wings, woman. Unleash your beauty on the world, like you have us. You truly have it in you and deep down I think you know it. You just need to remember the fact that it is so and then continue to believe.

We love you and will support you as you beat this. You are such a strong-willed woman; focus merely half of that inner fortitude on this disorder and you will be right as rain.

July 8, 2008 at 5:22 PM
Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you're in the club too. That poem was really good though.
I don't feel so alone tonight.
Hope whatever brought this on or back..passes soon.

~d of bpchicks

July 23, 2008 at 11:52 PM

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