April 1st

Where am I, today?

Well, I'm shaping my reality.

I've been a staunch believer that "another's opinion does not have to be your reality." Whenever someone questioned my ability, I reminded myself that their opinion meant nothing unless I embraced it as my own.

Well, in the last month, it was not someone else's opinion that knocked me off my rocker, but a dysfunctional, apathetic, opinion that I created for myself - one that I subconsciously allowed to become a badge of honor.

This opinion was that I was defective, deserving of pity, need to be handled with care, incapable of helping myself, doomed to a life of blah.

I lived it.
I blogged it.
I wore it.
I went to sleep with it.
I took it to work.
I spoke about it.

I allowed being bipolar to consume my thoughts, interactions, conversations for the last month, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it.

I’m sick tired of being sick and tired.

So what am I saying?

I'm saying that me, Butterfly, is so much more than a muthaf*cking diagnosis. I am more than my meds, mood swings, haze, drowsiness, nausea, depression, weight loss and gain, and irritability. Yeah, I have them, but I don’t want these things to be a part of EVERY CONVERSATION.

It’s my fault because February marked the beginning of my meds, and I had so much frustration to get out. I needed to vent, I needed to be angry, and I will most likely need to be angry again. But for today, I need something other than anger.

I've long said that as a model, I was more than my body. Well, today I declare that I am more than a diagnosis.

Bipolar is something I have, but I am determined NOT to allow IT to HAVE ME.

What does that mean?

It means being proactive instead of reactive.
It means being responsible.

It means taking my meds and when they don’t work, holding my pdoc accountable for finding me the best cocktail.

It means getting to bed at a reasonable time instead of taking my meds at 4am, and expecting them to work without drowsiness by the time I need to get up at 9am. I can't expect my meds to work if I'm not taking them.

It means eating right, taking my vitamins, drinking water, exercising, and most importantly, it means saturating my life with positivity.

Now, I’m not saying that bipolar disorder is caused by being positivity deficient. However, I am saying that an infusion of positive energy can’t help but to produce positivity.

It means that I will only watch certain shows, listen to certain types of music, only be around certain people, and only expose myself to certain things.

I know my triggers, so I need to stay away from them.

One weepy Mariah Carey song, and I am curled up in the fetal position with tear filled “why’s”. Why put myself through that?

I know that some people sap my damn energy. Being proactive is placing distance between me and people who are sources of negative energy.

It means not eating things that I feel are bad for me because they will increase my desire to purge.

It means making the time to meditate because it helps me to relax.

It means, not calling myself names like weird, strange, dumb, silly, crazy, odd, etc.

It means that I see myself as normal because I am. Yes, even with bipolar, I am normal. Normal for me, and you know what, Normal to me is the only normal that counts. Why am I using the rest of the world as a yardstick for me being normal?

I know how a normal Butterfly is – THAT is my yardstick, and I will get to her. I will find her. I will be her because she is still in me.

I don't want to whine or lay in bed feeling sorry for myself.

Some people think I’m “nuts” for saying that I will heal myself but that’s exactly what I believe, and what I know. I have too many things to do, too many places to go, too many people to help and influence to be curled under my table, or hiding under my bed because it’s safe.

I have to journal, give myself enough time to get ready, get my clothes together at night, be patient with myself when thing are tough, but for peace sake – literally- I can not live life as a diagnosis. I absolutely refuse.

Does this new stance make me perfect?
Does this new stance make me better than others with bipolar?

Absolutely not. It just means that what I was doing wasn’t working, and while I’m feeling good, coherent, normal, I want to establish a systematic way of living, thinking and interacting that will permeate every facet of my life and enable me to live not at a bipolar chick, but as a chick who just happens to have bipolar disorder.

Inspired by Onemeanmutha.