(Wo)Man in the Mirror

So, you now know that I was a sick kid with bad legs.

Ok, now add skinny to the mix.

I know what you're thinking: skinny isn't that bad.

Were YOU the "skinny kid"?

Unless you were, you have NO idea what it's like, and how it can affect you.

In addition to being teased for my skin, I was teased for being skinny.

I was called "olive oil", "tooth pick", "anorexic", "sicko", etc. When A.I.D.S. surfaced, I was teased about having A.I.D.S.

Yup. Imagine how I felt. Imagine being accused of having A.I.D.S. in front of other kids; in front of a boy!

I was hurt daily, but I hid it. I wasn't a whiner. I think I lashed out at home.

Anyway, as I matured, skinny was OUT; T&A IN. So, I'm sorey, skinny, AND no boys want to talk to me? What a fuckin adolescence!

Fast forward to college. I enter at 99lbs. Perfect for modeling, which I was able to do a lot of, but the ball players want chicks with big booties. So, I see a nutritionist, and go on a 6 FULL meal a day diet to gain weight. I squatted 150lbs and pressed up to 200lbs to "grow" a booty. All it did was speed my metabolism, kept me "skinny" and had me wishing I weren't me.

I'm 118lbs now and still not happy.


I attended a model casting today and realized that I have residual body issues. They're not as severe as anorexia or Body Dysmorphic Disorder, but I certainly see how people get there.

I walked into the casting and instantly starting picking myself apart.

"Butterfly, you need to lose weight."
"You need to be in the gym."
"Leave those Swedish Fish alone."
"You're gonna start drinking water tonight."
"Well, I don't wanna lose too much."
"Your skin looks like shit."
"You're gonna have to lose the boobs?"
"Guys don't like skinny."
"Skinny will get you paid."

Then without warning, I take the sour grapes approach and start picking everyone else apart.

"You're the only one that can walk."
"You're a professional, you have nothing to prove."
"You have the best legs."
"Eeeu, look at their toes. You have nice feet."
"If I'm not chosen its because they wanted video hoes, not models."

I do this all day every day and it's exhausting.

Anyone who's better than me must be stripped of their crown, and it given to me. (See I AM THE GREATEST.)

I've gotta stop this.

I've had an eating disorder; lots of binging, purging with enemas/ laxatives. I wasn't doing it to be skinny, per se, but rather to get rid of toxins. (Or that's what I told myself.)

Hmmm.

The point is that after being lauded as an amazing runway model (skinny high fashion look) and as an amazing pin up (big boobs, butt, small waist), Butterfly STILL isn't comfortable in her skin.

I don't know how I want my body to be because a large part of me is moved by what I see and what is "good to be" at the moment.

How the hell do I fix this?

Was there a section in The Secret about this? lol

Grateful for being able to see my flaws and have a desire to fix them.