I Tell, YOU!

I hate being told what to do.

Today my GM sends me an email that outlines what he wants my May priority to be.

Who the hell is he to tell me what to do?

I make my own rules!
I play my own game!
I only take orders from the owner.

He just hates that he can't control me. I try to let him in a bit, and then he tries to pull this shit.

I know what his game plan is: to give me assignments and when they're not done, to build a case that my position isn't needed.

Why wouldn't they be done?
Cuz I'm busy doing more serious shit!

I don't want to go back to February and early March, but if he pushes me, I'll be bringing him chocolate cupcakes made with EXLAX!!!!

- Stress =

Minus Stress equals?

What are my stresses?

- Money. (I wouldn't work if I had more of it. If they are honest most people would agree.)

- Health (I need "in case shit happens" aka insurance but then this could be traced back to money because if I had lots of it, I wouldn't need a job. I'd pay for my insurance out right and get the best health care?

- Making a difference in the world. (Naw, back to money. Cuz I would be able to take my time and do what I want because I would need to work.)

So it's money?

Money is my stress?

The reason I can't sleep is because of money?

The reason I'm angry, lash out etc, is because of money?

I'm not saying that I would never have another bip symptom, but if I take away the stress, I'm not the type to find something else to stress about.

So, problem solved.

In the words of Lil Kim: F*ck b*tches, Get Money. LMBO

Ctrl Alt Delete

Yup. I'm rebooting.

I'm not getting to the "sights" I want, and so I am simply starting my applications over.

How I see it, once I've reloaded my page several times, the writings on the wall - either my connection is malfunctioning or it's my hard drive.

I think it was Albert Einstein who said the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

Like duh.

I'm not insane.

Here are my discoveries:

I tried the meds. At this point, they're doing more harm than good, so I'm off. For me to keep taking them and expecting to feel better, is insane.

I also discovered that I'm old fashioned. I want to cook, clean and be taken care of, but in today's feminist superwoman of the 21st century world, saying this sounds unambitious and lazy. So, of course I've been in denial about what I really want, and have routinely picked guys who can't do or are unwilling to do the above.

So, now it's out in the open. If I'm not honest about what I want, how am I supposed to get it?

To keep picking guys that need mothers and expecting them to turn into men that want to take care of me, is insane.

Another truth: certain people, places, songs, and things bring me down. They're like Spyware; they do nothing to improve my modem speed or mood. So they must be deleted or put in a folder until I feel like dealing with them.

For me to keep listening to the same depressing shit over and over and expect joy, is insane.

Not sure where I was going with this. I guess I am taking responsibility for my life and want everyone to do the same.

Day 2

Nausea still here.
Woke up at 6am to eat a plum and apple.
Lemon water helps.
Yogurt stayed down.
Need to eat several mini meals to deal.

Weak as hell, but my head works!
No depression. No mania!
Yahoo for me!

Swan

I've been watching the Swan; you know, the reality tv show that's all cosmetic surgery. (Oh they also do therapy and weight training.)

Well, I realized that I haven't been taking good care of myself regularly.

I only get dressed for work or an event.
Makeup also only for work, and event or if a guy is visiting. :-p

Showers? What showers? I only do it for work, and even then it's like pulling teeth.

I need to wash my hair...Hey Ash, TMI ALERT..I need to shave, and basically become a Swan instead of the ugly duckling fug ball that I've become. I'm sure being dirty and ugly and blah contributes to my mood, too.

So, this week:
- Showers (and I'm gonna like it)
- Makeup every day (I don't need it, but I feel pretty and "done".)
- Nice outfits
- Perfume
- I'm even gonna wear sandals!

Yup. I'm gonna put a pedicured foot forward this week.

I'm also gonna do something fun for me. No food, but like a movie or something.

Wish me luck!