It's 12:35am.
I'm hungry, or am I?
I want to eat, but that's the issue. not hungry. I know that I'm not, but I've been having the ED thoughts and behavior lately.
Cookies, candies, soda. I roll over in the middle of the night to stuff my mouth with Swedish Fish. I fall asleep with them in there, and it's always a pleasant surprise when i realize that I didn't finish chewing. It's a late night sweet surprise.
I know it's not right; especially when I chase it with warm orange soda or apple juice.
No laxatives, but I look at them everyday; laxatives, diuretics, enemas.
It's weird because what stops me from using them is not the concept that I shouldn't, but that I'm not in the mood to swallow pills.
When I had the flu, I Was happy because I lost weight.
I"m not gonna order food.
2 comments:
Drinking was similar for me.
I thought I did it because it made me feel good, but I was actually doing it to punish myself. There was comfort sometimes, even euphoria. But no real joy in it.
So true. THe toll that the candy and soda takes on my body - stomach especially- is so not worthit, but yet I do it again and again.
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