Sleep, where are you?

I haven't been sleeping. Well, I have, but not the good, ooo weee, that feels so good sleep.

Seroquel stopped working at 100mg. I was switched to some new thing called Fanapt, but it's too new. I don't trust anything when a pdoc can give samples. To me, that means a pharmaceutical sales rep is pushing something new that hasn't been sufficiently tested. So, I'm not taking it.

I tried klonopin on Thursday night, and I passed out at work on Friday. If my cellphone didn't ring, I would probably still be sleeping at work. I hate that drugged feeling, so I didn't take it Friday night or Saturday night. Not sure what I'm going to do tonight.

I wanted to do the seroquel because of my involuntary frowning and incessant jaw clenching. I was waking up with a headache because if how I locked my jaws. I needed something different.

I'm looking at melatonin. It's an otc product. I'll keep you posted.

I need to sleep!

Suicide Education Training

Yup, I'm doing it.

I found a certification program online, and I'm going to take it. Of course it would be a tremendous benefit to me. I would learn more about how I could help myself, but also about how I could help others, and help others help me.

I am also going to do the crisis counseling training. I think I would volunteer once a month on the hotline. Hell, who's better than me to talk to a person that wants to commit suicide, almost got raped, dealing with bipolar disorder or is very depressed.

What am I going to do with all the training?

I'm going to start talking to whomever an wherever I can book myself.  Maybe one day I went stand behind "thebipolarchick",  and will reveal who I really am.  All I can say, is that I do not look like how the world envisions people with bipolar disorder.

Stay tuned.

Wrist Strength

I'm suicidal.

Well, how suicidal can I be if I'm blogging, right?

I feel like shit. I've been feeling this way since about noon today. Been in a pissy mood caused by nothing and everything.

So I've been thinking about my wrist strength. People get tattoos on their wrists, so how bad and the pain of slitting a wrist really be?

I didn't do it. I haven't done it. Maybe writing about it is helping.

Maybe.

Pissed

Today's Aha moment:

In my quest for connection, I've shared my life and my story with people who not only didnt earn the right to hear it, they did not share with me in measure.

I loved people more than I loved myself.

I'm not depressed, just pissed about it.

Foggishness

Foggishness.

That's ny word for sleeping until 4pm, waking up, and then wanting to go back to sleep.  Add not feeling like you know if you're coming or going, and there you have it. Foggishness.

Damn, I miss mania. Mania at least makes me feel good. This other side sucks. I wasn't going to eat today. Why? Why not? Why did any of the things that pop in my head to do.

Right now I'm sitting in pizza hut getting enough food to ensure that I won't need to leave the house again this weekend.

Foggishness.

Damn it!

Yes, damn it.

I'm down again. I knew it was likely to happen, but I hoped that it wouldn't... this time.

Earlier in the week I was upbeat, functioning on all cylinders, excited, executing, revving to go, do be. Today, I lay on the couch, covered in a blanket with no desire to move, speak or eat.

There's few in my life who can understand my today. Many think they know, but have no idea. There is no "just get up" when I'm in the down world. There is no "shake it off".

Sleep doesn't mean rest to an overactive mind.

Longing for another manic cycle.