Can you really speak about bipolar without addressing suicide?
Suicide is one of those taboo subjects, yet we bips (as I affectionately call those with bipolar, and NO its not okay for non-bips to use the term.) have all thought about it.
I'll be honest - what prompted me to get meds was the fear that I would one day be unable to stop myself from doing IT.
I've thought about IT.
I've thought about it a lot, and many times, I wasn't thinking that its wrong, or permanent or that God won't be pleased.
I was thinking about ending the hurt, frustration and agony.
I've ran away from train platforms because I didn't trust myself to stand near as the train pulled into the station.
I've thrown scissors across the room, to stop myself from using them on myself.
I've dropped knives, and poured pills into the toilet.
I was able to stop myself.
What if I get to the point when I couldn't?
That's why I chose meds.
Suicide is one of those taboo subjects, yet we bips (as I affectionately call those with bipolar, and NO its not okay for non-bips to use the term.) have all thought about it.
I'll be honest - what prompted me to get meds was the fear that I would one day be unable to stop myself from doing IT.
I've thought about IT.
I've thought about it a lot, and many times, I wasn't thinking that its wrong, or permanent or that God won't be pleased.
I was thinking about ending the hurt, frustration and agony.
I've ran away from train platforms because I didn't trust myself to stand near as the train pulled into the station.
I've thrown scissors across the room, to stop myself from using them on myself.
I've dropped knives, and poured pills into the toilet.
I was able to stop myself.
What if I get to the point when I couldn't?
That's why I chose meds.
2 comments:
Am bip. Suicide is an everbrooding omnipresence and is dealt with in different ways on different days.
For me, I trick myself. I tell myself that I will deal with this issue on 2/12/20 and that I will put it out of my mind until then. Does it work? No, not really but it is an attempt. My bip is painful and I struggle daily just to stay alive and function. How do I function? Actually highly. I am an economist, a college professor, a father of five and divorced by three wives. I am, they say, "controlled". Tegretol, lexapro, welbutrin, ambien, klonopin, seroquel, trileptal and lamictal are together in varying amounts my current "cocktail". All induce sleepiness but on my manic days I override, during depression I yield. I cycle, about five times a week, sometimes more than once a day. I've the benefit of a great shrink and a wonderful therapist. I am greatly troubled but very few no it - I keep it that way - it is my cover and security. I wish you well and I pray that you will keep your bip under control and not yield to 'it'. slc84101@yahoo.com
Thanks for the support. When I'm drained, it help to know that other people are fighting every day.
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