I have a HUGE issue with punishing myself.
It affects every part of my life and manifests everywhere.
Some back story:
I am bipolar 2.
I also have what's called an eating disorder not otherwise classified. That means that I am not classified as anorexic or bulimic, despite having attributes of both. I see myself as fat, although I'm not (anorexic) and I binge and purge (bulimic). Where the unclassified part comes in is that my eating disorder isn't fueled entirely by a desire to be skinny, but by my OCD and obsession with being clean.
Yup, I have an extreme obsession with keeping my insides clean and cootie-free, so I take laxatives.
Ok, how does this tie into the title?
Well, when I'm stressed or frustrated, I eat junk and then feel like crap. So, because I feel like crap and knew that I shouldn't have binged, I punish myself with laxatives.
That's just the beginning.
I have many books to read. I've stopped buying them, but I feel bad for not reading so I punish myself by wanting to shut off the cable.
I didn't drink as much water as I wanted to, so I throw away the juice mix.
I spent a lot money on spas, colonics and acne treatments, and then I binge, so to punish myself for wasting money, and not appreciating the money spent, I place myself on a crash diet and extreme skin care regimens.
If I let the house get to messy, it means that I don't appreciate our home and then I must sleep on the floor (hubby HATES this).
If I miss a deadline, forget to do something, make a mistake, take a wrong turn, anything...I punish myself to teach me a lesson.
After all, when you're punished, you're supposed to learn, right?
Introducing my amazing husband.
Grattitude Moment: So grateful for my husband's wisdom.
See I Punish Myself Part 2
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Self-castigation is a huge issue in my life as well. What's worst, it's so embedded in my subconscious, it will automatically attract the opposite of what I want.
Post a Comment