Enough

I’m so drained.

When is enough, enough?

Do you ever get sick and tired of being sick and tired?

It’s important to note that this isn’t a whiny rant. I know that the only reason I feel this sh*tty is because I’ve been off the Lexapro. Trust me, I will be certain to hunt my p-doc down tomorrow, or there will be NO PEACE in the world.

Apart from not being able to focus, I feel great.

So what prompted this post?

Vicious Cycles.

I’ve noticed that I’ve done the same thing over and over or have engaged in the same type of destructive behavior repeatedly, and I’m trying to end it.

Am I callous for being frustrated when everyone doesn’t pause to pay attention to their issues and cycles?

I give you a pass until 21, and then I expect you to fix your sh*t or at least have a desire to fix your sh*t. Maybe that’s my elitist, perfectionist, judgmental side talking. For example, hooray for me that I noticed that I was the one causing problems at all my jobs, and I chose to SMASH the cycle by changing my perspective on how I interact with my bosses.

My last 4 jobs ended by me being "certain" that my GM was out to get me. A couple of those ended in court cases.

You see?

Cycles. I’m trying to detect and fix mine.

Why won’t everyone pause, notice the routine, cyclical sh*t that they do, and change it?

Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah... I know, people are on different stages of their evolution. Well, I am all for making changes in my life for the better. I’m all for trimming the fat, making the changes and ending all this up and down bullsh*t.

I’ve cut people off with no regrets. Why should I regret not being friends with someone who is a self –absorbed arsehole?

Why should I be near anyone who brings me grief whether they know it or not?

Wait, do I have a responsibility to tell people why they're cut off? Cuz I really don't care to.

I justify it by saying that people grow apart. I grow apart from people. They were in my life for a reason or season. It’s not my responsibility to keep them around with all their dysfunction because they were nice to me once.

Still it's not my responsibility to keep them around after they fulfilled their purpose. Yes purpose; ever hear of friendships of utility? Especially with chicks; their feelings get hurt because they chose to ignore my disclaimer -"Butterfly subject to change at any moment without notice or apology".

Callous?

Maybe, but so what. I expect people to treat me the same way. I stopped putting my trust in people a long time ago. I trust people to be people which means they will do whatever they want to do whenever they want to do it when they feel it suits them best.

And that’s ok. Wanna know why?

Cuz I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want to do when I want to do it with no regrets.

Anyway, here’s some sh*t I want to fix:

- Why do I start and then destroy friendships with chicks?
- Why do blow throw money so quickly with nothing to show for it?
- Why do I strategically permit my anger to flare?
- Why do I wreck my own sh*t?
- Why do I attract married men?

The last one is a big one for me. I swear there is a sign on my forehead that reads “Married Men Welcome.” It irks my nerves. I want to scrub the sign off my head with a brillo pad!

I swear, if there is an unhappy married man within a 5 mile radius of me, he’s gonna find me and feed me his muthaf*ckin sob story. In the past I entertained it; you know, everyone needs someone to talk to, someone to vent to. Well, guess what? Your vent buddy, doesn’t have to be me! CALL DR. PHIL with your trifling arse!

I’m all about ridding my world of people that need not be in it.

Like who you ask?

- Married men
- Whiny and needy arse chicks
- Parasitic morons who want to use me as a stepping stone to fame.
- People stuck in the past.
- Jackarse men that sap my energy and creativity.

You get it?

Enough is enough for me?

I’m taking responsibility for my own sh*t. I have no time to deal with the world's.