I've been doing a lot of thinking lately; particularly about how I interact with women.
Growing up, I had female friends; actually, if I'm honest I'll admit that I was THEIR friend, but I didn't necessarily count them as MY friend.
As I got older, I really didn't like girls much. I thought they were whiny and clingy, and something weird always happened with our "friendship" - They all became single white females. If you haven't seen the movie, one girl morphs into another by dressing the way she does, etc, and becomes very dangerous.
I swear, this would happen with every girl I became "friends" with in grammar and high school. I'm not sure why it happened, but they would all become my clone. At the point where I recognized what was happening, they were history.
So how bad could it be?
Well, they would:
Braid their hair b/c mine was braided.
Wear the same nail polish.
Use my words and phrases.
Want to shop together, eat together, do laundry together, live together, etc.
I hated this.
I know, I know. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but really, I hated it then, and I despise it now.
I can't stand it.
I need autonomy.
I need to be the "only" me there is.
I need to be an individual.
I need to be the only Butterfly around, and anyone who threatens my individualism is in danger of being cut off.
When chicks start morphing into me, I want to vomit and then I bale.
This post has nothing to do with being bipolar except that I regret telling some women that I am bipolar. I hate that they know.
Also, since "coming out", S is looking at herself and questioning if she's bipolar, too. I forgot to tell you that, and yes, she is still dead to me.
Do I create bipolar chicks?
Am I some how contagious?
I hate that I can't make then un-know.
My sister told me today that on some level, I MUST welcome certain women into my life, and by virtue of the Law of Attraction, she's absolutely right.
She says that there is something about me that draw women in need of an identity, and I enjoy having them morph into me. I want to nurture and make into mini me's. She says that I love the adoration and worship, initially, until they try to take away my spotlight.
My sister is pretty darn smart, and she's one heck of a counselor. In fact since I fired my social therapist, I might just give her my copay for an hour of gmail IM.
So what brought this on?
Definitely S. I look at her and how she's tried to morph into me, and I'm mad as hell because its a bad imitation.
Also, I feel like every female that I have revealed my condition to, has exhibited similar symptoms. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Are they mirroring me, and if so, then I don't like what I see.
Are they like me? If so, then what are the odds of me running into 4 other bipolar chicks?
Am I holding on to being bipolar as a badge of honor that separates me from the masses, and now that others may be bipolar too, I feel that I am no longer unique or that I will no longer be special?
Hmmm.
2 comments:
Didn't you get the memo: all women are crazy. Jokin' relax. Before I start, I would like to say that I am currently quit drunk, lonely, and wallowing in my own self-pity. So if I sound like a moron, take that into account.
You are right in you’re assessment that women are clingy. That is a fact. Women are emotional and need companionship. You must allow them to bond somewhat. How do you explain inside jokes if you are somewhat on the same level. *moving my index and middle finger in a V back and fort between your eyes and mind* You must deal with some of it.
What is your reasoning for coming out with them? How long do you know them before? You should emotionally and explicitly trust them before divulging this about yourself, especially if you can give their friendship up just like that. But know you aren’t a heartless person; you are just deeper, independent, and a more emotionally suppressive person. You are a strong spirit. Be proud of that, but you must lower your walls to truly be a good friend.
The girl friends that are a true are the ones that will stick with you through an episode when you become standoffish for awhile. If they overly flirt with your man they are shit. But you must set the rules because most women, in my experience, become quite flirtatious when drinking. Don’t be overly jealous. From your writing I feel that this is a strong emotion with you.
One last thing: stop the hitting. It’s not cool. If you are violent you are going too far. You must not let your illness be you convenient crux for violence towards others. That is stepping over your boundaries and you are stronger than that. Anger is one thing: lashing out is another.
I am truly happy to know you. How do you have your hair so I can do the same? Jokes, just jokes… you’ll get used to me.
Later, Ash out.
Ash, you're awesome.
I get it. These are things I need to flush out with a t-doc because I am seemingly at a stalemate in my brain.
I'll keep ya posted.
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