I brought it on myself
Like covers on a thunderous night
I pulled this blight over my head
It felt good then
Comfortable
Safe and free
On the other side
By being comfortable I lost me.
And now I'm mad at the world
Disgusted with all I see
Numbing my pain with food
It tastes so good going down
Helps me to escape the right now
This fucked up menagerie
With not so exotic animals roaming free
But seeing it again feels so much better
Are you ready?
Ok, your turn
Pick a finger
Ha ha
But now I've gottn so much better
No assistance necessary from the pointer
Just a look in a mirror
Cuz I'm disgusted by the me I see
And away she goes
Throwing up the shame that no one knows
Flushing it down the drain
Bye bye to the hurt and pain
Bye bye to the guilt and shame
Did I really win this time?
Never to hurt again?
Nope, so break out the bread
The crab dip, the candy, and chips.
Feels so good going down
But who am I kidding.
I'll see you by the porcelin
Tonight middle finger is king
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Hello?
God when do you show up?
Right before I take razor to wrist?
Right after I swallow the pills
Or take the last numbing sip?
When do you come in like superman
Save the day
My picture is on the front page
Of course I'll sign that for you
You're too kind
Thank you
Returning to the clutter in my mind
Retreating to the gloom of the day
I learn to accept this reality
Unscripted, unedited
No makeup person
Stylist
Pin on mics
No assistant
No special food
Just me
Overwhelmed
Fatigued
God, I'm drowning
You see me
You hear me
So why aren't you helping?
Right before I take razor to wrist?
Right after I swallow the pills
Or take the last numbing sip?
When do you come in like superman
Save the day
My picture is on the front page
Of course I'll sign that for you
You're too kind
Thank you
Returning to the clutter in my mind
Retreating to the gloom of the day
I learn to accept this reality
Unscripted, unedited
No makeup person
Stylist
Pin on mics
No assistant
No special food
Just me
Overwhelmed
Fatigued
God, I'm drowning
You see me
You hear me
So why aren't you helping?
My Own Best Friend
I used to be my own best friend
And than she started acting weird
Now a distorted figure
Looks at me from the mirror
I no longer see her beauty, her charm
Just an unhappy confused girl
Nothing in the mind
Nothing in the middle
I don't recognize her
Would you believe
Like billy jean
She was a beauty queen?
Strutting on catwalks
In movie scenes?
Now this hollowed casing of a human being
Lives in a constant state of second guessing
Perpetual state of fight.
What happened to her?
She used to be....
Used to be thin
Used to be pretty
Used to intelligent
Used to be fearless
Used to be
Was
Has been
She's too sad to hang with me
Now without her
I am lonely
She used to be my best friend.
And than she started acting weird
Now a distorted figure
Looks at me from the mirror
I no longer see her beauty, her charm
Just an unhappy confused girl
Nothing in the mind
Nothing in the middle
I don't recognize her
Would you believe
Like billy jean
She was a beauty queen?
Strutting on catwalks
In movie scenes?
Now this hollowed casing of a human being
Lives in a constant state of second guessing
Perpetual state of fight.
What happened to her?
She used to be....
Used to be thin
Used to be pretty
Used to intelligent
Used to be fearless
Used to be
Was
Has been
She's too sad to hang with me
Now without her
I am lonely
She used to be my best friend.
22 Years
22 years I have served you
Called on your name
From the age of 9 I knew you
June 24, 1986
That's the day my life changed
22 years
To have my fears overtake me now?
Prayers seemingly falling on deaf ears.
I feel like david
Begging for deliverance
Begging for an out
Pleading for help
If I'm weak to pray it
Then so be it
Then give me strength
But I am wary, oh God
And so I pray:
Please pass this cup before me.
Called on your name
From the age of 9 I knew you
June 24, 1986
That's the day my life changed
22 years
To have my fears overtake me now?
Prayers seemingly falling on deaf ears.
I feel like david
Begging for deliverance
Begging for an out
Pleading for help
If I'm weak to pray it
Then so be it
Then give me strength
But I am wary, oh God
And so I pray:
Please pass this cup before me.
Oh God
Oh God
Why have you allowed me to sink
To this state of being?
My former me
Merely
A figment of a sketchy imagination
A mind wrought with chaos and uncertainty.
For what end
Am I a skeleton of yesteryear?
Living in what was
Making love to memories
Who I am
Disgusts me.
Reduction to the lowest common denominator
Yet possessing the will to fight
Is an equation of insanity
How can a plate of wrong when eaten
Taste right?
You're far off from me, God
At least you seem to be
I talk to you everyday
Begging, pleading, for an opportunity
To see
A glimpse
Of a happy me.
Why so downcast oh my soul?
Because my hope in God
Has left me wary.
So with only residual energy to lift my head
I moan a tearfilled help me.
Why have you allowed me to sink
To this state of being?
My former me
Merely
A figment of a sketchy imagination
A mind wrought with chaos and uncertainty.
For what end
Am I a skeleton of yesteryear?
Living in what was
Making love to memories
Who I am
Disgusts me.
Reduction to the lowest common denominator
Yet possessing the will to fight
Is an equation of insanity
How can a plate of wrong when eaten
Taste right?
You're far off from me, God
At least you seem to be
I talk to you everyday
Begging, pleading, for an opportunity
To see
A glimpse
Of a happy me.
Why so downcast oh my soul?
Because my hope in God
Has left me wary.
So with only residual energy to lift my head
I moan a tearfilled help me.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
They're Not Gonna Kill Me
Remember my torn esophagus?
Well, it's stress related. I bet you couldn't see that coming.
Apparently, when I stress, I get acid reflux. The acid burns my already weak throat.
Huh, what? You didn't know I Was stressed?
Oh yes. That's why I am about to go in and QUIT!
Well, it's stress related. I bet you couldn't see that coming.
Apparently, when I stress, I get acid reflux. The acid burns my already weak throat.
Huh, what? You didn't know I Was stressed?
Oh yes. That's why I am about to go in and QUIT!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Thunder Scares Me
Recently the heat wave in the DC metro area birthed perfect conditions for thunderstorms and of course those wretched tornadoes. Maybe nature misunderstood.
I enjoy sleeping to RAIN, not THUNDER and LIGHTENING!
Power was knocked out a couple times, and I was VERY SCARED. I even contemplated sleeping under the stairs leading to the basement. Spine shaking thunder and crackling lightening really scare me; no really, they scare me.
My sister mentioned that she may have PTSD from experiencing hurricanes as kids. I think it's very possible that I have it, too. My fear of thunder/ lightening is really on another scale. And the thought of a tornado gives me IBS. In fact, the IBS/heartburn/ esophagus pain is back and it started around last Thursday when we were under tornado watch quite a bit.
I still remember the sound of an earthquake as a child. (Yes, there is a sound. It's kinda like a train whistle. Very eerie.) Anyway, I am very unnerved by natural disasters that are impossible to anticipate.
Hmmmmm, makes me see the need for therapy after natural disasters.
Can you imagine the fear in the hearts of people that lived through the tsunami, Katrina, and the billion tornadoes this season?
What On Earth Did I Do!?!?!?
Ok, um.
Last night I placed a glass of iced tea on the night stand. My plan was to drink it throughout the night .... you know, if I got too hot.
So, WHY ON EARTH is my cocoa butter container filled with iced tea?!?!?
I was so grossed out and alarmed, and was about to get paranoid and think that a homeless Japanese woman was living in my closet, but then I remembered - at one point, I started drinking the iced tea, but then I thought I felt something touch my lip, so I spit it out, but I thought I spit it into the glass!
I actually spit it into my cocoa butter.
I swear, I should get paid for being so special. Pun intended.
Last night I placed a glass of iced tea on the night stand. My plan was to drink it throughout the night .... you know, if I got too hot.
So, WHY ON EARTH is my cocoa butter container filled with iced tea?!?!?
I was so grossed out and alarmed, and was about to get paranoid and think that a homeless Japanese woman was living in my closet, but then I remembered - at one point, I started drinking the iced tea, but then I thought I felt something touch my lip, so I spit it out, but I thought I spit it into the glass!
I actually spit it into my cocoa butter.
I swear, I should get paid for being so special. Pun intended.
I've Been Cooking
Ok, now a lighter post. I think I've gotten all my angst out of my system.
So, I used to have trouble cooking meat; you know, chicken, beef, fish...animals.
I would make really weird food concoctions like - hotdogs with rice and green beans. The meal looks so ugly. Who wants to eat this tastless crap?
But I learned how to make salmon and rice, and have been eating it everyday for um... the last 2 months! This pic is of rice pilaf,and salmon on a bed of baby spinach! The thing on top of the salmon is a cherry preserve that I learned how to make!
My food actually tastes good! I save money and I feel kinda womanly and stuff...NOT!
So, I used to have trouble cooking meat; you know, chicken, beef, fish...animals.
I would make really weird food concoctions like - hotdogs with rice and green beans. The meal looks so ugly. Who wants to eat this tastless crap?
But I learned how to make salmon and rice, and have been eating it everyday for um... the last 2 months! This pic is of rice pilaf,and salmon on a bed of baby spinach! The thing on top of the salmon is a cherry preserve that I learned how to make!
My food actually tastes good! I save money and I feel kinda womanly and stuff...NOT!
Damn Knockers
Who knocks on random doors?In the last 2 weeks, I've had 5, count em, 1-2-3-4-5 random people KNOCK on my door; and then, RING the bell!
Who were they?
I don't know. I never answer the door. I hate surprises. Random knocks and bell ringing disturbs my peace and makes me paranoid. I don't know anyone in this town, so I ain't expecting no visitors!
So guess what?
One guy did leave a biz card about cutting my grass. So why was he knocking? Was he going to sell me on his grass cutting skills? Was there really something to discuss about grass cuttery?
Who KNOCKS on random doors to talk about grass?
Then I need to take 30 minutes to calm down from their intrusion.
Its true....
Bitches win; at least in the short term.
Yeah, yeah, the whole karma thing won't happen if you're not a good little girl today, but imagine the satisfaction in the moment when you see a face change to horror and shock after you say, "shut the fuck up."
How do I work?
Everyone, everywhere is dumber than I am, but I must work for and under them!?
How the hell does that make sense?
I'm 30 how do I learn to work with STUPID people NOW? Isn't it too late for me?
Is it the personalities that I'm not good with? What am I doing?
On one hand I want to work for myself, but I fear accountability because when I don't feel like working, I don't want to work. So there is security in a job, but damn must I always be around morons and assholes? Why must I work with them?
Who is them, you ask?
Them are the bookkeepers who act like they're Harvard grad CPA's! Hell you don't even do payroll on a muthafreaking spreadsheet, you do it by hand! WTF is that shit?!
Your job ain't that great. You're only still here because you're the only ass willing to work for $8/hour! And that bullshit about you being here on an assignment from God, yeah, that's bullshit, too. You just a skill-less bucktooth bitch!
Suck on deez!
Sorry, for the curses, just purging this out of my system.
UPDATE:I'm not even 30. I'm 31!
Yeah, yeah, the whole karma thing won't happen if you're not a good little girl today, but imagine the satisfaction in the moment when you see a face change to horror and shock after you say, "shut the fuck up."
How do I work?
Everyone, everywhere is dumber than I am, but I must work for and under them!?
How the hell does that make sense?
I'm 30 how do I learn to work with STUPID people NOW? Isn't it too late for me?
Is it the personalities that I'm not good with? What am I doing?
On one hand I want to work for myself, but I fear accountability because when I don't feel like working, I don't want to work. So there is security in a job, but damn must I always be around morons and assholes? Why must I work with them?
Who is them, you ask?
Them are the bookkeepers who act like they're Harvard grad CPA's! Hell you don't even do payroll on a muthafreaking spreadsheet, you do it by hand! WTF is that shit?!
Your job ain't that great. You're only still here because you're the only ass willing to work for $8/hour! And that bullshit about you being here on an assignment from God, yeah, that's bullshit, too. You just a skill-less bucktooth bitch!
Suck on deez!
Sorry, for the curses, just purging this out of my system.
UPDATE:I'm not even 30. I'm 31!
Lately....
I can't stand my smell. The scent of me, natural aroma, whatever, I hate it, so I'm bathing all the time, which makes my skin peel.
So, I'm only wearing pants cuz my legs are peeling like a snake.
OCD overdrive, yeah.
But the smell doesn't go away.
I walk into the house and I smell feet. Not "oh-my-goodness-put-those-shoes-outside" feet, but just "in-here-smells-feet-y" feet.
So I burn nag champa incense, spray cushions with an apple cinnamon spray, burn apple cinnamon oil, place Hawaiian breeze plug ins in each outlet, and boil vanilla extract in water.
I don't get too close to people because if I can smell me, surely they can; which make me not want to go outside.
Just sharing.
So, I'm only wearing pants cuz my legs are peeling like a snake.
OCD overdrive, yeah.
But the smell doesn't go away.
I walk into the house and I smell feet. Not "oh-my-goodness-put-those-shoes-outside" feet, but just "in-here-smells-feet-y" feet.
So I burn nag champa incense, spray cushions with an apple cinnamon spray, burn apple cinnamon oil, place Hawaiian breeze plug ins in each outlet, and boil vanilla extract in water.
I don't get too close to people because if I can smell me, surely they can; which make me not want to go outside.
Just sharing.
Monday, June 9, 2008
I'll be back
Not taking a break, and not devoid of thoughts, just trying to get the brain to play nice with the typing fingers.
I'm gonna try hard tomorrow.
I'm gonna try hard tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
