Mixed Monday Share

I remember how I felt as my aunt described her frustration after being told that she should "pray her bipolar away".

At the time, I agreed that the imbalance had less to do with sin (actually nothing to do with sin at all), and more to do with basic human physiology.

I was angry at her pastor, and a year later, I, too would be on the receiving end of an ignorant pastor's mental illness prejudice.

So, why am I mixed today?

Last night I had chat with my bff, (lol) and was totally frustrated.

We have different diagnoses yet similar symptoms and manifestations.

Sometimes I forget that we are different. In general, I forget that EVERYONE is different from me. I expect people to act like me and to choose what I do and instantly get it because I'm always right. LOL (All the while not wanting people to be like me and to to do what I do; go figure).

Anyway,I am feeling great.
She's not.
I want to help, but can't because she doesn't believe what I believe.

We are in two different places physically, mentally, emotionally and physiologically.

There's no way for me to tell her how to get to my happy "here" without sounding like my aunt's pastor or without sounding judgmental.

I've felt like this for a while. Don't know what to do. I just accept that maybe I am not her messenger.

I've been off med, for at least 2.5 weeks, and I feel wonderful! I'm not measuring my moods according to mania or depression, but rather just human-ness.

I think clearly, sleep well, and am truly happy (especially since the nausea has subsided. YUK)

Then she said, "you could just be manic".

No, I'm not!

It didn't make me mad, but it did reveal something about my thought patterns for myself and other people.

I KNOW that I can heal myself. It's not a matter of "if", but "when".

In my life, I've seen limbs grow out.
I've been instantly healed of pain too many times to count.
I've healed myself.

Yes, there is a physiological dimension, but if a leg can be made longer, if people can be cured of cancer, can't I produce more serotonin?

This is not a mandate for everyone. I'm not advocating that everyone flush their meds down the toilet. I guess I'm saying that my meds were a poison to me. I don't EVER want to take them again, and I want to heal myself, and maybe I can help heal other people, too.

I've never looked to science for the end all be all result because I truly believe that science doesn't dictate the bottom line of my life. Here is where the concept of the Divine comes in (more on that later).

I am NOT my mind.
I am NOT a friggin diagnosis.
Living that way REALLY made me NUTS.

What am I?

I am a spirit that lives in a body and communicates with this world using my mind.

The world says I am manic when I am confused about how to communicate and relate to a world that's not my own.

The world says I'm manic when I'm eager to teach and do and learn, but I'm simply too fast for them.

Sidebar- I don't even believe in autism. I think people who are autistic are HIGHLY intelligent and communuicate at a higher level than regular humans.

But, I digress.

She then asked: "what are you gonna do when u have a very bad day & u realize that u can't control it w/o meds?"

My reply: "I am NEVER taking meds again!"

The only way I'll have another bad day is if I stop doing the work that got me to this point.

My way isn't for everyone, but it's called living life as Butterfly.

Grateful, for days outside the storm.

Cookie Monster

So, my sister had me get her an oatmeal cooconut cookie on Saturday.

I've never tried until then.

The plan was to bring two from my company's owner tomorrow.

Well, I had 3.
I ate 1, and I swear -all mental inllness aside- THE OTHER COOKIES CALLED ME.

They told me to eat another one. I SWEAR.

So, I have one left.
I can't take one cookie to him.
I'll get more tomorrow.

Thankful for a cookie that can make me smile.

Lighten Up!

I'm sure we've all heard about how a full moon can affect people with chemical imbalances in the brain (so much more friendly to say than than mental illness).

But, what about the effect of sunlight and warm weather?

I'm sure I could find a study that shows there are more people with unmanageable mental illness living up north, than in warm, tropical climates.

Its sunny in NYC today and was absolutely beautiful yesterday. It will be a wonderful 82 degrees by Wednesday, and I am so ready to carpe dium (seize the day)!

I think the sun fuels my mood. Really. I truly can't recall ever being sad in the summer. Last summer, I was doing GREAT even after being diagnosed in Feb 2006 and exiting the mother of all depressions and crappy relationships.

Hooray for the sun.

If you don't want yours, send it my way. I want to soak it all up.

Here's Sheryl with some amazing lyrics:
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

I'm gonna soak up the sun
Gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame

Yeeee-Hah!



Music is such a gift. I'm so thankful for people who share their music and how it inspires me.

So...

So, how is it going for me?

Well, pretty darn good.

I had another 19 emails come to my phone last night and only heard one chirp when I got up for me 3am pee! LMBO!!

Listen, I’m not saying that everyone should flush their meds down he toilet. However, I am saying that what I’m doing now, is working for me.

So what am I doing?

Well, I know it may keep changing, but here’s what I did this week:

Diet
Omega 3
B12
Lotsa fruit
Lotsa water with lemon
No candy
Prunes and peanut butter

Exercise
Walking to/from the train (maybe 5 blocks total)

Meds
None

To Sleep
20 minutes of meditation
20 minutes of positive thinking
Lavender oil on the pillow and eye pillow
Lavender in the oil burner
Meditation Music as I sleep
Prayer

Reading
My Bible
The Secret
Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About
Heal Your Life

Listen
Gospel
The Secret
Joel Olsteen
Meditation Music

I’m not holier than thou, just sharing what works for me.

So grateful for a clear mind.

Colorgenics is Bananas!

Here's what it said about me. The bold parts are VERY true.

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

The way things are at this time is causing you considerable stress and anxiety. Your friends and acquaintances consider you to be - to say the least - difficult and unapproachable. Now it is because of this that you need to find some sort of solution. By doing nothing and waiting for matters to right themselves will only make things worse, but don't rush into making hasty decisions - make haste slowly.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.

Thankful for self -reflection.