I Wanna Be Great

Isn't that a secret desire for everyone - notoriety?

I want to contribute something wonderful to someone or something.

I think I've moved past only wanting my name in lights or a billboard in Times Square. I want my life to have meaning, but as I deal with this bipolar shit, I feel the prospect of being "someone" slipping away.

It's tough.

I haven't told you about my past, but I was a really good model and actress. I know now that I pulled away from the entertainment industry I crave when I started showing bip signs.

I'm frustrated that I didn't have the keys to fix me; that I didn't have a term to describe what was wrong and going on with me.

Where am I now?

Some days I feel like a has been.

I want the life I had, but I'm not doing what I need to get there.

Not working out.
Afraid to go outside for auditions and castings.
Cancelling photoshoots.
No-showing at events.

I'm not a fan of my body which is so weird because I am proportionate. I even have boobies now and a butt, but I don't know this person.

I know the girl called "skinny", "olive oil", "bones". I look in the mirror and see a person that's fatter than the me I know. As much as men love this "me", I don't really like her.

How's that for some muthaf**king truth?

Maybe I'm channeling my inner Oprah.

I hope this shit is helping someone. For right now, it's me getting it out so I have one less thing floating around in my brain.