Enough Yet?

When is enough, enough?

I think back to Feb 2006.

I was living in a room without windows. Not an apartment, but a room. All I possess lay in a 10x10 room.

The highlight of my week was receiving my unemployment check.

My relationship was a sad memory.

"Look at what my life has become," I thought.

Whatever was below depression ... funk, maybe... well, that's what I was in.

I was living a bootleg version of the me I knew; and the me I knew, was wonderful.

When is enough, enough?

I wanted to great hair and makeup, regular manicures and pedicures. I wanted to enjoy life and to smile. I wanted freedom to be, but freedom lay just beyond the front door where I would need to enter a world that would judge me.

I was terrified, but the fear of sinking into a more pitiful state of me scared me more.

I had to leave my room, the apartment.

It wasn't a choice, it was the only option.

I had to get a job and baby step my way to where I wanted to be.

And so I did.

I got a job; not what I wanted, but it gave me a sense of accomplishment. It lifted my self esteem and motivated me to take another big girl step.

I started working in August 06, and I didn't get the permanent french pink and white manicure I wanted until February 07, but I was slaying a more destructive dragon in the process- self pity.

The longer I waited to understand my disorder, how it affected me, and how I affected other people, the deeper I sunk.

The longer I waited for someone to save me. The more life went to squat.

I had to save me.
I had to take the first step.

It's amazing how after the first step the universe sends opportunities your way.