After 8 months, my insurance has finally been cancelled.
I've been coasting on it since leaving my job last October. Truth be told, it should have been cancelled then, but it wasn't.
Anyway, I've been looking at/for insurance lately...(because after a year of having this blog I finally "get it" that I need insurance.)
With looking for insurance comes looking for a job that offers insurance. Yeah, none of my GA-zillion jobs offers health insurance. Anyway, many of the jobs I'm looking at offers the basic health, dental, and life insurance, but a couple offered AD&D.
AD&D is Accidental Death & Dismemberment. Did you know that?
Anyway, my curiosity was triggered and found out that there is renter's insurance, landlord's insurance, travel insurance, travel health insurance, pet insurance and self -funded health care insurance .
There should be unemployment insurance for people with bipolar disorder;where a portion ofour earnings go toward days like this. But then again people without the disorder will simply call that savings.
Just sharing. Haven't found a job with insurance yet. Still looking.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Ascribed Meaning
I've always kept/ saved things; things that I then ascribe meaning to.
Like what?
1. An airplane toothpick from my first flight
2. The words to my 8th grade class song
3. My first belly button ring
4. 86+ stuffed animals (each with a name)
5. EVERY movie ticket
6. Newspapers from each birthday
I don't know why I keep them, but I do know that I HATE for them to be touched or to be lost. They become a part of me to the extent that it's hard to part with them.
So, I've been thinking about a tattoo a lot lately.
Why? It's permanent and the ultimate momento. Still, after 13 years of thinking about a tattoo, I've finally decided where I'd want it - my wrist.
The dilemma is now the what. What do I put?
I originally wanted to have the word "Selah". It's pretty and I love the meaning of it.
Then I thought about my husband's name. He is without a doubt the most significant person in my life. I'd place his name, but he won't let me. Yeah, a tattoo is very permanent. It's not like body jewelry; it's forever. Well, maybe that's what I want; it's something that will have meaning, and something that can never be taken away from me or lost in a hurricane.
You know what? This ascribed meaning stuff is probably about control.
Hmmmmm.
Each time I stop blogging, I soon learn how important it is for me.
Like what?
1. An airplane toothpick from my first flight
2. The words to my 8th grade class song
3. My first belly button ring
4. 86+ stuffed animals (each with a name)
5. EVERY movie ticket
6. Newspapers from each birthday
I don't know why I keep them, but I do know that I HATE for them to be touched or to be lost. They become a part of me to the extent that it's hard to part with them.
So, I've been thinking about a tattoo a lot lately.
Why? It's permanent and the ultimate momento. Still, after 13 years of thinking about a tattoo, I've finally decided where I'd want it - my wrist.
The dilemma is now the what. What do I put?
I originally wanted to have the word "Selah". It's pretty and I love the meaning of it.
Then I thought about my husband's name. He is without a doubt the most significant person in my life. I'd place his name, but he won't let me. Yeah, a tattoo is very permanent. It's not like body jewelry; it's forever. Well, maybe that's what I want; it's something that will have meaning, and something that can never be taken away from me or lost in a hurricane.
You know what? This ascribed meaning stuff is probably about control.
Hmmmmm.
Each time I stop blogging, I soon learn how important it is for me.
Who Am I?
I had a brief chat with my bff about identity.
The question was "who am I?" Well, not me, but her. But while we were on her, I figured I'd pose the question to me.
Who am me? LMBO!
I dunno. Real talk.
With the emergence of new "memories" (more on that later) during therapy, I have no damn clue who I am. The why is multifaceted.
One why is that I lived my early years in the spotlight - TV, radio, modeling, acting. The entertainment industry is a farce. The only way to be "in" is to accept that you will be lied to and you will be required to lie to others. Live a lie ling enough and you soon believe the lie. Yeah, that's me.
Another "why" is that after I left the entertainment industry I tried to prolong the lie; it didn't work.
I have no idea where I was going with this post.
Hmmmm, well, I'm trying to find me. If you run into her, please send her home :-)
The question was "who am I?" Well, not me, but her. But while we were on her, I figured I'd pose the question to me.
Who am me? LMBO!
I dunno. Real talk.
With the emergence of new "memories" (more on that later) during therapy, I have no damn clue who I am. The why is multifaceted.
One why is that I lived my early years in the spotlight - TV, radio, modeling, acting. The entertainment industry is a farce. The only way to be "in" is to accept that you will be lied to and you will be required to lie to others. Live a lie ling enough and you soon believe the lie. Yeah, that's me.
Another "why" is that after I left the entertainment industry I tried to prolong the lie; it didn't work.
I have no idea where I was going with this post.
Hmmmm, well, I'm trying to find me. If you run into her, please send her home :-)
Inner Gypsie
I've lived in several states in my life, and in several places within each state.
In 2006, my credit report listed 30 residences! Yeah, I know. As much as I would like to say that they are all due to my love of travel or to jobs, they're not. I have perfected "fight or flight". I runaway. When things aren't great where I am, I move, and keep moving.
So, lately, I've been thinking about moving again. Where to? I don't know. Not sure. If I stay in America I was thinking Tennessee or North Carolina. If International, Italy for sure.
Not making any sudden moves right now, but I'm ready for whenever - Uhaul is around the corner and my passport is still valid, too.
In 2006, my credit report listed 30 residences! Yeah, I know. As much as I would like to say that they are all due to my love of travel or to jobs, they're not. I have perfected "fight or flight". I runaway. When things aren't great where I am, I move, and keep moving.
So, lately, I've been thinking about moving again. Where to? I don't know. Not sure. If I stay in America I was thinking Tennessee or North Carolina. If International, Italy for sure.
Not making any sudden moves right now, but I'm ready for whenever - Uhaul is around the corner and my passport is still valid, too.
Getting Caught Up
What hasn't been happening?I've seemingly had a GA-zillion jobs. In the last week I was averaging 16 hour work days between 3 jobs - gym, virtual assistant and restaurant (more on that later).
With the gym, I am a consultant. I go in, assess their trouble areas, and implement policy to fix them. I'm amazingly efficient when my head is right.
Anyway, they have LOTS of problems with their employees' performance and accountability, so in addition to micromanaging their staff, I implemented corporate performance management as well.
The owners can be terribly frustrating at times because they are so inefficient, but they like me and are willing to allow me to have whatever schedule I want as long I stay with them. So we'll see.
Lies or DPD
So my t-doc mentioned wants to test me for DPD or Dissociative Personality Disorder aka multiple personality disorder.
Am I surprised?
Not at all. I kinda knew it. My choppy memory, invention of different people equipped with different names and signatures, losing blocks of time -yeah, I kinda suspected something was a bit weird for a while.
My memory blocks are not like the blackout after being pissy drunk. I forget people, situations, periods of my life. T-doc says that it is a coping mechanism, and that I clearly block out things I rather not recall, but her concern is on the different names and signatures.
So what now?
We're gonna try hypnotherapy. Although I am a bit afraid of what I may discover about me and things I've done, I really want to know if there is more to me and my life. I'll keep you posted on this too, ok.
Am I surprised?
Not at all. I kinda knew it. My choppy memory, invention of different people equipped with different names and signatures, losing blocks of time -yeah, I kinda suspected something was a bit weird for a while.
My memory blocks are not like the blackout after being pissy drunk. I forget people, situations, periods of my life. T-doc says that it is a coping mechanism, and that I clearly block out things I rather not recall, but her concern is on the different names and signatures.
So what now?
We're gonna try hypnotherapy. Although I am a bit afraid of what I may discover about me and things I've done, I really want to know if there is more to me and my life. I'll keep you posted on this too, ok.
Selling Me Out
I've been thinking about awareness, cash, work, life, coping, etc, and then I read a blog piece that Lil Kim and Foxy Brown were each given an advance to write a book that they did not deliver.
Then it hit me - I need a book deal!
Not only will the advance take care of bills, but it will also allow me to be at home (in an environment conducive to my professional success). I'll have an opportunity to raise awareness and to educate as well.
So what's my angle, what'll be my selling point? Hmmmm, not sure, but maybe I'll pitch the real face of mental illness. Hmm, gonna start by writing Oprah along with Amber and then write a couple pitch letters to publishers.
I'll keep you posted.
Can't wait to be on Oprah, the View and signing my book at Barnes & Noble!
Then it hit me - I need a book deal!
Not only will the advance take care of bills, but it will also allow me to be at home (in an environment conducive to my professional success). I'll have an opportunity to raise awareness and to educate as well.
So what's my angle, what'll be my selling point? Hmmmm, not sure, but maybe I'll pitch the real face of mental illness. Hmm, gonna start by writing Oprah along with Amber and then write a couple pitch letters to publishers.
I'll keep you posted.
Can't wait to be on Oprah, the View and signing my book at Barnes & Noble!
New Past Time
My new past time has been peeling my fingers.
Yes, I know it's totally gross.
In the last 2 weeks, I've developed some strange disorder that causes my fingers to peel; not the palms, just the fingers. I can peel the skin off my fingers from tip to base like a banana.
I peel them off and actually enjoy it, but you know it was only a matter of time before OCD stepped in. Yup, my tweezer has become my best friend as I -with the precision of a surgeon- peel off layer and layer of skin.
How gross. This is my life.
UPDATE
I found out that the "disorder" is caused by stress. Go figure. Anyway, I bought some Eucerin and it's helping a lot.
Yes, I know it's totally gross.
In the last 2 weeks, I've developed some strange disorder that causes my fingers to peel; not the palms, just the fingers. I can peel the skin off my fingers from tip to base like a banana.
I peel them off and actually enjoy it, but you know it was only a matter of time before OCD stepped in. Yup, my tweezer has become my best friend as I -with the precision of a surgeon- peel off layer and layer of skin.
How gross. This is my life.
UPDATE
I found out that the "disorder" is caused by stress. Go figure. Anyway, I bought some Eucerin and it's helping a lot.
Anesthesia
Writing requires thinking, and lately I've really been trying really hard NOT to think.
Thinking causes hurt and shame. Thinking dredges up that which I don't wanna talk about anyway. Just seems that lately it was easier not think or be numb.
I've been using food to prevent thought. I've been eating cheesecake, wings, Swedish fish and whatever else I can get my hands on. I focus on the food so I don't have to focus on my life. I'm not very happy with the way things are right now, and its a challenge to chuckle through pain, smile in the midst of fear and press on despite overwhelming fatigue.
It's tough and I'm tired and its easier to put all the things that bother me out of my head, and numb myself.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Wow.
It's been a month...just about.
Wow.
What hasn't happened?
Instead of trying to account for everything that has occurred all in one post, I'll break it up, of course. Don't wanna bore you.
But I'm ok. I did have a lot of challenges with all my stuff - agoraphobia, eating disorders, bipolar, panic attacks. Yes, it's been a challenging month.
The biggest sadness came from Dobro. I wasn't expecting her passing to affect me like it did, but I couldn't shake it.
What's so great about blogging ins that you're able to form support systems behind the front page. Dobro was one support for me.
I love you all. I'm back.
RIP Dobro
Wow.
What hasn't happened?
Instead of trying to account for everything that has occurred all in one post, I'll break it up, of course. Don't wanna bore you.
But I'm ok. I did have a lot of challenges with all my stuff - agoraphobia, eating disorders, bipolar, panic attacks. Yes, it's been a challenging month.
The biggest sadness came from Dobro. I wasn't expecting her passing to affect me like it did, but I couldn't shake it.
What's so great about blogging ins that you're able to form support systems behind the front page. Dobro was one support for me.
I love you all. I'm back.
RIP Dobro
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