Mixed Monday Share

I remember how I felt as my aunt described her frustration after being told that she should "pray her bipolar away".

At the time, I agreed that the imbalance had less to do with sin (actually nothing to do with sin at all), and more to do with basic human physiology.

I was angry at her pastor, and a year later, I, too would be on the receiving end of an ignorant pastor's mental illness prejudice.

So, why am I mixed today?

Last night I had chat with my bff, (lol) and was totally frustrated.

We have different diagnoses yet similar symptoms and manifestations.

Sometimes I forget that we are different. In general, I forget that EVERYONE is different from me. I expect people to act like me and to choose what I do and instantly get it because I'm always right. LOL (All the while not wanting people to be like me and to to do what I do; go figure).

Anyway,I am feeling great.
She's not.
I want to help, but can't because she doesn't believe what I believe.

We are in two different places physically, mentally, emotionally and physiologically.

There's no way for me to tell her how to get to my happy "here" without sounding like my aunt's pastor or without sounding judgmental.

I've felt like this for a while. Don't know what to do. I just accept that maybe I am not her messenger.

I've been off med, for at least 2.5 weeks, and I feel wonderful! I'm not measuring my moods according to mania or depression, but rather just human-ness.

I think clearly, sleep well, and am truly happy (especially since the nausea has subsided. YUK)

Then she said, "you could just be manic".

No, I'm not!

It didn't make me mad, but it did reveal something about my thought patterns for myself and other people.

I KNOW that I can heal myself. It's not a matter of "if", but "when".

In my life, I've seen limbs grow out.
I've been instantly healed of pain too many times to count.
I've healed myself.

Yes, there is a physiological dimension, but if a leg can be made longer, if people can be cured of cancer, can't I produce more serotonin?

This is not a mandate for everyone. I'm not advocating that everyone flush their meds down the toilet. I guess I'm saying that my meds were a poison to me. I don't EVER want to take them again, and I want to heal myself, and maybe I can help heal other people, too.

I've never looked to science for the end all be all result because I truly believe that science doesn't dictate the bottom line of my life. Here is where the concept of the Divine comes in (more on that later).

I am NOT my mind.
I am NOT a friggin diagnosis.
Living that way REALLY made me NUTS.

What am I?

I am a spirit that lives in a body and communicates with this world using my mind.

The world says I am manic when I am confused about how to communicate and relate to a world that's not my own.

The world says I'm manic when I'm eager to teach and do and learn, but I'm simply too fast for them.

Sidebar- I don't even believe in autism. I think people who are autistic are HIGHLY intelligent and communuicate at a higher level than regular humans.

But, I digress.

She then asked: "what are you gonna do when u have a very bad day & u realize that u can't control it w/o meds?"

My reply: "I am NEVER taking meds again!"

The only way I'll have another bad day is if I stop doing the work that got me to this point.

My way isn't for everyone, but it's called living life as Butterfly.

Grateful, for days outside the storm.